My mum will pay for private school but only for DS

[ThisTropical]

My mum has offered to pay for private school for my eldest DS but only him and I’m really not sure what to do. He’s 10 and has been getting more and more fed up with his school. He’s not bullied or anything like that, he just seems to have completely switched off and is quite far ahead in some things.

My mum has found a small independent school near us and said she will pay his fees from next year. It’s about £9k a year which we absolutely couldn’t afford ourselves. She has said she doesn’t want anything back and is basically offering to pay because she thinks he needs a different school. I was obviously really grateful and initially said yes.

The problem is I have DD who is 7 and DS2 who is 4. They would both stay at their schools. DD asked me yesterday why grandma is paying for DS to go to a posh school but not her. I didn’t really know what to say. My mum said DD doesn’t need it and that she’s not prepared to pay private school fees for all three children just to make things equal.

DH thinks we should say no altogether. He says he doesn’t want the children growing up knowing one of them got something worth thousands every year because grandma decided he was the special one. I can see his point but at the same time DS genuinely isn’t happy where he is and this would be a massive opportunity for him.

The slightly awkward thing is DD is actually much closer to my mum than DS is. DD is always asking to go to grandma’s and probably sees her more than either of the boys. So I don’t think this is my mum favouring DS emotionally. She just thinks DS needs the school and the others don’t. DS is also absolutely thrilled about it and keeps asking when he can start.

I honestly don’t know if I’m being stupid here. If someone offered to pay for something one of your children genuinely needed but wouldn’t pay for the others, would you take it? I feel ridiculous turning down £9k a year when we can’t provide it ourselves but I also don’t want DD sitting there thinking grandma chose her brother over her.

If you are in the UK and your eldest son has just one more year of primary school it might be better to wait and see how he gets on at secondary school where there will be more chance of being academically challenged.

Look into supplementing his current studies with clubs - STEM / robotics etc - does he have a sport? Perhaps start something that has a strong mental element like fencing or martial arts or orienteering.

Stop discussing these choices in front of the kids until you have a clear plan.

So why isn't his teacher providing him with more challenge? Surely that is their job?

I'd say no to your Mum's offer. It's not fair on your other DC. If your Mum wants to pay for a tutor or some extra curricular clubs, that would be different.

DH is right.
Its a hard no.

Why are you even putting ideas like "posh" in a 7-year old's mind and creating unnecessary division in your home? Children don't even know they are poor, if they are loved, until they meet other kids later in life who are evidently better off. It is unfair your DS cannot have his opportunity because everyone is afraid of how bitter other kids will be later on. What about families raising kids to be happy for each other, knowing each finger on the same hand have different lengths?

But in this case, it isn’t because the other children don’t suit the school. They don’t know what will suit the 4yo at 11, and probably not the 7yo either. It would be different schools because there is only money for one child. OP can tell herself and the children a story about different schools for different needs - a lot of parents do that when they privilege one child over another - but children aren’t idiots and they will know that it’s because only one child was funded.

Why did you tell your youngest that your mum is paying for the school? It cant be that posh at 9k a year...

I would weigh it against how much better it would be for your DS. If it really would help him, then I would accept, and perhaps try to save up for DD to go there, too - maybe you would get a discount with siblings? If you are so honest with her and tell her everything then explain the situation so she understands.

Some kids are not well suited for comprehensive schools with tough discipline, large classes and slow learning.

Also agree with others - there is no point moving him just for the last year of primary school. I would start at local secondary, see how he gets on, and then decide.

If you cant afford it for all three then it doesnt happen.

Simple!

Because he is a bit fed up and disinterested no, I wouldn’t agree to your mum funding it. What if the same happens to the other DC. I’d say thanks for your kind offer but can’t just accept it for one child when you have 3 and you can’t afford to fund 2 so none go.

OP doesn't seem to return to reflect over answers does she?

Because we didnt back her up.

And it is 100% her job to provide that challenge. And I say that as a teacher. What an admission that they know they are not neeting his needs. Totally unacceptable.

Fwiw I'd accept the move. He'll become less engaged as puberty hits and you don't want to get to adulthood and face the accusation "I could have been in a much more suitable school, and I could gave really excelled". Dd sounds well adjusted where she is. Is the state high school they go to from 11 where you live, a decent enough school for dd? That would be my possible reservation, if one is headed for a private grammar style school and the other a feral dump. But if its good it sounds like she'll thrive there.

So why can’t his current school challenge him ? If he’s finding it all easy he may pass the 11plus or if not an area this is still an option , a scholarship to an independent school? If he’s 10 he will be moving school at 11 anyway ?

My children all go different schools to each other, one to a state secondary that specialises in sports and science, one goes to a grammar school and one goes to our catchment school as wanted to stay with friends.
The one that goes to grammar school gets more family funds as they have to travel an hour by bus, more things that parents have to pay for, more trips etc
The brother closest in age to him (14 months apart) thinks he’s nuts for wanting the level of pressure/workload and longer days and has chosen to coast through life, doing the exact amount of work that has been specified no more/less.
There is no resentment because they are very different people so your situation could work especially if you do want him to go to a different school and you stop discussing finances in front of your children.
Year 6 is usually the age most boys switch off to be fair especially if they are capable and bright, I don’t think any of ours particularly did much in the last years of primary and certainly weren’t enthusiastic. They become big fish in little ponds and need a change, so moving to secondary may solve some of the problems anyway.
Now that your Son is aware of the offer you are storing up future resentment from him if he doesn’t go and wants to.
Personally I would hold off and see what the move to secondary does for him before moving to the independent sector.

9k a year is really very cheap. Are u sure it is not 9k per term?
I wouldn't send one child out three to private school in this scenario. (But, say if it was a case,of one child passing competitive exams and others not i would totally do.)
Maybe grandma could pay for tutoring, or some type of after school/weekend club that goes beyond curriculum if your boy is able but bored.

I’d have said yes, explained to the 7 year old if she asked, that brother will be attending a different school. I wouldn’t have told her who was paying for it, or even that it cost money, and where did she get the word posh? If you don’t send him you will in my opinion be doing him an injustice. Different children have different needs. Sounds like he would benefit greatly from this.

Absolutely not

Won't he be moving to senior school next year?

If you feel the school suggested is a good fit for your son and you think he’d benefit from it, then let it happen. The grandma had said the other 2 dont need it. Yet. If she feels that they need it in the future she may offer to pay for them when the time arises. Why should all 3 suddenly be given that opportunity if it’s not needed. I help all my children out but if one needs more than other, then that’s how it is!

9k basic fees plus extras along the way, Uniforms, sports kits, transport, trips, exam's, Will you be able to pay towards it?
Is there a trust fund to pay the fees if DGM becomes unable to pay fees for 4-5yrs? Maybe this is her way of rescuing your ds, it's not a solution, it's a geographical and he'll carry the weight of whatever his struggles are with him.
Seek the problem.
Wishing for a pleasant out outcome.

The mistake I think you have made here is even allowing your son to know about this potential school move before you’ve even properly decided. I don’t think this is fair upon him at all.

If your 7 year old also completely understands it’s a school move that requires grandma to pay then you’ve been discussing it in very inappropriate times when small ears are listening.

You have given your son information that he now believes he is moving school which is awful for him to then learn he maybe isn’t. You really need to think about what you tell him in future before definite decisions have been made.

For what it’s worth I would say no to o ly one child moving as well as what happens in the future if your other two are the same and would benefit from a move which no one will pay for.

We have boy / girls twins. Both started in state but girl ended up at private due to Sen needs. We could not have afforded two privates but boy did not want to go to private - enjoyed going to school locally with his mates. Later I would threaten him if he didn’t work harder at school I would make him go private.
Both ended up at same uni.
I do not consider the private school better then the state school - in fact I consider the state school son went to better than daughters private school. But it was the best environment for her and I think helped her succeed academically as she was too overwhelmed in larger state school classes.

I would accept to help your DS. Who knows how things will be for younger 2 but right now they are fine, DS isn’t.

Don’t know why there is talk of ‘posh’ school it’s just a school potentially better suited to his needs. Like if one child had SEN and wasn’t able to be in mainstream school?

Ridiculous to expect DM to pay for all 3, but she is actually closest to DD, so it’s obviously not a favouritism thing just practical solution as she sees him struggling.

DM may be able to support the others later or support in a different way from DS.

Your DC are already aware and DS has renewed hope for school it wouldn’t be great to take that away now.

I think if he's actually bright, I'd allow it.

It sounds like he's very bright and the school doesn't know what do with him. I would in the first instance push the school to go into deeper learning with him as that's their job.

At age 10 I assume he's either in y6 or going onto y6 next year. It would be a bog disruption for him to leave his school friends for a single year of school, onto to have to change schools again for year 7.

Would he come back into the state system for secondary? Have you checked the fees for years 7-11? They can be almost double the junior school fees and are a massive commitment for at least 5 years.

Finally, I would be concerned about such low school fees that's you have quoted. Why so low? What are the facilities and teachers like? What are their results? Are they financially robust to withstand ongoing reduction in enrolment as cost of living crisis worsens?