DD Miserable at Oxford Uni

[MyPearlPoster]

So DD is in her first year studying history at Oxford. She has come from a very prestigious secondary in London, where she thrived and had lots of amazing close friends, some of whom are at Oxford now too. From the start she has found it all really challenging socially, calling or messaging in tears that she hasn't found her people and feels alone in her college which seems to be rather unsociable, unfriendly and 'nerdy'. Spending time with friends from home there helps, but she says everyone seems to have a core friend group within their college, where they've all found likeminded people to eat/hang out/study with - I think she feels somewhat like the odd one out for being lonely in hers. It doesn't help that her friends at other unis, many in the US, are having the time of their lives, calling with exciting stories and posting pictures of new friends - she really feels as though she is majorly falling behind. I have told her multiple times that it takes time and that she would regret leaving Oxford but it also kills me to see her so unhappy. Academically she is doing pretty well, but not thriving perhaps as she used to, and finding it difficult to concentrate and focus because of constant anxiety etc. She is speaking to a therapist and taking a low dosage of anxiety meds which have been recommended. I think part of it is the lack of structure of it all - she was used to having a big but very tight group of supportive friends who she felt very at home with, and as a family we are all very close too. With her humanities course she hardly has any contact hours and all people in her college seem to do is study...she keeps saying it's not that Oxford is wrong for her but her college specifically but there seems no chance of moving...I know people will say to get involved with extracurriculars and she does journalism which she enjoys but finds everyone there is more of a loose acquaintance network. Apart from this, she was never particularly sporty or into music and other than those activities everyone's social lives do seem to revolve around their colleges...she makes an effort with friends of friends etc but feels afloat generally and is often lonely.

It is awful feeling homesick or lonely but hobbies are a good way to find and or test out a few tribes! You don’t need to be sporty to join a sports club. They have non sporty roles plus beginner teams, many of whom sign up for the group spirit than to be good at sport! Plus clubs for everything from pottery, to Quidditch! What societies or hobbies did she have at school? That could be a place to start. It may also be worth considering that she may have been in the same situation wherever she went to uni, sometimes things can take time. Social media of course doesn’t help as everything always looks greener on the other side!

Takes time

I know this is hard, for both her and you. But it sounds like she has had an easier ride than many at school, always having a group of close friends with perhaps minimal effort (that is not a criticism).
This difficult year is the sort of situation where personal growth happens that can stand her in good stead for the rest of her life. The way she copes and the strategies she employs to change how things are for her, will be ones she can fall back on time and again when life has other 'not easy' phases.
She will also develop empathy for others struggling that she might not have had so much (however 'nice' she is). These things she will realise with hindsight; they are never easy when you are going through them.
I hope by this time next year, she'll have found her place. Many of us don't find our tribe until later in life. I hope she can be persuaded that that is in fact more normal and she is not truely out of step with everyone else. (Still appreciate it's hard for you both though)

This is exactly why many parents spend hours and hours forcing their kids to try all different sports and hobbies - because when they move out of home they have an instant new friendship group when they join their sports club / choir etc.

She needs to try a few different clubs.

She does sound a little as though shes expecting you to solve this problem for her. Id suggest being lightly sympathetic and asking her what she's going to do about it then being very positive about whatever she suggests. At the moment it sounds like you're in a dynamic where you suggest things and she shoots them down.

And I'd drop the "you'd regret it if you left" . Maybe she would, maybe she wouldnt but she's all grown up now so its her decision to make.

What did she do after school or at the weekends at her very prestigious London school? Surely that's the starting place. Orchestras, jazz clubs, dance societies, choirs are all there. Even if she doesn't feel brave enough to start now, in the middle of her prelims, it would be easy to give things a go in Oct.

That was going to be my suggestion too. Most of my friends weren’t from my college, but the people I met volunteering with Nightline are still some of my closest friends (in fact we’ve just booked a trip together with our families).

I really struggled in my first year (I went to a state comprehensive so I was the only one from my school there, and it felt like everyone else already knew people). But once I started doing more specialist modules I met people outside of my college, and I also signed up to do activities I was interested in. The more people she meets the more likely she is to find her group.
I also knew plenty of people who had friends from school, and spent their whole time with them and the friends they met through their college or activities.

Also, a lot changes in year 2 when you move into houses. She might get closer to the people she lives with. It’s a less intense social environment so relationships naturally shift. People do start to spend more time with friends from their course/activities rather than just sticking to the college bubble.

I had a very similar experience! I considered transferring to another university and got as far as emailing about it, so was quite seriously unhappy. Honestly, I never settled and found my people. I always felt mostly like an outsider socially. I don't look back on my time at Oxford particularly fondly because most of my memories are of being on my own and sad.

Even given that, I would strongly advise your daughter NOT to leave. And probably not to ask for rustication either - honestly that usually just kills your momentum and increases anxiety. And it can feel even more awkward, being a year below the people you started with. It can work for some but I really think it's generally better to stick it out.

Your daughter has a lot going for her that I didn't: it sounds like she's quite socially adept and outgoing, as well as being a middle class Londonder. It's also 2026 and colleges are generally pretty good at helping students with this stuff now. I was an undiagnosed autistic working class northerner a couple of decades ago in a very posh college, and quite socially clueless. I also had a boyfriend outside of uni and retreated into spending all of my time with him instead of putting myself out there again (after having tried and felt rebuffed a few times).

I really think she will find her people, maybe via university societies as others have said. A lot of friendships get properly established in second year - the first year is all a bit of a blur. Even in the worst case scenario that she doesn't make many friends for life, she's a third of the way through already. And an Oxford degree is worth it. It's a cliche but I have found it to open so many doors in my career over the years, and I do feel proud that I "made it" and got the degree. It's a unique experience. Even finding it as difficult as I did, I still did come out of it with some friends and connections. And honestly, I've made plenty of great friends since. University isn't the be-all and end-all for meeting your lifelong friend group.

I'm very happy I stuck with it. It really is a great university - I've been at a few since as a student and staff and the academic experience isn't one you're likely to find anywhere else, so it's worth staying for that alone.

Like others on here, I found rowing a really good way of establishing friendships - in a big college, there should be enough people in the boat club that you don’t have to be particularly competitive or good at sport to take part in it and really enjoy it (in fact, the less good you are, the more fun you can have with it - you can join in with the boat club dinners and cheering on the better crews without having to torture yourself physically with as much of a training commitment!). There is nothing quite so good at giving you a sense of belonging towards your own college as rowing in an eight and cheering your college on, or taking part, in bumps and eights week down by the river, imvho.

I made most of my college friends through rowing, then being invited back to friends’ rooms after an outing and meeting their friends, and friends of their friends. The novelty of learning a sport with new people made it a particularly good way of establishing yourself in college, imvho - far better than trying to join in with a sport everyone did before at school, which would tend to attract people who were already good at that sport, rather than people wanting to try something different just for the fun of it. One of my ds’s, who is astonishingly bad at sport or anything physical generally, nevertheless joined his college boat club and loved it and made friends that way, which is enough proof for me that college rowing is clearly not as competitive as other sports societies can potentially be at Oxford.

In all honesty, I think people at Oxford and Cambridge sometimes back themselves into unnecessary corners by perceiving the environment around them to be so intense and competitive that they don’t realise it’s actually OK not to take yourself too seriously, and that being seen not to take yourself too seriously can make you seem more likeable and approachable. A fair bit of the “Oxford is full of nerds” issue is, imvho, lots of people being too scared to let their guard down and then blaming everyone else for seeming to be unapproachable, without realising that’s exactly how they are coming across themselves.

Just adding to the voices saying that friends will come with time and this feeling is more common than she thinks. No harm at all in spending time with her pre-existing friends. My school friends who were at Cambridge with me (different colleges) were a lifeline at various times as it’s always good to have a break from the new crowd even if you do have one.

I was lucky in that I made friends with all the girls from my subject cohort - we did group study/reading sessions together at the start which really bonded us, but my closest friends were from different colleges, who I met through a hobby. Also met my husband through the same hobby - he was in the year above. Thinking about it, most people seemed to cling to the people who lived near them in first year, so I get it if your Dd doesn’t have a good group there, but by second year everything had shaken up as so many have said.

Also it won’t feel like this now, but this kind of experience and adversity will be an excellent learning experience for later life.

I know after first year it is much more common to hang out with friends from other colleges, so she may find it gets easier next year!

The ones in her college who go off and do their own thing will have joined lots of university societies and be busy attending sessions for those every weeknight/at weekends.
She should go back to Fresher's Fair in September (it is for everyone to sign up to things, not just freshers) and join at least five clubs, and join the mailing list for five more. She can drop any she hates after a couple of meetings but that will be a start! Try dancing, or even the assassins guild...

I went to oxf and had a pretty horrible time, never found “my people” even though everyone said I would. Obv an Oxford degree opens doors and I did enjoy the academic side, but im sad that I don’t have the close group of uni friends that all my friends from school seem to have. I remember in my 2/3rd week thinking “I hate this” and then thinking “but I have to stick it out to Christmas” and then it was Christmas it was just bearable enough to do another term. And so on. But I do wonder if would have done better to just accept it wasn’t the right social environment and leave. I did go to a very posh college though so that was def a factor!

Firstly, it's completely normal to speak to your parents/loved ones about your disappointments and concerns. Her daughter is going through a period like that now. It's part of being a member of the human race, there's no requirement to reserve love and advice because a child has left home and this would somehow fall afoul of the 'standing on their own two feet' rules.

Sometimes you really need to hear you are not the first person and won't be the last to experience something/feel a certain way etc.

I'm sure the OP is doing that too, in and amongst these discussions.

She's not offering to email her tutors or drive up to Oxford and book play dates with the other kids via their parents for goodness sake!

One of my daughters seems to have gone through a similar experience, lots of acquaintances and people are friendly, but no feeling of finding her 'tribe' for sure.

What I've found is rather than arguing with her that most people don't have an idealised huge friend group (they don't!) or that people fall out in the second year living together and these groups break up (they do!), it's better to just listen. Hear what she's saying, sound sympathetic, lots of hmmm, or nodding, and just let her offload. Say 'that sounds difficult' because it does. She will then, if my dd is anything to go by, start rationalising and accepting the situation herself or working out strategies on what to do next, or my dd remembered that having two friends is better than no friends.

Sometimes telling them they are 'lucky' when they don't feel it doesn't help, she has to make sense of what's happened this year and how she might change next year and this kind of active listening where you don't argue back and don't find solutions can help, even just for her to feel you understand.

There's plenty of things she could do to change things, but she has to come to that realisation herself.

I went to Durham 25 years ago. Also collegiate and quite stifling, although teaching is uni-wide.

I found having contacts outside of uni invaluable for getting perspective. For me that was church and church groups, although others helped out with Brownies, went horse riding and helped muck out, went bell ringing. Basically, anything not uni-organised. In my final year I was in a non-student house share.

I also went to uni clubs, but went for more niche things not connected to my course. Improvised comedy was one. A friend would sign up for a completely new skill every term, from rifle club to belly dancing.

And once I grew in confidence, I started setting up groups.

If she is willing and able to spread her net further and try out things she hasn’t yet done, it might help her feel less isolated. And meet more people.

Funnily enough, neither of my children found friends at 6th for college of Uni. One has his school friends, the other a lovely gang of work mates/hobby mates.

Any chance she is interested in cheer. The Oxford sirens are a brilliant group of girls and you really don’t have to be a talented dancer to join. They are very social and cross college.

I went to Oxford a long time ago now, but I think the not-fitting-in-at-your-college issue is age-old! I didn't. I went to a comprehensive school and it felt like no-one else there had, and I was a weird leftie with a chip on her shoulder (to be fair, I was, a bit). I never really developed a friendship group in college, but there was one person I'd met before university at a different college, and so I found a group of friends through her. By the end I was pretty much an honorary member of their college, and over 25 years later, they are my "forever" university friends. So please reassure your daughter that it really isn't true that everyone has their college group, and it is perfectly OK to go and find your friends elsewhere. I actually look back on it as a positive, as it probably meant I worked a bit harder and did a bit better than I would have done if my best mates had been on my doorstep.

Similar experience, minus the prestigious school bit. It was daunting. There’s some good advice on this board, but she needs to push herself. Back in the day we weren’t living in a carefully curated SM world, which probably adds to the pressure. She’ll get there.

I would highly recommend joining a society or sports team and committing to having friends at other colleges, or rowing/college choir/something very college-y and go all in even if she's a bit like warm on the activity. Also go to the pastoral people in college (sub deans etc).

Also does she have college parents IYKWIM?

Tell her to sign up to be a college ambassador and to go any volunteer jobs she can. She will get paid to be an ambassador, it’s a few hours over a couple of days but she will meet the other ambassadors. Also suggest that she gets in touch with her pastoral care person at her college; they will have lots of good advice. She will definitely get through this. Oxford can be awkward but equally wonderful.

I was almost exactly the same! Did not fit in at all in my posh and very traditional college. Ironically it had marketed itself as modern and friendly, but it wasn't and I ended up having many more friends, and a boyfriend, at the much grander, supposedly more old-fashioned college across the road - which was actually much more informal and friendly.

I met people through special interest clubs, friends of friends, volunteering. One of my best uni friends to this day was someone whose ad I answered to do a volunteering thing.

I also took a year off between first and second year which is a bit drastic, but they let me do it so if she's really unhappy that might be an option.

I had a similar background to your daughter and also went in very excited to a collegiate prestigious uni.

I knew from the first day that it was a terrible mistake, and by the end of the week I was so anxious it was making my throw up. I left on day 6, and did have a pretty miserable gap year but then reapplied to unis that seemed more ‘me’ in terms of my personality rather than my academic ability.

I was terrified the same thing would happen again, but it was absolutely brilliant, I loved every second of my 3 years there and have many lifelong friends as a result.

it’s nearly 20 years since then, and not one day has passed where I regret my decision, nor do I think having a less well renowned uni on my CV has held me back in the slightest, I have a very successful career now.

What I would have certainly regretted is to look back at uni as a miserable endurance test rather than some of the best days of my life.

if it hadn’t been for my mum making it completely clear that I had her full support if I decided to leave, I think I would have felt that I had to stay and suffer silently. You sound like a lovely caring mother, if you haven’t already please tell your daughter this explicitly so she knows she is safe to make whatever decision feels right. Everything happens for a reason, and whatever she decides to do it will all work out ❤️ best of luck to her for the future.

I didn't go to Oxford and appreciate it is a really unique place. However, when I went to uni I was given halls which were in the town when it was a campus uni. It was about an hour on the bus. I just didn't get on with anyone in my halls. They were OK but no one I really clicked with. It felt very underwhelming. In the second year I made friends with a group a friend of mine from 6th form college lived with and it suddenly made sense! I never did make friends with people in my halls--but it didn't matter because I had friends. I am still friends with that group 40 years later, and my friend who introduced us all is sadly no longer in touch. Really you just need a couple of people you click with; I imagine its harder now in the digital age as you are probably bombarded with images of peopel having the best time to make things worse.