Need some help. Visiting my elderly father is excrutiating.

[needsomehelpwiththisone]

I've done a new account for this post but I've been here for a long time.

I am desperate for some advice about visiting my elderly father, because I feel like the world's biggest bitch and I don't know what to do.

Background: We have nothing in common. We did not get on well when I was growing up. I am an only child (relevant). My mother is dead (also relevant).

A few years ago, dad, by then in his mid 80s (now late 80s) moved into sheltered accommodation about a half hour drive from me having previously lived seven hours away at the other end of the country. There was really no other option as due to my own poor health I could not make the visit to see him any more and he was all alone and beginnig to struggle on his own. Until the point where he moved, we saw each other once a year, perhaps twice at the very most - I would go "home" to visit for a couple of days at a time and we'd both be climbing the walls after a day. Visits were only ever two days at the most. My father is very insular. Conversations consisted of "Do you watch this television programme?" and nothing more. He was never interested in anything I had to say, so I didn't bother to tell him what was going on in my life. It was painful.

Now he lives near me and is older and still on his own, I am expected to visit once a week. In principle I agree with this, he's on his own after all and I'm his only living relative. But I find the visits absolutely excrutiating and I'm beginning to put off going. We are not close, and we have nothing to talk about. He doesn't listen to anything I have to say, so there's no point telling him anything. I arrive, I take him to the shop, but this only takes half an hour at the most, and then I don't know what to do. We sit there in silence. He doesn't do anything except watch television, so I can't ask him about his day. He's also very deaf, so conversation is almost impossible, even if he was interested in anything I had to say.

He also insists on phoning me twice a day just to "hear my voice" (he can make out my voice on the phone, apparently, but nobody else's). I understand why, he's very lonely, but I don't know what to say to him then either and vice versa. I have no clue how to relate to him at all and never have done. Our relationship growing up was fractious and argumentative and unpleasant - he's mellowed with age - but there are no nice memories to sit and talk about. I sometimes take him out for lunch, but again, conversation is so difficult that we sit and eat lunch in the pub in silence and then I take him home again.

Please, what can I do to make these visits more bearable for both of us? Not going is not an option, since he will call me and beg me to go if I don't. I dread going. I put it off for as long as humanly possible. And I feel terrible.

He will not go into a home.

He does not "interact" where he is at the moment. He refuses to.

Have you read the thread? Clearly not.

God, I'm sick of bloody repeating myself. It's like talking to him.

Read the thread.

As others have said, dementia doesn't roll in all in one go. It's insidious, and sometimes even the nearest and dearest don't notice as it's so gradual. Mil passed the dementia test numerous times. In fact my dog could have passed with flying colours. It wasn't until mil had a brain scan that it could be seen that over half of her brain had "died". She became aggressive - very aggressive - and frightened at the same time. She would phone family members repeatedly (actually helped by fil) wishing them happy birthday when it wasn't their birthdays for months. She became doubly incontinent. It wasn't until she attacked a carer (the first time they visited; she didn't want any) that the GP stepped in.

Actually, OP, I think you should call your df's GP. Ask for a phone call back, and explain the situation. Your df will definitely need a care home situation before long, so perhaps it is best to get the ball rolling asap.

I don't think you can stop your dad phoning - you need to change the way you react. If you got a phone dedicated to his calls you could leave a lovely personal message for him so when he calls he'll hear your voice reassuring him and reminding him that you can't come to the phone, but you'll phone him as usual at X time and see him on Y. Stop answering the phone and stop stressing out over the missed calls. I think you've been given some excellent advice on this thread by professionals and by other people caring for elderly relatives. You've been pretty rude to most of them, but people are seeing you are in a stressful situation and still coming back with kindness to try and give help and support. You need to do the same for your dad - he's very old so it's not a situation that will go on forever.

If you died what would happen to him?

No he wouldn't be left to die! The state has legal responsibility and would step in and act in his best interests.

OP - I have an iPhone.

Go to settings, then phone then notifications and switch them off. Then you wont see missed calls. That might be a start to relieve some of your stress. Put it on Do not disturb and check it at your will not his.

I have just checked it on mine by ringing my iPhone from Landline and not answering it. It rings but then you have your dads number set to silent don't you? There is no missed call notification though. If you go to the log it shows but not on the home screen so you wont know how many times he has called unless you check the log.

And for goodness sake don't listen to the messages. I just deleted them when my MIL did as your Dad does and just rang repeatedly until we answered. Screening calls, turning ringer off and deleting answer machine messages were the only way we could cope. We phoned her at least once a day and went round three or four times a week and did her shopping, got cash out etc. We were closer than you are to your dad though and there were more of us to cope together.

OP 
I'm a carer (home carer as a job) and I can feel your frustration
Alias I think it was had the good ideas
No, he wouldn't just be left, I go to a lot of people with no family. The doctors would come to him, or patient transport for hospital appointments
I would ring SS
It is OK for you to step back, you need to look after YOURSELF first. And yes, that is how some people live. I go to people who never leave the house, or refuse to socialise etc, it is normal (in a way)

The phone... I think change your number, give it to the staff/carers and not him. And then you can ring him, pick the same time every day. If there's an emergency then there is people there or the staff can ring you
Sure he will be annoyed but he's annoyed/frustrated when he can't get hold of you anyway and so are you when he's ringing you so remove the frustration from yourself and leave it on him
It is NOT all your responsibility, I think you need to ring SS and whoever else, his doctor etc and say loud and clear "this is what it's like, I cannot cope, I need help"

I don't know why you're being so aggressive with posters. You can't have it both ways.... one minute he doesn't have enough shopping to do it online the next minute he has too much shopping to store so has to go every week. You could take him to the shops every other week, if you feel it benefits him, and on alternate weeks get his shopping yourself and drop it round as it seems to be a predictable list. You have options if you want to make changes but then it seems like you think the current set up is the only workable one. My Dad no longer leaves his building except for hospital appointments, his physical condition makes it very difficult even though he's only in his 70s. You've said there's communal areas and other people around, he has options. You wouldn't be condemning him to a life confined to his room unless that was what he chose to do.

People are trying to help taking time to post and read but the OP is mostly telling people off

My GM died by the way aged 89 and my DM followed her six months later suddenly aged 69
@cptartapp, A chilling tale, which raises the question how much of our personal wellbeing should we sacrifice to prop up elderly parents

People are trying to help taking time to post and read but the OP is mostly telling people off

That is unfair. The OP is stressed and some people have not RTFT so are making suggestions already suggested and dismissed. She is obviously at the end of her tether. I have been in that place as have others and it is all absorbing. Cut her some slack

I did read your original post. You didn't mention he wouldn't go into residential care. You actually sound as difficult as you suggest your father is. You both need help perhaps?

Toughen up? Try living this

I have lived needy aged family members. You do not have a magic fairy wand to give them a happy and fulfilled life. You cannot fill their days. You cannot be on hand to fuss over them 24/7. You cannot be their entertainment manager to give interest to their life 24/7. You cannot make a selfish person considerate and nice. They are the way they choose to be if they don't have dementia.

You cannot change another person. You can only change yourself.

So you need to change and accept that DF will be unhappy and anxious much of the time, also bored, unpleasant and difficult. And you cannot change that. You can do some stuff for him but basically you have your own life to get on with and you cannot fix his.

for you op. All you did was ask how to make your visits more bearable, and you've taken so much flak - never seen this before in the Elderly Parents board, it's usually very supportive. Don't take it too personally.

the OP has handed out quite a bit of flak to posters, I think that's why some are finding it hard to be unconditionally supportive.
I feel for her, but shooting down people who are well meaning can be counterproductive

Thanks JuliaJaynes I felt a bit berated.

This man needs a psycho geriatrician. Hopefully this will be picked up via memory clinic. If it isn't, then he still needs one.

Listen, please, you are getting angry with posters when you are really angry at the situation and I'm actually getting quite concerned about your own mental health because you're sounding more and more irate and stressed as the thread goes on. No-one is blaming you or saying that you aren't doing enough or that you need to do more. The majority of people are trying to give you the permission (that you can't seem to give yourself) to put a stop to this.

I had a very similar thing happen to me and ran myself ragged for years trying to make an elderly relative (that I really loved) happy when they had severe anxiety and depression which segued into dementia. I look back now and realise they were very unfair to me but it was because they had dementia. It was extremely difficult because I had health issues of my own and little support and I did it for as long as I could but it reached a point where I couldn't do it anymore or I would have gone under.

You need your dad to reach crisis point in order for him to get more care and for people to realise the extent of his dementia - there's no doubt in my mind that he has it. People in the earlier stages of the illness can seem quite lucid at times but their memory, empathy, decision-making processes and rationality are damaged. Your dad may sound like he knows what he is doing when he rings you multiple times but he really doesn't, it is all about him trying to cope with his anxiety. You are mixing up his former selfishness with his dementia. Dementia exacerbates the negative elements of people's personalities and makes them worse.

You have to be cruel to be kind and you need to withdraw from the phone calls completely and let him get so anxious it leads to a crisis of some kind - which it will. He will be unable to cope with his anxiety and this will make him go and speak to people where he lives which will expose how he isn't coping, he will probably cause a scene of some sort. Only this will bring you help. You need to stop telling yourself how terrible it is that he has no life and how awful it would be if you stopped helping him as much. You are projecting and seeing yourself in his shoes, it is not helping. He chose to be so isolated and to be an unpleasant father, you are not punishing him for this you have tried your best but he won't co-operate and now you need to take yourself out of the equation. Forget what other people might think or say or what you feel you ought to be doing - people who judge have never experienced someone with dementia who is totally uncooperative. I have been where you are, if you don't allow yourself to stop you will have a mental or physical breakdown. YOU NEED TO STOP.

Just because he has anxiety does not mean he has dementia. He does not have a dementia diagnosis and I'm really tired of having to repeat myself.

He has always had severe anxiety. All his life.

JuliaJaynes9 I am not handing out flak. I am sick of people not listening to me. Nobody is listening to me. He doesn't listen to me, they don't listen to me, and now nobody here is listening to a word I'm saying either.

Your dad may sound like he knows what he is doing when he rings you multiple times but he really doesn't, it is all about him trying to cope with his anxiety.

Yes, and as I keep saying multiple times, he has done this FOR YEARS. This is not new. This is not something that's been happening since he's "had dementia" (which he has not been diagnosed with,and I really wish people would stop making out that I'm lacking in some way for not looking after someone with dementia). He started doing this over 10 years ago, when my mother went into care and his anxiety ramped up without her. He was perfectly well and lucid then. He knows exactly what he's doing. He doesn't CARE what he's doing, and that's different.

Just because he doesn't have a dementia diagnosis does not mean he doesn't have dementia. It was four years before my relative got a dementia diagnosis - she had dementia for all of those years with textbook symptoms. Someone further back in the thread has already told you that her mother passed all the dementia tests with flying colours but when she had a brain scan half her brain had died.

I did read your original post. You didn't mention he wouldn't go into residential care. You actually sound as difficult as you suggest your father is.

You clearly haven't read the rest of the thread.

Read it properly before making suggestions. This has been discussed at length.

You both need help perhaps?

And you need to sod off before making such shitty comments. Difficult? Try living my life. Come on. Swap with me. Try it for one day. And read the bloody thread properly before making such stupid comments in the future, or don't bother - I really don't care. I don't need "help" from people like you.