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Don't worry about affording private school. My experiences as a mature uni student have convinced me private school is a waste of money.

237 replies

Joffmognum · 03/10/2023 22:09

For context: I didn't go to uni at the usual time - I was a teenage mum, didn't do A-Levels, dropped out of school and had DS unplanned aged 18. Working class, worked minimum wage jobs, rented a room, toddler and I shared one bed, etc. I was well into my twenties before I had £1000 to my name. But I decided that I wanted to go to university anyway, so, with a lot of hard work, and after waiting for DS to grow up a bit, I did. I'm now 26 and almost done with an engineering integrated masters degree at a very nice, top 10 university.

I've since befriended a lot of other students who went to private schools, including boarding schools. And they're VERY aware that their parents spent £100k+ on an education that meant they "could go" to a university like ours - which gives them A LOT of pressure - but they're going to the same place I am? Which I managed to get into with a young child to care for, an underfunded state college course, and not quite enough food in the fridge?

If you have a lot of cash to spare, then I understand paying the fees. But if you're paying for private school primarily so your kid will get into a nice university, it almost seems like a waste of money to me?

Like, if they have the drive to go to a nice university, they will anyway? And if they can't get the appropriate grades on a state-level education, they'll find it very difficult once they're there?

There's so much depression, anxiety and stress amongst students these days. I adore university and the technical internships I've done through it, but among the private school kids especially, their hearts often don't seem in it, like they're doing it because of inertia.

One told me recently that the reason he works so hard for firsts is because he can't face telling his dad he got low grades, because he knows how expensive his boarding school was. Another confided in me today that he doesn't actually want to be an automotive engineer: he'd rather be a mechanic.

OP posts:
Zone2NorthLondon · 03/10/2023 22:16

Congratulations on your achievements.well done. However I disagree with your anecdotal accounts as you cannot draw conclusions from the anecdotal account of your cohort. My kids are at nursery and preprep leading to selective private school. I won’t change paths based on a few anecdote and tired tropes. Equally I won’t reciprocate by trotting out cliches about state schools

Dotcheck · 03/10/2023 22:21

Zone2NorthLondon · 03/10/2023 22:16

Congratulations on your achievements.well done. However I disagree with your anecdotal accounts as you cannot draw conclusions from the anecdotal account of your cohort. My kids are at nursery and preprep leading to selective private school. I won’t change paths based on a few anecdote and tired tropes. Equally I won’t reciprocate by trotting out cliches about state schools

And what cliches about state school would those be? ❄️

I think OP is saying that if you are clever and motivated, your child will have opportunities. Which is exactly as it should be.

Dotcheck · 03/10/2023 22:22

And OP, well done. You are an amazing example for your child.

Thisismynewusername1 · 03/10/2023 22:22

I agree. If you can afford it, fine.

someone I know nearly bankrupted herself, and her parents, sending her two kids to private school from 3-18. Elderly parents should have had a very comfortable retirement but ended up scrimping and saving to help her pay. Literally lived on the absolute minimum.

it’s also divided the family as grandparents couldn’t afford to help any of the younger grandchildren out at all. Not a penny.

the two kids came out with average results. Got into average uni’s- ex poly level as was then.

eta: the pressure those kids were under as well knowing what their parents/grandparents had sacrificed. All through they were told they had to do x, y and z because private school. It was almost a method of control.

MollyMarples · 03/10/2023 22:24

Our only other option is a failing school.

Overthebow · 03/10/2023 22:28

I completely agree. I went to a Russel group uni, there were quite a few private school students and you couldn’t tell who was who in my course. I did just as well as any of them having gone to a standard state comprehensive. I won’t be paying for my DC to go private, we could just about afford it but I would rather give my DC house deposits.

Zone2NorthLondon · 03/10/2023 22:29

My point is there are tired tropes about state and private schools trotted out. Oft repeated and often inaccurate on both sides. If one can afford private, and it’s not onerous, then by all means go for it
If fees are a burden and cause strife & guilt don’t bother
Private school pupils do have overall socially advantageous outcome and salary compared to state schools. I appreciate you are saying this isn’t the case with your example, but overall private school= advantageous outcome

PikachuChickenRice · 03/10/2023 22:41

You're conflating several different things OP.
There are wealthy, high-achieving families that also put pressure on the kids to be high achieving. And think private school = good grades.
Others send their kids for the other stuff like extracurriculars, wraparound care etc. Still others for SEN support.

CancertheCrab · 03/10/2023 22:43

MollyMarples · 03/10/2023 22:24

Our only other option is a failing school.

Failing in what sense? Plenty of private schools fail

CancertheCrab · 03/10/2023 22:45

You can't tell who was privately educated and who was state educated in most work places as an adult, anyway

Ovaltiner · 03/10/2023 22:46

One of my 4DC is at private school. We started the pathway to get an autism diagnosis in Y4, ahead of transition to secondary, finally confirmed in Y8.

She would not have coped with our local state secondary school and we are so fortunate to have been able to send her to a lovely, nurturing indy, albeit with some sacrifices. It has benefitted her as well as the whole family, she is finally happy and her confidence has finally grown after a very difficult Y5 and Y6 in her state primary (which has suited her siblings down to the ground).

People have multiple reasons for sending their DC private. I would not presume to know why others do and I just wish there was adequate provision for all in the state sector.

Zone2NorthLondon · 03/10/2023 22:49

I know people who children attend sought after state primary schools,it’s pressured & tutors are the norm. Additional weekend Kumon too. So pressure is attitudinal and exists in state & private school. Houses in catchment for sought after state school sell for a lot more. Some parents will buy their way into a good state school catchment and then tutor.

But if you're paying for private school primarily so your kid will get into a nice university, it almost seems like a waste of money to me? statistically this is inaccurate. Private schools are adept at getting their pupils into top universities, it’s their purpose. Private schools are overall are focused and driven at their students getting into good universities

PinkRoses1245 · 03/10/2023 22:50

CancertheCrab · 03/10/2023 22:45

You can't tell who was privately educated and who was state educated in most work places as an adult, anyway

Exactly this. Total waste of money. Although most people I meet outside work who went to private school are not nice people. Gives such a sense of entitlement. And it just seems to be pushy parents making up for their own lack of success by projecting onto their kids

Bluesky85 · 03/10/2023 22:51

I don’t think people send their children to private schools just for good grades. It’s also to do with other opportunities and extra curricular activities that are available, plus often better facilities for things like music and sport. Plus smaller class sizes, more ‘personal’ experience, and a belief that teachers can spend more time teaching and less time dealing with disruptive pupils etc.

Zone2NorthLondon · 03/10/2023 22:53

CancertheCrab · 03/10/2023 22:45

You can't tell who was privately educated and who was state educated in most work places as an adult, anyway

In my experience that’s not the case. Medicine,Law and finance have many ex-private school alumni and they overall present as capable and confident. Always able to establish who else is private school and where they attended.

CancertheCrab · 03/10/2023 22:55

Zone2NorthLondon · 03/10/2023 22:53

In my experience that’s not the case. Medicine,Law and finance have many ex-private school alumni and they overall present as capable and confident. Always able to establish who else is private school and where they attended.

Nonsense - my (state educated) brother is the dean of a medical school and says himself there is no difference between his state and privately educated students. My (state educated) sons are in finance and I know many of their friends. I only know which are privately educated if they happen to tell me, and some do tell me, as I am a teacher

TheaBrandt · 03/10/2023 22:56

Really?! In adult life schooling is irrelevant don’t know if my friends went to private or state it’s totally irrelevant. Even more so now with blind cvs etc and companies falling over themselves not to be elitist.

godlikeAI · 03/10/2023 22:56

@Zone2NorthLondon is totally right - private school is socially advantageous. Will it make anyone happy or guarantee a good life? No, because there are no guarantees like that. Private school kids can be miserable failures, comprehensive school kids can be brilliant geniuses. Private school is about the parents more than the kids, in many cases

AnneWhittle · 03/10/2023 22:56

CancertheCrab · 03/10/2023 22:45

You can't tell who was privately educated and who was state educated in most work places as an adult, anyway

this is not true
I rarely come across privately educated people in my line of work (which is poorly paid but highly skilled and socially useful- hence of no interest to the privileged)- yet when I come across privately educated people elsewhere they are easy to spot
OP, it's not about the grades, as you have shown, with enough determination many people can get good grades and those open doors. Private education buys you social skills, connections and above all a sense of entitlement that means when you leave university you have access to influential and well paid careers.

AngelsWithSilverWings · 03/10/2023 22:57

My DD15 will probably leave her private school with a couple of level 4 GCSEs if she is lucky. We moved her to private school for her mental health and it's been worth every penny. I'm not sure she would still be here if we'd kept her at the state school she was at or

Zone2NorthLondon · 03/10/2023 22:57

PinkRoses1245 · 03/10/2023 22:50

Exactly this. Total waste of money. Although most people I meet outside work who went to private school are not nice people. Gives such a sense of entitlement. And it just seems to be pushy parents making up for their own lack of success by projecting onto their kids

Or alternatively, balanced and successful parents using the disposable income from their successful non-pushy life,to pay fees. Work wise I’m successful hence the ability to pay multiple sets of fees

DramaDivaDi · 03/10/2023 22:59

Maybe parents are paying so their children don’t end every sentence with a question mark?

PuggyInTheMuddle · 03/10/2023 23:00

I come from a family of 3 kids.

Due to various circumstances one of us went to private school, one to state grammar, one to comprehensive.

We all ended up with the same degree qualifications and roughly the same work / professional level.

Smartiepants79 · 03/10/2023 23:01

I’m not sending my children to private school so the can go to university. Obviously I hope that might be an outcome if that’s what suits them.
I’m sending them for high quality education with a broad range of excellent opportunities and experiences. For brilliant sporting opportunities.
To give them the confidence and self-assuredness I see in them and their friends every day.
I’m sure many state schools could provide the same. Just not the failing ones that are anywhere near our house. I know their school is providing so much more than academic excellence. They value all routes to the children achieving their potential.
Is it perfect, no. But I don’t regret a single penny.

PuggyInTheMuddle · 03/10/2023 23:02

DramaDivaDi · 03/10/2023 22:59

Maybe parents are paying so their children don’t end every sentence with a question mark?

Snotty.

Shows you up.