DD Miserable at Oxford Uni

[MyPearlPoster]

So DD is in her first year studying history at Oxford. She has come from a very prestigious secondary in London, where she thrived and had lots of amazing close friends, some of whom are at Oxford now too. From the start she has found it all really challenging socially, calling or messaging in tears that she hasn't found her people and feels alone in her college which seems to be rather unsociable, unfriendly and 'nerdy'. Spending time with friends from home there helps, but she says everyone seems to have a core friend group within their college, where they've all found likeminded people to eat/hang out/study with - I think she feels somewhat like the odd one out for being lonely in hers. It doesn't help that her friends at other unis, many in the US, are having the time of their lives, calling with exciting stories and posting pictures of new friends - she really feels as though she is majorly falling behind. I have told her multiple times that it takes time and that she would regret leaving Oxford but it also kills me to see her so unhappy. Academically she is doing pretty well, but not thriving perhaps as she used to, and finding it difficult to concentrate and focus because of constant anxiety etc. She is speaking to a therapist and taking a low dosage of anxiety meds which have been recommended. I think part of it is the lack of structure of it all - she was used to having a big but very tight group of supportive friends who she felt very at home with, and as a family we are all very close too. With her humanities course she hardly has any contact hours and all people in her college seem to do is study...she keeps saying it's not that Oxford is wrong for her but her college specifically but there seems no chance of moving...I know people will say to get involved with extracurriculars and she does journalism which she enjoys but finds everyone there is more of a loose acquaintance network. Apart from this, she was never particularly sporty or into music and other than those activities everyone's social lives do seem to revolve around their colleges...she makes an effort with friends of friends etc but feels afloat generally and is often lonely.

There are definitely going to be societies that will not centre around the college. Is there something she's never tried that she can start ? So ultimate Frisbee or handball or a sport which may be more inclusive. She could also try rowing? I did in my 2nd year, was never very good but it did give me a bunch of mates to hang out with. There's also other hobbies which are more cross college eg drama or a choir. Again some groups will.happily take beginners. There's sometimes subject related talks or groups.
She just hasn't found her mates yet but she's not going to be the only one. I know a few of my son's cohort at London unis who are the same. It just varies. Tell her to try not to think abojt what others are doing. Fwiw I went to Oxbridge and I didn't make tons of friends but those I did were my lifelong ones. So you know it's not just volume !!

This was me 20 years ago. I truly empathise, down to the thinking I would have fitted right in with my subject group in a different college, but of course it's luck of the draw. This time of year after exams is particularly lonely, where if feels like everyone is having a whale of time, and not having a core group to go to balls with is isolating.

Things improved for me in second year, where I balloted with one course friend and two friends of hers, and we all got on well in house share, but everyone had lives outside so we weren't joined at the hip. I'm in touch with two of the 3 but my best friends are still from school! I then had 3rd year abroad, and 4th year was heads down working, albeit with a few remaining friends and with more confidence to be alone.

There are lots of people whose core friends are outside college. I remember trying out kayaking society once and being baffled by a guy from my college who I'd never seen around but seemed to be the life and soul of kayaking soc! Journalism and drama both sound like good ones to hedge a bet on, especially if she gets promoted to an editorial role. Volunteering for may ball committee or JCR would also bring close contacts. Some other advice:

• explore options for a year/semester abroad if still unhappy by summer - I'm not sure where Brexit has left us but could be a great opportunity to have a different uni experience.
• chat to nerdy people, who might be delighted with the attention.
• approach canteen meals like Rory Gilmore- headphones and book at the ready if required.
• a 'youth is wasted on the young' piece of advice that will be no doubt lost on an 18yo- but Oxbridge is such a special once in a lifetime experience that could be enjoyed even without the social side- wearing gowns, attending evensong, attending talks, enjoying beautiful buildings. Revel in cycling around living the main character energy!

Such a shame and not unique to Oxford. It’s always hard moving anywhere new and you just have to put yourself out there. Say yes to invites, try new hobbies, ask someone else for a coffee, volunteer, find a part time job (Oxford says no but people do), try things the locals do rather than the students… I can’t think of a city with more clubs/societies/things to get involved with! How about the sports centre on Iffley Road? Start going to a class regularly, get a bit of structure to the week.

Agree with this.
Also DH, who went to Oxford, didn’t find people he clicked with until half way through the second and the third year really, all from other colleges.
The lack of contact hours can be pretty lonely. First year is particularly hard as people tend to form little groups or tight friendships very quickly as they feel a bit insecure. As the year goes on friendships shift, and she will probably find people she likes quite randomly. One of dds closest friends isn’t in her college, she met him as the casual acquaintance of someone on her course, and over time they got to know each other better. Through him she met another of her close friends, and so on.
I think the pastoral care isn’t great at all tbh, although it probably varies by college, but the prior suggestion upthread of the Magdalen film night is a good one.
Probably the best thing is to just accept that real friendships take time, both to find and to make, and to just talk to anyone who looks interesting, and not worry too much about finding a “tribe” as she will probably find friends through other people.
Taking a year out, or changing course or even university are all possibilities if she is really unhappy.

This thread sums up how I felt about being at Bristol many years ago - so it's not just Oxford, though I think Bristol had its own awfulness. I was on a recent thread discussing the relative merits of history at York/Bristol/Durham and got flamed a bit because I was being negative and hadn't been there recently.

Much of the advice here is good but it's the feeling everyone else has paired off and is having the best time ever, while you are still waiting to throw a six to start. It's like musical chairs, the music is playing but you are left without a chair after freshers' week.
It is also hard if you don't get to mix with or meet people via your course because frankly there are posts on Mumnset not uni related where folk just find it hard to build up a social life from scratch. Most of us meet and talk with people via work, it's just inbuilt and you don't have to put yourself on the line. You are socialising within a context.

As I suggested in another thread, your daughter could do that trick where she pretends she's an alien sent to Earth to report back on a situation; that way you can feel emotionally removed but still involved and engaged. Get more emotionally involved when you see something interesting.

Other advice like going on a dating app isn't great imo, sounds like 'numb the loneliness with sex'! Also, take care not to get a crush on anyone out of loneliness, limerence and all that.

Sorry to hear this op.

I have two dds who have both graduated in the last couple of years; one Oxbridge and one Russell group. Overall I would say the non Oxbridge DD had a much more fun and rounded uni experience.

Whilst Oxbridge DD made some good friends and has some happy memories , the uni experience was a tough one. The 8 week terms and intense workload meant a lot less time for socialising than at other unis, at least it seemed that way as an onlooker. Her course also had few contact hours and she definitely talks about times of loneliness. One thing that she really enjoyed was working in the college in holidays, helping on summer camps with foreign students etc. She got to enjoy the surroundings, make friends and earn money , all whilst feeling a lot less pressured than in term time. Looking back on her time at Oxbridge, I don't think she would say her uni days were the time of her life in the way we, her parents or her sister would about ours. But it sure has helped her enjoy her freedom and life on the outside and she has thrived since leaving , if that's any consolation.

All the very best to you and your daughter 💐.

I commented further up, but reading all these comments has really brought it back to me, what it felt like to be an undergraduate at Oxford. Zoom out for a moment and get perspective on this situation. Your DD is having to take anxiety medication; that is, she has developed a clinical condition from her situation and needs drugs to function well there. People are recommending to join “societies” and especially “rowing” to make friends, fit in, which just should not be at all necessary in any human group of people to have a social life (but it is, arguably, at Oxford—and joining societies means having one or another eccentric interest and rowing, I know from best friends doing it, means extreme standards of fitness and sacrificing a lot of sleep). At best, Oxford can distract people from other life challenges, at worst, stop them healing and make things worse, as its just not a focus. If your DD gets this sense of perspective, rather than, for example, blaming herself, and decides to stick it out for the rewards that Oxford offers (prestige, potentially world-class learning experiences academically) good luck. But it wouldn’t be at all wrong to reject this strange and, in my humble opinion, dysfunctional, place. Among my group, one killed herself (at Oxford), one dropped out and happily moved abroad for a new life, one had bulimia on and off for years…

So glad there no identifying information in your post. Otherwise this could make things awkward for your daughter. In her first year at Oxford. Studying history.

Yes I imagine it's unlikely her peers routinely read Mumsnet but Christ imagine if they did.

I was in your daughter’s position for a while at uni. Not just my first year, and I really struggled. I think for me it was just a bit change from being pretty much an adult at home (job, car, freedom) to going to uni which was a bit like boarding school. I won’t pretend it all ended up brilliantly but I did gradually enjoy it more and found some friends through a society.

I did try to move unis but it wasn’t possible (for technical reasons to do with my course), and after I explored that and felt I had done everything I could I just decided to get on with it. I think part of the issue is uni is supposed to be this amazing time, but actually many students don’t have that experience. Good luck to her and you.

It’s called finding your tribe because it’s not given. Reassure her that slotting in with the crowd means she might miss out on the kindred spirits who may be found more slowly and with more work. Meanwhile here’s a chance at self-reliance and learning ease in her own company which is as good a lesson as any tutorial.

Good to know there is literally nothing here that could credibly pinpoint her DD. And who knows if she is even studying history.

Honestly.

Thank you for your comments everyone, much appreciated!! As to the concerns RE me helicoptering her when I should leave her to deal independently, I do see where you're coming from, but ultimately her and I have always been very close and I would never want her to feel as though she can't come to me for support. She has had wobbles in the past, who doesn't, but honestly her secondary school + especially sixth form years were such smooth sailing and she was such a confident, intelligent and sparkly girl that I think this has been a major shock to her, and frankly to me as well. I think the societies are a good shout and I will especially recommend getting involved in drama to her. Apart from this, I guess she ought to just wait it out and trust things will fall into place. She does socialise outside of college fairly regularly and I keep reminding her that from next year that's likely to become more of the norm for everyone - she needs to get out of this 'tribe' mindset.

There will be many others feeling the same as her. I know a lot of people who had a tough time at university. I had it when I first went. I left after my first year, took a gap year then went to a different university where I was much happier. I had to carve out more structure in my life so I did a job and rarely stayed at university at the weekend. I was in London and knew a lot of other people living there and could also get the train to my friends at other universities or back to my parents. The busier I was the more efficient I was at doing my work but I probably didn't devote myself as much as I could to the academics. I think one of the issues with going somewhere like Oxford is that you have to work so bloody hard to get in and then it feels so exciting to get the offer that it is almost bound to be a little bit of an anticlimax. It also is then very tough to give it up and go to a less prestigious place. I went to a better university the second time around so I didn't have to regret the decision. I would definitely recommend keeping as busy as possible and plan things for the weekends.

I feel for your daughter, but think she should hang on in there. It’s very early days. It’s hard in practice, but I’d encourage your daughter to try to be relaxed about new friendships. They will inevitably happen. Lots of people (including me) don’t enjoy their first year at uni. Often it all comes together socially/academically in year 3. X

OP - I had a tough first year. I had had a sheltered upbringing, little in common with other students and poor social skills. Learning how to make small talk and find points of connection with just about anyone was a huge discovery and made a big difference. I never really gelled with the very privileged London types - we just had too little in common - but the student and city communities are large and diverse. I trusted that I would find my niche (as all the welfare guides said) and it did eventually happen, one connection at a time.

I do remember not having much work in the first year, and often being bored while others were working during the day. It took a while to get involved in societies and projects, and then I was suddenly too busy. If she is finding that she has too much free time, then she needs to find a way to fill her time. It may also be that others simply need less stimulation, and she needs more. It doesn't mean that the others are dull, just that she has particular needs, but it's a very solvable problem.

You don't have to be super-fit or committed to join one of the more relaxed rowing teams - she should sign up next October. There is nothing like messing around on the water on a spring morning. I didn't row in my first year, but tried again in my second year, made a lifelong friend through it, and carried on after I graduated. If not rowing, exercise helps more generally - sports like boxing or roller derby are very sociable.

Having a project like visiting every college/college chapel, every tower, every museum/historic landmark - ticking them off would help build a stock of memories. There is so much to see, and very soon it will be time to leave - she is already a year down!

So many of my peers never went to the Cowley Road, or Godstow, or out to the Cotswold villages. Walks along the rivers and canal were really lovely. There will be a walking club which is very low-cost and gets people out of town.

Many local charities would be thrilled to have her helping out - washing dishes, leafletting.

There are many good small music venues, lots of concerts, lots of talks. The various arts festivals will often have roles for volunteers so that they can see things for free in return for helping out.

She could work on a new language at the language centre, then find a student from that country to practice with. If she's attracted by studying elsewhere, Erasmus is opening up again to UK students next year, and some colleges/degree programmes have relationships with US universities too.

She needs to think of the value of a wide network - meeting more people, even if she doesn't get very close to most of them, means she's more likely to find the people she clicks with.

In my final year I realised that it would all soon end, so made a bigger effort to go to the additional lectures/seminar series. They were superb, and I felt so stupid to have not made the effort earlier. They don't have to be compulsory to be worthwhile - and also did help my performance in finals because I had more breadth and more proximity to graduate work. I remember very young PhD students giving talks who, years later, went on to be world-famous.

Many societies and the central students union really need capable people - you do have to put something in to get more out.

It might be useful for her to really think about what things really fascinate and motivate her - shared interests attract friendships. Does she have a sense of what she wants to do later on in life? What are the things that she really cares about? If she is clearer about who she herself is, her types are more likely to recognise her.

Also, I just wanted to add that I really needed and wanted support from my mum when I was going through the bad patch during the first attempt at university. Having her there for me was really important.

There are HUNDREDS of undergraduates studying history, don’t exaggerate.

My brother has a very similar experience at Oxford. He hated his first year and wanted to quit by Christmas. He stuck it out and did end up coming home quite a bit that first year, but when he moved accommodation in second year, he found a much better group of friends and enjoyed in very much thereafter! Stick with it - this too shall pass.

Oxford looks like everyone has settled when most of them haven't. Or they despise their so-called new friends. Most people spend their first year trying to drop the friends they made in the first few weeks before beginning to coalesce around a tribe in second year.

Has she tried the Oxford Union or Student Union? Drinking, politics, or both, if that’s her thing.

Drama too — not just acting, but set design, costumes, directing, production.

And if she’s religious, a faith society can sometimes provide a readymade community very quickly.

I once read that friendship is mostly timing, frequency and repeated contact. Not entirely true, but not entirely wrong either. That's why university can create such strong friendships. University is one of the few points in life where frequency and repeated contact happen concurrently.

Sometimes it’s as simple as sitting next to someone who looks interesting in hall or at a lecture. Sometimes it’s finally talking to the person who’s been sitting next to her for weeks.

I'm also reading that you care a great deal that she makes friends. She's lucky to have a mum like you.

@whiteroseredrose My dd found nerdy people didn’t come out of their rooms and were incredibly self sufficient. Although at another university (which also had rowing) my DD would never ever have gone near it. She was musical and liked drama - she would probably have dropped the oars. These days rowers work out and they don’t want useless people near a boat! It’s truly best to analyse what you actually like doing and what you can realistically join. You cannot just rock up and be accepted into everything if there are no spaces.

Absolutely this

Well, I’m from the bottom of the WC and went to one of the grandest colleges and had a good time, despite being completely out of my comfort zone socially and the first person in my family to stay in education past 15!

I know you said she isn’t sporty enough for uni sport, but what about college sport? From memory some of the teams were very minimum level required (including rowing which always had lots of lower boats) and very social.

Otherwise as others have said there are so many other groups across the uni- so it’s really worth trying out anything she is at all vaguely interested in - such as drama, music, or actually some of the more career type groups eg women in politics or psychology groups or other things which will be more geared around interest than skill? I know some people who made great friends in those kind of groups and obviously it also really helps with cv building.

I also think kindly some of this probably has to do with expectation vs reality. Oxford is a very isolating place by nature and if she had an easy time socially at secondary, this will have come as a shock to her. I feel the people who thrive most either come with big baked in social groups from (public) schools or are just intensely capable of dealing with the isolation. I would keep expectations measured and keep persevering with some other social options but to be honest not everyone loves Oxford (or any university) socially and that’s fine- it’s only 3 years and the degree is so valuable. I’ve met a lot of people in recent years who went to Oxford and had a “meh” time but are thriving afterward.

Rowing at Oxford at college level does not require extreme standards of fitness and sacrificing lots of sleep - certainly not at the college my ds only recently left. Lots of people at Oxford may think they have to do whatever they do to extremes, even things they are supposed to be doing for fun, despite the fact that is objectively completely and utterly unnecessary, but they are the victims of their own personalities in this. Having a sense of perspective requires knowing yourself, not blaming others for the way you interpret and react to particular circumstances.

There is nothing remotely dysfunctional in suggesting to someone who is failing to establish the social and emotional connections they were hoping for at university that they try out a new activity or society. Swanning into a big alpha group of friends wherever you live and whatever you do simply doesn’t happen for most people. The majority of people have times in their lives when establishing friendships and developing a sense of belonging require more effort than they originally anticipated.

I went to a prestigious uni. Not oxbridge but not far off. I can't offer advice on Oxford but I can tell you about struggling at uni . It's not worth it. If she is unhappy, then give her the grace to leave if she wants to. Yes, it's oxbridge but she's be able to transfer into another excellent institution. There's no shame in saying ' this isn't for me'. And for you support her.