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Original poster

My daughter is crying! She doesnt want to change her school!

221 replies

Georginalora · 09/03/2023 22:21

Hi,

My daughter is 7 years old - she received an offer from one of the best academic schools in London - GCSE grades A is around %65. She is currently in independent All-through school till. We are happy with the school but school is mixability and our daughter is always been on top set. Schools GSCE A grades is about %40. She never wanted to change her school but she did amazing in 7+ assesment andd finally she had an offer from all of them. But in the end she doeant want to move. She is crying when we talk about new school and I feel so bad. Is anyone had that kind of experience? Do you think she can settle and love her new school? Or I should leave her where she is. Meanwhile her little brother is also in her current school and she doesn’t like the fact that they will go to different schools as well:( I want the best for her but I am so sad that she is unhappy right now. Really don’t know what to do:( Meanwhile new school has bad transport links so bad. In future if she wants to travel on her own to new school - she needs get a public bus (20 mins) then train (7 mins) then 20 mins walk. Her current school is 10 mins away with public bus.
What do I need to do? Please share your experiences and ideas 🌸

OP posts:
rogueone · 10/03/2023 06:56

She is 7 and will have to move anyway at 11. Your clearly already in the private system and most kids move to different schools and not see there old primary school friends again. If this is a school you would apply for again at 11+ then I moved accept the place . She will settle and move one

OMG12 · 10/03/2023 06:58

Never judge a school on results alone. We have a school near us - people fight to get in. Experiences I’ve heard about that school

Bullying of less able pupils softly encouraged to get them to leave

not putting less able pupils forward in for exams in harder non-core academic subjects

parebts of less able pupils encouraged to send their kids elsewhere during open evenings

Sen teachers laughing about sen kids

the list goes on.

I got straight As at A level despite being in a really crap school.

Leave your child where she is

OMG12 · 10/03/2023 06:59

rogueone · 10/03/2023 06:56

She is 7 and will have to move anyway at 11. Your clearly already in the private system and most kids move to different schools and not see there old primary school friends again. If this is a school you would apply for again at 11+ then I moved accept the place . She will settle and move one

I think it’s an all through school

Museya15 · 10/03/2023 07:00

Leave her alone, this is what wrecks kids, pushy parents. Sometimes I think it's more to show off amongst other parents than anything else.

Untitledsquatboulder · 10/03/2023 07:06

You are the grown up. If you think the new school is better and will suit her then move her. Just because she is upset at the idea doesn't mean she won't settle and thrive.

RosesAndHellebores · 10/03/2023 07:08

Never underestimate the importance if a child being happy.
Never underestimate a long journey if you have two children who are likely to be at different schools.
Never underestimate the importance of having local friends. What if her best friend has a 45 minute journey in the opposite direction - that's hard on you when she's 7 and hard on her when she's 13/14/15 and worse when she wants a social life in 6th form.
Never underestimate the probability of stress/lateness arising from a journey with two moving parts -which other children schools use the public bus?
If there isn't a school bus that would be a deal breaker for me.

Finally op, which best performing independent in London is this because 65% A or A* at GCSE isn't my definition of a high performing London independent.

I'd leave her where she is and consider moving her more locally at 11.

Mellymoon · 10/03/2023 07:10

A clever child will acheive in any school. You sound deranged. Let her stay there where she is happy. 🙄

NeverApologiseNeverExplain · 10/03/2023 07:15

Georginalora · 10/03/2023 00:31

@Sweetleaves @LikeTearsInRain actually I said to my husband today that I dont want to change her school but my husbands says “we dont loose anything if we try “- if she doesnt like and feels unhappy we can easily move her back next term in her current school ( I know its sounds weird but I can not keep her there is she is unhappy ) so I am so unsure what to do

Is her current school undersubscribed? I'd be very careful about assuming that their doors would just be open for her to move back.

MelroseGrainger · 10/03/2023 07:20

user1477391263 · 10/03/2023 02:29

No need for the harsh replies, people.

OP, I am an English speaking immigrant in a non-English-speaking country. I get it. It's tough; you don't really understand what the "unspoken norms" are around education, and you always feel like other parents are doing more than you and are better at knowing about all the options out there. You worry that your child is going to be disadvantaged because of their immigrant mother, especially if your child does not speak the school language at home. You worry your child could be discriminated against. This can lead to a lot of anxiety and a tendency to over-think things.

I've totally been there too-- including panicking and wondering whether we should switch our school to the one down the road where "a higher percentage of kids get into private junior high schools at 12" (a few years down the line, and the % of kids who get into private junior high schools is now the same at both schools. So much of this stuff is about the mix of families going the schools, not anything magic that the school is doing).

I would also urge you to leave your daughter where she is; apart from anything else, a lot of time being spent commuting will mean less time spent on reading, homework and other activities that will support her long-term.

This is a really thoughtful and interesting reply.

But I’m glad it concluded in telling the OP to keep her daughter where she is. It’s so important for her daughter to be happy to thrive. And it sounds like she’s such a self-starter that she will thrive anywhere.

RosesAndHellebores · 10/03/2023 07:25

I've just checked 2022 GCSE results for my DC's former schools:

Boys - holy grail highly performing school 91% grades 8/9 A*/A.

Girls - excellent, higher performing GDST school - 80%.

Personally, I'd put some tutoring in place and look to move your dd to a top performing school at 11, preferably a local one.

qpmz · 10/03/2023 07:27

justasking111 · 09/03/2023 22:24

Will your seven year old daughter have to travel alone to and from the new school each day?

As if!

DisforDarkChocolate · 10/03/2023 07:32

Leave the poor lass where she is. No child needs to feel the pressure of GCSEs at her age.

FancyFanny · 10/03/2023 07:32

Will she really do better at the other school? It's highly likely they get good grades because they select academically, not because they teach better. If her school is good, then she'll get good grades anyway, regardless that the school contains some children who are less academically gifted.

Itsgottobeme · 10/03/2023 07:34

good god this girl is thriving.its not like they are missing her potential and she is failing or unhappy or getting bad grades becasue they cant meet her needs.
she is actively sobbing telling you no to move her. why arent you listening.

she will become so unhappy and miserable possibly worse and then wont be able to learn or thrive at all. she will suffer mentally from you doing this.
school is such a vulnerable time for kids.dont do anything to unstableise a stable kids for gods sake please.and of of course moving her will do dmagae. the very proess of it. just one day.just one move or different routine will change her whole way of life.
you cant just try a new school and new routine. its at the moment the majoriity of her hours in the day. it will be so hard for her. and she wont just be able to go back either having left.
please listen to what your child at her age is really brave for being able to voice and tell you. not listening to her now will lose you so much. and in her a trust in you.and the knowledge you wont listen or protect her from things she doesnt want to happen.

Shelby2010 · 10/03/2023 07:44

Georginalora · 10/03/2023 00:31

@Sweetleaves @LikeTearsInRain actually I said to my husband today that I dont want to change her school but my husbands says “we dont loose anything if we try “- if she doesnt like and feels unhappy we can easily move her back next term in her current school ( I know its sounds weird but I can not keep her there is she is unhappy ) so I am so unsure what to do

You & DH have nothing to lose. DD has plenty to lose in this experiment.

DD could lose established friendships & self-confidence & trust in her parents. Also after school clubs will be more difficult to attend & she will be more tired because of the extra travelling. And for what? Of course the school will have better results if it only takes the top 5% of pupils. Also will they support her being the well rounded child that she seems to be?

If it ain’t broke, don’t try to fix it.

piedbeauty · 10/03/2023 07:45

Keep here where she is. Happy children will achieve better than unhappy children.

maranella · 10/03/2023 07:48

I'd leave her where she is - that school run sounds like a PITA and she's only 7. I also had an academic DC in a non-academic prep school, which was a 7-min walk from our house, so super-convenient and his little sibling went there. It suited us all, he was happy, and at 11+ we sent him to a more academic school, because by then he was bored and not being pushed enough. So I've been in your position and I'd say 'If it ain't broke, don't fix it'.

AngelinaFibres · 10/03/2023 07:57

Georginalora · 09/03/2023 22:39

@LIZS I wanted feedback from new school and admission team told me there were about 245 candidates and she was in top 5.

Then she will do well wherever she goes. Let her be where she is happy

Notellinganyone · 10/03/2023 08:01

Bright students will flourish in any supportive school. It’s mixed ability btw although I rather like your coinage!

Needmoresleep · 10/03/2023 08:02

Learning social skills is also important and if she is settled and doing well there is no need to move her.

The results sound fine for a school that does not select.

We have been through the academic private school thing and as long as a kid is making good progress it does not matter, especially at 7. The prep school head's mantra was "happy children learn". We saw some very bright kids burn out in very academic schools - don't forget that a proportion will be very tutored and very pressured which does not always make for a balanced social environment. And equally some really thrive in very mixed ability settings. (The sort of gentler schools that many ambitious London parents sneer at.)

The important thing at 7 is to gain an educational curiosity. Is the science fun? Is she inspired to read books. Does she enjoy learning.

She will have a lot of years in education. Those are the skills that will set her on the right path. It is a marathon. Pacing is important.

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 10/03/2023 08:03

I don’t really understand why you want to move her?
the results of the new school are better but that is because they are being selective about who joins and not accepting those who are likely to perform worse. It doesn’t mean that your daughter will get better results being there.

OheeOheeOh · 10/03/2023 08:03

Poor kid, obsessing over grades when she's 7??? I think you need to lay off and let her be a child, honestly making a child cry over moving schools at this age to get the best grades? I feel very sorry for her and the pressure you are putting on her to achieve, what if she decides academic subjects aren't for her?

IbizaToTheNorfolkBroads · 10/03/2023 08:15

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 10/03/2023 00:21

It's irrelevant, OP. The results reflect the fact that it's a selective school but they don't necessarily mean that your child will do better in that environment.

If she's happy where she is, then let her be. You will do her no favours by obsessing about GCSE results when she is only 7!

Completely and utterly this!

Bagzzz · 10/03/2023 08:17

My instinct would be don’t move but I’m not a parent. The other thing is schools change, headteacher or some key staff. Your DD is many years away from GCSEs and either school may change. Possibly not academically for a fully selective school but atmosphere.

LIZS · 10/03/2023 08:24

If she has such a long journey will she have time or energy to maintain her hobbies? Is anything similar offered at new school during the day? How did you intend to get both children to and from school on time - are there before/after school care, school bus for dd, nanny, lift-share with other families? It would be several years before she could take herself to and fro on public transport. What about attending parents' evenings, playdates, concerts etc. it seems you have focussed on longer term academics to the exclusion of practicalities.