My mum will pay for private school but only for DS

[ThisTropical]

My mum has offered to pay for private school for my eldest DS but only him and I’m really not sure what to do. He’s 10 and has been getting more and more fed up with his school. He’s not bullied or anything like that, he just seems to have completely switched off and is quite far ahead in some things.

My mum has found a small independent school near us and said she will pay his fees from next year. It’s about £9k a year which we absolutely couldn’t afford ourselves. She has said she doesn’t want anything back and is basically offering to pay because she thinks he needs a different school. I was obviously really grateful and initially said yes.

The problem is I have DD who is 7 and DS2 who is 4. They would both stay at their schools. DD asked me yesterday why grandma is paying for DS to go to a posh school but not her. I didn’t really know what to say. My mum said DD doesn’t need it and that she’s not prepared to pay private school fees for all three children just to make things equal.

DH thinks we should say no altogether. He says he doesn’t want the children growing up knowing one of them got something worth thousands every year because grandma decided he was the special one. I can see his point but at the same time DS genuinely isn’t happy where he is and this would be a massive opportunity for him.

The slightly awkward thing is DD is actually much closer to my mum than DS is. DD is always asking to go to grandma’s and probably sees her more than either of the boys. So I don’t think this is my mum favouring DS emotionally. She just thinks DS needs the school and the others don’t. DS is also absolutely thrilled about it and keeps asking when he can start.

I honestly don’t know if I’m being stupid here. If someone offered to pay for something one of your children genuinely needed but wouldn’t pay for the others, would you take it? I feel ridiculous turning down £9k a year when we can’t provide it ourselves but I also don’t want DD sitting there thinking grandma chose her brother over her.

Will she also be paying if it turns out the other children 'need it' when they also reach his age?

I'd say no it's not fair on the other kids if you can't afford to send them too

That's a load of BS 😂 grandma is playing favourites and I wouldn't agree to it the other kids will just end up resenting their brother

He’s 10 and has been getting more and more fed up with his school. He’s not bullied or anything like that, he just seems to have completely switched off and is quite far ahead in some things.

You said in another post the teacher says he needs more challenge. Surely that's what differentiation in the class is for? Normally the brightest would be offered extension activities.
It's not a reason to move him. If he was being bullied or had sen which the school were struggling to deal with etc, or if a smaller school was better for health reasons or something, then yes, those would be reasons to move. What if he moves when there is no real need and one of the others later on would really benefit from a move to an independent school?

My mum has found a small independent school near us and said she will pay his fees from next year

She has massively overstepped here. It's not up to her to "find" an independent school and then say she will pay for it. If she thought moving him was a good idea she could have suggested a move and offered to pay, telling you the budget she could afford. Not tell you which school she will pay for.

It’s about £9k a year which we absolutely couldn’t afford ourselves. She has said she doesn’t want anything back and is basically offering to pay because she thinks he needs a different school. I was obviously really grateful and initially said yes

9K is very cheap for a private school. Sounds a bit dodgy. Small independent schools are closing left, right and centre. He could start and it could close after a couple of years, or even worse, in the middle of GCSEs. Or she might not be able to afford it after all and you have to pull him out.

I think he should stay put. When he goes to secondary you can find a state school which might be a better fit than where he is now.
I would not send him to independent when there is no good reason for it and the others stay in state schools. That is not fair and will cause resentment later.

If your mum can pay £9k for one she can pay £3k for all 3. Thatd pay for a lot of extra curriculars.

If your son isnt naturally loving school not everyone does.

My brother went to a private school, paid for by parents and grandparents. I attended local state school. Do I care? No not in the slightest. He was far more academic that me and it would have been wasted on me.

I haven’t succeeded in life, I have a crap NMW job and can barely survive. He on the other hand earns very well. I don’t suppose that private education would have changed my outcome.

Actually, the stats show that bright kids often don’t benefit much from private school. If they are bright, they will succeed regardless.

i had a friend went to the sinkiest of sink schools in sinky London. When I say “went”, he barely attended. Read all the letts revision guides, got straight a’s and went to medical school.

the kids who are shown to benefit most from private school are the less able- the smaller classes and more intense teaching style helps them learn. So I’d argue that despite what you were told you probably would have been the one to benefit most from private school, not your brother. It likely absolutely have changed your outcome.

my sil’s kids aren’t bright. Despite private school and tutors they cot an average b to d spread. However this then got them into uni and they now have decent jobs. If they hadn’t gone private I doubt they’d have got the grades needed to continue in education.

That’s interesting, I didn’t know that. I guess growing up we where always treated differently. He had the extra holidays, extra time spent helping with learning etc. we have no contact now, not because I haven’t tried he just isn’t interested. It upsets me as we were close growing up. I imagined my life turning out very differently to what it is now!

Not sure what I would do in this specific situation but I have two DC and I am trying to teach them that they are special and individual in their own way and not the other sibling. This means sometimes one gets something the other doesn’t and vice versa. But they are so far happy they are their own person and “special” in their own way and seem to expect to be treated as individuals. There is also so far no concept of needing lots of money (beside what’s needed for our lifestyle). I’m sure we will have more issues to tackle as they become pre teens but thought I’d mention our approach in case it helps. We also considered an independent for our eldest and ultimately didn’t go with it but not because of her sibling.

It would have to be no. You cannot favour one child over the other, and this is exactly what it is and how all the children would feel growing up knowing this.

It sends out a very clear message - This child is worth more than the other two.

Say no! Unless you can afford all three to go then none at all. Whilst it maybe a job opportunity for one it doesn't need to be at the expense of the other two.

What is wrong with different strokes for different folks.

I would sit down with DD and just say sometimes people just struggle in certain areas of life. You have all your friends and are very happy with School. Whereas your brother isn't and we want you all to be happy. So if this makes him more secure, happy etc we are going to change schools for DB and leave it at that. Obviously the older she is the more grown up the conversation.

Keep it plain and simple.

And if she starts struggling when she gets older?

do you sit her down and explain that she has to struggle because the money has been spent on db being secure and happy, and now you can’t afford to make the changes so she can be too?

it’s not different strokes for different folks if you can’t afford to give all your children what they need. It’s all the strokes for the first, and none left for anyone else.

'His teacher thinks he needs more of a challenge'. Well tell her its her job to challenge him then ! Sounds like she is the problem, not your son.

It would be a no in our family. Every child is special in his/her own way, so we've always given equal chances. Some children need private tution on the side, others only blossom during their extra curriculum activities. But they all get the same basic schooling to start out with.

I think I’ll go against the majority. If one of your children needed crutches, would you then expect the other kids to walk with a pair of crutches too? Looking at it from this perspective, your older child may need a different school setting than the others to thrive whilst the other two are already happy where they are. Appreciate the money side of it is tricky but fulfilling the needs is more important than equality.

I’d say no. She’d need to pay every year until he leaves school, and there will be additional costs she may not cover. It’s asking for a big headache

Not really a fair analogy, because if then a second child needed crutches, you would still be able to provide.

if the other two get to 10 and are no longer “happy where they are” and needs a different school setting to thrive, what then?

if you can provide fair treatment for all 3, but the younger two don’t need it, fine. But at this age you can’t guarantee they won’t.

What happens when the next two kids require their needs to be fulfilled in the same way?

You’re comparing beetroot and oranges.
Completely different situation 🙄

It's not unusual for bright kids to switch off when they are not being challenged. They used to have a scheme for gifted and talented kids which meant they were given more challenging work as they were worried about these kids. I assume they no longer do it but surely your son's teacher should be trying to engage and stretch him rather than you considering sending him to private school? It could irreparably damage the relationship between your kids if one goes private and potentially with you if the others feel DS has been favoured.

This makes absolutely no sense at all!

The youngest one is 4, for heaven's sake. He's barely started school. Just because they are happy where they are now, doesn't mean they will be in 6 years time! OP says the oldest has been 'getting' more fed up with school which suggests that when he was his siblings' ages he was happy where he was, too. Chances are that the school are perhaps not very good at stretching more able pupils, so it's more than likely that the exact same thing will happen to his siblings as they get older, too.

"tricky" is a bit of an understatement when you're going to expect OP to magically find an extra £18k a year (and as many posters have pointed out that's with the suspiciously cheap fees the private school is charging now, not to mention 14 years worth of inflation by the time the youngest has finished school) if the others do end up with needs to be fulfilled.

And, again, there's nothing that suggests the eldest actually does have any 'needs'. A vague dislike of school is probably more normal amongst ten year old boys than loving it. Loving every element of school isn't an educational or emotional need.

Are there no other state schools that he could move to given he's in Y6?

I think Y6 is a time when children are growing out of their school and a bit bored by the work. If he starts a different secondary school at 11 instead of keeping him where he is - presumably at a 4-18 school- that could make all the difference. Go and look around a few other schools and engage with him on what he wants.

We could have sent my youngest to a private school as her older sister got into a grammar and she didn't. But it didn't really seem like a good idea to differentiate so much and would have meant adjusting our lifestyle. As it is, she's now thriving at the local comp.

i'm not normally one for pushing back onto the school, but if he needs more of a challenge at school, there are likely some mechanisms for this at his current school.

it sounds very poor for a teacher/setting to just say "oh, well he needs more challenge" and then not offer any solutions!

i also feel like lots of children find primary a bit easy by year 6, and are ready to move up. is it not better to perhaps find him a state secondary that might be more appropriate?

that way you have a situation that you can replicate easily for all your DC, without financial help, or changing your lifestyles drastically

all our DC were ready for secondary before they'd finished year 6. all 3 absolutely flourished in a very good state secondary.

separate to this, is there more he could do at home/outside of school, to challenge himself? clubs, hobbies, other learning etc - an enriching life outside of school takes the pressure off school/home being his only focus

(not suggesting he does nothing at home, but could he do/try more?)

Why would you let the children get wind of this discussion?

I went to private school and my brother didn't, however my brother was offered and turned it down. I will also say that private education is not the be all and end all, I am a singel parent with two children in a 2 hed HA flat so don't count your chickens with it - he is male so he will likely do better but ya know. My brother is in a much better situation!

If he is in year 6, year 7 will soon be here... if he is in year 5 then well just wait so long as he isn't miserable. A private school isn't going to nake things tougher, GCSE'S are GCSE's.

I would absolutely send one to private school and not others but - explain that this is the school that suits your DS and when it comes to senior schools the others can apply for scholarships and be involved with choosing which school they go to. Also if you can afford it, I would offer the other two a special activity that they can do to build up a skill e.g a sport or music which would help with a scholarship application. At the end of the day if your son is unhappy and has a difficult class he is not recieving the same educational experience even if he is in the same school as the others and if you have the opportunity to do something that can help him with his education and wellbeing you should.