Support for those who care for elderly parents - drop in as you need, everyone welcome

[CMOTDibbler]

All of us would rather not be here, but we need to be - with the people who really understand.

Hi Marmite, I'm so sorry and Liney too Not easy any of this .

Hi Marmite and Liney. You both have an awful lot on. try not to do more than the essentials and tell people how the can help.
Liney- mixed in with exams it's really tough. Take care.

Thanks, thesandwich. That's kind of you.

Liney and Marmite, so sorry to hear your troubles. And with teen exams too, Liney - not a great combination, is it?

I'm so sorry Marmite.

Hope the teens exams have gone/are going as well as possible Liney.

My mum has killed the kettle. I suspect she may have hit it from the description. However they have done pretty well on appliances after the microwave massacre, so no great harm done. Amazon Prime to the rescue again!

CMOT - my DM's massacred microwave is still lying in her overgrown garden!

They had 3 in a year! One had a saucepan put in it, another got put on for far too long, and I can't remember the other. The cheapest one I could get, with two dials, an application of tape so the power couldn't be changed and you only saw the time up to 5 minutes has been successful.
OTOH, the new washing machine, mum got the hang of straightaway, but dad can't use. Alas mum will not be diverted from using the same volume of powder that she's always used (ie, back to her twin tub) despite how much they are concentrated now. Am trying to get dad to do a rinse cycle in case this is causing his rash, but he can't seem to manage this. Must text their cleaner about it actually..

How is everyone? Sorry I've not been back for a while

Sorry to here about your mum SPT. But the funeral sounds interesting and being internetted in - wow !

BTM how have the exams gone? ( can't remember if AS or A2). Dd2 has just done her final AS and is back to normal school.

CMOT hows you and yours ?

We still have a house and a half of stuff. After emptying and just taking to the homeless hostel 95% of what dad had left , the other stuff, his paintings, his hats, shoes, wheelchairs - I just can't deal with ....but practically the wheelchairs , shoes he wore a coup,e of times etc should just be ebayed. I have of emotional attachment to them but I still can't !

And all the stuff that came why we did the house - can't do it. Not even the bazillion poor quality photos ! I'm going to have to get tough. We are shuffling round heaps and have been for near 18 months! Argh

On the upside - my blooming gerbil died a few days after dad. Talk about kicking me when I'm down - well the new gerbils have been here about 6 weeks and are getting tamer. Small bits if happy ;)

Its all about letting go though isn't it Helen? Throwing out someones stuff is hard enough at the best of times, but choosing what to remember of your parents is awful. Could you do it a box a day, Marie Kondo style?

We went to my parents today (last week didn't happen due to weather because no one wants to sit in a house smelling of wee for hours). Plan was to get there, push mum into town for the carnival, have a sausage inna bun for lunch, mooch about. Got there, dad tells me we 'have' to go to the pub for lunch. And have to go at 11.15. We aren't allowed to choose from the menu, have to have something from todays special offer, even though we'd prefer something cheaper...
It didn't all go terribly well tbh. Dads thinking is just so incredibly rigid now, he won't wait for ds to look at anything, we have to do everything exactly as he would normally. And he's being soooo rude to people - his social skills filter has gone. Lots of repetition.
Mum is a bit brighter in herself. No idea who I am. Delighted to see the dogs, seemed to be happy with an ice cream.

Ho hum. Not sure what to do next time.

Hello all. Helen- sorry to hear about the gerbil- and I understand how tough it must be trying to get rid of stuff. I have been helping a friend sort clothes for a friend who is now in a care home- what to keep,what to chuck- plus all of the memories each brings.
CMOT- sounds like you've had a tough time. It must be so hard dealing with your parents- and very hard on your ds. Especially if your mum does not know who you are- and you mustn't dare think about what happens when the are on their own.
Here only one exam left- and elderlies still ok except bil is a bit worried that the care fil is getting seems not quite as good - we wonder if costs increasing are leading to reduced staffing. He has problems with urine due to not drinking enough..
and to everyone juggling exams and elderlies- and SPT how are you doing now your dd has set off?

Is there something yo be said for setting yourself a time Helen where you don't put yourself under any pressure to get rid of anything? I think when it all sits there staring at you it creates a sense of really must get rid of it, but maybe if you leave it for now it can be part of the grieving process when you feel more ready? I hope that makes some sense, it does if did in my head.

That sounds tough CMOT. It sounds maybe as if it would be a little easier if it was for a shorter time next time maybe ? I feel for you, so hard when there are children involved. Don't know quite else what to suggest.

Sandwich, glad the end in sight for DD. That's not so good about FIL's care though.

DD has arrived safely. She Skyped to wish DH happy Father's Day and had gone to do a food shop and seems ok. I am very tired from a couple of very full on and hectic weeks so having a quiet day. I do feel ok though so far about her not being there. I have been catching up with old friends a bit which has been lovely.

On Thursday there is a ceremony for my Mother's bones at a Temple and they will be going into the river then. Her ashes are enroute back yo the UK. I'm having a few issues with places and the death certificate but guess it always going to be a bit tricky. The week is pretty busy again though, roll on the summer holidays.

Hi Helen! The AS's have gone! She has done a couple of uni open days with mates, another one with school today, and then has 6 days of school left How is your DD doing?

House-clearing is hard, isn't it Helen? I am so glad I did my DM's in a blur when she first went into the home - I spent hardly any time considering stuff as I knew she couldn't use it and we couldn't take it all home. It maybe was easier because she has "only" moved to a home rather than died?

Gosh CMOT, that sounds really tough

Sandwich, because DM has lost so much weight over the last year or two, hardly any of her stuff fitted her/was fit to still be worn which made it easier.

SugarPlum, glad to hear your DD is OK and you are managing too. Hope the ceremony goes well on Thursday.

Thought I would pop in, though it is the same old, same old for me. It is nice to see Sugar and Helen back. My mother is likely to have another six or seven years in her dementia neverland, so I feel like some strange ghost haunting this thread.

Beach huts are harder to purchases than houses. Land Registry, Council Licenses and more. I think we are almost there. Kindly the outgoing owners have given me the keys so we don't miss the summer. Oddly the main advantage, till my mother gets to a stage where cafes become difficult, is for me to have somewhere to go between chores. She has late afternoon dental surgery next week, so I may go down early take a packed lunch, a book and a swimming costume and have a mini beach holiday before picking my mum up. Return day trips which involve five to six hours in the car, and the stress of getting my mum out and about to a deadline, can be a killer. However this time I have something to look forward to.

We are in exam season too. DD had 11 A2 exams and is in her eigth at the moment. Four this week, so yesterday after a morning exam she gave up on revision, and we went out to lunch together, followed by a trip to a large Mango store which has just opened near us, and some baking. She is lucky in that she has a relatively low offer, and so is under a lot less stress than some of her classmates. It was such a lovely day, and sad as she is about to leave home. I can't help thinking that the next period during which we might spend significant time together is when I need help. I really don't want this for her.

The little beach holiday sounds blissful NMS. Its a 4 hour round trip for us, and something meaningful to do while in the area would be fab. Theres only a few hours a day that my parents want to have us around - between 10 (after district nurse) and 11.15 (go to pub for lunch), and 1-2 possibly. Other times they are sleeping.
Bless her, their carer went in yesterday afternoon as dad wanted scrambled eggs from the eggs I'd taken him from our hens. Neither mum or dad knew how to make them (I know he used to), so carer popped in to make them for him.

I swear when its my turn to clear my parents house I will be organising an Elderly Parents meet up and plying you all with prosecco and chocolate to help me! They've only ever lived in this house and are terrible collectors of stuff

Clearing stuff, one method:

1. Have a deadline, perhaps three months hence, to have the property ready for market or letting. Get estate agents in early so you know what needs to be done.

1. Clear the spare bedroom so you can stay. It feels really naughty to be going through your parents things but gets better as the place becomes emptier.

1. If there has been a problem with cleaning carry round some antiseptic wipes and wipe everything you touch, like door handles, for a couple of days. Gross, but I kept getting sick till I did this. Once I had cleaned the kitchen I felt able to eat heat and serve dishes, but it took a long time to get rid of the "old lady" smell, and till then I really did not want to cook/eat there.

1. Identify a few key items that carry most memory and place them in your parent's room if they are in care. Photos, ornaments etc. My mother is very happy to talk about them, but does not need many.

1. Order things by category. So I had piles of crockery, photos, paperwork etc on the floor across the flat. I took the paperwork home and sorted it whilst watching TV. I did a deal with the block cleaner and she picked up anything I left outside the front door. (Equally a hospice would have done it.) I bought some very big stackable plastic crates from Homebase and placed anything my mother might attach value to in them. These now take up the whole of a very large storage cupboard in her sheltered flat, allowing me to show her each time she accused me of stealing. The advantage is that these are now labelled china, or glass or whatever so I can simply take them to a china dealer if and when she moves. (There are at least three full dinner services!) I did mean to use the large box of photos to talk to her, though have not done so yet. She seems content with what is out. It is surprising how much you can fit into a crate. I packed quite a lot of her clothes into suitcases, as she said she would need them. These cases have never been open, and I should stick them in the reclycling. Instead as her every day clothes wore out and she changed clothes size, the carer has been buying her simple trousers with elasticated waists and polo shirts. (No buttons!) In short I have delayed a lot of decisions.

1. Depending on the value of the property, appliances can be surprisingly cheap. Replacing key kitchen appliances will immediately update the kitch and much easier than trying to clean/repair an old one, especially one that has been misused. (None of my mum's appliances really worked. AO will bring a new set within a couple of days, plumb them in and take the old ones away. Magic.)

1. When the house/flat is empty hire a firm of professional cleaners. The estate agent you plan to use should know of good ones. They should scrub the inside of cupboards, shampoo carpets, clean windows etc. I did a lot of this as I went along, but far less time consuming to have a clean sweep at the end.

1. Have company. I found that facing memories of my childhood, and evidence of some less than kind acts, was difficult. It is very personal going through someone elses stuff. It was far easier when DH came down for a weekend. We could do two or three hours in the morning, then a good pub lunch and a walk, and more later. And obviously much easier to have someone else go with you to the dump or recycling.

1. Only take home things you will use. We did well in terms of guest beds, my mums car (which we still use as it was bigger and more suiitable for the motorway driving we now do), two years worth of shampoo, a year of soap powder, and so on. Oddly having faced so much stuff, I am now very reluctant to buy things for myself. Minimalism rules.

May I volunteer for CMOTs house party.

I know what you mean about that naughty feeling NMS, although clearing my parents' place is a work in progress which will probably never end as my bro lives there and his own attachments have to be considered. Still on my last visit we managed 4 trips to the dump and again he agreed with all my decisions which was good. Dad's garages really are a phenomenon. I was wondering how so much stuff could be contained in there, then it dawned on me: it's like a compost heap, stuff (chairs/ papers/ clothes etc) mulches down and makes way for moref, so the actual amount of stuff he's rammed in there over the decades is nearly infinite. 15 trips to the dump so far (all in hired cars as I am not a car owner) and I reckon I have cleared 1/5 or 1/4 of the 2 garages. I do feel a certain resentment that he never, not once considered what his children would be left with after he was gone/ no longer able to cope. I feel a kind of triumph every time I drive away from the dump.
Dad's brother has also been diagnosed with Alzheimers and is stuck in a hospital in Bangkok, no power of attorney so my aunt or cousin can't do anything. I am determined not to leave my kids in such a position and will be doing a POA.

NMS, I get what you mean about dementia never-land - I think my DM could be there for a long time too.

Re clearing houses, I found it really very unnerving staying in DM's house on my own and even with DH. It was MUCH better staying in a nice hotel (or even a Traveldodgy) and just going in to clear.

NMS sounds way more organised and careful than me - I made sure I had all her paperwork (including checking books and clothes pockets) then I just called some second-hand dealers to take away anything they wanted and took some (well actually loads) of stuff to the local charity shops and then millions of trips to the tip for the rest. I did take some of the decent stuff and some photos, but very little else. Still need to collect and clear a few more bits then get the furniture cleared (will be calling a clearance firm) and perhaps cleaned. Presuming we actually manage to sell it

Put me down for the Elderly Parents clearout meet up CMOT!
Hello all, I'm still dithering about whether to move dm fron sheltered to a home following her 2 falls. The assessor from the home is coming to meet her tomorrow to assess her care needs so after that it will be decision time. I'm not good at this!

Its funny, but just knowing people are joking about joining me makes me feel better about the whole thing. This thread takes away the feeling of isolation - who else could I tell that I realised mum had just put a fleece over her pyjamas rather than putting proper clothes on?

Bob, for the garages, would it be easier to hire a giant skip and just put everything straight in there, rather than going to the tip?

ZaZa, hope the assessor is good

BTM, you never know - the market here seems to be pretty buoyant

CMOT, putting a fleece on over pj's is quite normal for a lot of people

Yes, maybe I shouldn't fret about her not dressing properly (and my dad not noticing/caring) and just let her rock it! Maybe get her some Ugg knock offs too

Good thinking CMOT

Oh God, the assessor from the care home came to ser dm and me today and it was as bad as in my nightmares. The assessment itself was ok - it was what came after. DM sayibg 'so my family don't want me then', 'I've always said I'm never going in a home', 'my gran lived with us' etc etc. Her dementia is not bad enough for her to be oblivious, but at the same time she has no idea of all that has to be done for her (4 carers a day plus me). It's useless trying to explain. I feel so shit.

Oh no ZaZa

Despite my DM begging me/the carers/SS/the Nursing Home manager to take her somewhere away from her own house, she moans constantly when I call/see her that she doesn't want to be there/wishes she was dead, etc. It is very guilt-inducing, but I think it is quite normal for those with dementia - they just have no idea of the pressure it puts on those who have to deal with them at home whereas a care/nursing home is properly set-up to support them.

You need to do what is right for yourself and your family as well as making sure she is safe and cared-for.