DD Miserable at Oxford Uni

[MyPearlPoster]

So DD is in her first year studying history at Oxford. She has come from a very prestigious secondary in London, where she thrived and had lots of amazing close friends, some of whom are at Oxford now too. From the start she has found it all really challenging socially, calling or messaging in tears that she hasn't found her people and feels alone in her college which seems to be rather unsociable, unfriendly and 'nerdy'. Spending time with friends from home there helps, but she says everyone seems to have a core friend group within their college, where they've all found likeminded people to eat/hang out/study with - I think she feels somewhat like the odd one out for being lonely in hers. It doesn't help that her friends at other unis, many in the US, are having the time of their lives, calling with exciting stories and posting pictures of new friends - she really feels as though she is majorly falling behind. I have told her multiple times that it takes time and that she would regret leaving Oxford but it also kills me to see her so unhappy. Academically she is doing pretty well, but not thriving perhaps as she used to, and finding it difficult to concentrate and focus because of constant anxiety etc. She is speaking to a therapist and taking a low dosage of anxiety meds which have been recommended. I think part of it is the lack of structure of it all - she was used to having a big but very tight group of supportive friends who she felt very at home with, and as a family we are all very close too. With her humanities course she hardly has any contact hours and all people in her college seem to do is study...she keeps saying it's not that Oxford is wrong for her but her college specifically but there seems no chance of moving...I know people will say to get involved with extracurriculars and she does journalism which she enjoys but finds everyone there is more of a loose acquaintance network. Apart from this, she was never particularly sporty or into music and other than those activities everyone's social lives do seem to revolve around their colleges...she makes an effort with friends of friends etc but feels afloat generally and is often lonely.

Sadly there is no running away from this as friendships in the adult world are always going to be different than what she had at school. University at least has the benefit of lots of societies and people in the same boat, so it's a good place to practice that skill.

As someone who graduated from Oxford I would say without hesitation move to another university after giving this a go. My first impressions over the first term or two were similar (though I did have a complex background leading to social difficulties which I won't go into here, but which would have impacted me anywhere). When I look back I try not to be "sour grapes" as of course there were high points, I got a good degree, but overall I often wonder if I had been elsewhere instead of enduring those years of social difficulty, social intensity, at the same time as the academic intensity. Who knows? It just didn't do me any favours and I'm no longer in touch with any of the people I met there.

Kids can be lonely and take a while to find their feet wherever they are. Leaving and going elsewhere will not necessarily make things better.

I have to say though, I know of 3 of my kids' friends who are miserable at Oxford (not all freshers either) and the pastoral support has been pretty poor. One of those kids is doing a humanity like yours OP, and has 2 contact hours a week (two!!) - my own DC is at St Andrews doing a humanity and has 15-20 contact hours a week (more than a science subject at some unis). I think this encourages MUCH more engagement in the course and also much more time with 'subject' friends - with 2 contact hours a week, its a lot harder to meet those people, particularly if you are in a small college/halls. In addition, Oxbridge terms are so short and intense that it can exacerbate existing social difficulties.

Might she consider trying out a student church? She doesn’t have to be religious to go along and join social events and she’s likely to find a really close knit community there. I appreciate church is not everyone’s cup of tea!

From my experience, all the first year university friendship groups fell apart by the second year. Making solid friends takes time. Everyone who thought they were “besties”‘ in the first few weeks and months fell out or drifted in second year.

Tell your daughter to just keep going, I know how hard it is. It’s daunting having to put yourself out there but she will find her people.

One thing I felt when I went to Uni was that it wasn’t instantly the hyper social situation that I expected it to be. It was also very different and a change.

I think it’s almost summer and she will be older when she goes back after.

Well, perhaps a life lesson there? Sometimes we feel lonely, something like that. We have to accept it. We shouldn’t throw away everything to avoid feeling lonely. “But everyone else”… I started to think what I’d say to my child in this case, I’d probably say that most people are below the poverty line and for “everyone” but a few hundred people a year Oxford is an unreachable dream. Everyone is dying of wars and poverty.

I think I would be trying being more honest with her acquaintances if she feels they could be friends - "ah I haven't really clicked with people at my college so I am always glad of an invite if you have plans you could involve me in" or whatever. It's a bit radical and out there feeling, but I made some of the best friends I have by literally turning up at a group and being really up front that I was there to try and make new friends.

It sounds as though she is looking at social media posts from former friends and believing that the pictures reflect a golden period for them, which she isn't experiencing, (and which may or may not be true). Talking to someone about her expectations and how to manage her disappointment will help. She may need to consider that what she feels she is missing doesn't actually exist, and learn that moving away and learning new things and building new relationships is something that needs work, and won't just come looking for her.

I totally get it. I never found my tribe either. In my case it wasn’t case of wrong college realty - although I think I’d have been happier at Wadham - it was a case of me struggling to match my very high expectations with reality that I didn’t fit in very well.

It is really positive that she’s talking to youZ I never confessed to my mum how lonely I was!

The short terms are intense and a lot of people throw themselves into study. With history, you would usually depend on your subject peer group to be around for lunch or a chat mid afternoon as you’re often taking tutorials in college together, or attending core lectures together.
Often there seemed to be absolutely no one around!

Does she attend lecture series? She is allowed to go to any lectures and it gives you some purpose and structure. She sounds relatively outgoing - she could just beeline someone or an couple of likely looking people and talk to them, invite them for a drink at her bar or a coffee at her room or a cafe or a walk or anything! They can always blank her later and she might find if she reaches out she has some good luck that way.

Eventually I did make friends, and those friendships did stick, but they were not my people, and I was always sad that I’d didn’t leave uni with a gaggle of friends to claim for the rest of my life.

I feel for your daughter. Sometimes things just don’t click or don’t click quickly. Seeing things work out seemingly easily for other doesn’t help. And when you are at a low ebb it’s hard to muster the energy and guts to be bold about putting yourself out there. For a fictional
account see ‘Normal people’!

I went to the other place, humanities subjects and sometimes envied the structure of natural scientists as it brought informal contact and camaraderie which then easily moved to friendship. I was also in a year with few females, so although I had male
friends and I was ok with that, I did feel I was missing something. That corrected itself second and third year. I started rowing second year as I figured I would then at least meet 7 females in the year below.

A part time job worked for me. I found my uni network there.

I agree. This isn't a spoilt, unaware, handed everything on a plate person. She's clearly very gifted but lonely and missing her past life. She feels pressures she has never felt before.

The OP is realistic, rightfully concerned, kind.

To be honest, this woman, this young woman sounds like a really decent person who is struggling a little, maybe a lot. She actually needs reminding how impressive she is....

I loved university. But I was lucky...

Thus girl hasn't had the luck yet... That's all it is. Wish there were more young people like her though. She sounds great really.

One of those kids is doing a humanity like yours OP, and has 2 contact hours a week (two!!)

I work at Oxford. I guarantee this isn't true. 2 hours of tutorials a week is likely. 2 hours including lectures etc. will not be true, apart from during certain periods. If they choose not to attend lectures, or watch them online, that's up to them. But they will be offered.

Can she sign up for the open days and freshers week welcome events? These are a good chance to broaden your friendship groups as there's a lot of hanging around at tables in quads as you wait for the next batches to take around on tours & a perfect opportunity to chat about everyday stuff.

DD's bedtime friends came from her sports clubs and were almost all from other colleges. She tended not to go to hall much as it was during the covid years when it was harder to queue and sit with others.

There isn't a magic fairy waving a wand and making you BFF just because you live on the same staircase. Your DD may not see it this way, but she is very lucky to have friendships across different colleges. In DD's first term her college master wanted to be introduced to the PPEist from (famous place name) boys school. She could tell he was disappointed to find that she was actually a girl who had happened to be state educated at a school he had never heard of vaguely close to it.

My daughter from a state grammar school also always felt she didn’t fit in at Oxford. She stuck it out and came home at weekends. She graduated with a 2:1 , but doesn’t look back on her university days with any great joy.

Congrats on getting to Oxford, that is first. Otherwise - nothing to do with Oxford, tell her she can be just as isolated in any other university, living away, only without the good fortune of being at one of the most prestigious institutions ever. Tell her to stick with it and in the new academic year adopt a new strategy for meeting people, i.e. societies, clubs, conferences, anything! It is always more difficult in year 1!!!!

When I was at university we were given literature that said it was really really common for first years to get depression just because of the huge change from having a structured home and school life to having much less structure at university.

It sounds as though that is what you are saying is happening, because of the very low contact hours.

I wondered if there is any way that she could ask her tutor to find her more stucture?

When I was at university one of the professors in my department let me work in his lab pretty much non-stop for my whole undergraduate degree. Perhaps if she explains that this is what she needs, they might find her some more contact hours or structure?

Mother of recent Oxford grad DD. She became sporty at Oxford, by rowing, learning from scratch. It's a big time commitment with lots of early mornings, but it would help your DD form more friendships in her college. If she is drawn to the Christian faith or is a Christian, St Aldate's has a thriving student community but with families and older adults worshipping there too, so not steeped in the University.

And a snippet from my own experience at London University. I felt like a fish out of water in my first year, for a whole range of reasons, and spent a lot of time by myself in libraries. When I returned for my second year, everything just fell into place and the friendship group I had yearned for the previous year fell into my lap. It's a big transition, home to university, especially if you're from a close family.

Tupo

I never particularly felt as if my college worked for me and used to look at other colleges with some envy. But I think that in part it's that I'm not a 'group' person - I always sort of pick off the people I really like out of a group and find that forced homogenity doesn't really work for me. In a big group there are always people you like more than others and I'd just rather be with them.

I was there a long time ago but it seemed like 75% of people were happy in their college and that was where their friends were. And the other 25% wanted to a broader sea to fish in - almost like there was an abstract college filled with those who didn't feel they fitted in their own.

I have lots of friends generally but I've always had this romanticised hankering for a group who meet every week and are close-knit and you don't have to organise everything individually. Then I met my husband's uni friends who were like that - they're a nightmare. It's so claustrophobic and they can be so boring going over 'that time when we got really drunk/someone fell over/romantic disaster' anecdotes. I've belatedly realised that I'm never going to be the sort of person who goes on group holidays in enormous villas!

[DH has this loathing of the phrase 'my tribe'. One of ours is always saying she hasn't met her 'tribe' when in fact I'm not sure if it exists and creates unreasonable expectations.]

My nephew struggled in first year. They let him repeat his first year and he was much happier. He was on an OU bursary as a talented orphan and had come from a very modest background. He found the culture and feeling everyone was established overwhelming. He’s about to graduate (with an 1st) and absolutely loved his time there. Bit it wasn’t what he expected or what he already had experienced. Just took him a while to settle.

I went to Oxford and never really found my people there either. My college was very public school (this was ages ago) and 80% men in my year.

It’s the only part of my life I haven’t retained close friendships from.

Got on with people but no real close enduring friendships. Also had a terrible heartbreak situation that could have completely floored me.

In the end I just thought, well I’m here to get a degree so let’s make sure I get my 2:1 and don’t fuck it up!

oh and I have friends from Oxford nearly 40 years on but weirdly some of them I wasn't even friends with at Oxford. Our paths collided later and just clicked.

I was thinking that…..
Oxford is full to the gunnels of nerdy people, it’s inescapable. The cool kids are not eating in hall every night that’s for sure.
Did she join the Oxford Union? That was always a good bet for meeting people from all over the

Bless her, it is tough.

My daughter had a similar experience at Bristol (but did a great job covering up how bad it was. Not like your DD's experience but several half-arsed/transient friendships and not particularly close with her flatmates in halls. She'll certainly didn't find her tribe).

She ended up sharing a second year house with three girls who were friends of a friend and looking for an extra person and they have all hit it off, although their 2nd year house was appalling so home based socialising not great.

She's now just finished her third year and is staying on in uni City until the end of her rental contract - she has had an incredible year, worked hard, lots of socialising, made a really good friend volunteering abroad last summer who has been to visit and some fantastic experiences towards her future career.

i would encourage your daughter that it really is worth hanging in there.