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Original poster

Help - Need to send daughter to boarding school

228 replies

KatieScarlett2833 · 20/03/2010 15:10

I'm looking for any advice you wise lot may have about sending my daughter to boarding school. Fees are not an issue. It has become very clear that the state system is not working for her or us as a family and we need to move her as soon as possible.

I've trawled through the various websites and have noted the various open days, etc. As she is 14 and currently out of school is it possible for her to enter before the next full admissions year or not? Incidentally we also have a son who is doing very well at the local state school in Scotland and have no intention of moving him so it's not a question of her current school/s being not good enough, just not working for her.

Any help would be greatly appreciated.

OP posts:
Original poster
KatieScarlett2833 · 20/03/2010 15:53

Madame, she knows what he has done but is so manipulated by him that she believes that he was wrongly convicted. She has been told by police, SS and everyone else that he is no good and why but is refusing to listen or stop seeing him. At present it was easy for her to walk out of her school/s as they are local to where he hangs out all day and arrange to meet him via her friends who pass messages between them to arrange meet-ups as obviously she has no phone, pc, etc.

I have pleaded with the man to leave her alone, he very convincingly says he will and he understands, etc but has no intention of doing so, as yesterday proved.

OP posts:
sdr · 20/03/2010 15:54

Just suggesting for perhaps a month while you get her settled as a day pupil then move her to being a boarder. Just looking from my own family experience (I was quite a bit older than my DB so quite involved with it all) the worst part was he saw the family as walking away from him. You sound very caring and my heart goes out to you all. You have your plate full with looking after parents as well (could you get some temporary help here?).

Original poster
KatieScarlett2833 · 20/03/2010 15:55

He is constantly on bail, etc. but both insist that nothing sexual is going on betwen them so the police just find her and bring her home.

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ImSoNotTelling · 20/03/2010 15:55

Yes surely better to get something done about the man, than to send the daughter away.

Unfortunately I rememebr being a hormonal teenage girl and how easy it is to get wrapped up in losers.. You just can't see it, how stupid it is what you are doing.

Original poster
KatieScarlett2833 · 20/03/2010 15:58

SDR, my in laws help all they can but they both have lives and can't do more than they can at present.I have no siblings and as parents are both blind the support is mostly shopping, dealing with officialdom, vets appointments and reading/ responding to letters. DH and I do this.

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BicycleBelle · 20/03/2010 15:59

Can I just second what several people have said that boarding school will not be able to hold her. I was sent to boarding for different reasons but with the same philosophy and actually found it easier to get out from school, although I put myself in more danger doing so, climbing out of very high windows. The supervision is less at school since you are one of many rather than one of two. I also bitterly resented being sent away and therefore wanted to punish both school and parents by behaving as badly as I could. You do not get the love and care that you need at boarding school, and therefore your self esteem because very low, and the whole thing spirals. Is there a friend or relative in another part of the country that she could go and live with for a while?

Don't understand why this man is not being arrested!

Original poster
KatieScarlett2833 · 20/03/2010 16:00

InSo,

We have tried. We have given statements to police over and over but because they insist they are just friends police csn't do squat and they both know it.

OP posts:
belgo · 20/03/2010 16:01

Have you seen a lawyer?

poshtottie · 20/03/2010 16:03

Have you talked to her about going away to school? Maybe you could tell her what a fantastic opportunity it would be and try to get her to want to go rarther than by force which I don't think will work.

I have a family member who has gone through something similiar and it has been awful. Unfortunately her dd is now 15 and pregnant.

ImSoNotTelling · 20/03/2010 16:04

Surely you can get some kind of restraining order or something?

I agree with others that people at boarding school often have even more scope to get up to no good than those who are in teh mainstream system. No-one keeps an eye on you quite like your parents IYSWIM

Adair · 20/03/2010 16:04

Oh gosh, poor you and her. I'd definitely reiterate what others have said - the problem is HIM not her. HE needs to be punished, not her. Sounds hideous, you have my sympathies. What do SS have to say? A 14yo only has limited responsibility, surely.

Restraining Order?

FabIsFallingApart · 20/03/2010 16:05

You need to find a way of keeping this man away from your daughter - not how to send her away.

It will really annoy you but welcome him into your home, be over the top, she can see him in your house so no need to skive off school. If mum and dad don't mind him, maybe the attraction will wear off..

The more everyone tells her to stay away from him, the more she will want to see him and she has to see for herself his bad side.

You have to do whatever it takes to keep your child safe from this man.

Original poster
KatieScarlett2833 · 20/03/2010 16:06

Bicycle, all relatives live very close by. We are literally 5 mins walk away from each other. I have no siblings.

It's not so much that I expect a boarding school to hold her, I just would like to give her the chance to make new friends outwith her current friendship group. She is the kind of girl who gets on well with others and I have no doubt that she would be distracted by new experiences in a different environment. She is gutted that her new school wont take her back as she had met a few girls on her first day that took her to lunch and they got on like a house on fire. She was desperate to go to the new school as 3 weeks at home with me prior to admission was boring her stiff. She did not expect to be thrown out by absconding.

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Original poster
KatieScarlett2833 · 20/03/2010 16:08

Fab, I can't. SS won't allow it.

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ItsAllGoingToBeFine · 20/03/2010 16:09

It would seem from other posters that there is not a lot you can do to stop her seeing this man.

Please don't flame me but how about you just let her see him. It seems to me that you are going to damage your relationship with your daughter if you send her away/get her put into secure/ keep fighting with her. And if you have no relationship with your daughter she will feel she has nothing to lose.

You could say that she is allowed to see him outside of school hours. This would hopefully mean she gets an education and thinks you are being reasonable. You should be able to get her put on an attendance card at school so you can see when he is there. If she is in school hopefully she will also have other positive influences which may help her re-evaluate her relationship with him.

You could negotiate some sort of curfew with her e.g. home by 10 on a school night.

Hell, why not invite him for dinner, at least then she would be seeing him under your supervision.

ImSoNotTelling · 20/03/2010 16:10

Can you talk to the new school and explain, see if they will agree to have her back if she promises them and you that she will not abscond.

Is that possible?

If she really likes this new school and they are up for it (maybe they won't be i don't know) that might tip the balance for her.

Does this bloke/his mates have access to cars?

Original poster
KatieScarlett2833 · 20/03/2010 16:11

SS have said that since we can't keep her safe from this man, if she persists (which she has)she will have to go into a secure unit. I believe police are doing what they can.

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Ivykaty44 · 20/03/2010 16:12

If you really thinkit would work - sending her a few miles soemwhere so she can't get back to you - where were you thikng of send your dd to boarding school?

I had plenty of friends who went to boarding school and loved it - some could hae been day girls but wanted to live at school so they did as money wasn't an issue for these friends. At 14 though she can still get up to a lot of mischeif at boarding school and there are drug dealers all arounf and inthe least likely places - is she taking drugs?

poshtottie · 20/03/2010 16:13

Katie, how old is this guy?

Original poster
KatieScarlett2833 · 20/03/2010 16:15

Bloke can't drive, work or do anything except deal drugs and solicit under age girls. New school told us in no uncertain terms that they will not have her back asshe was on a 6 week trial with them which lasted 2 days before she broke the rules.

Her female friends are complicit in helping her maintain this relationship despite me begging their parents to ask their daughters not to lether borrow their phone, etc.

Once again, SS have said no way can we "encourage" this relationship.

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BicycleBelle · 20/03/2010 16:16

Nothing further to add apart from huge sympathy, respect for the efforts you are making, and hopefully reassurance that your DD will deep down know that you are trying to help her and she will grow through this. One day it will be behind you! Loads of sympathy meanwhile.

BitOfFun · 20/03/2010 16:18

I see that ISNT has suggested a restraining order- that was my immediate thought too. Have you looked into it?

I think that boarding school sounds like a good idea actually- as you say, the distraction may be enough to occupy her long enough for him to lose interest and move onto his next 'victim'. He sounds vile, btw- I'm very sorry you are going through this.

EVye · 20/03/2010 16:18

This must be awful

Can you get legal advice? Restraining order?

Heathcliffscathy · 20/03/2010 16:18

may i ask how old the man is.

when i was 14, if i decided that i was 'in love' with someone over 18 there is absolutely nothing my parents could have done to stop me seeing him. the very best they could do would be to really talk to me about pregnancy, sti's, emotional manipulation etc.

has he isolated her? is she cut off from her friends? does she seem happy?

in short, what exactly is the problem here apart from your underage daughter having sex with an overage man? (not rhetorical, really asking in order to understand this better)

ImSoNotTelling · 20/03/2010 16:19

Right.

I went to a private day school which was in the middle of nowhere. No-one truanated as there was nowhere to go. Miles to the nearest bus stop.

You say money is no object, he doesn't drive, can you see if there are any schools like that in the area?