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Original poster

Help me get over my irrational fear of sending my children to the local state schools.

347 replies

thedolly · 26/08/2009 11:25

ATM we live in a semi rural area and the DCs are at a Prep School. We are very happy with the school but the money to pay for it will run out eventually and I will end up working to pay for school fees.

Should we just stay put (in our very nice house) and brave the local state schools or move to a place where house prices are very expensive but the schools have a good reputation?

I have also posted this in AIBU as I feel I need a good kick up the backside.

Has anyone gone from private to state? I suspect it is a bigger adjustment for the parents than the children.

OP posts:
BonsoirAnna · 28/08/2009 09:32

That's a cliché I haven't encountered here either. All the PA activities happen either at 9am (before work) or at 7pm (after work) - there is virtually no take up for activities scheduled within working hours.

myredcardigan · 28/08/2009 09:49

I went back to work p/t last year. DH works from home when I'm at work. This is a real luxury. I don't need to work financially so the luxury is being able to work without worrying about the kids. We can only do this though because DH is in a senior position in a very well paid professional career.

DH is from quite an affluent family and his mother didn't work. Although I wanted to return to work I think it's quite interesting to note that he was also keen for me to do so. He has admitted that although he adores his mother and that her being at home made his childhood carefree, he has never respected her in the same way he does his father. He doesn't really see them as equals and he doesn't want our DCs to see me the same way.

Of course this is just another experience and I'm in no way suggesting that all children of SAHMs will lose respect for them.

Maria33 · 28/08/2009 09:59

I've trawled through read most of this thread and just want to reply directly to the OP
Please, please, please keep your children in their expensive prep school. Do not send them to their local state primary. If you are really this scared about state education, you'll just spend 3 years moaning in the playground, putting the willies up other parents who share your prejudice but can't do anything about it (even if the education all your kids are receiving is perfectly adequate) and moaning endlessly to the teachers about how "sweet little James who wouldn't hurt a fly is learning a new swear word every day" (he only used to say not-really-naughty words like chav and pikey...) or about how the yoga provision really just isn't good enough.... You'll see what you want to see, confirm all your prejudices and then turn into one of those incredibly self-righteous people who can preface every bigotted, idiotic, sweeping anti-state school stance with "Well, we did have our childeren in the local school, but...."

I've met loads of parents like this. The best thing about prep schools is it keeps them safely away from the rest of us...

myredcardigan · 28/08/2009 10:02

And of course, Maria, you hold no prejudices at all, clearly!

mrsruffallo · 28/08/2009 10:03

Lol Maria

Maria33 · 28/08/2009 10:19

Prejudiced? Moi?

Now, if only I could figure out why my kids are so incredibly high-achieving and self-confident and musically gifted and such sporting giants despite my best attempts to 'loose them' and 'slip them through the cracks' in The State System.

Help, I've won the lottery, I'm worried I might have to send dc's to Eton... Help me overcome my fear....

violethill · 28/08/2009 10:31

ROFL Maria

myredcardigan · 28/08/2009 10:33

Yoga FFS!

Nobody on this thread has said that kids don't achieve in the state system. Nobody believes the state system is a big black hole of under achieving yobs. I teach in the state sector and the kids I teach achieve very well, thank you.

And Eton FFS! Eton is so far removed from 95% of independent schools.

Yes, some fee paying parents think the state system is akin to death. Though that is no different from state using parents thinking fee paying parents are all irrational snobs who cannot bear the thought of their children mixing with the masses. Both is unfounded prejudice.

TheBolter · 28/08/2009 10:38

Maria33

violethill · 28/08/2009 10:45
OrmIrian · 28/08/2009 10:47

Ooh no violet. An entirely rational one

LynetteScavo · 28/08/2009 11:04

So do these children look anymore wholsome? Thier parents are paying good money for them to look this happy!

Original poster
thedolly · 28/08/2009 11:13

Maria33 - the view that you have of me is not the type of person I am.

The decision I make (and I am 90% sure it will be to go 'state') will be what I deem to be the 'best' decision for my family and I will embrace the children's new school lives wholeheartedly - at least I will try too .

As there is now no urgency fro me to return to work from a financial pov I have found the SAHM/WOHM discussion a helpful one - thanks for that BonsoirAnna and others.

violethill - you have obviously thought long and hard about the decisions that you have made for your family

It may be that you would turn into a helicopter parent if you had to be at home all day but I most certainly am not - benign neglect I can do .

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fabhead · 28/08/2009 11:43

One of our local state schools has a yoga club, none of the private ones do. All schools are different - despite what they tell you. I have looked at around 20 schools (as in multiple visits, open days, talking to staff, parents, ofsted reports etc) in both sectors and was amazed at how different they are.

I saw state schools that were amazing, 2 of them, where I would have been delighted for my dc to attend (sadly could not get in to them of course), but I also saw, in the same town, a state school that was the most depressed and depressing place I had ever been and I would have literally sold every possession I earned and worked in McDonalds if I's had to to ensure my dc did not go there and have the spark of life drained out of them. Similarly, I saw 2 private schools which seemed to have a good balance and good values, but one where the head was the biggest snob I have ever met and I wouldn't have sent my dc there if they had paid me to instead, for fear of them turnng out to be anything like her!

This is all within a 15 mile radius.

You have to find the one that is right for your children at the time, or most right - sadly there are compromises to be made on both sides due to over subscription, cost etc.

piscesmoon · 28/08/2009 13:20

A very sane post fabhead-it sums it all up.

Maria33 · 28/08/2009 15:18

Uuuh, thedolly and mrc, I was using hyperbole - not that I need to - between thedolly's "irrational fear" of state education and mrc sending her dc's privately cos of better access to victorian artefacts I feel that the private school parents are being hoisted by their own precious petards....

Maria33 · 28/08/2009 15:31

Just like to add that I have experienced private sector both as a child and as a parent and I am firmly of the opinion the state education is brilliant.

The reason people get so upset about private schools is that despite being attended by only 7% of the population, private school grads make up 80% of "the professions". This is obviously a disgrace and reflects deeply ingrained snobberies and prejudices that continue to hamper social mobility. The state/ private divide perpetuates this injustice through generations. How can anyone not be angry about this?

Original poster
thedolly · 28/08/2009 15:46

Maria - you may well have been using hyperbole but I have had two posters on the other thread tell me that they wouldn't want my kind (I am paraphrasing) frequenting their school in SW.

It is not necessary to exaggerate the issues surrounding the very real quandaries that some of us find ourselves - it's tantamount to mocking.

I think everyone is angry about the injustice .

OP posts:
Maria33 · 28/08/2009 16:01

Mmm, not angry enough to not buy into it..

Surely you invited mockery by posting 'irrational fear of state schools". I'm assuming you too were indulging in hyperbole - or are you seeing a therapist about this phobia?

Look, I got myself into a real pickle with my kids about this and actually it was all my stuff, not theirs and the endless fear, fear, fear in the general environment about state schools did not help. My quandries were not real. My kids live in an extremely privileged country in a really privileged point in history. I've stopped worrying, we're all happier. Now I'm working in schools where I'm paid to "worry" about children... it's a better deployment of resources. Our family is happier for it.

Good luck with your decisions!

Original poster
thedolly · 28/08/2009 16:05

Maybe I should see a therapist .

How did you manage to stop worrying Maria?

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Original poster
thedolly · 28/08/2009 16:07

I want all children to have the rich educational experience that mine have had to date but what can I do to facilitate that?

OP posts:
Maria33 · 28/08/2009 16:27

I accepted that ultimately I didn't have a lot of control over my dc's experience of school. They might love it or hate it, wherever they were. So, I made the choice that suited ME and dp best (nice local state) and figured that if I was happy then I was best placed to support them whatever their experience.

We just do the normal stuff -

Some extra curricular stuff to suppport their interests (music and sport), we have a fantastic circle of friends with whom we camp, holiday, have adventures, picnic etc in the wilds but most of all we try to enjoy them and to stop worying!

I also volunteer with a local youth group (Woodcraft Folk) and with other parents we organise all sorts of exciting things for our kids and other kids. This is very rewarding and has been brilliant for dc's. It also means that we all pool our skills and so the dc's get access to a much wider set of talents than me and dp alone can offer.

Wow, I started in this thread as Dorothy Parker and I'm ending as Pollyanna...

floaty · 28/08/2009 16:48

Lynettescavo,do yoiu know this school,we went to look for ds2,if you do I might want to CAT you if you don't mind that is?

Litchick · 28/08/2009 16:51

just to provide another anecdote about stopping worrying, I should tell you that when I first enrolled DC into independent school I had lots of misgivings.
I worried that everyone would be superposh and snotty.
That we and DCs wouldn't fit in.
I worried people would be hideously right wing.
I worried that DCs would never meet anyone 'ordinary'.
I worried they wouldn't be 'streetwise'.
I worried that everything would be too old fashioned and restricted.

But like Maria I just made the decision to stop worrying.
Fortunately none of my fears became reality and my children could not be happier.
I am thrilled with the choice we made...it is just a bugger that that it's not an option open to everyone.

Original poster
thedolly · 28/08/2009 16:57

Thanks for that Maria - over the last few days I have felt as if a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

I don't have to go back to work if I feel that the DC still need me to be around as much as I have been.

Ultimately I think that you and others are right when you say that you can't control your DC's experience of school.

My DC are not remotely phased that they will most possibly be going to the local state school in January .

OP posts: