My daughter is crying! She doesnt want to change her school!

[Georginalora]

Hi,

My daughter is 7 years old - she received an offer from one of the best academic schools in London - GCSE grades A is around %65. She is currently in independent All-through school till. We are happy with the school but school is mixability and our daughter is always been on top set. Schools GSCE A grades is about %40. She never wanted to change her school but she did amazing in 7+ assesment andd finally she had an offer from all of them. But in the end she doeant want to move. She is crying when we talk about new school and I feel so bad. Is anyone had that kind of experience? Do you think she can settle and love her new school? Or I should leave her where she is. Meanwhile her little brother is also in her current school and she doesn’t like the fact that they will go to different schools as well:( I want the best for her but I am so sad that she is unhappy right now. Really don’t know what to do:( Meanwhile new school has bad transport links so bad. In future if she wants to travel on her own to new school - she needs get a public bus (20 mins) then train (7 mins) then 20 mins walk. Her current school is 10 mins away with public bus.
What do I need to do? Please share your experiences and ideas 🌸

Moving a happy child from one all-through independent school to another for better GCSE results at the age of 7 makes zero sense. The only move that would make sense would be to a grammar school at 11+ if you didn't want to pay the fees of an all-through independent school. But your reasoning makes no sense and will cause your child huge disruption with yet unknown results.

I would leave her where she is and reconsider again at 11+.

7 years old is still very little and they spend so much of their time in school that I'd want them to be happy. I'm sure you checked out her present school before enrolling her and you must have liked it? Remind yourself of that.

If your child is bright, she will be bright in her current school. Don’t move her and cause her stress and upheaval.

I’ve been in a similar situation.

Your daughter loves her school as it is now but progressively her friends will move away (or be creamed off to selective schools).

The new school is probably better resourced, with a higher proportion of effective teachers, motivated parents and hardworking kids.

She’ll make new friends very quickly and have a chance to be with the same group as she grows up (and you DO have a fallback if it doesn’t work).

Those saying differently probably have family money and connections to help their kids along (and funds ect. for tutoring, holidays, books, computers and educational experiences).

Lots are pointing out the worst case re: friends and pressure but excellent schools worldwide are packed with kids who aren’t nervous wrecks with no friends.

The alternative (likely) scenario is that she’s treasured for her intelligence at the new school, is given opportunities for enrichment and growth, makes like minded friends, does brilliantly and earns a fantastic education which will serve her whole life.

She’s 7!!!!!!!!!!
If she doesn’t want to move and the school is a good school leave her there.

It’s not all about grades.

No need for the harsh replies, people.

OP, I am an English speaking immigrant in a non-English-speaking country. I get it. It's tough; you don't really understand what the "unspoken norms" are around education, and you always feel like other parents are doing more than you and are better at knowing about all the options out there. You worry that your child is going to be disadvantaged because of their immigrant mother, especially if your child does not speak the school language at home. You worry your child could be discriminated against. This can lead to a lot of anxiety and a tendency to over-think things.

I've totally been there too-- including panicking and wondering whether we should switch our school to the one down the road where "a higher percentage of kids get into private junior high schools at 12" (a few years down the line, and the % of kids who get into private junior high schools is now the same at both schools. So much of this stuff is about the mix of families going the schools, not anything magic that the school is doing).

I would also urge you to leave your daughter where she is; apart from anything else, a lot of time being spent commuting will mean less time spent on reading, homework and other activities that will support her long-term.

Yes I did three schools in three years, by the time I got to the third I decided there was no point making friends.

The school's GCSE result are worthless, how well your DD does is what matters.

You get one childhood, she is happy leave her be.

She sounds like a bright, well motivated kid with supportive parents, so is likely to do well in either school, and is more likely to do well in a place where she is happy and settled. She's only 7, so there's no rush to be worrying about GCSE results at this stage, just let her develop her love of learning as she seems to be doing right now. You can always revisit the decision in year 6, and see if she feels the same about her current school, or there are other schools that are secondary only (including grammars if they have them in your area) that would be a better fit for her in Year 7.

I moved my daughter when she was 8 from a local comprehensive school where she was happy, had friends and was comfortably top of the class and winning prizes to a school which had a gifted class. She cried and didn’t want to go, was unhappy for about a term and begging to go back to her old school. And then it started to turn around. She made friends, much better friends than she’d ever had before, which I expected (because yes parents do have more knowledge than 7-8 year olds).

She loved her school so much that when it was time to go to secondary school she cried once again! Because most of her friends were taking scholarships to independent schools but we had chosen a state selective (grammar) school where she knew nobody and it was an hour commute away. She cried her eyes out the first morning but got home that afternoon with the biggest smile on her face and has never looked back (now in year 11).

My son also sobbed his heart out over his secondary school (also a grammar) because he knew nobody and thought he wasn’t smart enough (despite getting in with no tutoring). He was unhappy for most of the first year (also a covid year so not great all round). He’s now year 10, has loads of friends and would never want to move schools.

This is an unpopular view but I think parents these days are terrified to let their children stretch themselves academically in case they fail. They equate learning with pressure and misery, when in fact kids who are highly intelligent love learning. I moved my kids because they were winning prizes with no effort and I wanted them to be comfortable taking intellectual risks. Since they changed schools they don’t win as many prizes, but when they do they value it so much more as it reflects their effort amongst a group of highly talented kids rather than just the good fortune of being born with a high IQ.

My advice would be to trust your instincts as a parent. Do you think she would benefit from a different environment? If so then take the place. I have no regrets about any of the choices I’ve made for my kids and they barely remember that they were ever upset about changing primary school.

I went to a perfectly normal state school for the entirely of my education and then went on to Oxford University - where incidentally there were students from all walks of life. The upside to coming from a great private school seemed to be the connections that that pupil had.

I expect that there are some statistics to show that better performing schools produce a higher number of students who achieve generally higher grades. However ultimately how well a student does depends in my opinion on their own ability, the involvement and encouragement of their parents and whether the child is happy.

It sounds as if your daughter is already at a good school at which she is happy and that you are involved and care about her education. Why change that now? Would it be possible to leave her at her current school until she is 11 and let her take the 11+ entrance exam for the new school? At that point a number of your daughters friends are likely to be moving to new schools which may make the process a bit less daunting.

Good luck with your decision.

Assuming there will be lots of other kids going into the year with her, she will get over her old friends and make new ones pretty quickly and the school she’s in will not stay the same, with her friends changing and many leaving in a few years anyway.

But it sounds like her current school is still good academically, so she’ll probably do just as well there if their course offerings are just as good. Schools don’t have to be super academic for clever kids to excel, most of the ones that are are like that simply because they are selective. Parental engagement and resources are more determinative of academic outcomes at GCSE.

I would look at the non-academic offerings and make a decision based on which seems to offer the best extra-curricula and pastoral experience and has the culture you think will suit her best.

At seven years old ( just my opinion & I live in an urban area so I know different for others ) I would not make my DC do bus 20 mins + train 7 mins and then a 20 min walk for the promise of the GCSE results on average being better in 8 or so years time over a 10 min walk to a perfectly good school. So 77% vs 84% I think in in the mix . Would concentrate less on the bare statistics and more on getting your own view on how the schools would suit your DD and how happy are you with the teaching ( & if she is v clever can they stretch etc )

I am assuming if you are going independently then 11 is the norm for girls going to the next school so she has a wee while yet & children can change a lot between 7 and 10 .

If you are tempted by the entry at 7 - make sure this gives her automatic entry to the senior school - some don't - you still have to pass the test .

That said - most children have to change schools at some point and cope very well.

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If she is that intelligent and academic she will do fine where she is. Poor thing she is only 7!!!! All her friends must be close by too. Don't upend her world.

If it is a selective school of course rhe GCSE grades are going to be higher,and not because it is a better school, just because it has a better intake.
You should be comparing the results of the top set at the current school with the new school !

She is 7 years old and education is about so much more than GCSE results!

If she is thriving, leave her where she is. I moved area and school at 20 years and never settled.

Bright self motivated children are likely to do well anywhere anyway! My dses both went to a very average comprehensive but as bright self motivated children, they both achieved top grades and got in to top universities.

At 7 though I was just pleased they were reading lot’s and enjoying learning!

Leave her where she is until she's 11.

If your child is in private school you might be better off asking a slightly different question... for example... Is St Xaviers in Bank a better fit for my academic daughter than St Zeldas in Waterloo? You will then receive answers from parents with children at those schools who will likely say things like... my daughter went to St X is now studying PPE at Oxford, extra curricular activities are great and all girls are supported to be part of the La Crosse team, play in the Orchestra and be part of the outreach volunteer programme.

I'd be listening to your DD who is clearly telling you what she wants.

Also consider that she is confident, happy and thriving. She is currently a big fish in a small pond - by sending her to this new school you run the risk of her becoming the small fish because everyone else will be smashing it too. That can be a real knock in confidence in some cases. But also, like PP said - she is worth more than her achievements.

@Georginalora avoiding the 11+ is a significant benefit that is being underplayed by many people here. kids are flexible. Could you say what the two schools are and where you live, lots of people here know a lot about UK schools. Would you move closer to the new school at some point?

Just leave her. If she’s going to get good grades she’ll get them any place. And grades are so irrelevant once you get the next step

I think at 7 years old she would settle very nicely into a new school. However I'd agree that with a purely selective school the results are bound to be higher and the travel alone sounds like a nightmare so on balance I'd probably leave her where she is.

You don’t but she does. Exactly what are you trying to gain by moving a settled 7 year old and making her travel more and be away from her friends? If she is in the top 5 then she will get the grades at the school she is happy and comfortable at

A lot of cruel posts on here. Clearly OP is not UK-born and educated. Where she is from may have a very different approach to education.

OP it's fine to ask for advice. It's also fine to want your children to succeed. A lot of the scornful comments here are borne out of jealousy because your child is such a high achiever. This is something you will have to get used to in the UK, people are deeply jealous of others' successes.

Just keep doing what you're doing, you will be fine.

I don’t know, if the new school is amazing I’d be tempted to take her for a look around at least. But if you don’t accept now it will have no bearing on 11 plus tests etc. At 11 other kids will be moving too and you could prepare her to be changing at 11 so she knows it will happen.

Leave her where she is, and look again at 11. She is clearly thriving and happy, so moving is simply not worth tye risk, particularly with that commute.

We had the choice of three part selective state secondaries for ds. The school he preferred had significantly lower results than the others.

But, because he was happy, he absolutely flew. Enough children in top sets to challenge him, but space to grow without pressure. He's at Oxford now.