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Original poster

Help me get over my irrational fear of sending my children to the local state schools.

347 replies

thedolly · 26/08/2009 11:25

ATM we live in a semi rural area and the DCs are at a Prep School. We are very happy with the school but the money to pay for it will run out eventually and I will end up working to pay for school fees.

Should we just stay put (in our very nice house) and brave the local state schools or move to a place where house prices are very expensive but the schools have a good reputation?

I have also posted this in AIBU as I feel I need a good kick up the backside.

Has anyone gone from private to state? I suspect it is a bigger adjustment for the parents than the children.

OP posts:
TheBolter · 27/08/2009 18:41

Excuse all the capitals in that

justabout · 27/08/2009 18:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

GreensleevesFlouncedLikeAKnob · 27/08/2009 18:43

private schools lead the field in pastoral care and positive discipline

myredcardigan · 27/08/2009 18:51

Personally, I actually think there was more pressure on the bright kids at state school to follow particular career choices and choose certain uni courses.

I was pushed quite strongly towards doing law which I really didn't want to do. The bright kids doing art subjects were pushed that way and those doing science subjects were pushed towards medicine or science. If you were doing maths you were advised to become either an accountant or an actuary.

Even when choosing A-levels it was very much, 'oh you must do these very academic ones to lead to this course at this RG university.' I would have liked to have chosen Art with my English and history but this would have been frowned upon.

At independent schools (certainly at the DCs) there is much more emphasis on education for educations sake. Kids are encourages to study what they enjoy. Far less emphasis on career and making the most money. all are encouraged to take a year out. This year one very bright but practically talented 6th former is going on to do textiles at St Martins. Such a notion would horrify many state school careers advisors.

myredcardigan · 27/08/2009 18:54

No not all stable but it's a more grounded existence than boarding. IMO, the detachment created by boarding isn't good.

But most kids go home to stable home life however they are educated, surely?

TheBolter · 27/08/2009 18:54

Myred, can I just say I know of two state ed students who did textiles, one at St Martins!

How old are your dcs?

GreensleevesFlouncedLikeAKnob · 27/08/2009 18:54

I found quite the reverse to be true at my private boarding school

"education for education's sake" couldn't have been farther off the agenda

they were furiously funnelling children into any subject in which there was the ghost of a chance of success

in fact the only reason they didn't expel me before A-Levels was because I was the only child in that year who had a chance of an Oxbridge place (cue photoshoots, and pics in the local papers etc - all v good for business)

my siblings at a decent inner-city state school by contrast had access to a proper impartial careers service, visits to universities both in and out of the RG and generally more reaslistic and more wide-ranging advice and support

IOnlyReadtheDailyMailinCafes · 27/08/2009 18:55

It may terrify some state school career advisors but not all, certainly not where I work. My brightest student in my philosophy class intends to do exactly the same and we have supported and encouraged her. We certainly make students aware of the consequences of their decisions but they make their own choices.

at the stable home comment.

IOnlyReadtheDailyMailinCafes · 27/08/2009 18:58

Although to support myred's case I had a conversation with a senior teacher at the public boarding school that dd was supposed to be going to as a day pupil. He proudly told me that they did not really have a clue how the pupils were doing academically until they got their results in. But they all had a jolly good time and it all worked out in the end so it didn't matter.

If I ever said that to a parent I would be in the head's office first thing in the morning to explain myself.

myredcardigan · 27/08/2009 18:59

My kids are 5, 3 and 1. DS going into Y1, DD in nursery at the school.

I'm not saying state school kids don't go to St Martins, I'm saying many state schools would try to push and 4 A-level taking bright kids into something else.

Greensleeves, I do think boarding schools have a separate agenda.

I think it just shows why you have to choose the school not the sector.

IOnlyReadtheDailyMailinCafes · 27/08/2009 18:59

I think you are making assumptions about boarding as well which is something we are considering for dd. She would only board during the week, when older obviously. Of course sometimes it can cause detachment but I suspect that is because the detachment is already there.

myredcardigan · 27/08/2009 19:04

Yes, you're right, I am. I think for many happy, confident supported kids it can be a wonderful experience.

I do believe, however, that for kids who may be prone to nerves or lack confidence or are perhaps a little different or quirky, it can be catastrophic. Whereas that same child, if coming home each night can have a far happier existence.

MABS · 27/08/2009 19:24

but at least the drugs are qualiTy ones at my kids' school. They are day children, but it is an expensive boarding school with quality drugs i am sure ;-)

piscesmoon · 27/08/2009 19:38

My DS's girlfriend says 'the posher the school -the harder the drugs'- I don't doubt that she has a point.

myredcardigan · 27/08/2009 19:44

MABS, the least happy of all my friends' kids were the ones who attended Wellington as day puplils. They were made to feel like second class both by the boarders and sometimes the staff. They ended up boarding for 6th form even though they lived about a mile away from school.

noddyholder · 27/08/2009 19:47

Mabs.Most of my friends kids are at private schools they all know I am a champagne socialist!Mabs i would hardly say you don't spend time with yours you are always doing things with them.I have no prob with private education just not happy with the slating state schools get on here.Now back to style threads much more fun

clam · 27/08/2009 19:50

My background:
Parents: private boarding school
Siblings and I: state single-sex grammars
Husband: private & state (swears private classes infinitely worse-behaved than state)
Nephews/nieces: private
Own DCs: state, state, state.

GPs offered to fund my DCs through the private system, as they had for nephews/nieces. We said "thanks but no thanks" as we were in the fortunate position of being able to choose outstanding state primaries and now secondaries. My DCs are bright, sparky, polite, articulate, interested kids who have a passion for knowledge and learning .

Sorry, but it royally Pisses. Me. Off. to hear this blanket dismissal of state schools as if they're all dens of iniquity. My two are doing just as well as their privately-educated cousins across the board. Better, in the case of one of them, who has been switched off learning completely, possibly due to the ridiculously inappropriate amount of homework she's been given from a very young age.
I teach in a leafy state primary, where the children are lovely. You might even consider having some of them back to tea!

IOnlyReadtheDailyMailinCafes · 27/08/2009 19:51

We used to joke at a school I taught in that we had a posh drugs problem as our kids chased the dragon rather than injected.

I agree that for some children boarding can be a nightmare and I am yet to be convinced. Dd is really keen but she is one of those superconfident golden children so I am willing to keep an open mind.

TheBolter · 27/08/2009 19:57

Clam: My cousin just got five A's at A level... from a state school ! Her dsis got 4As.

myredcardigan · 27/08/2009 20:02

Clam, there really hasn't been much, if any, dismissal of state schools on this thread. Only from the OP and even she said it was irrational.

BonsoirAnna · 27/08/2009 20:05

I am curious about the argument that ex-state school pupils do better career wise than ex-private school pupils (and this particularly applies to women) and I have a strong hypothesis about this.

Does anyone want to hazard a guess?

TheBolter · 27/08/2009 20:11

BA, go on then. Spill.

giantkatestacks · 27/08/2009 20:12

Women from richer backgrounds havent had women workin modelled for them as much and are expected to do some fluffy job - possibly as buyer for Jigsaw or whatever and then get married?

Of course the opposite could be true - in the meeja where I work its full of posh, privately educated young things and thats because they are supported financially by their parents and dont have to rely on a proper living wage in London...

TheBolter · 27/08/2009 20:15

GK... my dsis works in fashion and finds the same thing.

ALL my female friends who went to private school are now SAHMs. Actually, one is planning to return to work, but ultimately plans to jack it all in when she's had dc2. Actually nearly all my ex-private school girlfriends are married to rich men . Perhaps I should have stayed on...

myredcardigan · 27/08/2009 20:16

Anna, firstly, I think privately educated kids are unlikely to have any awareness of what it's like to be poor. Therefore although they have a work ethic it isn't a desperate work ethic. I knew I had to work hard or else I'd never get out. I also think that many privately educated kids take such a good education for granted. They sometimes don't feel lucky to have it in the way they should.

As for privately educated women; I'm unsure. Perhaps they are statistically more likely to marry a high earner. Perhaps their mums were less likely to work. Perhaps they often feel they've spent so much of their life striving and 'being the best' that they want the simpler life that SAHM role offers them.

I don't know. What's your theory?