Support for those who care for elderly parents - drop in as you need, everyone welcome

[CMOTDibbler]

All of us would rather not be here, but we need to be - with the people who really understand.

Thank you :)

I do think she may be starting with dementia, yes. I think she's been hiding the deterioration from me, but then I probably wouldn't like it either. She forgets such an awful lot now, what day it is, whether she's done something or not.
I'm in the process of getting an updated assessment from social services, to hopefully get carers to take responsibility for medication (once my sister leaves, this will be crucial). Also, we dont have meals on wheels here, at least not through the council. There is a private organisation who do it for £6.50 per hot meal, so I'd have to work out if that's cheaper than buying the ready meal and then paying for the allotted 'carer time' each week.
I do blame everyone else, haha! But since she hates everyone, this doesn't really save me the onslaught, I just have to listen to her venom about never going into a home/why can't people just leave them alone/stop interfering etc - sure you've all heard those!!
She said nobody else in the house but you know what - there needs to be meds and food available for my dad, even if she refuses them. Then I think, if her mind is going, should I enforce these things for her too...

God! I really never want to be old. I'm going to try to keep updated with this thread as I think I'll get some great tips off you all.
I'm in awe of how much some of you do (and more than a bit guilty)

Same here Zaza!

Eeyore, it's also so reassuring to see that other people are going through similar stuff with their DPs and it's not that you are doing something drastically wrong.

Eeyore I don't want to get old either. Nor do I want my dc to go through what I'm having to, so they already have my permission to put me in a home when it becomes necessary for my safety and their sanity. Just as long as it's a nice one.
By the way I'm up in the night now worrying because dm was found on the floor again by the carer at teatime. We went down and got her up and settled her as there was no apparent damage, but after the 'evening' carer, who came at 6.30 (!), she'd be alone again untik about 7.30 this morning. We are due to leave for a uni open day first thing today but I fear we may be heading back down the motorway before we even get there.

I think when I get to the point I am struggling (presuming I know when that is!!) I will move into a semi-independent housing organisation.

It can feel isolating so you are right, it's comforting to hear everyones' experiences. I'm sure I will learn a lot!
I struggle with my sister too, who until last week had done very little. However, she does live further away than I do. Since she hasn't worked for a year now though, I am being tougher and trying to look after my own mental health (which isn't always great) and not letting her 'volunteer' me.
Do any of you have any tips for dealing with siblings who don't/won't/can't help?
Zaza - that sounds so stressful. It's so hard to balance elderly parents with children and teenagers and work. :( Hope it goes well.

Thanks Eeyore. Well we made it to the open day :-) My db was visiting dm this afternoon so he's in charge until I get back tomorrow. He lives an hour away though.

Hi socialworkmama. Just acknowledging you r post It must be excrutiating at times to make the huge sacrifice of caring for your mother in the face of her negativity, her favouring of your brother and her lack of appreciativeness. i don't know what to advise, I think stoicism is a huge part of caring for the elderly, and a sense of virtue being its own reward. But sometimes too, enough is enough. After feeling utterly overwhelmed by the twin demands of being responsible for my dad (alzheimers) and brother (schizophrenia) I had counselling and slowly learnt to get rid of guilt and the feeling i had to do everything.
Are you in the US?

HI I want to join please.

My dad died age 80 on 28 May after about a year of failing health, in USA.

My mother is a bag of bones from the stress but is generally a capable 77 year old, still drives and coping with all the fallout alone, as I have had to come home after the funeral to my UK job, very busy stressed DH, two girls age 13 and 15 and lots of pets.

We are also buying a spacious house in Finchley north London which is super stressful but going ahead it seems.

This morn I asked DH if he could bear to offer my mum a home if she decides she wants to move back here (she is actually English but in USA 50+ years). He said temporarily, and would she go out and make friends or bring lots of clutter. I pointed out no, she's not like HIS mum, who never leaves her house, has no friends or outside interests, wouldn't DREAM of catching a bus ever, and she can't drive anymore. And my mum is now occupied throwing out my dads hoards of clutter as fast as humanly possible (a long standing bone of contention between my parents). Yes she might get her own place but once her health eventually goes south, then I will end up having to care for her. I am an only child.

She has plenty of money, she is worth about $1.5 mill, but needs to hang on to most of it to have the investment interest to live on. Also I'm not sure if the US will allow ordinary folks who know nothing about any of it, to move that much money out.

Anyway, I guess our marital relationship isn't that great that it could take a MIL in the house for any length of time. The girls think they would like to have a relative nearby (which we otherwise don't) and love or at least like her. But he thinks they will just disappear in a few years to live their own lives and will be no help. I don't think she will be able to afford to live in London, but maybe I am wrong? Or are there sheltered places that will take someone through the final years of their life, without having to move?

Well that's my story, I look forward to advice, other's experiences and catching up with this thread.

A sheltered flat near you sounds like the best option to me. It could well take her through to the end of her life unless she ends up needing a lot of care. There is usually a warden for any emergencies and a care-line for when he/she's not there. They also often have some optional communal activities too, like quizzes or music or just chatting over a cup of tea so if your dm is sociable it could give her a good start at rebuilding a social life here.

ZaZa She is sociable, and active and in quite good health-after what we've just been through with my dad's final months (similar story to many here, I want to settle her somewhere she will be happy. Where she lives, if you can't drive, you are housebound. There is a lot of snow and ice for months and extreme heat in summer. I have failed to get her to try the door-to-door bus service for elderly which she qualifies for at a very low cost, nor will she phone a taxi. Nobody she knows ever uses things like that. She can't see to drive safely at night but is doing it anyway. The house is way too much for her and she doesn't like it (dad chose it a few years ago and bought it without listening to her). She will miss the beautiful wildlife, birds and garden though!

She has a couple of friends but they are all old too, moving away to be with their families etc, and her sister in law, who is also getting frail, they spend xmas etc together without fail, but their sons and DIL are very right wing and politically incompatible with my English mother and it gets on her nerves. I'd love to have her for Xmas etc which we can never do, tranatlantic flights are too gruelling for her to do much anymore (once would be ok to get here!).

She doesn't want to be pushed around right now so I'm not even asking if when she will sell up, but my dd15 said we should let her know she is welcome. But consulting with DH didn't give me any sort of feeling that she would ACTUALLY be welcome! I guess no man especially wants his MIL moving in.

is there a "rightmove" type thing for finding sheltered accommodation? Don't know where to begin!

Au79 the dollar is strong against the pound at the mo! There must be flats, maybe a bit more along the northern line, that she could afford.
I guess DH is apprehensive but if you reassure him the impact on him / family life will be mitigated by the fact she's not living with you, but is in easy reach for you to provide support he might feel better about it. And just because the grandchildren are growing up doesn' t mean they'll stop caring.
I was responsible for my grandfather who lived in France, and the frequent trips abroad to sort out crises were gruelling.

They're all on Rightmove Au. Here's an example. The ones in Finchley seem exhorbitant but there are others like this one nearby.

Meant to say, use the filter and click on Retirement Properties.

I have something to celebrate! I went away for a whole 7 days for work and nothing went wrong. At all! And the only thing dad had been waiting doe me to come back and buy for him he hadn't even run out of

This week their carer is going to have a sort out of their clothes and remove the scuzzy ones. And make a drawer marked 'night time' to try and stop the pyjama wearing which mum has been trying a lot apparently - dad is telling her 'cmot doesn't want you wearing those'

Result CMOT! I hope your week of working away was as good as a holiday for you - change as good as a rest and all that.

Not really - 14 hour flight each way in economy, followed by 14 hour work days. To add to that, we were in SF during Pride weekend, so there was all this fabulousness outside while I went to the conference.
Travelling for work always sounds good, but it stinks in reality. DH is now in London till Thursday night, so we'll have been together 2 nights in 14!

That does gruelling. I did my work travelling in the 90s when money was still flowing fairly freely - I never had it so good as when I was away on business. I'm sure purse strings will have been tightened there by now.
Anyway, glad your parents managed ok. My dm is ticking along ok with the carers coming in and out. I don't know how I managed without them now.

sound gruelling.

Result CMOT! Sounds like your parents are turning to the carers more. Good. Now when are you having a proper holiday?
Things fairly calm here too on the elderlies front- Dfil spent half an hour telling the senior nurse about his time playing football for Liverpool- she was completely taken in and they ha a lovely chat😄.

Holiday is the second week of August - camping in Wales in a very relaxing place. Can't wait! Then I'll have some time off at the end of August to potter round with ds.

Zaza, really pleased that its working out with the carers. Work is funny as I'm not in a massively senior role so when I'm away I'm working not on a jolly, and I don't get taken out by clients etc, nor can we do more than a 'reasonable' dinner for regulatory reasons. 2000-2006 I was doing on site trainings and spent a huge amount of time away on my own - one year 279 nights!

Sandwich - if it makes him happy to pretend he played for Liverpool, then why not!

Camping sounds fun( although I am afraid I my camping days are long gone😄)
Dfil has a gift for talking still!! As you say.... Why not??

CMOT, result! And hopefully will enable you to relax on your hols.

Zaza, glad they are turning to the carers.

Sandwich, at least he got the right team!

My BFF travels a lot for work so I know it is not all glam, and very tiring.

My DM is continuing to moan incessantly at me when I phone. However, she is not moaning to her bro and SIL and is quite cheery apparently. I am really pleased as it means that things are not actually as bad as she makes out, but I just wish she would stop moaning!

Fantastic CMOT. A well deserved break (from caring duties and troubleshooting anyway). Let's hope it augurs well for your summer hols.
BTM- my allotment neighbour said his mum did exactly the same- quite chipper on the phone to him, then immediately into woe is me mode when her daughter came anywhere near. The gendered attitude and emotional dumping on daughters can be quite hard to take. Before he got dementia Dad saved all his moaning for me (as he was a widower). You are quite right to keep it in perspective and not let it panic you.

Thanks bob! I wonder if I won't be able to stop myself from ought to tell her to stop moaning, but I'm not sure it would make a difference!

DM is the same with me- all her cleaners/ carers etc think she is lovely and a great listener- except to me- . On the phone- do you enjoy crosswords or sudoku? My friend 's record was two for one phone call..... I have told DM to stop morning but only face to face. As dh's elderly golf mates say- at least you're looking at the grass from the right direction😄. It does grind you down though.