Hi,
(Apologies in advance for typos - writing on a phone)
I’ve read through all of this and wanted to offer my thoughts from the viewpoint of someone who has both served as a school governor (including on disciplinary panels) and as a senior member of staff in a school who has specific responsibility for discipline and has been involved in permanent exclusion on several occasions.
Firstly the emotional bit - despite what many may think, schools do not want to ‘get rid of’ kids. We hate permanently excluding. Quite aside from the fact that it’s a massive pain procedurally and creates huge amounts of work, it’s just deeply unpleasant. It makes us feel like we’ve failed, and sitting in the room with kids and parents to tell them that this is the end of the journey (I’ve had to do it too many times) is just horrible. The worst bit of all is that we then feel guilty for being sad about it as we know that no matter how hard the conversation is for us, it’s far harder for the kids and parents sat across from us. It is an absolute lose-lose situation but unfortunately one that is sometimes needed. We always want what is best for a child and as painful as it may be, sometimes that is to say goodbye.
The other thing about this is that it never, ever comes at a ‘good’ time. In an ideal world it would come along early in a school career, early in term, where there’s loads of time to do everything perfectly by the book and with loads of time to sit around and talk about it. If only! Reading into this situation, OP describes her daughter as having been at the school for 3 years and is 14. Assuming having started in year 7 and being in the normal school year then this means this has come along right at the end of year 9, just ahead of the summer holidays when she’s starting GCSEs in September. That’s rubbish timing. Rightly or wrongly from a procedural point of view the school won’t want to keep this hanging over her and you for 6 weeks and won’t want her having uncertainty going into the new school year with a potential move during term 1 of GCSEs. They’re trying to wrap this up quickly to give everyone closure and your daughter time to process and make a fresh start of it in September.
Here’s the tricky bit. In all honesty, while trying to do the right thing, they probably have cut corners a little bit and if you really want to pick at that you of course have every right to do so. From what you’re describing here you may even have a case, although I suspect more legwork has been done in the background than you’re aware of - for starters I suspect the Head had seen evidence over the weekend and had phoned the chair of governors prior to Monday morning. The big question I would ask though is what is actually in the best interests of your child? Is months of uncertainty in her best interests? Is the prospect of a permanent exclusion going to help her down the line? Is it better to cut loses now, move over the summer and start again fresh in September? I get that she has friends at the school etc and this is of course a huge factor, but even if you win the appeal is the relationship with the school now damaged to the point that she’ll feel she on eggshells for 2 years? I’m sure you already are and therefore say this only for emphasis, please take a step back and look at the big picture to put your daughters needs first.
Here comes the difficult bit to hear but I think you need to hear it. I say this not to be mean or to try and back up the school (I have no idea which school it is and clearly don’t have all the facts available to them to comment on whether they’ve got this right or not) but because I’ve seen this play out so many times elsewhere….
You and your daughter have been through a horrible experience. Of course you have. Even when it’s clear cut and there’s no grounds for debate it is still an awful experience to be on the receiving end of permanent exclusion. It will have been a shock, you’ll feel desperate, you’ll feel protective, and fight or flight will be kicking in. As such, you’re not thinking logically or rationally and I’m afraid that shows in much of how you’re describing things here, so to address them directly:
- you’re not being blackmailed through the offer of a managed move. They’re actually trying to help you and your daughter out. Of course the school don’t want to have to go through with the permanent exclusion and would rather you take the ‘easy option’ but I promise, as someone who has been on the other side of this, that it’s not because they realise they’ve messed up and are backpedaling, it’s because they want to help your child.
- it doesn’t matter how great your child is academically. It has no bearing on this. I’ve permanently excluded a kid on track for straight 9s.
- it doesn’t matter that your teachers have said nice things in reports and parents evenings. This also doesn’t back up the idea that everything has been fine from a behavioural point of view previously. In not saying that your daughter is a ‘naughty kid’ but a lot of us like the naughty kids and will say encouraging things about them especially if they behave well in our lessons when we know they can be a pain elsewhere.
- the other girls track record is irrelevant and her sanction will not be shared with you and nor should it.
- Recording a member of staff without consent is awful. We wouldn’t do it to you, so don’t do it to us. I’ll give you a pass for the reasons described above, but irrespective of the legality it is a huge breach of trust and you should delete it immediately and apologise if appropriate. Trust me, if they know you’ve done it it’ll cause real damage, but apologising would go a long way.
- even in the strictest schools, not all kids get detentions. I work in a very strict school. About 80% have never had a detention and only about 7% have ever had more than one. I can tell you that plenty of parents with children within that 7% would refuse to accept that it’s only 7%.
- the most difficult one of all… even with the additional info you’ve given about the fight itself, you could drive a bus thorough what’s missing. You’ve described an initial confrontation where your daughter is very much the victim. This was not however a ‘fight’. You’ve then described them being on the floor with your daughter on top after they’ve both been fighting. What happened in the middle? How did it actually escalate into a fight? Who took the first swing? How did the other girl end up on the floor with your daughter on top? When the other girl pushed your daughter, you said she responded but you haven’t said how? Clearly I haven’t seen what happened, but I’ve seen enough similar videos to be pretty content in saying that you’ve missed out this middle bit for a reason because your daughter went from being victim to aggressor and massively escalated things. Was she provoked, yes. Should she have walked away, yes. Is that realistically really hard to do, of course also yes. The reality is though that if she’s massively escalated things and ‘got the better of’ the other girl by taking it from a confrontation to a physical fight where she’s ended up on top of the other girl, and there’s video evidence of it, then I’m not really sure how else you expect the school to respond?
I’m sorry you’re in this situation, and even more sorry for your daughter. I’m sure she’s a great kid and has just really messed up here. That’s really difficult and I’m sure it really hurts for both of you, but please, please take a step back, reflect open and honestly, and think about what the right next step is for her. Is it to keep fighting the school or, to borrow Gen Z/alpha parlance, should you just take the L?