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Education

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A teacher smacked my child

263 replies

Xmumof3xo · Yesterday 21:29

I really need some advice I’m in the uk
My son is 7 he has a diagnosis on dyspraxia, he’s going for a ADHD and autism assessment..
So today I picked him up from school, he was quite upset, he has said his class teacher has smacked him on his hand twice, quite hard and it has really upset him, he was messing with some building cubes and the teacher became angry at him and did a “cross face”.
I have rang the school, I am really angry about this.
The school office said “I don’t see that happening”, I made it very clear as to why he would lie my son is a big believer in god and he doesn’t like lying, the head teacher came on the phone and said she’s going launch a investigation.
After everything that has happened with this school, the constant shouting at him, making him stand in the corridor door and the constant belittling I have no faith in them.
I have done a EHCP as the school has refused it 4 times, I have already changed his school as he’s constantly being bullied, he came home with horrific injuries in his old school and now the teachers are bullying him. Please help me, I am close to homeschooling him but he has made it clear he loves going to his friends and loves his routine, who else can I go to, I’m so scared of making his life harder at school but this can’t go on anymore, I am fuming, I’ve had so many meetings about the behaviour of his teachers, they say he’s “too sensitive”. Everything calmed down until today, but this time she has physically hurt my child and I ain’t letting it slip, he is not going school tomorrow until I am happy about the outcome of this “investigation”

OP posts:
Kokonimater · Today 00:54

Telling small children that a lie is a key to the devils door? Omg. What awful indoctrination is this. What a horrible school. Remove him - that is toxic!

snowfire1 · Today 00:57

From my experience a slap never done a child much harm except teach them a bit of discipline and manners, maybe if they still got slapped in school they wouldn't be running riot around at he place with no respect for authority,
I'm from a different planet to these modern sissies but I'll tell you this if you don't teach them manners and respect you are making a rock for your own back and societies as well down the line and you are doing the child no favours either by mollycoddling them.

strawberryandtomato · Today 00:58

You can do a report to LADO- this happened to me but by a colleague because I put my arm out in front of a child to stop him harming another child. There was an investigation. It got thrown out and the school actually got into trouble after my statement. Anyway, I digress. But parents can make a referral too. LADO ensures it’s done fairly (I was very glad they were involved actually- a very corrupt private school)

VariousPears · Today 01:05

Xmumof3xo · Yesterday 22:15

No he won’t lie as it’s a catholic school, they have said a lie equals a key to the devils door, there is so much to this, I’ve just asked for help over this, not a 3rd degree and making out my child is the problem. I am well aware on what my son is like and I just needed to know how to handle this better

I am Catholic, with 2 kids in a Catholic school, but why on Earth are you sending your kid to a school that teaches them anything about the devil? Mistake #1.

IdaGlossop · Today 01:12

snowfire1 · Today 00:57

From my experience a slap never done a child much harm except teach them a bit of discipline and manners, maybe if they still got slapped in school they wouldn't be running riot around at he place with no respect for authority,
I'm from a different planet to these modern sissies but I'll tell you this if you don't teach them manners and respect you are making a rock for your own back and societies as well down the line and you are doing the child no favours either by mollycoddling them.

You do remind me of my grandma, born 1887. My dad, on coming into the room to find my 2-year old brother crying because granny had smacked him: 'What's he done?' Grandma: 'Nothing but it's good for him.'

Muffinmam · Today 01:12

Report to the Police. This is assault and witnesses need to be questioned.

IdaGlossop · Today 01:14

Muffinmam · Today 01:12

Report to the Police. This is assault and witnesses need to be questioned.

Talk about jumping the gun. As yet, the evidence is sparse.

ForeverTheOptomist · Today 01:16

I'm not sure how much help I can be here OP, but I will say that I believe you too.

I have thee children, one with pretty serious special needs, one with a brain the size of a planet (her twin), and my beautiful son, who only sees the good in people. He is a gentle giant.

I have moved him twice, and not for attacks by a teacher, but from another students in the first case. In primary school, he was frequently physically attacked by a boy who had serious problems and was violent. One week I was called into school 3 times because of the injuries that my son had sustained. When he came out on the 3rd day, he had bite marks on his face just under his left eye. My son had tried to include him, as was advised and instructed by the teachers.

I moved him. But the point that I am making is that in education they look after themselves. The Head tried to tell me that this boy who had repeatedly attacked my son (and they couldn't have paper scissors, pencils out because this child wanted to stab people with them) was absolutely fine, not realising that I had been given damning information about him by the teachers. What I'm also getting at is that the Head told me that if he off-loaded this violent child, he'd get another sent to him who would be 'worse'!!

You go with your gut. If you can find a primary school that will be gentle with your child, do it.

I'm probably not being much help. I hope that you can find a way forward.

LBFseBrom · Today 01:18

abathofmilkwithladydi · Yesterday 22:19

There is no way a teacher hit your son. This simply didn’t happen.

What planet are you on? Teachers are human, they make mistakes.
........
Regarding children lying, they do embroider things and fantasise out loud, especially when they are small. That is normal. I remember doing it myself.

However saying a teacher hit him does not sound like a lie to me.

WaryHiker · Today 01:19

"The school office said “I don’t see that happening”, "

That's pretty worrying as an intitial response.

Thepossibility · Today 01:28

My two children that have autism are VERY sensitive to the faces and voice/tone of the teachers at school. They report to me that the teachers are shouting all day and tbh if I went in all guns blazing at their recollection of events I'd look a right tit. Over time I've realised they are just sensitive and because we aren't a shouty household they really take things to heart. Even when the teacher is talking sternly to another student that has nothing to do with them. I would suggest perhaps the teacher's tone wasn't sweetness and light and she probably tried to knock the blocks out of his hand but please, please take a breath. Have a good think without emotion clouding your judgement.

Maltesers22 · Today 01:32

Whatever the outcome, no good will come of it.

ForeverTheOptomist · Today 01:35

Maltesers22 · Today 01:32

Whatever the outcome, no good will come of it.

I contest this ... worked for us 😎

PollyBell · Today 01:36

If you hate schools so much wouldn't be easier to home school? then you can control everything

Maltesers22 · Today 01:43

ForeverTheOptomist · Today 01:35

I contest this ... worked for us 😎

But if it’s true, it’s awful, and if it’s not true, the teacher would have gone through an investigation.

Mamai100 · Today 01:45

purpleheartsandroses · Yesterday 21:48

None of this makes sense.

You dont "do" an EHCP, you request assessment for an EHCP from the council. It's not up to school. They cannot refuse or accept.

Multiple teachers are bullying him? You can get the odd bad egg in any profession, but multiple teachers bullying him is vanishingly unlikely.

And actually hitting him? In the classroom with witnesses? Again, you get the odd one in any profession capable of abuse, but a teacher actually hitting a child at school is just unrealistic. Behind closed doors, there's always potential for abuse, but in public?

You've already moved your child? How many times? From experience, the children who move schools multiple times because of behaviour and/or bullying have the same thing in common. And it's not the school, teachers or other pupils.

You've had 'so many meetings about the behaviour of the teachers'? What tf does that mean?

All children can and do lie. However, it may seem real/true to them at the time. Like pp said, it could be the teacher moved his hand and he's interpreted that as smacking. A teacher would have to be exceptionally stupid to hit a child in class.

There's such a thing as the bandwagon effect. One person is abusive and it becomes normalised it so others follow suit. It starts slowly and then begins to escalate.
It's not as far fetched as you think. Especially with children with additional needs.
My best friends son is autistic, when he was in reception she knew something wasnt right with him at school.
Her and her husband attached a recoding device to his school bag and what they heard was horrific.
One teacher, one classroom assistant and the head teacher were suspended and all quickly resigned. It was on the news, and my friend was on GMTV as she uploaded the recordings onto YouTube and it went viral. This was at a special school. My friend had desperately tried to get him into that school because she thought it would be a place where teachers were much more tolerant and he'd be treated with kindness.
Ten years on her lovely son is still affected by it.
I believe you OP.

CrazyGoatLady · Today 02:25

rainbows40 · Yesterday 23:14

Well I hold my hands up and say I'm wrong then. Yet in my own lersonal experience as someone with ND, with a child also with ND and a paediatric nurse I have never encountered any such behaviour. Maybe I'm naive, but I would always believe a child first and investigate second.

As a paediatric nurse you'd also know that "ND" isn't something you have because it's not a diagnosis in and of itself.

"Neurodivergence", as I presume you mean here, is an umbrella term that can encompass many different conditions/diagnoses, therefore you can't possibly state that no ND child can lie.

My career was in CAMHS and I was an ed psych, then family therapist, and I can confirm that it's certainly a myth that autistic children can't/don't lie. Some can, and do, for a variety of different reasons. Autistic children may have more difficulty comprehending why adults lie, especially when they tell children not to!

Autistic children may also be more likely to copy the behaviours and phrases of peers, siblings, adults, etc, without the ability to consider context and consequences. This can include lying. I've seen my own DC, both with diagnoses of autism, do this and get caught out because they didn't have the cognitive flexibility to maintain the lie when questioned, whereas a neurotypical child may be more able to anticipate the kinds of questions an adult might ask to test out the veracity of their story. For example, they tell their teacher they didn't do their homework last night because they were feeling ill, but they hadn't thought about what to say about what they were ill with and how to explain why they were too ill to do their homework but well enough to be in school the next day.

Autistic children also may be more likely to engage in confabulation, which isn't the same as lying. Confabulation is essentially the unintended creation or partial creation of a story that fills gaps the child can't remember. Autistic and AuDHD children are more likely to have difficulties processing and comprehending information/instructions, poorer short term memory, and poorer autobiographical memory, so confabulation is the brain's way of creating a coherent narrative, or making sense of an event or series of events that the child has struggled to understand or fully remember from beginning to end. The child will also stick by their own version of events, even when confronted with the truth, and may be able to convince others of their version of events as well, even adults, because the narrative created can sound plausible and realistic. The child's narrative may also contain some things that really did happen or were said as well as some that didn't. Sometimes it's easier to spot as the narrative might be more fantastical. A confabulation is a false belief rather than a lie though and that's an important distinction. Many professionals, including educators, will treat it as if it's lying and it's not. Emotional distress and anxiety can contribute to confabulation because they inhibit the brain's ability to process and remember.

I therefore think in @Xmumof3xo situation that the most likely explanation is there has indeed been some kind of incident in the classroom, but the child's version of events may contain some elements of confabulation rather than outright intentional lying. It's entirely right that the school investigates and takes the allegation seriously, as they should do. It may be possible that the teacher's version of events will be different, as others have said, the teacher may have told the child off and moved the child's hand away or similar. The child may have felt upset/frustrated/humiliated by being told off or redirected, or they might not have understood why. Also, even light touch to a distressed autistic child may feel painful, because they may be overstimulated and be hypersensitive to sensory input while in that state. In the child's mind, therefore, they have been hurt, because it did hurt! I'm autistic and if I'm in sensory overload being touched even lightly feels like hot needles on my skin. But I can process that this is perception, not someone hurting me. A child can't necessarily do that.

I'd go in with an open mind and try to get to the bottom of what's gone on, but initially without making too many assumptions about what may have happened and what the outcome should be.

zebrazoop · Today 02:57

Everybody lies . Have you not watched house?

PunnyPlumPanda · Today 03:19

abathofmilkwithladydi · Yesterday 22:19

There is no way a teacher hit your son. This simply didn’t happen.

If you look at the government website that publishes teacher cases. There’s about 6 a day. Majority are sexually inappropriate teachers. But reading the cases daily you’ll see sadly how very untrue this statement is

PunnyPlumPanda · Today 03:23

abathofmilkwithladydi · Yesterday 22:19

There is no way a teacher hit your son. This simply didn’t happen.

And here we 3rd case down

https://assets.publishing.service.gov.uk/media/69f1dfa32fae53a037096818/_REDACTED__Imo__Kenley_SoS_Decision.pdf

teacher that caused ABH

https://assets.publishing.service.gov.uk/media/69f1dfa32fae53a037096818/_REDACTED__Imo__Kenley_SoS_Decision.pdf

ByCyanMoose · Today 03:37

abathofmilkwithladydi · Yesterday 22:19

There is no way a teacher hit your son. This simply didn’t happen.

You make a great point! Adults never do bad things to children. It simply does not happen.

ByCyanMoose · Today 03:43

snowfire1 · Today 00:57

From my experience a slap never done a child much harm except teach them a bit of discipline and manners, maybe if they still got slapped in school they wouldn't be running riot around at he place with no respect for authority,
I'm from a different planet to these modern sissies but I'll tell you this if you don't teach them manners and respect you are making a rock for your own back and societies as well down the line and you are doing the child no favours either by mollycoddling them.

From my experience, people like you are generally not allowed to work with children anymore. I hope that is true in your case.

Candy24 · Today 03:46

Im really sorry but I dare say your child has lied. I would move schools if things are as you say. Also you sound simply hysterical as a mother to me and I imagine the school is quiet over it. I hope your little boy can find his place. If multiply teachers are "bullying your angel" your angel is probably the problem.

RawBloomers · Today 03:55

OP you're asking what to do, but you've done exactly what you should. You reported it to the school, didn't let the receptionist try to dissuade you and now have the school investigating. For the moment, you can't do anything else. Patience can be hard when it's your DC feeling distressed about a place they spend a significant amount of time, but patience is what you need.

There are some good posts on here detailing how some children can perceive things in a way we wouldn't which are probably worth reading and understanding. It doesn't mean your DS wasn't hit, but if the investigation comes back with a different perspective, it may give you an idea of whether your DS could have misunderstood what really happened or not and, in any case, it's always good to understand how your DC's needs can affect them. Just as the idea that a teacher would never hit a child is obviously not the case, the idea that a child would never give a description of an event that isn't entirely objective or correct is also not a reasonable position to take, even when you know your kid. You need to be open to it being a misunderstanding in some way, though it may well not be.

I think you may also need to try and find some space for yourself to help you relax more. This may not be the case - online is not necessarily a reflection of how you are in real life, but you sound very stressed and while that's understandable, managing that stress so you can be present and calm for your DC is really important for them. Children need their parents to stick up for them and show determination, but visible anger normally scares them, raised voices or repeatedly going over in their hearing is often distressing. So if your DC is seeing any of that, or even if you are just feeling too stressed to sleep well or take the time you need for other things, make a determined effort to destress. Focus on something different. Watch a favourite film or go out with a friend (and don't talk about it!), read a book, go for a walk. If you start thinking about it, tell yourself you've done your thinking for today, you'll think about for X minutes tomorrow at Y o'clock. And start focusing on something else.

When you have your X minutes, make a chronological list of all the incidents that have happened at this school, pull up all the documentation you have of previous reports and collate it or tag it in someway so you can easily pull it up again when you need to. Check out the school's complaints policy so you can check they stick to it. And when your time is up, put everything away and tell yourself you'll think about it again tomorrow at Y o'clock.

The next step is waiting for the results of the investigation. Until you know what they are going to say you're in limbo a bit. I might start to try and get your DS playing with other kids outside of school so his focus isn't entirely on school for socialising because that will be helpful whatever happens.

Good luck with the EHCP process. I'm sorry you've had a hard time on here from some posters with their pedantic griping over terms and lack of empathy for a stressed mother. And I hope DS is feeling better in the morning and has a good day at school.

MadinMarch · Today 04:39

PoppinjayPolly · Yesterday 22:43

I don’t know how you continue in the job @TheLemonLemur .. why you don’t get the drive to say “ok we’re all evil and abusive, best remove your child..”

Eh? @PoppinjayPolly
I'm really struggling to understand how you reached that conclusion from what @TheLemonLemur posted