Support for those who care for elderly parents - drop in as you need, everyone welcome

[CMOTDibbler]

All of us would rather not be here, but we need to be - with the people who really understand.

Thank you Tilly. I've felt like crying all afternoon and your understanding finally set the waterworks in motion. I bet dm's crying too, at the thought tgat her daughter wants to offload her.
Nothing's set in stone yet. We're going to take her for afternoon tea there and see if she changes her tune at all because it's a lovely place, but if she's adamant, I'd be inclined to struggle on to the next crisis while dh thinks we should steamroll ahead for all our sakes. I don't carry guilt very well though, the daily grind of caring is bad but not as bad ad the guilt.

The afternoon tea sounds like a good idea.

Do they have a room free at the moment? Are they likely to have one free at short-notice in the future? The problem with waiting for a crisis is that they may not. Would you be able to visit frequently and maybe take her out if that might make you feel better?

Oh za za it must be so hard. A wise friend told me once that I am not responsible for my mothers happiness. You cannot make her happy. And you have to think about yourself and your family.
Tea sounds a good idea but the consequences on everyone of waiting for a crisi to love are horrendous. [ flowers]

Oh I'd still be seeing her every day, at least until I knew she was happy and even then I'd be there a lot - maybe every other day. It's only 15 minutes away. They do have one room right now but it's the more expensive 'suite'. I was going to see if we could wait for a standard room to come available as her money would stretch to 4 years instead of only 2.5.

If she could have gone straight from hospital to care home it would have been a lot easier as we could have pretended it was rehab, but there was no time.

Do you have a holiday booked? Then you could say she was going on her holiday while you were away and see how it went?

Whatever decision you make, it has to be something you can cope with. In the home, you aren't getting rid of her at all, but rather making time to be with her rather than spending the time you have available doing jobs

I know that's true CMOT, but dm's limited capacity for understanding won't stretch to that. We have booked a week's holiday but it's not until the end of October.

I don't want to sound underhand here, but would she know if you said you had a holiday booked but hadn't really?
Or could she/you wait till October?
Or would you feel happier settling her in rather than going on holiday?

I don't know CMOT. I think I would feel even worse for the deception. Just got a text from a carer saying "Mum's very upset, she says you want her to go in a home". I really don't think I can do it. We'll see how afternoon tea goes on Friday but I don't really expect a miracle turnaround from dm.

Sorry I meant Tilly

Maybe if it was the GP/a doctor she trusts saying it? But that might have to wait till a crisis?

There's been no regular doctor for years. The only doctor who she actually remembers is the one from when I was a child.

ZaZa I feel for you sadly though people actually wanting to go into a Home isn't that common and most people want to stay in their own home. I guess really who wouldn't? But it gets to the stage where they just don't have enough insight into their condition and needs and the pressure it puts on relatives.

Sadly it does often come to a point where a decision has to be made and often it is the only option. You have to sort if harden your heart as best you can, sort of as you would with a toddler who is doing something dangerous and needs protection for their own good.

Bones ceremony today. Somewhat surreal and quick. We thought it was going to be monks and a Temple but it was a boat and flowers. Still can't get my head around this bones thing and rather glad it was over. I felt strangely unemotional but I think that was because it was surreal.

Hugs SPT, it must be so hard watching via video link

I think it was probably easier than being there to be honest, I am a bit of a wuss.

Thanks SPT and sorry your having a hard time too.
Well I guess I'm the world's biggest coward because I've backed down - I just can't handle the guilt. I'll struggle on and see what happens next. Who knows, the bone might actually mend eventually and allow her to live more like before she fell. If it goes the other way and the falls keep happening, my hope is for a transfer from hospital straight to the 'home' if the timing works out. DH thinks I'm mad. I probably am.

Not mad ZaZa, just doing the best you can. Can your mum still read? If you set up a simple clock, or something like this with a big white board saying when you and carers have been and when you'll be back, do you think it would help her settle?

SugarPlum, I bet it must seem surreal

Zaza, don't feel bad (easier said than done!) - just do what feels right to you day-by-day

SPT it does sound surreal. Look after yourself.
Zaza you are not a coward just pragmatic. Do not beat yourself up. Can you use this as a way to get more care in for her and step back a bit? And have an emergency plan ready for when needed.

Hi everyone,

Could I join in please?
My dad is almost 88, mum is 86. Dad is pretty accepting of most things and almost house bound now. He does like to sit outside when the weather is good but doesn't enjoy taking his walking frame too far.
Mum, on the other hand, is very untrusting of anyone in authority and always has been really. She has macular degeneration which has left her almost blind, so she cannot do the caring for dad she was doing. I really had to fight to get carers in twice a day - to get dad up, dressed, washed and downstairs and vice versa basically in the evening.
Recently, mum has decided she (and dad, through no choice of his own!) don't need medication anymore and are too hot/old to eat much of anything anymore. Such a worry. She duped me by leaving empty med boxes in a neat pile.
My sister has finally decided to help and has come over to stay with them in their house. She is now cooking ready meals for dad and he is eating with a good appetite. I am trying to organise someone to come in and make food for dad (and mum if she wants it) but she is being increasingly badtempered about it, saying she doesn't want anybody else in her house. She regularly tries to get rid of the carers and 'dismisses' people who visit, like dad's chiropodist and the volunteer who used to come and chat with him!
I work full time and just cant get there to cook every single day. Sister will be going home no doubt soon.
Sorry, I've rambled on and on, how do you all cope with the negativity and venom? It's such hard work, dealing with mum and dad but then also now, dealing with my sister too! So many feelings of duty/resentment/frustration. I just dont feel competent enough to do this - is that normal?

Hello eyore. Welcome- yes it is totally nor mal to feel completely at a loss with it all - and it is the relationship bit which is hardest I think- changing roles and changing rules. We can see what could make a difference but they resist- even with others involved. No answers but lots of sympathy.

Welcome Eeyore! All very normal sadly IMHE.

Do you think your DM could be developing dementia? I think my DM has become more and more intransigent as her dementia has worsened - trying to hold onto some sort of control over her life. She was awful to the cleaners a few years ago, then when I realised she needed more support, the carers last year and now she does nothing but moan about her (lovely) Nursing Home.

Welcome Eeyore. I don't think any of us feel competent to deal with it all, and alas it can be very thankless as you bear the brunt of bad temper.

My biggest bit of advice is to blame anyone else that you can - the Dr, a nurse, 'the clinic', the vicar. 'my friend' - can have said that something has to happen.
For instance, their medication might 'have' to live in a little safe (my parents have this one as recommended by the district nurses) as the 'Pharmacist says the carers must supervise them'. Or they 'must' have meals on wheels as 'the GP says so'. Be shameless about it! Things go down a lot better when someone else has apparently said something, and even if they don't, you can just deflect any bad temper about it away from you.

Can you extend the carers time to make sure your dad has breakfast and supper?

Needing some support. I have 3 children, ages 15,11,and 3. My Mom's health began to deteriorate two summers ago and after a very long trying year with numerous surgeries and procedures, she was diagnosed with Alzheimer's and stage 5 kidney disease. She was placed on hospice and a bit over a year later here we still are. Outside UK so hospice means services in the home. She lives in the lower level of our home and for the past year I've put her to bed each night and either provided or coordinated all her care. She is unable to bathe or dress herself. I'm just so. tired. all. the. time. My brother lives next door and does fuck all. Sees her twice a month. She's going into respite for the next 5 days and I don't want her to come back. And I feel terrible I feel this way. She has moments of mental clarity and made a disparaging comment about my parenting in front of company this week and so many bad memories have been flooding my mind. Brother and his two children always favored despite poor behavior, lack of effort etc. I've been thinking about all the sacrifices my DC and DH have made and she still makes passive aggressive comments about me. I was so bothered I did say something to her when I put her to bed that night. She remembered the remark perfectly and had no real explanation, just half ass sorry I've always gotten from her. It's the tip of the iceberg of comments/actions over the years. Not seeking solutions just commiserations I guess. She's a sad, pathetic soul and I need to just get my compassion back in place. Sometimes it's just hard
And good thought to all those others out there dealing with elderly parents as well

Hi Eeyore and Social. You're in good company here. It's a thankless task isn't it? Actually my dm does thank me from time to time but really she has no idea what I actually have to do, and the minute I can't do something I'm in trouble!