Need some help. Visiting my elderly father is excrutiating.

[needsomehelpwiththisone]

I've done a new account for this post but I've been here for a long time.

I am desperate for some advice about visiting my elderly father, because I feel like the world's biggest bitch and I don't know what to do.

Background: We have nothing in common. We did not get on well when I was growing up. I am an only child (relevant). My mother is dead (also relevant).

A few years ago, dad, by then in his mid 80s (now late 80s) moved into sheltered accommodation about a half hour drive from me having previously lived seven hours away at the other end of the country. There was really no other option as due to my own poor health I could not make the visit to see him any more and he was all alone and beginnig to struggle on his own. Until the point where he moved, we saw each other once a year, perhaps twice at the very most - I would go "home" to visit for a couple of days at a time and we'd both be climbing the walls after a day. Visits were only ever two days at the most. My father is very insular. Conversations consisted of "Do you watch this television programme?" and nothing more. He was never interested in anything I had to say, so I didn't bother to tell him what was going on in my life. It was painful.

Now he lives near me and is older and still on his own, I am expected to visit once a week. In principle I agree with this, he's on his own after all and I'm his only living relative. But I find the visits absolutely excrutiating and I'm beginning to put off going. We are not close, and we have nothing to talk about. He doesn't listen to anything I have to say, so there's no point telling him anything. I arrive, I take him to the shop, but this only takes half an hour at the most, and then I don't know what to do. We sit there in silence. He doesn't do anything except watch television, so I can't ask him about his day. He's also very deaf, so conversation is almost impossible, even if he was interested in anything I had to say.

He also insists on phoning me twice a day just to "hear my voice" (he can make out my voice on the phone, apparently, but nobody else's). I understand why, he's very lonely, but I don't know what to say to him then either and vice versa. I have no clue how to relate to him at all and never have done. Our relationship growing up was fractious and argumentative and unpleasant - he's mellowed with age - but there are no nice memories to sit and talk about. I sometimes take him out for lunch, but again, conversation is so difficult that we sit and eat lunch in the pub in silence and then I take him home again.

Please, what can I do to make these visits more bearable for both of us? Not going is not an option, since he will call me and beg me to go if I don't. I dread going. I put it off for as long as humanly possible. And I feel terrible.

Someone further back in the thread has already told you that her mother passed all the dementia tests with flying colours but when she had a brain scan half her brain had died.

Right, and what do you expect me to do about that, exactly, even if it has?
It doesn't help the problem does it, knowing that?
It doesn't stop the issue.

No-one is saying you are are not caring for someone with dementia - you are hearing this when people are not saying it. Someone may have had anxiety all their life but dementia will magnify this. Has he rung you 30 times a day every day all your life if he couldn't reach you? If not then his anxious behaviour has escalated.

No-one expects you to do anything - that is the point.

Christ, how many times do I have to say it?

His behaviour escalated when my mother was ill, ten years ago, when he felt the need to call me EVERY FUCKING DAY and tell me how violent and awful and ill she was, just to bloody unload his anxiety onto me, and has not stopped since.

It has not "escalated since he got dementia". HE DOES NOT HAVE A DIAGNOSIS OF DEMENTIA.

Fuck's sake, I am talking to myself. Take the damn thread down. I'm sick of repeating myself to people who can't be bothered to listen properly.

So choose to do something about it. Choose to put your own mental health first. Give social services two weeks notice then turn your phone off. As many hundreds of desperate carers do. They have the duty of care for vulnerable adults, not the family. It's a difficult choice, but it is a choice.

Well someone has to bloody well do it, don't they?

What am I meant to do - leave him in bedsheets that haven't been washed in a year?

And the care agency didn't even bother to reply to my fucking email.

Has he called you thirty times a day since your mother died ten years ago?

Yes, social services will step in. You're not listening. What do people do when they have no children, children who are unable to help or live too far away? It takes a crisis though, and whilst you're propping him up they'll be quite happy to leave you to it.

Yes. Pretty much. Any time he can't get hold of me instantly, he calls and calls and calls and calls until I pick up the phone. The number of missed calls can be up to 30, 40 a day, if I do not answer immediately. He has done this since my mother went into care. It is not to do with "his dementia", which he does not have a diagnosis of. I've had TEN FUCKING YEARS of this shit.

You know what, you are not listening and are pretty rude as well. You've been given good advice by people who have been where you are and you've chosen not to take it. So be it.

Nobody is listening to me. He doesn't listen to me, they don't listen to me, and now nobody here is listening to a word I'm saying either.

It seems that if you have problems with him, all the care staff and a lot of people on this thread, plus seemingly no RL support the common factor is you. I'm not sure what you're trying to achieve here. Yes, bring the sole relative is a hideous situation and your posts suggest you're overwhelmed with a major focus being the phone call situation. You have been given lots of advice addressing how a second phone for his calls would be workable ensuring you didn't see multiple missed calls, but you seemingly won't even try this simple step.

If you are this aggressive and confrontational I’m not surprised you struggle to converse....

OP, you are clearly so on the edge. Nobody here at all is questioning your commitment to your dad at all, far from it. You are doing far too much because it is impacting on your emotional, mental and most likely physical health. Can you identify just one thing that you want to change. What is the highest priority thing that needs to be changed in order for you to be able to carry on helping him? I would then put all of your efforts into changing that one thing. If its the phone, change the number on his phone to a different number for now, even if its just for a few days to get some (well earned) respite. Yes, his anxiety will escalate, so be it. Yours is escalating; your first priority is to caring for yourself. You cannot pour from an empty vessel.
If its the sheets, seriously just take them and bin them. Put the rest of the responsibility for them out of your head. The carers will see that they are gone and will replace them. I really do think you cannot carry on like this. You have the whole weight of his caring on your shoulders. And yes many old people have absolutely nobody and they get through it. You are on the brink of having a break down. You need to prioritise your own health at this time. I can feel every bit of frustration and desperation coming from you and just want you to know that you seem to be doing everything you possibly can, and much much more. Please take care of yourself now. You can take a step back, you really can. Its not forever, just for now to safeguard your own health.

You're not listening OP, never mind the people on here. You have been offered support on here but because it's not exactly what you want you dismiss it out of hand. The way you are handling the situation at the moment is not working for you.

Can only offer practical suggestions along the lines of some earlier posts:

If you can face the crossword suggestion, take a daily paper in to do the crossword in that rather than a book, then you can read through the paper and try to converse about it.

Also if you have a local paper once a week bring that in as something else to read through, or possibly try to see if you could get a subscription copy of one where he used to live in the hope it could raise interest.

Take several pot plants in for his room so each visit you can spend a few minutes fussing about them & comment on, if only to yourself. Change them regularly. Also bring in fresh flowers/greenery so each visit you have them to change or rearrange as something else to do & comment on (could just be things you find so as not to be too expensive, eg some autumn leaves to display).

Bring a snack thing to eat/drink each time you visit, preferably something that needs a little preparation that can be done in his room to pass the time. Get something you will eat, even if it's something if you think he won't consider, as least you can talk about it and eat it yourself. Try different things, like flavoured hot chocolate/coffee sachets, new biscuits, unusual fruits, make sandwiches with a new filling.

Are there libraries in the area you could take him to have a look around? If so, they should have large print books, audio books, access to audio newspapers etc that could be of use. Some run various types of social things that could coincide with your visit. Otherwise some libraries have visiting services that come to individuals or care establishments.

Book a mobile hairdresser to visit with you - have yours done at the same time even? They work most hours. You can also get mobile foot care if needed.

Look for a Pets as Therapy service in your area. They have extraordinary successes with all sorts. If you do find one, don't let him pooh-pooh it unless he's allergic! (If there isn't a nearby service , a local animal rescue centre may have volunteers that could bring out an animal instead)

Pets as Therapy is a great idea. Might that help OP? Might distract him enough to relieve the trillion phone calls.

Oh, I also second wearing an ipod to listen to music or podcasts while you're with him. I do this when I'm with my own children for god's sake, which I would hate anybody in real life to know! Actually if he can hear any audio, comedies would be a good thing to listen to with him, eg Radio 4 Sorry I Haven't a Clue type things.

OP you can step away. Let the social services deal with it, otherwise you will end up having a nervous breakdown with no-one to look after you.
It won't make you a terrible person, you are obviously not coping, if you can't even deal rationally with people responding to you on a thread that YOU started, asking for help.
Give social services notice, tell your dad anything, you've got to go into hospital, just go no contact, anything. You won't go to hell.

Thinking of extreme measures here.
Buy a second cheap phone and set up his calls to all divert to that phone. Tell him you will only be turning that phone on once every other day at a particular time (or whatever you are comfortable with). Record an answerphone message on that phone reminding him that that is the arrangement. Leave him with a list of numbers he can contact if he has a serious problem in the meantime (warden of the sheltered accommodation for example).

Buy multiple packs of cheap bedding and change for a new pack once a week. Put the one you have taken off in the washing machine and ask the carers to take it out when they come.

Get yourself some counselling.

Start limiting visits to 15 minutes for a while (this doesn't have to be forever). Meditate/practice mindfulness during this time. If he talks he talks. You don't need to respond. If it's silent it's silent.

Do whatever you need to do each day for self care. You will be better able to care for your father if you are really, really being compassionate to yourself and making your self care your first priority. Reward yourself for every 15 minute visit.

Take a bunch of flowers ever time and take time telling him what the different kinds of flowers are and arranging them.

Fenella, Mayday and anyone else choosing just to have a pop: Kindly fuck off. Have you not got anything better to do? Try reading the damn thread before you jump in with such shit.

The rest of you, thank you.

I am NOT dismissing anything out of hand. I am telling you what will NOT WORK with him. I know what he's like, I'm bloody well living it. Those saying "ignore the phone" - if I do that, all that will acheieve is 30 more phone calls because I'm not answering the phone. The only way to get him to go away is to answer the fucking phone and I do not WANT to answer the fucking phone, I am sick of being at his beck and call and on a leash. This is not because of "his dementia". He does not HAVE dementia. He has severe anxiety around not being able to get hold of me and is taking it out on me and has done for the last ten years. Nobody is bloody listening and I am SICK of you all telling me that I'm wrong. I am not wrong, I've known this man for 51 years.

I’m so sorry, OP. Really really shitty situation. I have read the whole thread.

You can’t have what you want, which is to stop him calling you, for him to get social interaction with other people and not just you. That much is clear. No matter how much you want that, it is not going to happen.

So you need to manage your reactions, expectations and your guilt.

it doesn't solve the problem. It doesn't stop him calling me and it doesn't stop his distress at not being able to get hold of me, which makes him call me even more, and I'm still going to see fifty three thousand missed calls

That problem is unresolvable. A PP has posted about iPhone settings and turning off notifications which sounds like a good start to managing your reaction to it?

For the social interaction aspect, accept your dad has enough. It doesn’t seem enough, but it is. Carers every day, district nurse twice a week, you once a week. It’s ok. Feel no guilt on that score.

Just because it doesn’t seem enough doesn’t mean it isn’t enough. ‘Enough’ is good enough.

If he doesn't have a number for your phone then he can't keep calling it.

Yes, right. Don't give him my number. Brilliant. So simple isn't it. And then I'm cutting off an 89 year old man. Could you do that with a clear conscience? What sort of person are you that you could do that? You know what he would do, if I did that? He would kill himself.

There is no bloody way out of this.

There is no bloody way out of this

How can you make peace with that fact, is the problem you need to solve. How can you make it more bearable for you? Don’t worry about him - he’s safe, looked after and has options even if he’d rather not take them. How can you give yourself options?