My mum will pay for private school but only for DS

[ThisTropical]

My mum has offered to pay for private school for my eldest DS but only him and I’m really not sure what to do. He’s 10 and has been getting more and more fed up with his school. He’s not bullied or anything like that, he just seems to have completely switched off and is quite far ahead in some things.

My mum has found a small independent school near us and said she will pay his fees from next year. It’s about £9k a year which we absolutely couldn’t afford ourselves. She has said she doesn’t want anything back and is basically offering to pay because she thinks he needs a different school. I was obviously really grateful and initially said yes.

The problem is I have DD who is 7 and DS2 who is 4. They would both stay at their schools. DD asked me yesterday why grandma is paying for DS to go to a posh school but not her. I didn’t really know what to say. My mum said DD doesn’t need it and that she’s not prepared to pay private school fees for all three children just to make things equal.

DH thinks we should say no altogether. He says he doesn’t want the children growing up knowing one of them got something worth thousands every year because grandma decided he was the special one. I can see his point but at the same time DS genuinely isn’t happy where he is and this would be a massive opportunity for him.

The slightly awkward thing is DD is actually much closer to my mum than DS is. DD is always asking to go to grandma’s and probably sees her more than either of the boys. So I don’t think this is my mum favouring DS emotionally. She just thinks DS needs the school and the others don’t. DS is also absolutely thrilled about it and keeps asking when he can start.

I honestly don’t know if I’m being stupid here. If someone offered to pay for something one of your children genuinely needed but wouldn’t pay for the others, would you take it? I feel ridiculous turning down £9k a year when we can’t provide it ourselves but I also don’t want DD sitting there thinking grandma chose her brother over her.

If you can’t afford it personally, have you looked into whether he could attend the private school on a bursary?

Who told your DD about said Posh school?
£9k a year is very cheap... have you mis-quoted? It'll go up and is likely to also be more for older children.

However, I would absolutely say yes. IF the school was the right fit for DS.

I know plenty of children who are split between different schools because, different schools suit different kids. Simple as. It's not always down to equality tbh. And also, why wouldnt you want your child to experience a school which suits his needs? Why prevent him from having that because his siblings dont suit the school?!

Same here. The ones who didnt go to the more expensive schools got expensive hobbies. Everyone turned out similar, feel its mindset and desire that ultimately sets people apart.

One should put the child in need first as he clearly has that need now, and maybe she can afford that £9k on an ongoing basis, say as he finishes school another grandchild if in need might get the chance, indeed you might be able to fund the odd year between, parents in these situations somehow find the money.

So what happens if DD or DS2 struggle when they are 10 and have to remain in their school?

It could be worse for them than simply being bored, they could be bullied or really unhappy but they wouldn't have any get out like DS1 has had.

If your DD or younger son get to year 6 and are extremely bored and disengaged, is anyone going to be paying 9k a year for a private education that they apparently so desperately "NEED"?
Or are they going to be told to suck it up?

It would be a big NO from me. Just think of all the problems it would create down the road. It could never be forgotten.

Are you sure it’s 9K for a year? My son went to through private school and it was nearer 20K per year and that was about six years ago when he left, also who pay for all the extra curricula items of which there is a lot, exams, certain books, sports, it isn’t just the basic fees to take into account.

Ten? So he'll be changing schools in a year anyway, right?

How does your 7yo know that this is under discussion when you haven't even decided?

No, obviously you can't do it.

She shouldn't be so involved. Finding a school locally to you, deeming it superior for this child alone and then offering to pay just seems way too much. Will she pay private fees til he's 18, even if he gets fed up of that too?

This was my exact thought.
Why does a 7 year old know about all of this?

I would consider accepting it. I don't get this obsession with every penny being exactly equal when needs are not the same.

I highly doubt it's 9k though. Usually about double that.

I think a private tutor for some subjects might be a better and cheaper alternative

Well what is his teacher doing about it?

But he’ll be going to secondary school soon, which will be more of a challenge. And what happens if he gets “bored” at the private school, what then? I think if he had learning difficulties etc then I could understand a different setting for him. But the reason you’ve given seems very weak, and your other kids could grow up resenting it.

There's enough inequality in life without bringing it into your own home. What if in a few years time your other DC are having a hard time at school?

If she got £9k per year for at least 6 years to spare on 1 grandchild, then she could put that aside that to give them all an equal leg up in the future.

I'd say no unless he got an amazing scholarship that made it way more affordable. That's only fees - what about uniform, trips, lunches, extracurriculars?

Im shocked that it’s only £3k a term: is your Mum mistaken?

It surely must be 9k per term. I can't think of any private school that costs as little as 9k per year. Maybe Grandma's got the wrong end of the stick and wouldn't be able to afford 18k a year anyway!

No. What if he doesn't like the Private School as well. Nobody seems to have mentioned that

Your mother sees like a bit of a controling, interfering type. Also not fair on your other children.

He may grow out of it. If not get some counselling etc for him

How can you possibly know at this stage how a 7 and 4 year old will cope with the rest of their education? It’s a shame the children know about the offer (why?) because turning it down is going to cause nearly as many issues as accepting it. Could your mum even afford to do the same for all 3 even if she wanted to? If eldest DS is now 10 I assume he only has another couple of years at prep? In which case, what is you mum suggesting happens a secondary? Fees for private secondary will be three times the cost of prep. I think it has to be a ‘no’ as it’s setting your younger ones up for a lifetime of feeling less than and will sow the seeds of sibling resentment.

I agree

I think its a huge shame that your children know things they shouldn't and are already speculating. Now there are 2 children involved in adult conversations diappointment hurt feeling etc. Which could have been avoided.

In all conscience,I could not accept this for one of my children,if it meant the other two didn't get the same.

That's the teacher's job! They need to meet his needs. Sounds like your DS doesn't need a private school.