Don't worry about affording private school. My experiences as a mature uni student have convinced me private school is a waste of money.

[Joffmognum]

For context: I didn't go to uni at the usual time - I was a teenage mum, didn't do A-Levels, dropped out of school and had DS unplanned aged 18. Working class, worked minimum wage jobs, rented a room, toddler and I shared one bed, etc. I was well into my twenties before I had £1000 to my name. But I decided that I wanted to go to university anyway, so, with a lot of hard work, and after waiting for DS to grow up a bit, I did. I'm now 26 and almost done with an engineering integrated masters degree at a very nice, top 10 university.

I've since befriended a lot of other students who went to private schools, including boarding schools. And they're VERY aware that their parents spent £100k+ on an education that meant they "could go" to a university like ours - which gives them A LOT of pressure - but they're going to the same place I am? Which I managed to get into with a young child to care for, an underfunded state college course, and not quite enough food in the fridge?

If you have a lot of cash to spare, then I understand paying the fees. But if you're paying for private school primarily so your kid will get into a nice university, it almost seems like a waste of money to me?

Like, if they have the drive to go to a nice university, they will anyway? And if they can't get the appropriate grades on a state-level education, they'll find it very difficult once they're there?

There's so much depression, anxiety and stress amongst students these days. I adore university and the technical internships I've done through it, but among the private school kids especially, their hearts often don't seem in it, like they're doing it because of inertia.

One told me recently that the reason he works so hard for firsts is because he can't face telling his dad he got low grades, because he knows how expensive his boarding school was. Another confided in me today that he doesn't actually want to be an automotive engineer: he'd rather be a mechanic.

As others have said, private school is not just about grades. Our eldest went private at 13 due to issues at her state school, lack of support for her dyslexia, and a chronic health condition she had all of which made a very large and busy secondary miserable for her. Had there been an option for a small secondary with small class sizes we would have gone for that. But no option to do that. She has thrived and may go to drama school (no academics required).

Our second is at state secondary and seems to love it.

@3WildOnes so true! state ad a ton of tutoring from early on is by far the best way into oxbridge.
Oxbridge is really not an argument when selecting a private school…

Private school isn’t just about getting into university. It has many other benefits. For example those people are more likely to get jobs when they graduate because of their connections made at school. They’re more likely to have opportunities and support throughout their lives. They’ve been pushed to engage in sport so they’re likely to remain fitter as they get older. They’ve had opportunities to learn musical instruments and be exposed to various forms of culture. It’s pretty superficial to say “we both got into the same uni so therefore we are equal”. You’re not on a par - you just think you are, because you fail to understand the other benefits of private school.

Also you have to consider that those people might NOT have got into uni if they hadn’t been coached at a private school. Maybe you’re naturally smarter than them, but private school has lifted them up to the same level as you.

Except I literally see it on a weekly basis? I work with large privately owned business… a lot of owners of local large privately owned businesses send their children to private school. A lot of those kids go on to work in the business. Also, the ones who’s end their kids to private school have a playground network and we often work with their kids’ friends’ parents via playground intros.

It’s not about government jobs, it’s about having access to wealthy individuals. Admittedly, it won’t be true in all jobs - but I can guarantee it’s a leg up in my sector (also given probably half of my colleagues went to private school, and not half the population does, there must be some advantage.

My DC won’t be going to private school but I will put money into a private tutor if needed and extra curricular activities

This post spoke to my soul. I do not think people realise there is also a race element to sending your child to private school. There are many bright and able black children who get NOWHERE in our state school systems. Im from the South East and our private schools are filled with Black & Asian children. The parents (I am included) want to give our children as much of a push as possible so they can succeed and have the confidence to feel they belong in every room.

Not everyone sends their dc to private school in the hopes to get into a good Uni, like you say it is possible in state schools. However, there are other benefits, such as sports, smaller less disruptive classes, more clubs etc.

OP that is a huge achievement, I hope you see that and are proud of yourself.

I think the only conclusion I’d draw is that money gives opportunity. For private schools yes, but also for extra curricular clubs that might build confidence or skill or an ability to work with others, for moving to a naice catchment, for tutoring, for house deposits, for doing a degree but then realising that actually you want to do x instead.

Whether a particular set of parents thought private school was the best option isn’t the critical thing imo. Though I feel very strongly that the hamster wheel of tutoring/11+/entrance exams/high pressure environment isn’t good at all for young people, so (and we could afford it) I wouldn’t do that to my kids, despite all the signs that they are bright etc.

I went to a State school. It was not supportive, with a major gap in careers advice for pupils who would have been capable of going on to study law or medicine. Did well at university and it seemed as if public school students were an elite. Good career and returned to a top university for postgraduate studies. Now it feels as though there is a stigma attached to public school students. Entitlement, over confidence, snobbery, foul behavior, etc. The ‚Everyone's Invited‘ case felt like a watershed.

My sibling went to a public school, as he could not cope at the local comprehensive and the teachers had raised concerns about special needs (likely ASD). No specialist support at the public school, though he avoided a ‚label‘ (which seemed to be our parents intention). He is angry, entitled and deeply unpleasant to be around.

It is also very annoying and when I hear these “hope” stories. “I did ok, and I went to the local state and now I am a Dr/finance/professor” From my state secondary we had ONE Dr and it took her 7 years to get into medical school. She had perfect GCSE’s and attained a degree in that time and she still wasn't accepted on the post grade med degree, she had to move to and do the full length med degree. She is a fantastic Dr. I am sure if she was able to go to private school, she would not have had the barriers she faced. She is the reason I put my daughter into private school.

I have a similar story (chaotic abusive home life, homeless in my teens, went to uni late following an Access course, got a 1st, did well career wise, spent time overseas, now living in a leafy area in a big house). I really want to send my children to private school. Why?

1)The extracurriculars. I’m still trying to find my passions now as a 40+ year old. I never had the chance to try much of anything like music or sport. I want my children to have as much exposure to art, music, sports etc as possible, as well as all the great trips.

2)the ambition and access. Private school kids are (generally) taught to be ambitious, and introduced to lots of alumni and interesting guest speakers who open their eyes to the world. My comp was very crab bucket (Terry Pratchett reference)- being ambitious was weird, wanting to work hard made you unpopular. I don’t want that for my children.

3. the confidence. I can definitely see the difference, both at my uni and then later in the workplace between the private school and state school kids.

My kids are currently at state, by the way, as we live very close to an outstanding primary. We’re trying to add on all the extra curricular activities ourselves, and finding that the hours just aren’t set up well for working parents.

As a lawyer in my 20s as a student from a “good comp” it was plain as day who had been privately educated v not.

20 yrs later I have DCs at uni where the private students account for 40% of intake so I know it’s a nonsense to pretend that its not easier for private school students to achieve.

There are lots of kids with mental health problems at state schools too. They are just probably less likely to make it to university.

You are mixing with the privileged and successful OP.

Of course comparing them shows there are successful state school pupils. Anyone with any sense knows that.

My children are going to private school for the breadth and depth of experience they get. That and the staff ratio.

their pre prep has a ratio of 7:1 in their class room.

I couldn’t give a damn whether they go onto a ‘good’ university or not. I want them to enjoy their school days, especially the early ones + be fired up to learn about the world. Their education is a gift, with no strings attached.

I’m a teacher. I know schools. I’ve worked in plenty. I completely understand the arguments about it not being fair or equal that some children get access - But in an ideal world all children would have access to schools as spectacular as the good private ones. To say it’s a ‘waste’ feels green eyed and reductive.

This is so true. As per my earlier post I've done very well for myself as a state-educated individual. In my social circles and workplace there's a mix of state and private educated people and although 'on paper' we're in the same place financially, my private educated friends and colleagues are all far more confident in their abilities, seem to be able to negotiate social situations better, have succeeded faster and many are involved in sports at quite a high level. They're also still friends with their school peers. There's no doubt there are life skills honed at private school.

The biggest gap is between those fortunate enough to have access to top state schools and the rest.

The way people go on about private school... our catchment school has a whole host of issues and the alternatives are usually oversubscribed. People want to come on here and tell me that private school is not worth the money when getting my kid to 5 GCSEs grade 5 or above is obviously very challenging for that school.

I would pay for tutors anyway. And then await someone to tell me that tuition is a waste of money. You people do you. We've a family member that went through private and did go to a lower ranking university. But unlike y'all, she didn't see it as choosing a lesser option, she actively chose it against other better options, because it was going to allow her access to a field she hadn't previously studied before. She's gone there and done very well since. Even has an internship arranged.

Exactly. Not everyone has a decent/okay state option to consider against the private choice. But people don't want to hear that. They don't want to hear that so badly.

Oh no OP, I wish you’d have posted earlier.

My eldest got 9 A stars and 1 A, at GCSE, a top Ad Maths mark, is predicted 3 A stars at A’level, represented his school nationally in a sport, and has 3 grade 8’s in different instruments.

He’s happy and confident and applying to do exactly what he wants at Uni.

What a waste of money for a private school eh?

Mumsnet is obsessed with grades and Russell group unis. Its really weird.

Success in life and work is a lot more nuanced than this. And isn’t also just about earning 200k or whatever the mumsnet expectation for a ‘high earner’ is these days.

a lot of owners of local large privately owned businesses send their children to private school. A lot of those kids go on to work in the business. Also, the ones who’s end their kids to private school have a playground network and we often work with their kids’ friends’ parents via playground intros.

where are you that there are “lots of owners local large privately owned businesses”??

I’ve just moved my daughter out of a RAAC infested school where she wasn’t in school full time and was about to spend the rest of her time in portacabins once they were built sometime towards Christmas. Previously it was a bog standard comp. Obviously the teachers are all running for their lives too.

So yeah I’ll check my privilege against those at the Oratory 👍🏻

She will get the grades she gets. She will probably go back to state for sixth form. But she will know I did my best for her to ensure she did as well at GCSE as she was able to.

Congratulations on doing so well OP. It must have been a hard road.

I agree to a point, but I imagine for many people that sending your child to private school is not primarily about getting into the 'right' university; it's about meeting the people in high school and uni who will continue to help you throughout life, starting with their parents, who may give your child a work experience placement, or their first job, or put in a good word at a magic circle firm etc. Frankly, you don't need to be particularly bright, hard working or ambitious to do well, as long as you've got the right contacts. I think that is what most parents would be paying for.

These are some of the main reasons why we send to private. The opportunities they offer are incredible.