My mum will pay for private school but only for DS

[ThisTropical]

My mum has offered to pay for private school for my eldest DS but only him and I’m really not sure what to do. He’s 10 and has been getting more and more fed up with his school. He’s not bullied or anything like that, he just seems to have completely switched off and is quite far ahead in some things.

My mum has found a small independent school near us and said she will pay his fees from next year. It’s about £9k a year which we absolutely couldn’t afford ourselves. She has said she doesn’t want anything back and is basically offering to pay because she thinks he needs a different school. I was obviously really grateful and initially said yes.

The problem is I have DD who is 7 and DS2 who is 4. They would both stay at their schools. DD asked me yesterday why grandma is paying for DS to go to a posh school but not her. I didn’t really know what to say. My mum said DD doesn’t need it and that she’s not prepared to pay private school fees for all three children just to make things equal.

DH thinks we should say no altogether. He says he doesn’t want the children growing up knowing one of them got something worth thousands every year because grandma decided he was the special one. I can see his point but at the same time DS genuinely isn’t happy where he is and this would be a massive opportunity for him.

The slightly awkward thing is DD is actually much closer to my mum than DS is. DD is always asking to go to grandma’s and probably sees her more than either of the boys. So I don’t think this is my mum favouring DS emotionally. She just thinks DS needs the school and the others don’t. DS is also absolutely thrilled about it and keeps asking when he can start.

I honestly don’t know if I’m being stupid here. If someone offered to pay for something one of your children genuinely needed but wouldn’t pay for the others, would you take it? I feel ridiculous turning down £9k a year when we can’t provide it ourselves but I also don’t want DD sitting there thinking grandma chose her brother over her.

Even though a 3k per term private school is likely to be at a lower academic standard than the vast majority of state schools?

There is a misapprehension amongst a lot of people that private schools are always better than state when often they are not. Dont fall for the fallacy.

At his age and at this price point this will be a lower graded prep, so what is the plan for when he is 13 and he either has to go to a far more expensive school or transition back into state?

Is your gut feeling that this is right for your DS? What are the secondary options like in your area, would it be short term to help get him into a grammar school or up to 16/18? It’s a massive commitment, are you confident your mother can afford it through to 16/18?

Children absolutely do know these things. It's not quite the same situation, but when I was a kid our neighbours had to stop sending their kids to their private primary schools, they accepted the grandparents offer to pay just for the boy, so he got to attend Prep school. The two girls knew exactly what was going on and were extremely resentful.

You tell DD1 that her brother really needs this. And grandma can't afford to do this for 3 children. Anyway DD1 is ten and she's only seven. When she's ten, we'll look at it again. Circumstances may have changed by then.

What happens when he becomes bored and disengaged at his new school?? He’s 10 years old, you need to have a serious talk with him about his attitude and laziness.

I think I'd accept the offer. My cousin went to private school because his grandfather funded it while his two sisters went to a LA school. My husband went to private school, while his sister went to a LA school. There have been no long term problems between the siblings, they all seemed to agree that the brother would benefit from going to the private school.

Can your mum afford to pay for private school for the other two, if they found themselves in the same position i.e needing a different school? I can see lots of sides here. I think it has been poorly framed to the kids in making them think it is ‘posh’ and better than he state edication - so importabt you think about how to explain it better ie it is in response to a specific unmet need.and that private schools are not better but just have different pros and cons Then - consider whether you can earn/ save more money in case it is needed for the other two in future. And will your mum help you if at that time it feels like the right thing? Someone mentioned that if your son struggles with learning he may have difficulty fitting in. There will certainly be a wide range of neurodiversity in a private school, it is not just the sporty, academic allmrounders

@ThisTropical why if the teacher knows he is not been challenged is she not giving him more challenging work to do. He is going to switch off if he is bored and the work is too easy.

It's a pity your younger children had to know that fees would be paid for the elder child.

Your mother obviously thinks the school would be a better fit and her offer is kind but these things should be handled discreetly. It might not even work out as well as she hopes, who knows? It's worth a try though.

You can see it will cause a divide already. OP and her mother couldn't even have a private conversation away from the other children out of respect.

It’s worth digging deeper and asking yourselves more questions before rejecting this. Every child is different.

1. You mention your eldest is bored. Does he have friends? Would he potentially have more friends at the other school?
2. Hie are his younger siblings getting on at their current schools? You are talking about secondary vs primary so it’s a bit different, but at age 7 your daughter is presumably 4 years younger in the school your eldest attended then, so there’s no need to consider school options for her for some time. It’s worth looking ahead, but it’s not necessarily the case that the same school would be right for both of them. if she’s more sociable etc a larger school might be better.
3. As private secondaries go, this school is not expensive. It is not a posh school. It’s in the fee range of local private offering a comparatively affordable alternative for local parents who find their kids struggling in the state sector.
4. Have you visited? Do they offer sibling discounts or scholarships that might help in four years time?

It doesn’t work out. Our friend has now 2 adult children. When their mum and our friend split, mom and her new partner funded the DD’s private education and friend was told it was up to him to sort the DS.

There’s a huge divide now that wasn’t there when the siblings were little. DS doesn’t see his mum much at all having felt rejected since she partnered up and took the DD under her wing. DS has substance dependence issues which I think stems from being rejected in his eyes. Unable to hold onto job or relationships for long.

its an extreme example and one definitely gender focussed by their Mother.

its either or all nothing in my opinion. Part subsidy of all is ok too if you can make up the balance. But it has to be equal.

So the boys were paid for and the girls had the free option?

Nice.

They might be a coincidence. I have a friend who went private because he didn’t get into the grammar, but his sister did, so she went there. He was also very musical, so he made use of the music opportunities which she wouldn’t have done. Both loved their schools and there was no jealousy. Classrooms teaching isn’t necessarily better in the private sector. Sometimes it’s worse.

@ThisTropical

Kindly, OP, this.

I think you should give your son the opportunity that’s available to him, it’s not fair on your other kids, but unfortunately it’s unfair if you do it or not!

Before moving him, I would put some thought into his entire school journey. Does the private school go all the way through? Do they leave at 11,13 or 18 years old? Where do the kids go next and what is the cost of the next step? Once he is there he will want to follow the same trajectory as his friends so I would just think about that. Grandparents don’t always understand the commitment and if you are relying on your mother entirely I would do some research first, maybe speak to the school.

Haven't RTFT so sorry if this has been said. Have you had a conversation with school about setting your DS more challenges, higher level work he could be doing? Is there a 'gifted' programme he could be on? It seems you haven't exhausted all the opportunities in his current school and have been tempted by what seems an easy way out.

Surely he will be going to secondary school soon. If he is bright are there any 11+ or grammar school/entrance exam options? I would wait to see whether he finds secondary school more stimulating before uprooting him now. Also you have learnt your lesson hopefully not to discuss things like this in front of the kids. There's nothing wrong with siblings going to different schools for different needs but of course you will need to be prepared to take a similar step for the other two if that turns out to be best for them too.

Yeah this. I didn't even know the difference between private and state school as a kid. People just went to school. I knew boarding school existed but it seemed like something quite old fashioned and unappealing.

But I had no idea about adults finances, benefits, social class etc at 7. Other than to know that people do different jobs, and people live in different sized homes. But I didn't equate it with wealth or status or success/failure.

I would never sacrifice one child's good fortune and opportunity for another.

Let DGM pay for your DS1.
See how that goes for a couple of years. He might perk up and be excited to go back to the school the other two will attend.

Education is very important.

Your circumstances might change enabling the younger two to attend schools or hobbies specifically for their development.

That cuts both ways. Is it fair to give one child good fortune and opportunity and deny it to the others?
I don’t think so.
And as other posters have pointed out, the issues DS1 are currently experiencing need to be identified before potentially creating a lifelong divide.

It’s a hard no from me.
So he’s a bored 10year old. Lots of children find school boring.
Presumably, he’ll be going to secondary school in September, so I’d stick it out. Ask the school how they can differentiate the work to make it more challenging for him. Enrol him in extra curricular activities to nurture what he’s interested in. These would be the routes I’d be exploring. I’d also talk to him and explain that he needs to try his best at school so that he has a chance to achieve high grades and a decent job etc.
Also, how do you know he wouldn’t still be a bored 10 year old at a private school?
I think you and your mother are being ridiculous to even consider it at this time.

How many children do you have? Im really trying to understand your logic here. How could you give your child something so big as this without your other children?

There isn't even a "need" for OP to accept. Im actually disgusted by this thread and I hope OPs DH does not stand for it.

Grandma must talk to the others particularly your DD - such an opportunity to cement the fact that needs are being hopefully met for her brother that she blessedly doesn't need. Reaffirming how much she adores each and every one of them. It's good that she has a closeness and hopefully this will enable her to believe and trust her Grandma's wisdom. She (and DS2) may grow up to realise what a loving act this was. And the whole family - including your DH - try and reframe how it's seen/looked at. If money wasn't involved it probably wouldn't be an issue; in other words, if he (DS1) had special requirements and the Government funded it.
I actually went to private school and my 4 brothers didn't. There were comments, occasionally, from them but my parents explained things in such a way that the feelings of jealousy etc were forgotten early on - my brothers didn't need anything different (the state schools provided for them really well) but I definitely did and similar to what your eldest boy is experiencing. We're all well into adulthood now and it's never ever even remembered. For the record we all did well, as all our needs were met x