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My son can't get an apprenticeship and is getting violent and moody

436 replies

WiseHiker · 25/07/2025 15:52

My son is strugling to get an apprenticeship at 20 and his mental health is deteriorating

Firstly he is not a bad kid never touched drugs or drink. He was bullied alot in school as he is autistic and he claims because of his hight however despite this he got ok gcses (6s and 7s)

And tried alevels however dropped out because of further bullying and because he found the course uninteresting. He then spent around 2 years travelling to see his then girlfriend from Bournemouth

At 18 they broke up and he did a pt qualification at level 2, did boxing and got a part time job at a pub after alot of difficulty. However he quickly spiraled into an eating disorder and decided he can't continue down the gym Instructing route.

Since turning 19 he's been looking to get an apprenticeship in "anything not behind a desk that pays well" however has had no joy with the exception of an assessment centre .after being told he didn't get the job because his team lost after no one listened to him. he punched one of the people in his team outside the event out of frustration. I have since gotten him anger management and told him this is not acceptable.

He is now 20 still looking for one, he has started driving lessons to aid in this however he has become even more moody and withdrawn. He barely sees his friends as they are all working 9 to 5 and he works evenings and weekends. Compounding this I believe could be that his dad is terminally ill with hypertension of the heart.
Furthermore earlier this year he started seeing a new girl who within 3 month slept with one of his mates. Currently all he does is apply for jobs and work out for an unhealthy amount of time . I'm not sure how to help him.

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MidnightMusing5 · 11/08/2025 21:30

ive heard apprenticeships are like hens teeth these days 🤷‍♀️ 🤔

look on company websites as places close very quickly.

or consider a trade ?

WiseHiker · 11/08/2025 21:33

MidnightMusing5 · 11/08/2025 21:30

ive heard apprenticeships are like hens teeth these days 🤷‍♀️ 🤔

look on company websites as places close very quickly.

or consider a trade ?

That's what he wants to get into but the colleges are fully booked and from what I'm hearing he has no shot of an apprenticeship without a qual which seems backwards given you get the qualification on the apprenticeship but that's the state of the jobs market

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redbxs · 11/08/2025 21:36

He's an adult so really its up to him to work it out. All you can do is take care of yourself, it sounds like you have enough going on with his dad too, and if there are any more violent episodes from him call the police. Sometimes the kindest thing to do is to prevent greater harm - to you, to him, to others.

WiseHiker · 11/08/2025 21:39

redbxs · 11/08/2025 21:36

He's an adult so really its up to him to work it out. All you can do is take care of yourself, it sounds like you have enough going on with his dad too, and if there are any more violent episodes from him call the police. Sometimes the kindest thing to do is to prevent greater harm - to you, to him, to others.

I just don't want his mental health getting worse but I genuinely don't see a way out of this for him. Thanks for all the advice as soon as he gets paid I'll get him to to the citb course

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Wasitabadger · 11/08/2025 22:13

I have read through your responses and without an EHCP in situ he would need to pay for college. However, there are Access to Learning Loans https://www.gov.uk/advanced-learner-loan. However your son may benefit more from an Access to HE course which are level 3 equivalent. Even if he does not use it for University he could use it to qualify for a level 3 apprenticeship. The learners in those courses tend to be older young people and adults who are education focused.

He does need to be realistic though, the job market is competitive and as an autistic individual more of a challenge that is the reality even if it is not the way it should be. I had a Masters and still worked as a TA to gain experience in practical education delivery for a few years before making a step up to a management level role. It is unrealistic to expect to step straight into a higher paid wage unfortunately this is the battle Post 16 professionals are fighting due to these influencers suggesting it is easy to earn high wages instantly. It sounds like you are taking the best steps possible and wish you and your son luck moving forward

Advanced Learner Loan

Advanced Learner Loan and the Bursary Fund help with college or training course costs - funding, how to apply, application forms, repayments

https://www.gov.uk/advanced-learner-loan.

PinkCampervan · 11/08/2025 22:36

He needs to lose the attitude that he's owed a second chance at life. And accept that nobody owes him anything. He's wanting the moon on a stick and complaining when he doesn't get it. We all get one life, there's no "dress rehearsal" and it doesn't come with pre programmed second chances. His anger doesn't come from [insert all the excuses you've made for him here] it comes from him not accepting this fundamental fact of life and his sense of entitlement that he thinks he should have more. He has fucked up and now he's going to have to work twice as hard to fix it. Which may involve starting at the bottom and/or doing things he doesn't want to do.

You quoted my previous post a few times asking what I think he should he do. I told you, if you bothered to read it properly - Accept his situation and where he's at. Look for more jobs with more hours in hospitality, study around those job(s) for qualifications in hospitality, turn it into a career if he wants. But suck it up and accept that hospitality is where he's at for now.

People wanting to change careers, which is what he's trying to do at this stage if he wants out of hospitality, have to be prepared to go back to studying and live like a pauper with no social life (because they'll be working in whatever job they can get (McDonald's is always popular with students) when they're not studying).

He needs to accept that he's made himself almost unemployable for the jobs he wants. Why would an employer pay him whatever the NMW is for a 20yr old who's messed up, when they could employ a 16yr old with no issues on a cheaper NMW to do the exact same job? This is the reality of his situation. They're not going to pick him.

He needs to look at the options open to him and stop dismissing them as beneath him.
He could take a level one qualification at college this year and that starts getting his toe in the door for something or other.
He could join the armed forces.
He could embrace hospitality and make that his career.
He could stop pissing about with Indeed and apply to actual companies for actual jobs, with a tailored application for each.
He could walk into an employment agency, discuss his current skills with them, do any assessments they demand of him and see what temp work they could get him alongside his current hospitality job (and he needs to say Yes to anything offered, because he needs to get onto their good side and prove he has a good work ethic, not be a picky PITA about not wanting this job or that job because guess what? That attitude leads to them not calling unless they're desperate and offering majority of the jobs to other people first who they know are more likely to say Yes).
He could apply for seasonal work, they often have quotas for permanent positions which they'll fill from the seasonal workers, so he should make it known to management that he's looking for a permanent job not just money for Christmas.
If he applies for a picker/packer warehouse job he needs to apply as someone wanting a permanent job, not with a view to getting an apprenticeship elsewhere one day or going to college in a year, of course they're not going to want to bother training someone who they know will leave!
He has options. It's no good looking at them and dismissing them all just because they involve going back to scratch for him or won't lead to this illustrious career he thinks he's cut out for.

He needs to forget about all this wanting a good job so he can keep pace with his old mates. That ship has sailed. They didn't fuck up their lives or suffer health issues, they made consistent progress and are now years ahead of him. They're going on holiday without him, they're making jokes about his cheap clothes, he can't afford to socialise with them and he's working when they're off work. It's over, he's a joke to them, he needs to let it go and move on, make new friends. Stop thinking (working class?) people are beneath him and he's going to fall in with a bad crowd. That's choice! Nobody has to fall in with a bad crowd. If the nice people don't want to be friends with him it'll be because of his attitude problem, thinking he's superior, his propensity for blaming others when life doesn't go his way and his aggression. Which is something he can fix (with therapy).

If he wants it badly enough and if he works hard enough and if his health allows (biggie, that one, not everyone's does), then maybe he'll have a good career job one day. His old friends will still have moved on though by the time he arrives in that place. I'm not saying he'll never see them again, but his and their lives have already gone in different directions and their previous closeness has been lost, that isn't something that can necessarily be reversed or that he can "catch up" with.

Velmy · 12/08/2025 00:34

WiseHiker · 10/08/2025 20:29

It was not a co worker he hit it was another applicant who refused to listen to him at an assessment centre when working as a team where in the losing team was sent home early. he waited outside and suckered punched him out of frustration as he really worked hard researching the company and felt that because of this he wasn't given a fair shot.

This isn't a 'bad reaction' or something you can write off because of mental illness or turmoil in his private life. This was a considered, premeditated assault.

And a sucker punch as well, so you've raised a coward as well as a scumbag.

Because he was slowing his education down meaning he had to work longer in a job he hated I don't blame him at all some people need to be taught a lesson

...and now we see why your son feels this kind of behavior is acceptable.

You need to forget about finding him a job, stop making excuses for his disgusting behavior and focus on getting him the help he so obviously needs. Because sucker punching and choking fellow students will progress into doing the same or worse to the next co-worker or employer that he decides has wronged him in some way.

You asked a PP what good prison would do him. It might teach him that there are consequences for violently assaulting people... something his parents have clearly failed to do.

WiseHiker · 12/08/2025 02:02

Velmy · 12/08/2025 00:34

This isn't a 'bad reaction' or something you can write off because of mental illness or turmoil in his private life. This was a considered, premeditated assault.

And a sucker punch as well, so you've raised a coward as well as a scumbag.

Because he was slowing his education down meaning he had to work longer in a job he hated I don't blame him at all some people need to be taught a lesson

...and now we see why your son feels this kind of behavior is acceptable.

You need to forget about finding him a job, stop making excuses for his disgusting behavior and focus on getting him the help he so obviously needs. Because sucker punching and choking fellow students will progress into doing the same or worse to the next co-worker or employer that he decides has wronged him in some way.

You asked a PP what good prison would do him. It might teach him that there are consequences for violently assaulting people... something his parents have clearly failed to do.

He tried a diplomatic solution first with the Teacher and got fobbed off. what wouldve been a better solution. He wasn't being took seriously and was having his time wasted. I'm not saying his actions are correct but the teacher refused to do anything saying that they will work to the slowest in the room. My son was frustrated he spent the majority of his time in class on his phone . he shouldn't have gotten violent and It has not happened since last year. It probably didn't help the kid made jokes about him too

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WiseHiker · 12/08/2025 02:09

Velmy · 12/08/2025 00:34

This isn't a 'bad reaction' or something you can write off because of mental illness or turmoil in his private life. This was a considered, premeditated assault.

And a sucker punch as well, so you've raised a coward as well as a scumbag.

Because he was slowing his education down meaning he had to work longer in a job he hated I don't blame him at all some people need to be taught a lesson

...and now we see why your son feels this kind of behavior is acceptable.

You need to forget about finding him a job, stop making excuses for his disgusting behavior and focus on getting him the help he so obviously needs. Because sucker punching and choking fellow students will progress into doing the same or worse to the next co-worker or employer that he decides has wronged him in some way.

You asked a PP what good prison would do him. It might teach him that there are consequences for violently assaulting people... something his parents have clearly failed to do.

I've spoken to him and explained how it's un acceptable as he will end up in jail. I can sympathise with his frustration without agreeing with his actions. And I have had no incidents since our last talk where I said I was worried he would end up in jail or worse. He said i don't care if I hurt people I care if it effects me which given that it would get me jail I won't anymore. To be fair to him I haven't he's just bitter and whiney now

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PinkCampervan · 12/08/2025 04:28

Fucking hell. OP if you haven't already, you better make damn sure your son understands consent in a crystal clear way, because with his attitude that he can have whatever he wants and to hell with anyone else, he's a potential rapist too. He may not have done anything yet, but with his thought processes it's only a matter of time. He appears to have zero empathy, which frankly makes him dangerous to be around.

You say he's a good kid, but you're blinkered because he's your son. Like a lot of bad men, he's only nice/good when things are going his way. Every domestic abuser or violent thug out there has "reasons" which in their mind justifies the abuse they dish out. Their "reasons" are bullshit but they believe them to be true. Committing violence out of frustration isn't ok. There will be plenty of people in life who don't have his best interests at heart, who may try to stitch him up or sabotage him in some way, or treat him badly for whatever reason. No matter what they've done, violence still isn't justified. He honestly sounds like he'd kill if he believed it was a solution to a problem.

IDK if there's some form of therapy that helps install at least an understanding of what empathy is and when/why it should be used, but if there is such a therapy he should be doing it. He doesn't currently have the skills to function as an adult out in the world. I know it's not at all easy for anyone to get mental health help, but perhaps if you speak to his GP about it from a crime prevention perspective he can be fast tracked for some kind of psychological intervention. CBT isn't really going to cut it, not for this. Although it may help some of his other issues so is still worth doing.

I imagine the police or someone like that runs crime prevention initiatives for troubled young people but whilst he'd benefit from the learning, he'd not benefit from meeting those who have already been involved in the criminal justice system. My concern specifically is that when such people inevitably speak of ways to commit crime whilst reducing the risk of being caught, he'd be inclined to listen to that.

JamesWebbSpaceTelescope · 12/08/2025 06:49

Let’s us know the general area you are in and we can help with suggestions of courses that he can do. Has he looked at full time courses rather than evening ones? Even full time he will be able to work weekend and evening shifts.

If he has to wait a year then get his forklift license and apply for those warehouse jobs. If he enjoys that / is good at it he could look into further and look at courses on construction plant operator (becoming a crane operator etc…) https://www.citb.co.uk/national-construction-college/plant-operations-courses/cpcs-crawler-crane-a02/

CPCS Crawler Crane A02 - CITB

This 10-day course is for people with limited or no experience of operating a crawler crane. It teaches you how to operate and maintain a crawler crane safely. On passing the technical tests, we will apply for the CPCS trained operator card (red card...

https://www.citb.co.uk/national-construction-college/plant-operations-courses/cpcs-crawler-crane-a02

ByGreyWriter · 12/08/2025 08:06

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Velmy · 12/08/2025 14:02

WiseHiker · 12/08/2025 02:02

He tried a diplomatic solution first with the Teacher and got fobbed off. what wouldve been a better solution. He wasn't being took seriously and was having his time wasted. I'm not saying his actions are correct but the teacher refused to do anything saying that they will work to the slowest in the room. My son was frustrated he spent the majority of his time in class on his phone . he shouldn't have gotten violent and It has not happened since last year. It probably didn't help the kid made jokes about him too

Your response is very telling.

Are you suggesting that the only two possible solutions available to someone in that situation are 'tell a teacher' and if that doesn't resolve thing to their absolute satisfaction, 'commit a violent assault'?

You think your son has no other choice but to attack someone in a way that could potentially cause them lifelong injury or worse, because he had his time wasted, or wasn't taken seriously?

What did the assault achieve, by the way? Not really a 'solution', was it?

As I said previously, if that's your take on the situation, then it's no surprise that your son has ended up the way he is.

Velmy · 12/08/2025 14:08

WiseHiker · 12/08/2025 02:09

I've spoken to him and explained how it's un acceptable as he will end up in jail. I can sympathise with his frustration without agreeing with his actions. And I have had no incidents since our last talk where I said I was worried he would end up in jail or worse. He said i don't care if I hurt people I care if it effects me which given that it would get me jail I won't anymore. To be fair to him I haven't he's just bitter and whiney now

He said i don't care if I hurt people I care if it effects me

This is a terrifying red flag. What do you think is going to stop him from hurting someone if he thinks he can get away with it?

Normal people don't refrain from hurting people who inconvenience them because it'll land them in jail. They don't do it because it's wrong and has consequences for the victim.

Your son needs help before he needs a job. I certainly wouldn't employ him if I knew his history and I'd be wary of anyone I cared about being around such a person in any capacity.

WiseHiker · 12/08/2025 14:22

Velmy · 12/08/2025 14:08

He said i don't care if I hurt people I care if it effects me

This is a terrifying red flag. What do you think is going to stop him from hurting someone if he thinks he can get away with it?

Normal people don't refrain from hurting people who inconvenience them because it'll land them in jail. They don't do it because it's wrong and has consequences for the victim.

Your son needs help before he needs a job. I certainly wouldn't employ him if I knew his history and I'd be wary of anyone I cared about being around such a person in any capacity.

It's how he's always been self centred. All I care is that he doesn't get in legal trouble and gets a good paying job. He's said he's willing to work hard and won't lash out at people he will use words instead. He's never had empathy for people who in his head get in his way or have hurt him. He even found where one of his childhood bullies worked and got them fired from their current job by saying they verbally abused him playing the autism card.

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WiseHiker · 12/08/2025 14:22

This was right after school at 16

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WiseHiker · 12/08/2025 14:25

WiseHiker · 12/08/2025 14:22

It's how he's always been self centred. All I care is that he doesn't get in legal trouble and gets a good paying job. He's said he's willing to work hard and won't lash out at people he will use words instead. He's never had empathy for people who in his head get in his way or have hurt him. He even found where one of his childhood bullies worked and got them fired from their current job by saying they verbally abused him playing the autism card.

I've seen him in work however he seems stable and is good at his job. when I confronted him he said that he likes getting even with people in his eyes wronged him however he promised to do it without using threats or his hands.

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WiseHiker · 12/08/2025 14:31

Velmy · 12/08/2025 14:08

He said i don't care if I hurt people I care if it effects me

This is a terrifying red flag. What do you think is going to stop him from hurting someone if he thinks he can get away with it?

Normal people don't refrain from hurting people who inconvenience them because it'll land them in jail. They don't do it because it's wrong and has consequences for the victim.

Your son needs help before he needs a job. I certainly wouldn't employ him if I knew his history and I'd be wary of anyone I cared about being around such a person in any capacity.

He only cares about money and doing what he wants and things that will benefit him in the long run. He's now willing to educate himself and while looking for an apprenticeship or full time employment he's able to work fine and even take disrespect from customers if he's getting paid. His problem is that when he believes people have caused him an issue he will hang on to the bitterness. I've made him promise to do things legally not to get in scuffles or be threatening. I'd much rather him do things like he did with his childhood bully if he cannot be helped

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WiseHiker · 12/08/2025 14:33

I don't think being out of work will help him as he's already working constantly about money and is willing to work and educate himself. However no jobs will take him and all local colleges are booked up

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Needmorelego · 12/08/2025 14:48

Is he claiming any unemployment benefits?
Would he consider doing voluntary work while unemployed for the experience (gaining skills, getting confidence etc).
He could do that, be doing something worthwhile and getting some money via job seekers allowance (or whatever it's called these days) plus he will probably get help with job seeking.

WiseHiker · 12/08/2025 14:53

Needmorelego · 12/08/2025 14:48

Is he claiming any unemployment benefits?
Would he consider doing voluntary work while unemployed for the experience (gaining skills, getting confidence etc).
He could do that, be doing something worthwhile and getting some money via job seekers allowance (or whatever it's called these days) plus he will probably get help with job seeking.

Yes he is already doing that for 8 hours a week in a charity shop as we do not know anyone in the trades

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NeverDropYourMooncup · 12/08/2025 14:55

WiseHiker · 12/08/2025 14:31

He only cares about money and doing what he wants and things that will benefit him in the long run. He's now willing to educate himself and while looking for an apprenticeship or full time employment he's able to work fine and even take disrespect from customers if he's getting paid. His problem is that when he believes people have caused him an issue he will hang on to the bitterness. I've made him promise to do things legally not to get in scuffles or be threatening. I'd much rather him do things like he did with his childhood bully if he cannot be helped

I'm sure that will be of comfort to anybody who crosses him by getting a promotion/pay rise, turns him down for a date or simply happens to be taller than him that he's decided it's not worth strangling them when he can just try to get them fired instead.

WiseHiker · 12/08/2025 15:00

NeverDropYourMooncup · 12/08/2025 14:55

I'm sure that will be of comfort to anybody who crosses him by getting a promotion/pay rise, turns him down for a date or simply happens to be taller than him that he's decided it's not worth strangling them when he can just try to get them fired instead.

At least it will be better for him he won't get arrested and feels vindicated

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