Page 15 | My son can't get an apprenticeship and is getting violent and moody

WiseHiker · 2025-07-25T14:52:42+00:00

My son is strugling to get an apprenticeship at 20 and his mental health is deteriorating Firstly he is not a bad kid never touched drugs or drink. He was bullied alot in school as he is autistic and he claims because of his hight however despite this he got ok gcses (6s and 7s) And tried alevels however dropped out because of further bullying and because he found the course uninteresting. He then spent around 2 years travelling to see his then girlfriend from Bournemouth At 18 they broke up and he did a pt qualification at level 2, did boxing and got a part time job at a pub after alot of difficulty. However he quickly spiraled into an eating disorder and decided he can't continue down the gym Instructing route. Since turning 19 he's been looking to get an apprenticeship in "anything not behind a desk that pays well" however has had no joy with the exception of an assessment centre .after being told he didn't get the job because his team lost after no one listened to him. he punched one of the people in his team outside the event out of frustration. I have since gotten him anger management and told him this is not acceptable. He is now 20 still looking for one, he has started driving lessons to aid in this however he has become even more moody and withdrawn. He barely sees his friends as they are all working 9 to 5 and he works evenings and weekends. Compounding this I believe could be that his dad is terminally ill with hypertension of the heart. Furthermore earlier this year he started seeing a new girl who within 3 month slept with one of his mates. Currently all he does is apply for jobs and work out for an unhealthy amount of time . I'm not sure how to help him.

Original poster

WiseHiker · 12/08/2025 15:01

NeverDropYourMooncup · 12/08/2025 14:55

I'm sure that will be of comfort to anybody who crosses him by getting a promotion/pay rise, turns him down for a date or simply happens to be taller than him that he's decided it's not worth strangling them when he can just try to get them fired instead.

Show quote history

It's not illegal

OP posts:

Original poster

WiseHiker · 12/08/2025 15:06

PinkCampervan · 11/08/2025 22:36

He needs to lose the attitude that he's owed a second chance at life. And accept that nobody owes him anything. He's wanting the moon on a stick and complaining when he doesn't get it. We all get one life, there's no "dress rehearsal" and it doesn't come with pre programmed second chances. His anger doesn't come from [insert all the excuses you've made for him here] it comes from him not accepting this fundamental fact of life and his sense of entitlement that he thinks he should have more. He has fucked up and now he's going to have to work twice as hard to fix it. Which may involve starting at the bottom and/or doing things he doesn't want to do.

You quoted my previous post a few times asking what I think he should he do. I told you, if you bothered to read it properly - Accept his situation and where he's at. Look for more jobs with more hours in hospitality, study around those job(s) for qualifications in hospitality, turn it into a career if he wants. But suck it up and accept that hospitality is where he's at for now.

People wanting to change careers, which is what he's trying to do at this stage if he wants out of hospitality, have to be prepared to go back to studying and live like a pauper with no social life (because they'll be working in whatever job they can get (McDonald's is always popular with students) when they're not studying).

He needs to accept that he's made himself almost unemployable for the jobs he wants. Why would an employer pay him whatever the NMW is for a 20yr old who's messed up, when they could employ a 16yr old with no issues on a cheaper NMW to do the exact same job? This is the reality of his situation. They're not going to pick him.

He needs to look at the options open to him and stop dismissing them as beneath him.
He could take a level one qualification at college this year and that starts getting his toe in the door for something or other.
He could join the armed forces.
He could embrace hospitality and make that his career.
He could stop pissing about with Indeed and apply to actual companies for actual jobs, with a tailored application for each.
He could walk into an employment agency, discuss his current skills with them, do any assessments they demand of him and see what temp work they could get him alongside his current hospitality job (and he needs to say Yes to anything offered, because he needs to get onto their good side and prove he has a good work ethic, not be a picky PITA about not wanting this job or that job because guess what? That attitude leads to them not calling unless they're desperate and offering majority of the jobs to other people first who they know are more likely to say Yes).
He could apply for seasonal work, they often have quotas for permanent positions which they'll fill from the seasonal workers, so he should make it known to management that he's looking for a permanent job not just money for Christmas.
If he applies for a picker/packer warehouse job he needs to apply as someone wanting a permanent job, not with a view to getting an apprenticeship elsewhere one day or going to college in a year, of course they're not going to want to bother training someone who they know will leave!
He has options. It's no good looking at them and dismissing them all just because they involve going back to scratch for him or won't lead to this illustrious career he thinks he's cut out for.

He needs to forget about all this wanting a good job so he can keep pace with his old mates. That ship has sailed. They didn't fuck up their lives or suffer health issues, they made consistent progress and are now years ahead of him. They're going on holiday without him, they're making jokes about his cheap clothes, he can't afford to socialise with them and he's working when they're off work. It's over, he's a joke to them, he needs to let it go and move on, make new friends. Stop thinking (working class?) people are beneath him and he's going to fall in with a bad crowd. That's choice! Nobody has to fall in with a bad crowd. If the nice people don't want to be friends with him it'll be because of his attitude problem, thinking he's superior, his propensity for blaming others when life doesn't go his way and his aggression. Which is something he can fix (with therapy).

If he wants it badly enough and if he works hard enough and if his health allows (biggie, that one, not everyone's does), then maybe he'll have a good career job one day. His old friends will still have moved on though by the time he arrives in that place. I'm not saying he'll never see them again, but his and their lives have already gone in different directions and their previous closeness has been lost, that isn't something that can necessarily be reversed or that he can "catch up" with.

Actually one of his mates also dropped out of a levels and managed to land an apprenticeship at 18 on solar panels. He also knows of kids who have been arrested landing them

OP posts:

Original poster

WiseHiker · 12/08/2025 15:18

WiseHiker · 12/08/2025 15:06

Actually one of his mates also dropped out of a levels and managed to land an apprenticeship at 18 on solar panels. He also knows of kids who have been arrested landing them

Show quote history

The only difference between him and his mate is that his mate could drive, hence why he is doing lessons, he's willing to go back to college when applications open. And has been applying for jobs what more can he do besides the citb course which he has already paid to do

OP posts:

Original poster

WiseHiker · 12/08/2025 15:20

WiseHiker · 12/08/2025 15:18

The only difference between him and his mate is that his mate could drive, hence why he is doing lessons, he's willing to go back to college when applications open. And has been applying for jobs what more can he do besides the citb course which he has already paid to do

Show quote history

Plus you make it sound like making friends was easy for him. In work the girls apparently call him quasimodo and comes home crying most shifts

OP posts:

Original poster

WiseHiker · 12/08/2025 15:23

He's burned nearly every bridge he has. He's seriously considering the armed forces after his father passes the only issue is he's flat footed and suffers from a host of mental issues

OP posts:

Original poster

WiseHiker · 12/08/2025 15:25

WiseHiker · 12/08/2025 15:23

He's burned nearly every bridge he has. He's seriously considering the armed forces after his father passes the only issue is he's flat footed and suffers from a host of mental issues

We spoke about it last night he's worried about the basic training aspect as if he's yelled at he crys

OP posts:

Original poster

WiseHiker · 12/08/2025 15:26

WiseHiker · 12/08/2025 15:20

Plus you make it sound like making friends was easy for him. In work the girls apparently call him quasimodo and comes home crying most shifts

Show quote history

Even when he was doing boxing he was made fun off to a point the coach recommended I take him out

OP posts:

Needmorelego · 12/08/2025 15:30

WiseHiker · 12/08/2025 14:53

Yes he is already doing that for 8 hours a week in a charity shop as we do not know anyone in the trades

Show quote history

Does he enjoy that?
If yes - which parts?
The sorting? The displays? Serving on the tills?
Several pages back you said he sold some collectables. Is he good at identifying donations that are worth money? Does he know enough to be able to say "this will sell quickly if we display it in a good place"? If he has that skill or initiative he could go further in the secondhand selling sector.
It sounds like he is fixated on getting a trade that must have a apprenticeship in order to do it. But why? Other than the money?
But from what you have said he has/had other interests (collectables, boxing, fitness) - why isn't he using those interests to make his own path?
(also you are unlikely to get volunteering in "the trades" so I am not sure what you meant there)

huuskymam · 12/08/2025 15:33

Could he have a look at the local authority, going in as a general operative in housing/waste management/park/lighting areas. If it's anything like Ireland, the wages aren't great starting off but increase yearly and there are opportunities for in house apprenticeships and promotions

ByGreyWriter · 12/08/2025 15:44

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 12/08/2025 15:59

Vanillazebra · 11/08/2025 21:15

The armed forces, many will teach a skill that he can carry with him afterwards

Mums et seem to think the army is there to take on anyone who is otherwise unemployable. Things have changed since ‘ cannon fodder’, it’s actually quite hard to get accepted for basic training, and harder to pass.

Velmy · 12/08/2025 16:47

WiseHiker · 12/08/2025 14:22

It's how he's always been self centred. All I care is that he doesn't get in legal trouble and gets a good paying job. He's said he's willing to work hard and won't lash out at people he will use words instead. He's never had empathy for people who in his head get in his way or have hurt him. He even found where one of his childhood bullies worked and got them fired from their current job by saying they verbally abused him playing the autism card.

Show quote history

So you care about him having a job, but seem fine with him lying to cause someone else to lose theirs...as long as your son doesn't strangle them instead?

"It's how he's always been" - No, it's how you've raised him. Take some responsibility.

To be completely honest, the more you reply the more I question whether or not this is a wind up. I just can't imagine a decent parent being so blasé about raising a violent, lying scumbag, then making excuses after excuse for his behavior and wondering why nobody wants to employ or be friends with him.

He's such a badman that he's going around instigating violent confrontations with people who wrong him, but he starts to cry everyday because people call him names?

I'm not sure that I'm buying it.

And on the off chance that you are telling the truth, you'll need to come to terms with the fact that people who think and behave the way you say your son does don't end up with nice jobs and lots of friends until they solve their own issues first.

I suspect, if this is true, that you're less concerned with your son's career prospects than you are with the realization that he's going to be your problem long term, and eventually you might be the one he's choking or sucker punching.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 12/08/2025 16:52

WiseHiker · 12/08/2025 15:23

He's burned nearly every bridge he has. He's seriously considering the armed forces after his father passes the only issue is he's flat footed and suffers from a host of mental issues

Because what everybody needs is for him to have access to firearms as well?

Harassment is illegal, by the way.

Original poster

WiseHiker · 12/08/2025 16:58

Velmy · 12/08/2025 16:47

So you care about him having a job, but seem fine with him lying to cause someone else to lose theirs...as long as your son doesn't strangle them instead?

"It's how he's always been" - No, it's how you've raised him. Take some responsibility.

To be completely honest, the more you reply the more I question whether or not this is a wind up. I just can't imagine a decent parent being so blasé about raising a violent, lying scumbag, then making excuses after excuse for his behavior and wondering why nobody wants to employ or be friends with him.

He's such a badman that he's going around instigating violent confrontations with people who wrong him, but he starts to cry everyday because people call him names?

I'm not sure that I'm buying it.

And on the off chance that you are telling the truth, you'll need to come to terms with the fact that people who think and behave the way you say your son does don't end up with nice jobs and lots of friends until they solve their own issues first.

I suspect, if this is true, that you're less concerned with your son's career prospects than you are with the realization that he's going to be your problem long term, and eventually you might be the one he's choking or sucker punching.

Show quote history

I just want my child to get his life back on track. I don't care if he makes others lives worse as long as he doesn't cross the line legally. He's applied for entry level jobs, looked at futher education but none is available. He has very few options available the local colleges don't even do a level 1

OP posts:

Original poster

WiseHiker · 12/08/2025 17:00

Velmy · 12/08/2025 16:47

So you care about him having a job, but seem fine with him lying to cause someone else to lose theirs...as long as your son doesn't strangle them instead?

"It's how he's always been" - No, it's how you've raised him. Take some responsibility.

To be completely honest, the more you reply the more I question whether or not this is a wind up. I just can't imagine a decent parent being so blasé about raising a violent, lying scumbag, then making excuses after excuse for his behavior and wondering why nobody wants to employ or be friends with him.

He's such a badman that he's going around instigating violent confrontations with people who wrong him, but he starts to cry everyday because people call him names?

I'm not sure that I'm buying it.

And on the off chance that you are telling the truth, you'll need to come to terms with the fact that people who think and behave the way you say your son does don't end up with nice jobs and lots of friends until they solve their own issues first.

I suspect, if this is true, that you're less concerned with your son's career prospects than you are with the realization that he's going to be your problem long term, and eventually you might be the one he's choking or sucker punching.

Show quote history

I have made an appointment with his GPS for him what more can I do. Once again we cannot go private so what else am I to do.

OP posts:

TheLivelyViper · 12/08/2025 17:50

WiseHiker · 12/08/2025 17:00

I have made an appointment with his GPS for him what more can I do. Once again we cannot go private so what else am I to do.

Show quote history

Okay good make sure you bring up trying a different antidepressants (or increasing his current dose) and also trying it with a mood stabilisers it may help with his anger and violence. Also bring up his potential othrorexia and disordered eating - ask for a referral back to specialist ED services and for a referral to DBT therapy alongside the CBT, he can at least be on a waiting list for that whilist he starts CBT (mention his attitude of not caring about hurting people unless it affects his life and all the violent outbursts he's had even from years ago please - if he's gets stable he's more likely to stay in a job. You could also mention a more general assesment from a psychiatrist not just a GP, perhaps for a personality disorder or other issues - just to get a more concrete diagnosis and more help as he needs more intervention and also how his ADHD diagnosis is going and the waitlist. I write everything done on a list in lots of detail including past examples - you can even just type it on your phone and show it to the GP.

Original poster

WiseHiker · 12/08/2025 17:53

We are getting him fast tracked due to his father's illness. He's always had problems with basic empathy in his eyes people are obstacles to him and will aways be a problem.

OP posts:

TheLivelyViper · 12/08/2025 17:55

WiseHiker · 12/08/2025 17:53

We are getting him fast tracked due to his father's illness. He's always had problems with basic empathy in his eyes people are obstacles to him and will aways be a problem.

Fast tracked for what exactly? Did you read what I said to ask for? Are you going to? Or do you disagree that he needs more help and intervention? Can you be specific about what you mean please

Original poster

WiseHiker · 12/08/2025 18:18

An adhd diagnosis and 1 to 1 counselling

OP posts:

TheLivelyViper · 12/08/2025 18:27

TheLivelyViper · 12/08/2025 17:50

Okay good make sure you bring up trying a different antidepressants (or increasing his current dose) and also trying it with a mood stabilisers it may help with his anger and violence. Also bring up his potential othrorexia and disordered eating - ask for a referral back to specialist ED services and for a referral to DBT therapy alongside the CBT, he can at least be on a waiting list for that whilist he starts CBT (mention his attitude of not caring about hurting people unless it affects his life and all the violent outbursts he's had even from years ago please - if he's gets stable he's more likely to stay in a job. You could also mention a more general assesment from a psychiatrist not just a GP, perhaps for a personality disorder or other issues - just to get a more concrete diagnosis and more help as he needs more intervention and also how his ADHD diagnosis is going and the waitlist. I write everything done on a list in lots of detail including past examples - you can even just type it on your phone and show it to the GP.

Show quote history

I know that @WiseHiker (that he's getting assesed for ADHD and getting CBT) but I'm not talking about that - that's good but he needs more and you should ask for that. Basically just what I said above the things in bold mainly - CBT is great but won't be enough and he should try psychodynamic therpay or DBT more importantly (he can and should do these at the same time - he needs something more intensive to support him). He also may need new medication - mood stabilisers can be useful for some, I'm not saying definitely do this just bring it up with the GP, along with getting on the waitlist for DBT and a whole psychiatric assesment by a psychiatrist because he needs someone specialised, and he needs a referral back to specialised ED services - or are you not going to do this because you think there's nothing wrong? At the very least bring all of the options I offered you to the GP and push for them to do them along with asking their opinion and anything else. I'm saying to do this alongside the adhd and cbt as he needs more intervention.

Original poster

WiseHiker · 12/08/2025 18:38

TheLivelyViper · 12/08/2025 18:27

I know that @WiseHiker (that he's getting assesed for ADHD and getting CBT) but I'm not talking about that - that's good but he needs more and you should ask for that. Basically just what I said above the things in bold mainly - CBT is great but won't be enough and he should try psychodynamic therpay or DBT more importantly (he can and should do these at the same time - he needs something more intensive to support him). He also may need new medication - mood stabilisers can be useful for some, I'm not saying definitely do this just bring it up with the GP, along with getting on the waitlist for DBT and a whole psychiatric assesment by a psychiatrist because he needs someone specialised, and he needs a referral back to specialised ED services - or are you not going to do this because you think there's nothing wrong? At the very least bring all of the options I offered you to the GP and push for them to do them along with asking their opinion and anything else. I'm saying to do this alongside the adhd and cbt as he needs more intervention.

Edited

Show quote history

I'll tell him to ask for them when he sees the gp on Thursday

OP posts:

PinkCampervan · 12/08/2025 19:24

WiseHiker · 12/08/2025 15:23

He's burned nearly every bridge he has. He's seriously considering the armed forces after his father passes the only issue is he's flat footed and suffers from a host of mental issues

I don't think he'll pass the medical tests then.

If he's being mocked and called Quasimodo then he's schlepping around with a sad-sack face and slumped shoulders. First impressions count, he doesn't want to be walking into a job interview like that. Pilates classes to improve his posture should help. Having a more confident upright posture will make him look like less of an easy victim at first glance, so will help with him being the target for bullying. And sorting out his posture will in itself be one less thing for people to take the piss out of him for.

Velmy · 12/08/2025 19:59

WiseHiker · 12/08/2025 16:58

I just want my child to get his life back on track. I don't care if he makes others lives worse as long as he doesn't cross the line legally. He's applied for entry level jobs, looked at futher education but none is available. He has very few options available the local colleges don't even do a level 1

Show quote history

You'd care if someone made his worse though, presumably? If he got his dream job and it was all going wonderfully, then someone he'd upset lied and "played the Autism card" (as you put it) and cost him his job?

You seem unwilling or incapable of grasping the fact that people are rightly more concerned with him being a danger to others than how many entry level jobs he's applied for. Your willingness to excuse his behavior towards others as long as it makes your life easier is likely the main reason his in this position.

Original poster

WiseHiker · 12/08/2025 19:59

PinkCampervan · 12/08/2025 19:24

I don't think he'll pass the medical tests then.

If he's being mocked and called Quasimodo then he's schlepping around with a sad-sack face and slumped shoulders. First impressions count, he doesn't want to be walking into a job interview like that. Pilates classes to improve his posture should help. Having a more confident upright posture will make him look like less of an easy victim at first glance, so will help with him being the target for bullying. And sorting out his posture will in itself be one less thing for people to take the piss out of him for.

Show quote history

He's actually decent at interviews he's had 3 the only one he did bad at was the assessment centres due to having a smaller personality

OP posts:

Original poster

WiseHiker · 12/08/2025 20:03

Velmy · 12/08/2025 19:59

You'd care if someone made his worse though, presumably? If he got his dream job and it was all going wonderfully, then someone he'd upset lied and "played the Autism card" (as you put it) and cost him his job?

You seem unwilling or incapable of grasping the fact that people are rightly more concerned with him being a danger to others than how many entry level jobs he's applied for. Your willingness to excuse his behavior towards others as long as it makes your life easier is likely the main reason his in this position.

Show quote history

He never bullied someone for no reason every person who he lashed out at he had a reason. I'm not justifying his actions at all and agree violence is never acceptable but that in my opinion was fair

OP posts: