Help me get over my irrational fear of sending my children to the local state schools.

[thedolly]

ATM we live in a semi rural area and the DCs are at a Prep School. We are very happy with the school but the money to pay for it will run out eventually and I will end up working to pay for school fees.

Should we just stay put (in our very nice house) and brave the local state schools or move to a place where house prices are very expensive but the schools have a good reputation?

I have also posted this in AIBU as I feel I need a good kick up the backside.

Has anyone gone from private to state? I suspect it is a bigger adjustment for the parents than the children.

So do I daftpunk but it isn't comprehensive education that fails kids-the aspirations of the parents fail kids.
I have had this argument before on an education thread. A privately educated poster from a top public school (married to a DH with similar educational background)was saying how it was too much privilege and she was sending to the village school. She had missed the point entirely that many parents haven't got that sort of school to choose from. As only 2.7% of DC are privately educated it is neither here not there-it is the vast majority, like me,who cherry pick their schools,who cause the inequality. I have got the best out of the state system-I wouldn't move to my dream house if it wasn't in the catchment area of a 'good' school.
I make no apologies-I am not sacrificing my DCs to the general good-I have got them the best from the state system. All my friends have done the same.
It isn't easy to raise the standards in the sort of area where people are socially deprived -it can be done. However it needs money, vision, commitment and strong leadership-there is no magic wand.

fatjac...i know...was talking about schools in general..

we sold our soul to Barclays bank to get a mortgage the size of africa...just so we could live in an area with decent schools....but if i had the money i would deffo go private.

I have the money to go private (if we scrimped and saved and did without), but I wouldn't, even if I could do it comfortably. I wouldn't want to teach in the private sector either. I don't want my DCs cut off with only 2.7% of the population and an irrational fear of the over 90% who go to state schools!

I have taught in those schools daftpunk and been called all sorts to my face, been kicked punched. They do not represent the compreesive state sector as a whole though.

i don't know how you do it....you have my respect..

i went to a comprehensive school...all i learnt was how to get through the day with out getting beaten up....the teachers were crap, all we did was bunk off and mess about...no one cared...and that was a catholic girls school.

i don't want that for my dc..

Just because there are a minority of sink schools where violence is commonplace, does not mean that this is the norm in the state system!

The thing that concerns me most on this thread is the way some people make judgements about the state system based on seemingly no experience or very narrow experience!

As I said on the other thread on this subject, I hope people like Dolly who are so fearful of the state sector, don't pass this fear and anxiety onto their own children. Bearing in mind 93%of young people are state educated, there's a damn good chance that their own kids will come into contact with state educated peers at University and the workplace. Let's hope they're not shit scared of them!!

thedolly, your original post made me chuckle: if your brave enough to post this thread, phrased in the way it was, you can definately 'brave' the state system . However, judging by your responses to other posters, I'm guessing you already know what you want to do, even if you don't realise it. It sounds like the local state school isn't an option you're really prepared to consider. Good luck.

I suspect there is nothing anyone can say to help you do that. I can tell you how pleased I am with my local schools and I can tell you my experience of private schooling would make me very unlikely to use it, but i don't suppose it would help.

violethill;

i have quite alot of experience of state schools.

i am finding it hard not to laugh over this....so much support for the the comprehensive system and all it's diversity, yet the thought of a few daily mail readers joing mumsnet and the place goes into meltdown...

I think it would be much better if people said that they went to school in a socially deprived area rather than they went to a comprehensive school-as if all comprehensives are violent places with no respect for each other or teachers!
I went to a secondary modern, it was in an old country house with extensive grounds. We stood up and said 'good morning sir' when the teacher came in. Lots of us went on to the grammar school and further education. It served a rural area, there was very little social deprivation. We had a reputation for being the politest pupils in town, jealously guarded by the Head-who actively promoted it.
However that isn't the picture most people get with the words 'secondary modern'! One area of the town had a secondary modern with the most dire of reputations-and it was dire.This was because it served an area of social deprivation.
You mention grammar school and people immediately assume that it must be good-on the whole they are but this is because it takes a small number of DCs from a socially deprived area and pulls them up. The reason that I will not sacrifice my DCs for the common good is that a few can't pull up the majority-they get pulled down.
Comprehensive school means anything-it covers the whole range-like the word library, all libraries are not good because you know an excellent one or all bad because you know a bad one!

I agree as a teacher who works in a lovely comprehensive set in an old manor house, our intake although rural is quite mixed economically.

I also dont assume grammar means good, I think our school provides a better education that the grammars, as is evidenced by members of staff who send their child to us rather than the grammar. Infact I can think of a few staff who only sent to the grammar as they cant get a place with us.

i was not brought up in a socially deprived area...i was brought up in inner london.

my parents house is worth ££££££££

i've been skiing.

I did go to school in a socially deprived area, with disinterested parents but realised life doesn't hand you opportuinity on a plate , I worked hard and did well as a result. If I had gone to an independent school I may have accepted my Oxford place and would probably have been more thoroughly prepared for my degree. There were only 2 state pupils on our course and we were the only ones who had no Latin, Greek or Hebrew or grounding in Philosophy. But I worked hard and bridged the gap.

London is a bit different from the rest of the country daftpunk-you get such a mix together. In the rest of the country it is more polarised. If you take a place like Sheffield you will find that schools serve a definite area of the town and the £££££££house will not be next door to the sink estate.
My town has a quota of socially deprived housing, but because it is in the minority those DCs are pulled up, if it was in the majority they would pull down.
If a school gets a bad reputation parents who care vote with their feet, if they can manage it, and it gets worse.

I do think I was more held back ny poverty and my homelife than going to a bog standard comp.

One of the best pieces of advice I was given on MN about the issue of schools was: don't look at the principle/ethics of state or private as an all or nothing choice - look at which school in your area is best for your child for the next part of their education that you can either get them into or pay for. It really helped me in the opposite situation - moved to an area with excellent state school but couldn't get our son into them despite being very close so have had to start him off at a pre-prep which was never in our plans but so far, seems to be working out well.

I think you are being perfectly reasonable trying to work out which school is best for you all as a family - you will always get panned on here for daring to ask about state vs private, but really you are a good parent trying to do the best you can for your dc. The reality I think is that if you care enough to be asking these questions your dc will probably be fine whatever school they end up at. good luck.

lljkk I have thought about the possibility of being too stressed to be any good to my family if I go back to work to pay school fees - I would have to work full time to be able to pay them.

If my DC were in the State Sector then I could perhaps work part-time and strike a better balance.

I am still very undecided on the whole issue of where to send the chldren to school so please do tell your stories, they may make a difference .

I am wondering whether or not to just say which area we are in atm and get some more meaningful advice - what do you think?

Obviously if posters knew the schools you were considering and could give some informed opinions, that might help.

exactly. look at the schools, not the sector. There are good and bad in both it seems to me

PM;...yes, appreciate london has a large social mix of people....obv some nice good kids will get thrown in with the wasters..

Ionly...who are you normally....?

have we spoken before.?

You need to look at the schools yourself.

People can tell you their own experiences as much as they like, but all children are unique. What suits one, may not suit another. Even within your own family.

I believe a fundamental part of being a parent (and perhaps one of the hardest things) is being brave enough to acknowledge that each of your children (I believe you have 3, dolly) is an individual, and you need to consider their needs, strengths, weaknesses, as individuals.

I still have this sense that underlying your posts is a lack of confidence - you lack confidence that your children will succeed if you don't pay for their education, you lack confidence that a move to a new area might not be as good (or even better!) than where you live now, you're even lacking confidence that you can have a job yourself without it impacting negatively on your family. Many of us teach full time, it's hard work, but perfectly manageable!

I think you need to have more self belief. And also, remember, it's not all or nothing, life isn't black and white, it's shades of grey. Your children are unlikely to totally screw up if you leave them where they are or move them. With a supportive home environment they are likely to turn out fine!

Personally, I thank god and all the cherubim in heaven that I managed to get DD into an excellent secondary school in Cheltenham prior to moving to Gloucester. The schools in Gloucester are either (a) selective schools which are hugely oversubscribed, so if you child passes the entrance exam they are probably the 45th child on the waiting list for that year group (b) non-selective faith schools - we are not catholic or muslim so we have no chance or (c) sink schools which I wouldn't send my cat to. I think it is an absolute disgrace that any child in Gloucester has to jump through all these hoops in order to have a very small chance of going to a decent school.

So, dd has a looong commute to school in the morning.

I have never thought of myself as a person who lacks confidence but I guess it could have been slowly eroding during my time as a SAHM.

I have never been one for long term planning (as you may have guessed) but I see now that there are times when it is necessary.

When we moved where we live now (5 years ago) I researched things on the school front - we have good state schools, a variety of independents (academic and not so)and a boys and girls grammar in the next county.

There is plenty of choice, it's just what choice to make. Something that I hadn't considered fully is the logistics of having different children in different schools . DH can't help much as he works in SW (45 mins away).

Things are further complicated by the fact that we are in Suffolk and there is a 3 tier system (primary/middle/senior).

Oh, and there are very good 'faith' schools (middle and senior) in one of our nearest towns.

I have been on the phone to the LEA this morning

Thanks once again for all your help.