The second new shiny 2019 thread ...

[MereDintofPandiculation]

... for anyone caring for elderly parents. Come and join us to ask for, or to give, sympathy, ask for advice, or have a good rant.

Finally I suppose that would seem quite stilted, I'm not sure.

having looked at it, the cost seems prohibitive in any case!

I just sometimes feel really panicky about the future with mum. Intellectually I know all the things that can be done and we might not even have to do them....she has a 93 year old friend who still runs her own errands in the high street.

I don't know, maybe I should focus more on not over-worrying.

Evening all.
rosa I understand completely- it’s fear about the future and coping. Feel the same with dm, 93 who is recovering a bit post fall but needing increasing support and input.
I think a lot of it is living each day at a time.... a bit twee but it’s all there is.
cockroach to everyone.

I just sometimes feel really panicky about the future with mum.

It's impossible not to really. Obviously I don't want to lose my parents, but when I read about people dealing with parents in their late 80's/90's it absolutely terrifies me.

I have experienced feeling really resentful too. I didn't make the most of opportunities I've had in the past re education and career, never had the kahunas to travel, met XH at 21 settled down and then had DD at 28.

Last year, once the divorce was over, I had finally managed to buy my own place and with DD a bit more independent I thought I might be able to make up for lost time but now l realising there will still be limitations for potentially another 10 year or more.

I've struggled to come to terms with it, but counselling has helped massively and I've begun to make small decisions in my best interests and around what I want to do long term, rather than what I feel I should do/is expected of me.

thanks all

Minty do you might if I ask, did you have counselling generally or specifically for the EP problems?

When I first posted here, someone posted about it being Hotel California and that idea still haunts me tbh! My mother's brother died at 89, having been a shell in a bed for a couple of years. He was the same as her - nothing specific wrong, just got more and more frail over the years.

she says to me to feel free to go and let her crack on - because I wanted to move to the countryside - but in reality if we reached that situation it makes more sense for her to come with me. She's conscious that most of her friends wouldn't be around at that point....

see, this is almost why I wonder about paying a therapist. How much can you go on about these depressing things without feeling like you should be paying someone to deal with hearing it?!

if I could just focus on the now then I wouldn't be thinking it, but perhaps it would be good to get it all out in the open any way.

Hotel California😱
What impact will this have on society if increasingly once we get to mid 50s we know that for the next 30 years our parents will be draining the life out of us
When my parents reach their mid 50s their parents died, and set them free

hear bit confused by the maths there, you're going for 100+?

also can't ask this anywhere else....does anyone else feel their EP smells a bit? It's not lack of washing. I originally thought it was a change of fabric conditioner...but now I think it might be as sort of elder care home smell. Sorry to ask.

Hotel California sounds about right.

We're at The Olds for dinner. Have been here 2 hours and mum has literally not stopped talking. Nearly every sentence is a question about something mind numbingly mundane or something I have no knowledge of/interest in (e.g. What's your XH up to this weekend?). She's not got her hearing aids in so I'm having to repeat nearly every answer at least once.

Dad is in the kitchen, washing up and farting loudly.

DD is on the sofa asleep having had a friend round for the last 2 nights...tbh I suspect she might me faking.

This was not the life I ordered!

Rosa I have had multiple goes at counselling over the years for various things, all on the NHS. The most useful re my relationship with Mum involved transactional analysis.

Spooky. Today I am emptying my wardrobe and giving it a thorough spring clean as I thought I smelled ‘the smell’ and was horrified.
My parents’ home had a distinctive smell of them which just appeared in the last five years. Could never work out whether it was lack of opening windows or lack of opening wardrobes and drawers. My parents’ home was a new build in 2005 and all their hone furnishings were circa then so not a historic over time smell... Even four years later some of my mum’s paperwork has the musk.
Only when we repainted their home to rent to pay care home fees did the ‘smell’ shift.
Now I’m trying to work out if a few of my mum’s cashmere jumpers have transferred the smell.
Thoughts and suggestions to rectify welcome.

when I read about people dealing with parents in their late 80's/90's it absolutely terrifies me. Though usually people dealing with their 85-100 year old parents haven't had to deal with their 70-85 year old parent. Personally, I'm just hoping the Queen will outlive my father - I don't think a telegram from Charlie will be quite as appreciated!

does anyone else feel their EP smells a bit? I think you stop producing the hormones, so just as at puberty you started to get BO, as you get old you stop producing the hormonal, sexual smell. And to most of us whatever's left smells unpleasant, I don't know whether it's because we're so wired up to be interested in sexual smells, or whether it's that we recognise it as an "old people's smell" and if reminds us uncomfortably that we ourselves won't stay young forever.

mum has literally not stopped talking. Nearly every sentence is a question about something mind numbingly mundane or something I have no knowledge of/interest in . Dad does this. It's because he's got plenty to listen to during the day (radio if nothing else) but has no-one to talk to, so his real social need is to be able to talk. Add to that a bit of fear that you'll go away when the conversation stops, so he needs also to keep clutching at subjects to ask about ... and if his life isn't very full ...

Still, it beats my Dad's current trick - which is to wait till I"m about to back out of the door and then announce he needs the loo.

Shouldn't complain too much - we had a nice afternoon yesterday, DIL's birthday celebration - home gave us use of one of the lounges, and brought us sausage rolls, sandwiches, salad, and cakes. And we brought in a nice tablecloth and napkins, and a cake, and birthday presents and the dog, and had a pleasant afternoon of it.

I think I know 'the smell', is it a kind of rotten smell but also a bit of a chemical/plastic smell?

it's a kind of sickly sweet smell....hence my first thought was fabric conditioner.

Minty your dad is washing up? that sounds like a big improvement.

Yes Rosa. Tbf he's doing pretty well physically in terms of his back injury from January.

Unfortunately there are other issues, not least his overall frailty and mental health, but am hoping to be able to work on those over the coming months.

Am quite limited to what I can so in term time, but hopefully will have blue badge and wheelchair or rollator sorted by the summer hols and be able to take him out at least once a week.

which is to wait till I"m about to back out of the door...

That's my mum! If I've heard "Oh, before you go, can you just..." once, I've heard it 1000 times.

DM's 'before you go...' this week was to mention that her boiler wasn't working. Didn't like to mention it before, as didn't want to be a burden, but phoned various random companies to get quotes, which she couldn't then remember.

It was me that coined this Hotel California 'You can check out any time you like, But you can never leave!'

My mother's "Before you go" thing is to say in a slightly accusatory way "So what should I do then, should I just sit here?". When she was at home, I just used to say cheerily something to the effect that she could do what she was doing when I arrived, she could read the papers, listen to the radio, watch TV, sit on her balcony, whatever.

However, she's currently in what is supposed to be a rehab ward after being hospitalised for bowel obstruction and seems to have deteriorated, in that she can't walk without a lot of support, despite the fact that she could walk fine beforehand and her legs weren't affected. But we're still in the situation where she categorically refuses to do anything to improve things for herself; e.g. she could have the radio or TV on, but she spurns the offer every time. So now before I go I make sure she has a book or paper nearby, offer to sort out the TV or radio for her and get refused, and when she asks the "What shall I do now?" question I tend to say "It's up to you, you've said no to everything I've suggested, so you decide".

Does anyone's parent have anti-depressants prescribed for them? My mother is always going on about how dreadful it all is and how she wants to die, and although happy pills won't change her circumstances it can't be helping her to be in this endless cycle of miserable thoughts. But I don't know how keen doctors would be to prescribe them, and given that she probably won't tell them how's she's feeling they might feel they can't anyway till she asks for them.

My dad so very similar and takes 50mg of sertraline (Seroxat) a day.

Tbh it appears to do bugger all and when they increased his dose during a lengthy hospital stay earlier this year he was even worse.

GP has recently done a referral o a counselling service for Oldies called Sage but they've not been in touch yet.

It's horrible to have to deal with isn't it?

Hi Venting - I raised this on the best interests call we had regarding my DM this week. DM has dementia, and has no quality of life, frequently tells me she wants to die, and cries all the time that she wants to go home (when we got her home (briefly) she didn’t cry any less - just about different things)

The psychiatric nurse was on the call, and said my mum showed no signs of clinical depression when she met her. DM has an amazing social veneer, so it takes a while for the dementia to show up, so maybe she just masks it when she talks to others. Alternatively she could just be more emotional with family!

The social workers have previously said that anti depressants would make her more wobbly physically, and her mobility is variable at the best of times!

Sorry, I know that’s not a direct answer to your question, but that’s my experience of trying to get anti depressants for DM. Definitely worth discussing with doctors or other HCP involved in your DMs care though.

It’s bloody hard though when your DM constantly tells you she wants to die, so you have my sympathy xx

anyone about for a handhold?

I'm feeling completely overwhelmed.

I posted on here before about how mum was driving me mad talking about dad. She isn't any more and she's trying really hard to be kind and considerate and so on.

I'm just really struggling and I don't know why. I spend about a day a week over there, usually stay the night. some of her friends drop in of course and that's good for her. I find it all such a downer though - the things that some people in that age group have to discuss - the latest stroke, the latest cancer diagnosis.

I mentioned in a previous post that I feel as if walking in to her house is like walking into a different planet, it's so depressing.

she was looking at getting rid of things because of maybe moving into a retirement flat, and I was doing well helping her with that but it all feels so overwhelming and there's no one to help.

Plus I have this sense that she is doing it to please me. I don't know if I am starting to imagine things. I feel as if I just can't cope and today I broke down and told her that. Now she is recovering from dad's death - to some extent - she asked me what exactly I'm having trouble with.

One factor is definitely the people overload, going back to work, talking to mum every day, being there all day one day a week.

another is she simply doesn't seem to realise how uncomfortable her house is for me - it sounds like a very trivial moan but I'm very affected by my environment and her house is either boiling hot or freezing cold. So with a long train journey both ways, she is baffled and I think quite hurt if I say I don't want to stay the night on a long weekend, so this weekend and Easter I tried to hang around but just end up sleep deprived and tearful. She has the house locked up - I mean individual rooms and alarms and so on - so after she goes to bed at 10, I can't just potter.

I also feel she is fussing all the time about what I eat etc.

I seem to be coping worse with those things rather than better. It's like an accumulation of it all getting on my nerves.

I realise this is nothing compared to what most of you are dealing with so I'm sorry for dumping this here. I still think some of this is because I've never been interested in all the family stuff. Was quite happy with a quiet life, now it's been ripped to shreds I don't know how to cope.

I suppose I could just conserve the energy and say I need to go back to how my life was, in terms of parental visits - an afternoon every couple of weeks. But then I would feel so horrendously guilty.

Hi Grace, I'm here for a hand hold (have name changed away from flying monkeys).

In the nicest possible way, why would you feel guilty about going back to your life? Your mum is not your responsibility. It sounds like she is doing ok with slowly moving on with things, and maybe you need to pull back a little from her and seperate out what you need to do for your own grief?

it all feels so overwhelming and there's no one to help.

it's really hard when you have no back up.

You mention a long train journey and work - is there any scope for you making a couple of shorter visits each week and not staying over?

It might make the 'sensory' stuff easier. My parents house is always boiling hot and the TV, when it's on is so loud it's unbearable. I can't even speak to her on the phone when it's on in the background.

I also relate to the fussing...mum generally does it more with Dad, but she will go on and on about things once she gets going...one of her favourites is endlessly quizzing me about my XH .

How long is it since you lost your Dad? Have you got any support from an emotional POV?

grace I will hold your hand too. It sounds to me as if you have been so strong for your mum for a long time now, and that maybe you could draw back a bit for a least a couple of weeks? so that you have a bit of time for yourself, just to pootle around, do what YOU want when YOU want to do it (I couldnt cope with house being in lockdown and too hot/too cold, I'd go insane).

venting and toofar my DM also used to say she wanted to die most of the time, and would tell me she had a secret stash of pills to do it with - it is incredibly draining. Unfortunately I knew where the secret stash was, so DB and I extricated some bits here and there. She was on antids, they seemed to make no difference to her mood, but she was extremely prone to self-medicating before her last fall so I dont know whether they affected balance etc.

thank you all so much

re mum being my responsibility - I don't know, it's partly just an intrinsic feeling but also partly that so many people I know are taking responsibility for an elderly parent and don't seem to have any issues with it. I realise they might well have lots of issues but they certainly seem to be coping better than I am.

now mum is back in a social life of sorts, there are 40s and 50s children with grandchildren etc turning up at social functions. I have been to a couple of them and I hear "jokes" about putting mats in the car when giving elderly folk lifts home in case of an accident. These kind of jokes actually upset me a bit - tbh they upset mum too.

Some of these people are going to their olds every day after work - actually Minty I think you are doing that?

also in terms of taking "time off" - tbh the main thing is, the longer the gap, the worse I feel when I walk in. Also I know mum always wanted to see me much more often, it was easier to get out of before because she had dad for company.

one of the problems I find with London is people consider long travels on the Tube/train to be completely normal. I have had commutes as long as the journey to mum's myself.

so yes, I also feel judged by other people and I need to learn to shake that off I guess.

my mum said today "it seems very unpredictable when you will suddenly get upset or overwhelmed". This is partly because I live on my own and mostly can control when I see people, or if you go for coffee or something you will be maybe 2 hours in company. That's my company tolerance level maxed out really.

I'm not even working full time, which adds to the guilt. Mum knows I've had depression and anxiety for years so I should add, she is not pressuring me. I realise it's all me pressuring me at the moment, but I don't know how not to.

I mentioned a cousin up north who has health issues. He's good and rings mum quite often. But he's another one who - unwittingly - makes me feel guilty. He spent lots of time with his parents before they died. He went on holiday with them! I can't even begin to imagine what that's like.

Some of these people are going to their olds every day after work - actuallyMintyI think you are doing that?

Not any more, although I did for a couple months when he was in hospital and immediately afterwards, and then at least every other day when I was signed off/during Easter holidays. My parents are only 3 minutes round the corner though, so I can make some of the visits short.

I speak to mum on the phone at least once a day and she messages me via FB as well. I try to see them once mid week and again at the weekend, alternating between 4-5 hours and dinner, and a couple of hours max for coffee and catch up.

I suspect the school holidays will no longer be my own as much going forward. Have already got 2 days booked during half term when I'm taking mum for tests at a non-local hospital, and am keen to get dad put and about over the summer.

I sympathise with feeling 'peopled out' as I'm.also quite introverted outside my normal group of close friends.

I have a free weekend coming up as DD is off on a residential with one of her extracurricular groups. Will be the first time I've had 2 nights child free (other then being in hospital) for nearly 9 years as she only stays at her dad's on a very rare, ad hoc basis.

I feel like I should be making the most of being able to go out and socialise without and responsibility, but tbh I just want to shut the door on the Friday evening and have a couple of days to myself at home.