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Elderly parents
Original poster

The second new shiny 2019 thread ...

961 replies

MereDintofPandiculation · 14/03/2019 21:28

... for anyone caring for elderly parents. Come and join us to ask for, or to give, sympathy, ask for advice, or have a good rant.

OP posts:
yolofish · 14/06/2019 11:25

do it rosa its one less crap job for you to even think about.

I got less tolerant I think, mum used to drive me mad, particularly with how deaf she was, which I know wasnt her fault, but it was just so difficult to have a conversation.

DH went into surgery at 9, wont be done til about 5.30. It's going to be a long old day, both DDs are working. I'm going to the garden centre once I've dropped DD1 off then home while some men cut down my beautiful but dangerous willow tree.

RosaWaiting · 14/06/2019 11:35

yolo why is the willow tree dangerous?

I'm not even working today but doing a bunch of domestics and some finance for mum.

yes, I need to rethink how I do some of my own stuff I think. I used to find ironing bed linen therapeutic. Now I think, who WAS that woman?!

did your mum refuse a hearing aid or was it a case where it wouldn't work? My dad had one that he wore around the house, and if he was going out, he wore an aid in both ears. One ear was much less affected but he used to get embarrassed asking people to repeat themselves in the pub, for example.

I find it hard work to listen in a pub with fine hearing!

notaflyingmonkey · 14/06/2019 11:53

Fingers crossed for your DH today Yolo. Hope you are ok as well.

DM gets waxy ears that she can treat with drops, but doesn't. So is deaf, has TV up loud etc. Carers keep leaving me messages about it. Don't really know what they expect me to do, but it is way down on my list of priorities.

I have also been thinking this week about getting a cleaner. I work full time and my weekends are always filled with chores like housework. I'm tempted but have always resisted for slightly mad ideological reasons.

RosaWaiting · 14/06/2019 12:21

monkey I suppose it's the carers' duty to do that?

What a pain it all is. Is it you that's moving away or have I got you confused with someone else? Just thinking what distance/care will be like for your mum, will it make things easier for you?

yolofish · 14/06/2019 12:48

My poor willow tree has some really serious splits in it, tree guy came round last week and condemned it - at least, down to about 8-10'. It should sprout again but I will really miss it.

DM had every kind of hearing aid under the sun, including BAHA implants (which coincidentally a friend of mine pioneered) but nothing worked particularly well even though she spent a fortune. One to one convo, looking directly at her, was ok-ish, but chuck even one extra person into the mix and it was a nightmare. Deafness is terribly isolating, and I did feel sorry for her, but repeating a joke til its no longer funny is very wearing. (bad yolofish).

Needmoresleep · 14/06/2019 13:24

Very best wishes for you and your husband, Yolo.

Can you have something made from the willow wood?

yolofish · 14/06/2019 13:26

thank you for all the good wishes, it's a funny old day... but I have wine and am having a pizza for lunch and pootling around tinternet. Quite calm at the mo.

needmore we'll burn it! (open fire)

notaflyingmonkey · 14/06/2019 14:37

Rosa, yes it probably is the carers job to do that, I think my issue is that DB never gets these messages sent to him... and TBH I use up so much of my leave on Dr and hospital appointments for her that ear wax is a non essential issue (and one that she can deal with herself by putting in drops, which the carers won't do...)

I am still planning to move. Need to sort our house to get it on the market, but as I work full time, am struggling with the amount that needs doing vs time.

RosaWaiting · 14/06/2019 15:07

yolo ah I see, I hear about people refusing hearing aids.

I really want to increase patience! I think I might be peri menopausal but then again, not sure, maybe mum just makes irritable sometimes.

nota yes moving is a lot of work.

I’ve booked a cleaner for next week! It won’t be weekly but I think maybe I should get someone in as and when. I’ve never had a cleaner before. Presume I tidy well before they come along?

RosaWaiting · 14/06/2019 15:09

I don’t drink much, very rarely, but actually debating having a little one as I’m so irritable today Blush

thesandwich · 14/06/2019 15:46

More hugs yolo🌺🌺🌺
I would really really recommend cleaners for you all if you can do it!
No longer working so can’t justify it at the mo but it was a godsend. When the world is going t#£&. Just to come home to a clean orderly house with ironing done was soooooo soothing. It felt like one part of life was under control........ dump the guilt! It buys time.
And I did tidy a bit so she could get on with stuff- say what your priorities are. Best investment in mental health ever!

RosaWaiting · 14/06/2019 18:00

Having booked it, and being out for a chunk of the weekend, I’m now thinking, wow, that’s actually quite a lot of stuff I don’t have to do....

notaflyingmonkey · 15/06/2019 09:02

How is your DH Yolo?

Needmoresleep · 15/06/2019 09:07

Yolo, was thinking of you last night. I remember when he first learned that something was wrong. Eight or so hours is a huge operation. I really hope it went well, and that he has a smooth recovery.

Original poster
MereDintofPandiculation · 15/06/2019 09:23

because dealing with an oldie feels like a constant list of boring and unfulfilling jobs. That sounds awful doesn't it. No, not at all. It's easier dealing with Dad now he's in a nursing home because we have a chance to deal with the fun things. DH is taking in his iPad and they watch WWII radar stuff together. I can just let him talk while I crochet. o longer is it an endless round of cleaning his kitchen to a chorus of "No, don't do that, your time's too valuable, let me do that", checking on his medicines, checking his food stores, trying to relieve him of dirty clothes so they can be washed.

Do whatever you need to to relieve yourself of chores. A small flat can take just as much cleaning as a larger house because you can't spread yourself out.

OP posts:
Original poster
MereDintofPandiculation · 15/06/2019 09:28

My poor willow tree has some really serious splits in it, That's what they do. A branch will crash to the ground, then branches will grow upright from it and form new trees, and they'll drop branches and form new trees and so on - it's a way of taking over new ground. Called phoenix tree growth. Not really compatible with life in a garden!

My mulberry tree has developed a huge split. We've put a strap round it and reduced the top growth. No way am I going to lose my mulberry crop.

OP posts:
Original poster
MereDintofPandiculation · 15/06/2019 09:34

hearing is a combination of physical stuff in the ear, and brain stuff in interpreting it. I was trying to persuade Dad to have his ears tested, but have since learnt that cognitive impairment means that sometime hearing aids aren't any use - you can get over the physical stuff but not the mental.

Our SS carers wouldn't do anything to do with medicine, not even check that he'd taken tablets. So I can understand if they won't do ear drops. He was getting dressings changed, but again that was the district nurse team not the carers. No wonder he was confused about who was visiting!

OP posts:
notaflyingmonkey · 15/06/2019 10:41

What sort of Mulberry tree have you got Dint? (I know very few people who have one). I had one that rotten a few years ago, so planted a new one in a different spot and it seems to be doing very well so far.

yolofish · 15/06/2019 13:06

Hi all. Well, what a day yesterday was. Surgery eventually took 12 hours Shock so he didnt even get on the ward til about 9.30. Been in this morning, he's as ok as can be expected - ie they are quite pleased with him but he's grumpy, tired and pissed off with being full of drains and drips. Havent heard from the surgeon yet, he was going to call me yesterday after the op, but to be fair the team had been working on DH since 9am so I think he deserved to go home and put his feet up! And I slept like an absolute log tonight, so feel a load better today.

Thank you for all kind words and thoughts x

Needmoresleep · 15/06/2019 14:00

Yolo, thank you for the update. It sounds too awful for words. You must have had a dreadful time waiting.

Grumpy sounds good. Recovery presumably will take an age. I hope the feedback from the surgeon is good.

thesandwich · 15/06/2019 17:20

yolo been thinking of you all. So glad you slept.
Hope news from surgeon is good.
🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺

yolofish · 15/06/2019 19:14

No surgeon news, he has seen 'a' doctor but not 'the' doctor. Presume we wont hear anything til Monday now. Pain kicking in, quite a lot of the anaesthesia was spinal so I guess that lasts a while, like an epidural? His parents and sister are going to see him tomorrow am, hope he manages to behave! and DDs and I will go in the afternoon when DD1 finishes work.

The guy who bought DM's house came round this morning with some post. One was a birthday card from a cruise company she travelled with about 10 years ago!! which was a bit odd. They are such nice people and they love the house which is a really nice thought, she'd have been pleased.

whatever45 · 15/06/2019 21:17

Yolo thinking of lots too

RosaWaiting · 15/06/2019 21:19

yolo sounds like he’s doing all right. I would be spectacularly grumpy! Glad you had a good night’s sleep.

When does he come home?

yolofish · 15/06/2019 22:12

dont know rosa estimates are 6-14 days. Good luck to them keeping him 14, he will be like a caged tiger!