Support for those who care for elderly parents - drop in as you need, everyone welcome

[CMOTDibbler]

All of us would rather not be here, but we need to be - with the people who really understand.

I too get all dm's woes while dbro must be sheltered from such hardship. E.g. if she's having a bad week healthwise and db is due to visit she'll say to me 'do you think I should tell db not to come this week?' It makes me mad because I come every day and my only possible 'days off' are when db comes over.

I MN while dad is on the phone. Its a totally one way street with him (apart from news about the chickens, he likes to hear about them), so I just need to 'hmm' and 'really'. Otherwise I'd go nuts.

Took DM out for coffee this morning."i'm not moaning but....look at the state of the postman/skip at the end of the road/all this traffic...........but I'm not moaning..." I did suggest she had it tattooed on her wrist a la Judy Dench...
It just means more cake required.......

Glad to hear it's not just my DM!

just had a call from her nursing home - apparently she's had a fight with another resident Well snatching/tussling overy something belonging to the other woman who punched DM in the stomach All sorted now!

OMG, we've just had another call - another incident - she apparently hit someone at dinner time No idea if it was the same person, but they think she might have a UTI. Unfortunately, she won't give a sample ATM so they are going to try later/tomorrow.

It's not dull, is it?!

Oh BTM it's like toddlers at playgroup isn't it? Mil became similar. You must dread each call. Take care.

It's so ironic. She is/was such a stickler for good behaviour from children and DS used to drive her mad with his full-on nature. She expected them to be seen and not heard. Now he has grown into a fabulous young man and she has descended to the level of a tantruming toddler!

Does anyone else have trouble relaxing when they have the chance? As I live only a mile from dm I see her every day, and I have already done so today. However now I'm at home on my own with some free time I feel kind of guilty that I really don't have anything I have to do but I'm not spending the time with dm, who is always desperate for company.
I also find that when she asks me, 'what are you doing later?', although it's probably just her making conversation, I have to have a list of things to justify not staying at hers all day!

Hello Zaza- yes I get what you are saying! My DM lives less than half a mile away. I do sometimes feel guilty about not seeing her more but have found for my own sanity and health I have to manage it.... I have worked out what I can do- one outing per week and on Sunday morning plus one call in/ shopping etc. She has a procession of carers/ cleaners/ gardeners etc who are there virtually every day. I work for myself so vaguely mention dull tasks like vat....... It is not easy but you deserve your downtime.

I know I do really Sandwich, but I guess I've just got guilty bones! Also, whereas at one time dm would have agreed, she can now see no barrier to me being her constant companion - despite having a couple of anxious teens, part time work and my own household stuff to do.

Zaza, stress, tiredness and guilt sound familiar, though I am a lot more selfish. After a crisis, it takes months for stress and tiredness to ease. All I can suggest is that guilt, in any form, is a waste of emotional energy.

Then triage. You have things you need to do, and then things you also need to do, which includes quality time with your teens, and some time to yourself.

The latter might include an afternoon spent watching tennis, Tour de France or whatever, not getting out of bed on a Sunday morning and having your kids bring you breakfast, binge watching or reading something easy (my own solution of Netflix and an iPad, which I got for recuperating from an operation, proved perfect for A levels and the nights DD could not sleep. We would simply lie in bed watching an old episode of a favourite programme, till she was sufficiently distracted to feel sleepy), gardening, baking, spa session, walking (I have joined a walking group), or a drink with a friend who will listen and let you off-load. You are also important. And looking after yourself is a priority.

Yes, your mother is lonely, and you should ensure you spend some time with her, but she is not always the over-riding priority.

Is there scope to do more than one thing at once. DD needed to do some volunteering prior to her University applications, so spent the summer working at my mother's sheltered housing. We also managed to include her in a beach BBQ this week, which went well. She was comfortable sitting and watching, and seemed to enjoy being part of a group.

We would all like our parents to be happy. But old age is miserable, and to a large extent how people cope depends on the networks, interests and coping skills they have built up over their lives. We can't do much to change anything, and also have duties to our children and ourselves.

Thanks Needmore, it's good to be reassured that I'm not doing anything wrong. I do have my own interests and friends to see which is great and I enjoys doing these - it's just when I actually have nothing to do (well there's always something needing doing but you know what I mean) it feels kind of wrong. But I know it's not really - it just helps to have people put it into words.
I wish dm had built up more of a network when she was younger. When she worked (until 65) it wasn't too bad and she did socialise a bit, but that gradually dropped off after enforced retirement and she was always too shy to join anything. She also always says 'I like being with my family best' - more pressure!
Thanks for the much needed reassurance.

Completely Echo nms. We cannot make them happy- and we owe it to ourselves and our dc to look after ourselves. It is a never ending job if we are not careful. Give what you can- but don't take on too much- and please try not to feel guilty. Essential maintenance.

Absolutely Sandwich, it is a case you could pour everything into them and it not make everything better - but the people that would really notice are our children and spouses.
Its also about playing the long game - who knows how long we will be caring (either directly or from a distance), and you have to keep yourself well for the duration. Give too much, and there'll be nothing left later.

Mum would have said she had lots of friends btw, and they all dropped off very quickly once she was ill. Now only her 97 year old friend sees her, in spite of others walking past her house

CMOT, the friend thing sounds typical. My cousin regretted choosing a care home near where her father lived, as though my uncle had been very sociable, few of his friends chose to, or were able to visit. Luckily my father was an enthusiastic joiner of things, often against my mother's wishes, and most of my mum's local support (visits, lifts to church) are due to these organisations.

Zaza might ask SS for a list of local organisations. There might be a visiting/befriending one. I am lucky in that my mother decided her retirement was the time for her to pursue leisure activities (she was never particuarly maternal) and decided not to invest time building relationships with grandchildren or wider family. Even if she does not really remember, getting a change of scene and time with other people is important to her and helps her mood. Sheltered housing with its built in community helps, but she is equally happy to be taken out by the carer she likes, or have others visit. So as long as I make sure she is not isolated, she does not expect me to be there.

Zaza, does anyone come in other than you? Is there money , perhaps from Attendence Allowance, which would allow you to pay, say the cleaner, or even a younger person (a would be medical school applicant, a DofE volunteer or someone's sensible au pair wanting to converse in English) to take her out. We sold the first carer, a lovely Hungarian, as someone who wanted to improve her English. My mother, who had been a teacher, liked the idea of "helping" her.

Needmore believe it or not she already has carers 4 times a day (3 from hospital SS for the moment plus 1 private one I have arranged). This is working ok to keep her fed and dressed etc. but she usually can't remember they have been.
There are also activities in the sheltered housing where she lives but because of her eyesight and dementia she needs me to get her there which means I need to be around anyway! I do this at least once a week though just so she talks to other people (she can never recognise or remember any of them though).
I just need to try to put my guilt away somewhere and lose it!
Anyway, how's everyone else doing?

Sounds familiar. Dm will deny she has someone coming in every day, yet is very happy to see her. She will also complain that I never visit, even if I was in the day before. But I think she does benefit from being with people, and its helps her mood.

Park the guilt, and accept that whatever you do won't be enough. Your mother probably does not have the context to apply reason to her demands. And perhaps think about leaving reminders - flowers with a message attached, or a card, so if she is feeling lonely she can see someone was in recently.

Oh God, the guilt thing I get completely and I am 200miles away! I have to manage how often I speak to her as she moans incessantly/says she wishes she was dead, etc and I feel awful and can't sleep for 2 or 3 nights after despite knowing that she is well cared-for and I couldn't make her happy even if I was there 24 hours a day.
She does have friends who visit - she was in lots of groups/clubs up until the last couple of years.
So nice to hear others saying park the guilt.

Well I haven't posted for a while, mostly because I am no longer in the intense phase of supporting Dad to live in his own home, and dealing with all the attendant logistics and crises. He is now in a care home, which brings its own challenges, but they are more internal: facing up to his progressing dementia, wondering whether he recognises me, wondering whether he is truly safe there (the CQC review was less than glowing), basically dealing with the sadness of the situation without the adrenaline of all the crises. I really feel for all you brave people who are carrying the management of a dependent parent (and inCMOT's case both parents) at home, I particularly remember the constant guilt . It is a lot less strong now, and Zaza, BTM and others you don't need me to tell you that in this game guilt is seldom a reflection of how much / little you asre doing, in my experience those who are facing up to the situation often feel all the guilt, whereas those who have chosen to stay away feel very little. Try and bat it away whenever you can, it serves no purpose and as all the old timers here say you need to be kind to yourself if only so you can keep going. Wishing everyone a good weekend.

It's interesting to hear the difference when your parent's in a care home Bob. It nearly came to that recently when dm was in hospital for the second time in a month but things have calmed down now.
BTM, let's park the guilt together (maybe in a nice big parent & child space!).

Hello all,
I posted at the end of May to say hello and about my elderly FIL (early 80s). He was living at home but increasingly less able to look after himself and unwilling to accept any help. DH has two siblings and I think we had all come to the conclusion that there wasn't an awful lot we could do if he wouldn't.

Since then something of a crisis has occurred. 2 weeks ago they visited and found he had had a stroke. He was admitted into hospital. He was confused and not making sense with his speech. A week ago he fell over in the hospital and broke his hip and his femur so has had an operation for that. He is now really immobile. He does recognise people but has no conversation, what little he does say makes no sense, and it is not clear he understands what is being said to him (the hospital definitely wanted someone to give the go ahead for the operation apart from him). He sleeps almost continuously. Communication is difficult to the point where the hospital have given him a card with pictures of basic requirements on e.g. loo, drink, food etc but DH was trying it with hm the other day and he wasn't able to point to things. He is very deaf which doesn't help but I tried writing things down and had no response.
I suppose the first thing is for him to rehabilitate from the operation but it really seems to have knocked him sideways, even more so than when he went in, but to be expected I suppose. I am not sure when they will deem that his condition is down to the stroke rather than the aftermath of the op.

It is a worry. This topic has been very useful and I have been following links and googling re care plans / assessments etc - which I find a bit confusing but feel more like I have a bit of a clue than I did before, so thank you anyone who has posted links etc - they are really useful.
It's all a bit day by day at the moment but I wish we could have persuaded him to do a POA as he really is not up to making any decisions at the moment and no-one has any access to his bank account for anything he might need. I think v short term should be OK as most things are on DD, things like the gardener to keep on top of that we are paying for the time being.
Unless he improves dramatically, I cannot see him being able to go home even with carers etc coming in. He really can't do anything at the moment. He owns his house which whilst not worth a lot is an asset so there is some money available but I am not clear without POA how we would go about selling that if need be. From reading it looks like when an assessment is made and agreed SS then step in the give authority for his money to be released for it. I am possibly getting ahead of myself a bit there though.
In the meantime I am trying to get more to grips with CHC which I think is the relevant assessment for what happens post hospital .

That was a little stream of consciousness but thanks all as reading some of these posts has been very helpful.
Gloria

GloriaRevolution, I am sorry you are in the situation. If I were you I would get the PoAs completed with what you think your dads wishes might be. It is possible that there will come a time when a little something happens, which frustrates him and you might be able to show it to him. Then explain how it will help.

It does not cost anything just to complete it and my experience is, that it makes such a difference. We managed, finally to persuade my parents, but my SiL could not persuade her mum. Now she has lost capacity and it is too late. She has so many frustrations with getting things done.

Kwirrell
Thanks for that but I fear the POA boat has sailed, he wouldn't be judged to have capacity to sign something like that now. I am not sure what we would / will do when he needs to pay for something as no-one has any authority to access any of his money.

I think in these circumstances you have to go to the Public Guardian. Have you contacted AGEUK? They gave me so much help and advice when I was struggling with my parents.

They were so kind, I was in floods of tears. Just the sheer relief of someone who understood my emotional needs and could give practical advice as well.

Really sorry to hear this Gloria You'll need to apply for Guardianship at the Court of Protection I think, which is unfortunately more complicated than POA. A friend is helping her BIL apply for it on behalf of her sister and found a local charity very helpful for untangling it all.

Re the house when someone is deemed as needing residential care there is something called the 12 week disregard where SS assess taking the house out of the equation for that period. They can also put a charge on the house after that time to take the pressure off on the selling front.

If he gets CHC then it isn't an issue as it isn't means tested but can be hard to get so again maybe one to get help with.