DD Miserable at Oxford Uni

[MyPearlPoster]

So DD is in her first year studying history at Oxford. She has come from a very prestigious secondary in London, where she thrived and had lots of amazing close friends, some of whom are at Oxford now too. From the start she has found it all really challenging socially, calling or messaging in tears that she hasn't found her people and feels alone in her college which seems to be rather unsociable, unfriendly and 'nerdy'. Spending time with friends from home there helps, but she says everyone seems to have a core friend group within their college, where they've all found likeminded people to eat/hang out/study with - I think she feels somewhat like the odd one out for being lonely in hers. It doesn't help that her friends at other unis, many in the US, are having the time of their lives, calling with exciting stories and posting pictures of new friends - she really feels as though she is majorly falling behind. I have told her multiple times that it takes time and that she would regret leaving Oxford but it also kills me to see her so unhappy. Academically she is doing pretty well, but not thriving perhaps as she used to, and finding it difficult to concentrate and focus because of constant anxiety etc. She is speaking to a therapist and taking a low dosage of anxiety meds which have been recommended. I think part of it is the lack of structure of it all - she was used to having a big but very tight group of supportive friends who she felt very at home with, and as a family we are all very close too. With her humanities course she hardly has any contact hours and all people in her college seem to do is study...she keeps saying it's not that Oxford is wrong for her but her college specifically but there seems no chance of moving...I know people will say to get involved with extracurriculars and she does journalism which she enjoys but finds everyone there is more of a loose acquaintance network. Apart from this, she was never particularly sporty or into music and other than those activities everyone's social lives do seem to revolve around their colleges...she makes an effort with friends of friends etc but feels afloat generally and is often lonely.

Does she have a personal tutor, as well as academic? I know they can vary a lot in quality and commitment but they should have been helping her settle in.

I also wonder if she's missing out on making connections in college because she has been hanging out a lot with friends from school? Sometimes knowing you haven't got a safety net forces you out of your comfort zone. She has maybe never had to work at friendships before because she has always been popular and in a crowd without really trying. I do feel sorry for her but can only repeat the advice to try out lots of clubs and societies, even for things she's only slightly interested in.

She's in her first year and already on anxiety meds? I'm sorry she's finding it hard and she's not the only one I've known to struggle. Problem is if her friends are split far and wide at other unis even if she came home her friends are unlikely to be there. I would encourage her to try and stick it out until end of first year, to get 1st year credits, then have a rethink about changing courses or unis to be a bit closer to home

This isn’t how it works.

Which college is it?
Very sorry to read this and woukd like to avoid when my dd applies.

op you’ve had great advice here and there’s not much I can add.
i can just say that we’ve just been thorough this with my dd a year ago. Went from lively happy friend group at school to st Andrews - in a flat that didn’t really gel and everyone else seemed to already have their fried groups.

Awful first Xmas didn’t want to go back. 2nd term hard going. Now she’s end of yr 2 and flying. Joined the women in politics group, environment group, made a couple of course friends, did casual netball and it kind of snowballed from there.

your dd will get there. Main advice I can give is to join societies etc because she’s interested, not just to meet people. That way she’s more likely to stick at it, and building friendships takes time.

What about university wide societies? these would allow her to make connections outside of college.

Also what about people from other colleges on her course? Maybe she can find like minded people in lectures and tutorials?

I know lots of people who hated their college and found their people outside from other colleges through hobbies / course interest’s etc

wish her best of luck!

OP has carefully not named the college. One student's experience out of several hundred undergraduates is not a good way of selecting a college. A better starting point would be for your DD to list what she thinks she might like and take advice from the admissions team and her school. I played no part at all in selecting my DD's college as I didn't go to Oxford. Her school suggested it on the basis of a whole range of factors - where we live, the school's relationship with the college, DD's subject.

This is classic Oxbridge FOMO I’ve heard it many a time. Reality is that many other students are having the same panic. In my day it was said that you spend the first year making friends with people that you spend the next 2 years trying to get rid of.

It is true that some people fall in with a bunch of PLUs in their college, while others find themselves stranded in theirs among students they don’t gel with. BUT everyone does make friends in the end - unless they are determined loners.

Teens are quite tribal especially girls and it sounds like she defines herself as part of a group. Whereas loner introvert students don’t have the same panics because they never defined themselves thus.

I’d suggest she stops focusing on groups and instead focuses on accumulating individual friends from different societies, colleges etc. Join every society she can so that when she’s not working she’s out; get into drama - that has a habit of bonding people quickly; join the union etc. And get a bf, or at least date a lot.

There is always the option of a year out, but it really doesn’t sound necessary.

That’s ridiculous it’s very year and personality specific.

My eldest 2dd both went to Cambridge and tbh dd1 didn't love it, though she tried to get involved in things such as organising the May Ball etc. She hasn't really kept in touch with anyone from Cambridge since leaving 13 years ago. I think the fact dd2 went there the year later (albeit the college next to hers) helped but still I don't think she looks back fondly. She got what she needed and that was that.
Dd2 on the other hand graduated 11 years ago and is really close to her Cambridge friends. She sees them all the time eg one got married a couple oweeks ago and basically everyone in her year on her course and a few others were there.

Oxford lecturer here. It is done. It’s called migration and she needs to talk to her senior tutor if she wants to move. I’m sorry to hear she’s so unhappy. Sadly it’s not that unusual. A lot of students are adept at masking it.

Dd3 is going to St Andrews! I hope she'll be okay as it's over 6 hours from home.

Perhaps it would be better to allow your daughter to pick which college she should apply to?

You can't micro manage an adult.

I don’t think it’s unusual to feel a bit adrift in your first year of university, whichever one you go to. You’ve had 7+ years with friends that you grew up with and know inside out and suddenly you have to start again. Of course you aren’t going to gel with new people as much as with old friends because you’ve known them for a few months rather than years. Also tell her to bear in mind that first impressions aren’t always right. The ‘nerdy’ people she’s not prepared to entertain may well be more fun and social than she thinks. Realistically very few people drift into Oxford, most have worked very hard to get there. When they need to work, they work.

Both of my DC went to small colleges and have good friends from there - but those friendships were made from second year onwards.

You have described your DD as ‘social’. She’s not going to magic up a group of friends just like that, but if she tries chatting to people one by one, eg in a lecture or at dinner, she may find that they are nicer than she thinks, and they may also have friends that she gets on with. And eventually they are a group.

I've been teaching at Oxford for over 20 years, in a few colleges, and have never come across undergraduates transferring colleges (except when a college, actually a permament private hall, closed down a few years ago). Most colleges, certainly my current one, would just say no.I don't think it would be considered except in really extreme circumstances eg where two individuals clearly needed to be separated for their welfare. Or, I suppose, if a student was transferring to a different course not offered at their current College (pretty rare). Certainly not just because a student had struggled to make friends.

Sorry OP, have only skim read so far. But will come back to read properly later

Has dd got a got a college mum and dad?

Been in touch with the student welfare team -they often organise low key events such as free snacks/tea & cakes and a chat? Or even pet photo groups

Ditto the Chaplain (sometimes involved with all the above)

I am sorry she feels so bad.

It is very easy to feel that you are the odd one out or missing out.

With any university, there is a massive adjustment to make - you are leaving everything you know behind and having to make a new start without your support network. You’re having to do grown up things like budget and food shop and do your laundry. At the same time, you are really having to learn what it’s like to be an adult learner.

This is magnified at Oxford where it is a little bit sink or swim. There are lots of advantages to the college system, but even the largest colleges can seem a bit incestuous - everyone knows everybody else’s business, and it can seem that everyone else has everything sorted and everyone else is having fun whilst you are lonely.

There’s also the weight of expectation - you’ve worked so hard to get there and then…is this it?!?

in truth, everyone feels that way at times.

It is very possible that people are looking at her as someone who has everything sorted. Particularly if they saw her with her inbuilt group of friends from home. That could be a bit intimidating for those (like me) without connections or a school Oxford tradition.

It’s a stressful time of year as it’s Prelims, so everyone is cramming.

Oh, also, except in the summer, it is always a bit drizzly and damp in Oxford! That doesn’t help the mood.

See how she is after Prelims is over - everyone may be a bit more relaxed and seem less spoddy.

Second year is always better - you’ve got used to how to work, and you’re not worrying about finals.

This is really not unusual at Oxford (probably at any uni!). There will be so many other students feeling this way.

Depending on the college, often the college chaplain and/or welfare person has drop in tea and cake kind of sessions where students who are floating a bit can connect with each other. You don't have to be at all religious.

I don't think she'll be able to change colleges and I am not sure it would be a good idea either. Its nearly the end of term and she'll have a new start in October living with different people, opportunity to join new clubs etc.

I didn't find many people at my college due to it being 80% male and public school but I just viewed it as a place to sleep and have tutorials and did all university based social activities. There will be plenty available. In hindsight I probably should have got involved with college rowing but as I had never rowed and wasn't 6 foot tall I thought I wasn't suitable whereas anyone can give it a go and there's a big social calendar around it. She should have college parents as well - my DD had a somewhat irresponsible mother but a very involved college father. Are there welfare sessions? DDs college has weekly ones with free £3 doughnuts and she goes for the doughnuts. If she's religious there was quite a strong religious community there. If she's political there are lots of university based events for that. Though for mental health sport is great and you don't need to be good at it, infact people may appreciate having someone not good who they don't need to be competitive with.

2nd year of history gives you lots of opportunities to meet new people. In the Further Subject she'll have small group classes (8-10 people from multiple colleges) along with tutes & lectures, same with the Special Subject at the start of 3rd year. Plus you go out to other colleges depending on what you pick for the British & European papers, often having tutes with people from other colleges.

Plus not having exams or coursework that counts towards finals means she can spend more time doing social things. The key is to be consistent in showing up to things. If she wants a stronger group in college, is there an Entz Committee she can volunteer for? They'll be organising college events for Freshers Week as well as bops throughout the year, and it's exactly the kind of consistent group that helps to form friendships. Or the ball committee, it takes all year to plan so again would give her some structure over a long period. College sports teams are also a great option, you don't have to be super sporty, just willing to turn up and have a go & they have all sorts of social events structured round them.

Another vote here for clubs, possibly college rowing? Most college rowing clubs take total novices so you don't have to worry about being judged for not already being good and although it can be a bit time-consuming they are usually very very friendly. An advantage of most sports is they also give you a ready-made network after you graduate, you just sign up at the nearest club for your sport where you live, and you've got a village and a social life almost ready-made.

God forbid anyone tries to learn from someone else's experience.
Short of visiting every college, which would be pretty time consuming, there are few ways to ascertain which college might be suitable. The OP's description of her daughter isn't dissimilar to mine so i askd a question to enable my dd to tske one college out of the equation. As she's up to her neck with AS exams, she's asked me to help with her uni research.

Perhaps you should try to be less rude.

Wondering if your D had any signs of anxiety at her ‘secondary school’? I’m assuming I know the name of it (and it does generate a lot of angst).