DD Miserable at Oxford Uni

[MyPearlPoster]

So DD is in her first year studying history at Oxford. She has come from a very prestigious secondary in London, where she thrived and had lots of amazing close friends, some of whom are at Oxford now too. From the start she has found it all really challenging socially, calling or messaging in tears that she hasn't found her people and feels alone in her college which seems to be rather unsociable, unfriendly and 'nerdy'. Spending time with friends from home there helps, but she says everyone seems to have a core friend group within their college, where they've all found likeminded people to eat/hang out/study with - I think she feels somewhat like the odd one out for being lonely in hers. It doesn't help that her friends at other unis, many in the US, are having the time of their lives, calling with exciting stories and posting pictures of new friends - she really feels as though she is majorly falling behind. I have told her multiple times that it takes time and that she would regret leaving Oxford but it also kills me to see her so unhappy. Academically she is doing pretty well, but not thriving perhaps as she used to, and finding it difficult to concentrate and focus because of constant anxiety etc. She is speaking to a therapist and taking a low dosage of anxiety meds which have been recommended. I think part of it is the lack of structure of it all - she was used to having a big but very tight group of supportive friends who she felt very at home with, and as a family we are all very close too. With her humanities course she hardly has any contact hours and all people in her college seem to do is study...she keeps saying it's not that Oxford is wrong for her but her college specifically but there seems no chance of moving...I know people will say to get involved with extracurriculars and she does journalism which she enjoys but finds everyone there is more of a loose acquaintance network. Apart from this, she was never particularly sporty or into music and other than those activities everyone's social lives do seem to revolve around their colleges...she makes an effort with friends of friends etc but feels afloat generally and is often lonely.

College sport? You don't have to be particularly sporty for that.

You said upthread that your daughter has organised a house for next year with some people she gets on with and some others .... that sounds awfully like a group of friends to me. Maybe a large proportion of the other students are hanging out with others due to habit and not because they will be lifelong friends.

I think it's important to remember that what they tell you crying on the phone is not what they're always feeling, it's what they're feeling when they call you... To cry on the phone.

She probably is feeling a bit out of sorts and FOMO etc. It's really hard for young people now because not only do you have physical evidence of it in front of you but it's on your bloody phone all the time too. This helps it all be painted as the "right" way of doing things when what she needs to focus on is finding a way to enjoy it in the way that's possible for her, now, in the college she's in.

However the bad news is I doubt you'll be able to help with this beyond what you are doing, which is listening and sympathising. She has to work out our for herself, whether that's going to the pastoral tutor, joining a drama club, getting off social media, whatever. All you can do is be there for her and really really remember that in between calls she really will be having a nice time now and then!!

Her "tribe" is there and waiting for her to find it, but probably isn't where she is expecting to find it. I didn't click with the people of my college but I did click with a Society that was full of exactly my kind of geeky nerd. Obviously everyone at Oxford is a geeky nerd of some type or other but there are a thousand different types - and often your "tribe" is a group that you never would have thought to join, and never would have identified yourself as part of that category, until you get that "click". Certainly there's some people in my persistent group of age50-60 nerdygeek friends who met back then who weren't actually particularly fans of the "thing" that the society was officially for fans of, but that didn't matter.

So she needs to get imaginative with what she goes along to, not limiting herself to things she is already a fan of. Here's a selection of the things that aren't particularly for sporty or musiccy or college-based people:

Bee Keeping Society oxbees.wordpress.com/
Changeringers (bell ringing) Society
www.ouscr.org.uk/
Gilbert & Sullivan Society gands.web.ox.ac.uk/
Historical Reenactment Society "Wychwood Warriors wychwood.wikidot.com/start/~wychwood/
Light Entertainment Society (all-inclusive theatre group with no gatekeeping, all welcome, no special skills needed) oules.org.uk/
Neuroinfinity Society www.instagram.com/oxfordndsociety/
Pottery Society oxpotterysoc.web.ox.ac.uk/home
Roleplaying Games Society
oxfordrpg.com/
Speculative Fiction Group users.ox.ac.uk/~ousfg/
Tea Appreciation Society outas.tilda.ws/page2007973.html

There's dozens more.

It doesn't matter if none of these immediately make her think "Yes that is my tribe" - if she starts going along to 3 of these then by the 3rd time she goes, she will find that one or more of of them feels "right".

My reply above has been hidden possibly because I included links to a bunch of Oxford student societies that are not for sporty or musiccy or college based people. Hopefully it will be unhidden soon! If not, I will try to remember what I wrote but the gist is that her tribe exists and she just needs to be more imaginative about finding it. It will be somewhere she didn't expect.

Your DD is in the very fortunate position of having school friends with her at Oxford. Most kids haven’t got that privilege, so they’re forced to throw themselves into activities and pseudo-friendships and then winnow out some real mates months down the line.

I really feel for your DD, because Oxford can be incredibly lonely despite being one of the biggest universities in the world. But she wouldn’t have got in if she hadn’t got spirit. She needs to step out of her comfort zone (and the prestigious secondary school to Oxford pipeline is usually far too comfortable) and give everything a go.

DS1 felt like this to an extent in his first year at university (not Oxford). He had superficial friends but didn’t really click with anyone in his flat in the hall of residence. He had a group of people to move out with in the 2nd year, and then met lots more people through them, and now in the 3rd year he’s living with friends for life basically. It’s his happiest year by far.

I actually think halls of residence epitomise the phrase “lonely in a crowd”.

This happened to me and also a friend of mine. She was Cambridge.
Its unusual / unlucky

I tried to make the best of it and had people to do stuff with and tried a lot of social groups but it wasnt great.

We both stuck it out ...i think because we came from "poorer" families and "couldnt afford to waste a year" so just fucking got on with it and didnt even consider transferring or anything.

It was some of the loneliest times of my life but it came to pass and we both got our degrees and moved on and had a good life.

No real advice there but its so hard.
Especially as everyone is telling you that you shpuld be having the. Best. Time. Ever.

Drama is a good idea. There are various ways to get involved from acting to behind the scenes stuff.
What other activities does she like? Art, archery?Climbing is a sociable activity and it's a different skill than typical team sports such as hockey / netball etc.
Or there's just going up to people she likes the look of and introducing herself. As pp have said friendship groups do shift from 1st year onwards.

Totally uncalled for. We all worry about our kids, however old they are or what school they went to.

which college is she in?

I bet it's Merton!

Oxford isn't the be-all and end-all. I stuck it out at a university I hated (Nottingham - nothing about it was for me) and completely regret it. I didn't do as well as I could have, really struggled with friendships and mental health, and would have been much happier in a different environment. Obviously I don't know if this is the case with your daughter, but I'm just saying you don't get that time at uni back and it's a shame to waste it being miserable when for loads of people it's absolutely amazing.

Funny you should say that as my friend’s DS really struggled to settle there last year

Agree with this.
My friend is a chaplain at one of the Oxford colleges and he is always happy to talk to students who are struggling - even if they are not at all religious. In fact most of those he helps aren't. They have seen this a million times before and want students to thrive.
Sympathy for you both OP. I really struggled in my first year but I ended up loving uni.

so my reading of this and I apologise if I am in the wrong, is that this isnt really about friends or friendship groups but about change and how your daughter responds to change. Oxford doesnt suit everyone and there will be a high quotient of study nerds. what else would you expect really. I am glad the one of my DC that was offered a place at Cambridge declined it and went to another russell group instead because they recognised that it wasnt all about the name or the opportunities that came with it but about the experience as a whole.

It might be that Oxford just isnt full of her people. It might be that others have changed and grown up from being school girl to uni student and she hasnt quite got there yet.

My only advice is that she needs to use every tool in the box at Oxford to meet new people. she needs to join clubs, socieities march up and talk to people, join in nights out the lot. then if after having given it her best go it still isnt right she needs to think is this the best uni for me. because if you come out with no real uni memories, a lesser degree than you could have got and overall loss of confidence then really is Oxford the right place?

she is not at merton! her college is actually very large and a v 'popular' one to apply to

@canuckup I had no idea that sadness was strictly reserved for underprivileged people.

I didn't meet my closest college friend until my second year. She is the one I still have most contact with decades later. I socialised mainly in college, but I have friends who came to our college to socialise with us as they didn't really gel in their own college! Maybe remind her that it takes time to build up friendships, and that she isn't going to instantly connect with new people in the way she does with her school friends whom she has known for years? I would encourage her to go out and join more social clubs.

this is a horrible response.
Homesickness doesn't take privilege, background or intelligence into account. This is an 18 year old living away from the safety of home for the first time in a totally different culture - she will not be the only one who is struggling. And the one safe person for her is mum.
Perhaps use the bow of your tiny violin to probe about for some empathy.

OP do not let her give up. She'll be much better in year two. Things open up as you get a bit older.
In my day you weren't supposed to work but can she volunteer? I worked in a charity shop. Very interesting people and often historical donations especially in Oxford.
My daughter changed university in year 2 and it was no different. That shocked her but she commuted as the second university was a bus ride away. She hasn't really made that many deep friendships as she went to a boarding school so she kept in touch with a few of the girls there and a mixed bunch from sixth form. My daughter is nerdy ( you can get T-shirts with that on. A good ice breaker!).
Fwiw my son has zero friends from University but plenty from school. He went on to have a house share in London with chaps from school (none went to his uni).
I'd recommend she pushes through. It will be worth it.

"her college which seems to be rather unsociable, unfriendly and 'nerdy'."

I really don't think you you should encourage this attitude that there's something wrong with everyone else. It's rather a habit on MN when discussing Oxford.

.I know people will say to get involved with extracurriculars and she does journalism which she enjoys but finds everyone there is more of a loose acquaintance network.

Suggest trying different ones.

Not Oxford but DD1 found a group second year year that's given her most of her friends - her hall block it was foregin students here for a bit.

DS joined one societey in first year but I don't get the impression it's great for friend making - and next year he'll have fewer people just around as not in halls - so DD1 and I are suggesting trying another group.

I agree with @poppingby - she’s calling you when she feels miserable. When she doesn’t she won’t, but you’ll be left chewing your knuckles! I would be cautious about suggesting anything - listen, sympathise, hold your nerve. Maybe send her some brownies (my standard response to ds’s bad patches at Cambridge).

Choosing a college feels like a huge deal, and so if you’re not loving it it feels like that’s what went wrong. It isn’t and it didn’t (probably). Thank goodness she’s not trapped there if it’s not her vibe at the moment.

Also it’s exam time - everyone will be buried in revision. Of course not much social life is happening. If she hasn’t got big exams this summer she may not feel part of the vibe because of that. Or she may in fact be panicking about exams, but unable to admit it to you.

Plays are a very good idea. Also go nerdily to lectures, societies and events at her department rather than her college. If she’s enjoying her course at all, she’s a long way ahead of some. It will shake down a good bit next term, I bet.

She could see if volunteering for Nightline or Peer Support would suit her - they both naturally attact friendly people who are supportive and like other people! I'm pretty sure they're both still going. Also things like her college's access and outreach activities - there's usually a nice team of students doing that sort of thing. Or even the college telethon, if she's confident on the phone. Also depending on the college she might be able to get involved in a choir even if she's not that musical (some have higher standards than others, mine would let anyone in as long as they were enthusiastic!). They're usually pretty sociable!