DD Miserable at Oxford Uni

[MyPearlPoster]

So DD is in her first year studying history at Oxford. She has come from a very prestigious secondary in London, where she thrived and had lots of amazing close friends, some of whom are at Oxford now too. From the start she has found it all really challenging socially, calling or messaging in tears that she hasn't found her people and feels alone in her college which seems to be rather unsociable, unfriendly and 'nerdy'. Spending time with friends from home there helps, but she says everyone seems to have a core friend group within their college, where they've all found likeminded people to eat/hang out/study with - I think she feels somewhat like the odd one out for being lonely in hers. It doesn't help that her friends at other unis, many in the US, are having the time of their lives, calling with exciting stories and posting pictures of new friends - she really feels as though she is majorly falling behind. I have told her multiple times that it takes time and that she would regret leaving Oxford but it also kills me to see her so unhappy. Academically she is doing pretty well, but not thriving perhaps as she used to, and finding it difficult to concentrate and focus because of constant anxiety etc. She is speaking to a therapist and taking a low dosage of anxiety meds which have been recommended. I think part of it is the lack of structure of it all - she was used to having a big but very tight group of supportive friends who she felt very at home with, and as a family we are all very close too. With her humanities course she hardly has any contact hours and all people in her college seem to do is study...she keeps saying it's not that Oxford is wrong for her but her college specifically but there seems no chance of moving...I know people will say to get involved with extracurriculars and she does journalism which she enjoys but finds everyone there is more of a loose acquaintance network. Apart from this, she was never particularly sporty or into music and other than those activities everyone's social lives do seem to revolve around their colleges...she makes an effort with friends of friends etc but feels afloat generally and is often lonely.

Can she take a gap year next year and travel?

It's the large popular colleges that are the most impersonal, in my experience. Moving colleges is not a thing, as others have said. I would suggest she goes to lectures at the Faculty (which many students don't do, only end up doing tutorials which can be isolating), work in the libraries (college and Faculty) rather than working in her room, participate in more JCR activities, join societies that are of interest, and maybe even take up a shift or two at the college bar. It takes a while to find friends, it also takes a while for students to adjust to the reality that while they were the brightest where they came from, they are now surrounded by others who were the brightest too, and being one of the crowd is hard to get used to. I hope she finds her tribe and enjoys Oxford. It has a lot to offer in terms of life experiences and opportunities.

I would like to take a bet that everybody else is not having the great time she thinks they are. Decades later, most of my friends will admit how they hated being at Oxford at first. It's a very competitive place where you're expected to work crazy hard, isn't it?
From the sound of it, she has been used to a very nice home and school life arranged and overseen for her by family.
Now she has to stand on her own feet in a super tough environment where people don't feel able to confess openly to the challenges they face (I guess).
Some people have perhaps been away at boarding school previously or come from unhappy homes. It must relatively be easier for them to adjust as their expectations are different.
It's just a suggestion and certainly not meant to be critical , but I do wonder whether some of these issues may be contributing?
I may be entirely wrong, of course.....

It's not though. The entitlement and privilege on this thread stinks. We are simply not teaching our children how to adult, this is what university is about. Growing up, handling things yourself and working it out. Not messaging your mother, who then turns to MN for solutions!

We all know homesickness isn't fun, but at some point you need to let your child figure it out.

Definitely recommend trying to find a club. I didn't join one till my second year but formed my closest friendships in the club.
(In my case it was sailing).
I also preferred living out to living in college

I completely disagree. Whatever stage we are in life we can benefit from family support.

The worst mistake I made in my first year of university was thinking I needed to stand on my own feet and never get advice from my parents.

One of my best friends really struggled when he went to Oxford a few years ago. It's obviously quite an intense place and he struggled to find "his people". One thing that really helped him was writing for The Tab? I don't know if that's still a thing these days (this is going back about 15 years now) but it was a really great student paper. Weirdly, he was actually doing a science degree so nothing essay-ish at all, but he loved it and has a good group of friends from it that he's still in touch with now.
I'd say to find a club or something that she enjoys. Not only will she find new friends, but it really enriches your uni life no matter what it is.

I did a year's postgrad at Oxford and found rowing a godsend. Got me out and about, was in a cross-subject crew, so plenty to talk about and the exercise was good for my brain and body. Would this be an option?
I had never rowed before and turned out to be quite good at it - much to my surprise.

If she is still 18 she is on the young side for living independetly - I was nearly 20 as autumn born and had a gap year - it is young and hard to have perspective

It sounds like she just hasn't found her people - but from what you say there is a big anxiety here on 'perception' of how other people are feeling - that is the anxiety talking.

It's completely normal at uni to join in random other groups, sit with whoever is around, be the odd one who isn't in the same college in a group - I was constantly shifting circles/ meeting new people - and I ended up in the 2nd year with a very different group of friends.

She needs to stop looking at social media and assuming everyone else has it 'right' - or that she is the odd one out, I do think that sounds like the horrible voice of anxiety.

Something I felt at my uni (less academic than oxford!) was that the most hardworking private school kids (not saying she is- but the ones from elite schools) - really sstruggled more than those of us who had been at state sixth forms / less academic schools.

They had come from very formal systems with a lot of input and care - and as you say a solid group of mates - whereas some kids have already moved friendship groups for sixth form and at less academicc schoools had to just sort their own learning

not saying its a bad thing but i do think very academic schools probably create a 'system' around you that is probably much missed when you go.

To suggest that someone struggling with their MH and feeling really down should NOT tell their family when they want to is really shit advice. Thankfully we all know a lot more now about how important it is to tell people who care about you when you are struggling.

Could she take some initative -(hard I know when feeling down) and put up a poster or something asking if anyone in her college wants to join for studying or socialising or anything - even one saying 'not met your people yet - come to this drinks tonight'

Maybe she could get a friend to team up with her to do it - that way she can tell her friends she is having a hard time too.

My DS (no.2) hasn’t made any close friends in his flat or on his course at uni. He has made a special effort (not usually very sociable) to go and join clubs and societies to meet people he gets on with. Mostly his new, good friends are in yrs 2, 3 & 4 so can’t share accommodation with them next year. He came home at Easter and had a great time with all his old school buddies which made it harder to go back to uni.

He is only 1hr train ride from his brother’s uni and a 1.5hr from home but he braves it and knows he has to keep going if he wants to get where he wants to go.

I hope things work out for your daughter , but i do think there is far too much importance , pride , snobbery, call it what you will attached to attending Oxbridge.
Surely a happy student is the priority.

If she is at all churchy then St Aldates in th centre has a massive student community and a student service on Sundays.

DD1 was trying groups and activties off her own bat at start of second year- but then rang upset as none were quite right.

I suggested one I thought would fit her to a tee - she said she couldn't find the meet up details - I was sat at computer found them hand they were meeting that night and sent details to her.

To my surprise she went along that night and it through that she met most of her mates and later someone doing PhD in her very niche dissertation area. I think it made the whole experince for her so much better.

I image OP know she can't solve this issue for her DD but is looking for how usual this is and any more unusal suggestions she can put to her DD as worth trying.

In every other way DD1 is very independent just needed some support and a very slight push in right direction.

Can only go on what she told us <shrug>. My point stands though - when I did science at Camb I had vastly more contact time (labs, tutorials over 3-4 subjects weekly as well as lectures) and most of my DC's contact hrs at St A's are in small groups, seminars, and over longer terms.. that kind of course structure definitely encourages closer relationships, away from your 'living quarter' friends. My English student friends at Camb spent a LOT of time in their rooms, and I guess with online resources that is even worse now. Of course it doesn't prevent relationships forming, but requires more effort.

Having said that my other DC is currently crashing out of uni, and nothing to do with no friends or too few contact hours. Uni is not the be all and end all for them all, for sure!

Completely agree about social media - encourages them to look 'back' and compare. So unhealthy.

At Cambridge they give every new undergraduate a 'college father and mother' from the year above who help induct them into college life and are there for them if they need support. I don't know if your daughter has access to anyone like that?

I'd say - tough it out and work hard and she'll find her tribe eventually. I remember bursting into tears and not wanting to return after the Easter vacation in my first year, but it was from that point that things started to get better for me. Sometimes the worst time comes just before things start to improve.

@MyPearlPoster My dd got a place at Oxford but didn’t go due to a dropped grade. She wasn’t that upset! I was more than her I think! She had been concerned that her joie de vivre and love of socialising might not be what many Oxford students did. She would never ever be friends with “nerdy types”. Or people who studied constantly. So with hindsight, she fared better elsewhere.

Having said that, she encountered cliques of girls who didn’t want a variety of friends. DD had boarded but actually found the boys, in the main, more like her. When it came to 2nd year, the other girls found a house and excluded Dd. Luckily she was friendly with one girl and they have continued to be friends 10 years down the line. Numerous boys have remained friends and are coming to her wedding. So I do understand how upsetting it can be to find you aren’t fitting in. Does she need y2 housing outside of college? I’m assuming not so it’s even more of a concern.

I’ve no answer I’m afraid. Oxford has 20.% sen and people will be quirky. This can reduce friendship opportunities I think. Colleges are people. The college size can matter if it’s small. Larger ones to give more choice. I can see her point about acquaintances too. If you don’t click and they don’t want a friend, you haven’t found a friend.

Im therefore not sure what the answer is. However anxiety is never good so is moving on a better choice? What does she think? 2 more years with no friends isn’t a pleasant thought is it?!

I did my PhD at Oxford which is a bit of a non-standard experience but I was in some ways immune to the UG pressure, so I could experience it from outside. I was in STEM so tutorials (I ran them, not took them) were in departments.
My friends were a) in my department (not helpful I know) b) people who used the kitchen (this was in the MCR which is postgrads and 4th years on language courses, but there were other kitchens and I think sharing a house will also come with this) and c) people in choir (chapel and a big Uni one), church, orchestra, and I seem to remember a charity group I was in too.
And it's the last group I've kept up with - people I my PhD with (department) are all high flyers but not all my type of person.

I'd second the suggestions about getting involved with drama and any other societies that interest her that involve 'repeat' attendance at rehearsals or training or anything like that. Political societies usually meet regularly too. There is something for everyone.

It is one of the best things about university - that you have opportunities to do things and test things out that are cost or opportunity prohibitive in the real world. If you want to be in or direct or assistant direct a play outside of university, it's tough to get into and out of most people's budge to fund themselves. The same for trying out equipment based sports like fencing or shooting or archery or skiing. At university its easier and cheaper.

I knew (and still regularly meet in adult life) a lot of people who left university with nothing to show for it but a degree and three years of hangovers/partying. The easiest time to access this stuff is during freshers week but its never too late especially with drama. Even if she doesn't want to act/perform, they will need assistant directors, producers, stage managers etc. Performing groups get really tight nit during the rehearsal period. It's a ready made group of friends working to a common end.

To be brutally honest, if she is socialising with people but always looking longingly over her shoulder at more “favoured” or seemingly exciting groups then she is not going to make friends, because no one, especially people who are a bit socially awkward, are going to bother to pursue friendship with someone who they sense is only tolerating their company because she hasn’t had a better offer. To make friends you have to show interest in them, talk to them, sometimes dig deep to find the common ground.

I suspect she found school friendships easy because schools are relatively small places, you are with the same people for much of the day, you have shared experiences, you walk home together or go on the same bus, you meet up at weekends, and see each other constantly, you have shared topics of conversation about people and events that you both know. It is very different at a big university where everyone has very different experiences to bring to the room.

Sorry your DD is unhappy. There will be very sociable people there, its just tracking them down.

My DD is there and very sociable - but she rows every morning and has some kind of social event every night pretty much. I think some of the social events are linked to rowing. You don't need to be sporty to start rowing there and its worth considering giving it a go. It gives her an activity every morning, rowing camps in the holidays, rowing social events and competitions around the country and she earns money from it. She had not rowed before Oxford though was sporty. A lot of the rowers are work hard / play hard types.

DD also invites friends from school to the dinners sometimes.

There will also be loads of other societies - I was at Cambridge years ago and my college was quite dull. You can't change college but I did university wide activities - gymnastics, swimming, helping a charity that supported women in the local women's refuge, politics, also member of Cambridge Union but only to watch odd debate and wasn't that keen. There were loads of university wide activities and every interest under the sun. Obscure sports can be an easy way to find people as you need no skills. You also did not need to be very good at a sport with some sports to be in the university level club.

Another thing she could do is have a party in her room, assuming that's still allowed these days. Just invite 30 people or so for some random reason. We used to do that and you get to meet people. There's the balls on soon, obviously expensive, and there will also be students crashing or trying to crash these. There was also a lot of celebrations after exams - trashing I think its called where they jump in the river etc.

@MyPearlPoster I’m sorry your daughter is struggling at the moment and it must be hard to feel this as her mother. I think lots of people who go to Oxford can feel a bit overwhelmed or isolated for different reasons. As someone who had no school friends there, I initially thought that those who did seemed so confident as they already had an established network. For some (not all) though this limited the friendships they made in college a bit as they didn’t invest as much there so they started out seeming to be ahead socially, and ended up a bit on the fringes. Not saying this is your daughter.

Like others, I’d recommend lectures, clubs and societies. Your daughter has very limited compulsory contact hours but humanities and arts students are actually supposed to attend lectures on top of this, it’s just that they’re not prescribed like in science courses (and many don’t really do it, or didn’t in my day!). As she’s coming to the end of her first year now, can I suggest any or all of the following?:

1. Asking someone from her course in her college to go to some lectures with her before the end of term. Maybe coffee after? Make a habit of this next year.
2. Make a habit of asking her tutorial partner for coffee or tea or cake etc after a tutorial (assuming they’re nice enough).
3. Suggest to someone she knows a bit that they meet up in the holiday (e.g. a day out in London if you’re near enough, or a gig). This might help her to feel on more even footing for next year.
4. Get involved in committees/groups welcoming freshers next year - this usually involves coming up to Oxford a bit early, obviously working with others etc. Linked to this, maybe stand for the JCR committee next year - ours had some serious as well as a number of lighthearted positions and not all required lots of work, but it puts you at the heart of college.
5. Definitely, definitely try out a few clubs and societies. There are so many in and outside colleges, and many don’t require you to be ‘good’ at something. In fact, a lot of the fun and camaraderie often comes from people being quite bad at things - American Football comes to mind for me. Rowing isn’t for everyone but it does give you an automatic social group of seven other people. Can you make an agreement with her that she will try out three new things before the end of term, and three more things in freshers’ week next year (the latter not being just for freshers but anyone who wants to join something new)?
6. As others have said, seek some pastoral support.

That's a shame! Can she get involved in a club or society and then she can meet people beyond her college? They won't all be super serious/ high level. She shouldn't feel it has to be in something she already has experience in. I wish her luck.

Why doesn’t she apply to another university? It is ok to not like Oxford!