Moving children from private to state education

[GreenL6]

I've made three posts and accidentally deleted them. This is short...
I'm heartbroken but have to seriously consider taking children out of private school to state. They've been there since nursery and now high school age.
Any positives? Good experiences?
I would do anything to keep them there but every option not viable for one reason or another!
Bursary also not helpful, said max help 10% if accepted and terms notice to leave said in a very matter of fact way, no skin off our nose, goodbye when you say.
Cried so much thinking of what I can do but it's just seeming impossible.

You need to try to stay positive for your children as you are transferring that negativity and anxiety reg state education to your children. Hopefully you can find goid state schools.

People actually do this? Are you that scared of the state system that you would sell the roof over your children's head? You really need to review your priorities

I think it’s actually better to do it now.imagine if u pull something off.I can imagine this situation will happen again. They might then be in really important years and that truly would de rail them.
you do need to be honest with them though.what your doing now will make them actually resent you and find it harder.you’ll suddenly pull the rig out from under them.where as if they know there are struggles and reasons they can be adult and talk it out.
you must teach and shovvy them up to make them feel they CAN do this though.don’t see it as a downside.give them every confirmation they can do it.
what your doing now will stress them out.they need to go in feeling they have got this and feel supported enough with it.
their extra activities were a privilege.and I’m sorry that just something they will have to see. But there is so much they can still do.for free often! Or more local and with jot so much prestige that it’s at rediculous cost.
people love school for many reasons.
whet if you were going for a new amazing job and home.a positive.wouod you be making them feel this way about leaving.so out that spin on this situation. React to it in a way that sees them manage and thrive.

*This will sound drastic but I'd relocate if you can and use that as the "reason" for them moving schools. Even moving 20 miles away would mean that you won't bump into people from their old school and will make it easier for the kids to come to terms with having to leave.

I'm sure others will scoff at this idea as if it's ridiculous to care about unsettling your kids but I totally get it OP.*

Curious about why the OP would need a "reason" when there is already an actual reason? Why not just use the truth? There is no shame in no longer being able to afford private fees, it happens to a lot of people through no fault of their own, often divorce, bereavement or redundancy. Not to mention the pandemic and now a cost of living crisis.

Suggesting that the DC tell people it's because they have relocated, ie that they should lie and pretend to their friends to save face, is a really really fucked up idea.

Hi OP, if it helps I moved to a state school from an excellent private school in Y8 and my siblings who were a little younger had to do the same because our parents got divorced. I can remember my mum being extremely tearful and worried on our behalf and I couldn’t understand what the big deal was. I made a group of friends at my new school and still have them to this day. My brother and sister did the same. However, none of us have kept in touch with our friends in the private primary school (or my one year in private secondary) but I don’t think that’s hugely unusual when moving to secondary anyway.

We all turned out fine (all in our 30’s now), good jobs and happily married with kids etc. None of us went off the rails and none of us are scarred by having to move schools. I promise you, your kids will be fine. My only tip would be not to let your fears show, as I went into my state school feeling more worried than I should have done but I was picking up on my mums anxiety about it all.

Don’t remortgage or sell your house to keep them there. From an adults perspective, I would be horrified if I’d found out my parents had done that. Private school should only be on option if you can comfortably afford it.

I’ve moved kids mid year, in spring and the advantage we’re we had a happy summer where they weren’t worried about the change as they had already done it and they could meet people from new school over summer holidays.
Im not saying there’s a wrong or right time just pros and cons for mid year and start of year.

Focus on the practical aspects of this problem, not the emotional ones. Your emotions are entirely down to anxiety, not reality - change is not always bad, so guilt and imagining the worst are just unhelpful to your situation. If your children are happy and settled where they are, this is a sign they are pretty well adjusted, confident children, and if this is the case, there is no reason to suppose they won’t be perfectly happy in a new school. They might even find it exciting to have a change after years of the same old, same old. They will pick up on your attitudes and feelings, though, so you do have a big role in how unsettling this is for them.

Go and look at the alternatives now. Make sure the one you like actually has space. Don’t wait around - just because they are state schools, it doesn’t mean they have to accept all comers when technically full, so they may have long waiting lists which won’t help your stress levels, as then you won’t know when you can give notice to the existing school.

Years 8 and 9 are a perfectly good time to move, but make sure the school your year 9 child goes to starts GCSEs in year 10, or that you can move them over asap, as some state schools get their pupils to choose their GCSE options at the end of year 8.

Will you be able to source any of the activities your children currently do in school, outside of school, if not on offer at the school itself? What subjects are you so concerned about them missing out on? How vital are those subjects and are there no acceptable alternatives?

It’s worth checking where has got spaces. You can be put on a waiting list. Not wanting to spook you further but a state school may not hold a place until September if it becomes available earlier so you may have to be flexible about start dates.

you will all be ok.

@AgathaMystery of course! Go ahead :)

@PyongyangKipperbang

I must say that isn’t necessarily the case.

The school I work at is over subscribed and we have this situation occur relatively frequently.

We always offer support IF an application supports it.

I don’t disbelieve the OP but I’m surprised by such a small award from a long-established school but it’s of course not impossible.

If they’re full they’re in a strong position so can afford to.

If they’re not full and need income then keeping the children is still beneficial rather than losing the income.

Going on further to what other posters have said
Do your kids do anything outside of their current school!
Play a sport at club or go riding or do a drama group?
Because not relying on school for all things social is also important too
You could start that now

I agree with this. It was much easier for my daughter to change schools because she had a large circle of friends from her livery yard and some of the girls from her yard went to the new school.

OP I hope you're feeling a little better today. Some nice and informative posts now on this thread.

Re- trying to finish the year, someone said move sooner rather than later and have a happy summer rather than worry about the change: this is such good advice imo.
The school is being rude about the situation your family is facing? do not give them a penny more until you have decided what to do. When YOU think would be best for THEM to move is what matters.
It's usually a perfect storm of shit circumstances that makes us having to face this situation, emotions are high and make it look worse than it actually is.
All the best OP.

I don't think anyone has had an empathy bypass. Just that most people have or will experience much "worse nightmares" than their children having to change schools. Pure Mumsnet.

Some comments are quite nasty and divisive on this thread and there is no need for that. If you just resent private schools, vent elsewhere, not where someone is genuinely asking for support.

However, there are others commenting here that are just as unhelpful with hyperbole about how terrible it is having to move to the state sector. It is sad that the DC are having to change schools but there are much, much worse things that they could have to deal with and they will be fine, maybe even happier who knows. A bit of perspective would be very beneficial for the sake of your DC OP. If you can see the positive in it, it is much more likely that they will too.

This reminds me of a colleague of mine who was going through a divorce. Her worst fear was that she would end up 'raising her children in a terraced house and sending them to state school' she told me, who was raised in a terraced house and went to state school. The worst thing that she could imagine was her kids ending up like me. Which was nice.

OP your kids will be fine provided you pull yourself together and make the best of it. Weeping and wailing isn't helping them or you.

Pure Mumsnet to judge others according to your own set of circumstances. To think that only people exactly like you deserve your compassion.
Plus there's always the 'anything private school: shoot on sight!' mob.

Presumably OP has to take her children out of their school because she already faces a set of upsetting circumstances? No need to sneer.

I wouldn’t want to move my children in Year 8 and 9, however, they are the ‘least bad’ years to be moving children from one secondary school to another. Year 8 in particular seems to be the year a lot of kids here move from one school to another, so they can get settled in before GCSEs.

However, I am going to tell the OP to get a grip. You would get a lot more sympathy and helpful responses if you ask ‘does anyone have any experience of moving schools in Years 8 and 9’ instead of wailing (and your posts do come across as wailing) about your privately educated children not being able to cope with a state school.

Not accepted by state and then washed hands of by private.
I must confess that any friends that ditch her because she has moved to a state school are nasty pieces of work and not friends. So don’t mourn the loss of those. They will be easily accepted at state schools, (unless they march around the place announcing that they are devastated to have to mix with the ordinary children,) they will just find other kids with similar interests and slot in with them.

Plus the facilities the private schools have that they use and won't be available. I wouldn’t be so sure about that. My DD is looking at a state 6th form for A levels. They have a lacrosse team and a polo team (and the year they went to the British Schools Polo champs, they were sneered at by the private kids, and then famously went on to beat them all.)

Also options as they do subjects not available to them. See above. The reason my daughter is looking at this school is because of their excellent Classics department.

I had a work colleague who had to swap his daughter from the local private school to a state school (the one both my kids are at atm) and he was similarly fearful, but on looking around the school he was amazed to find the facilities in some departments were actually better than at the private school. (He was astonished to find a massive music department, a small theatre and the photography suite complete with dark rooms. His DD’s private school had none of these things.) Don’t judge them before you have been and had a look. Some schools have different strengths, so decide what you need for your children and then look into schools that offer these subjects and facilities. It’s pointless going on about the facilities a private school has if your DCs don’t actually use that facility! And above all, don’t judge the state school kids - as other people have pointed out, somewhere in the region of 95% of all children go to state school, and deciding at such an early age that they are incompatible with the vast majority of other people is not a skill I would want my children to learn!

That’s not actually true. Not all schools use external assessors and it depends on the situation of the school too. Many private schools have had their reserves depleted over the last few years and can’t afford mid year bursaries if they have full fee payers on the waiting list.

no doubt there will be other schools with the ability to give larger bursaries too though

No, not all - that’s why I said ‘most’.

I don't think is it a "really really fucked up idea", even if it's not to your liking. I'm not sure I'd want to tell my DC that our financial situation was precarious. OP is clearly concerned about how her kids will manage the transition. Expressing it as "we're now too poor to send you to x school" is a much harder message than "we're moving here, exciting new house but the journey will be too far for you".

Anyway, it's just a suggestion. I was pulled in and out of private school and found it hard so it's coming from experience.

I'm not sure I'd want to tell my DC that our financial situation was precarious.

These are not toddlers, they're teenagers - would you really lie to them to cover up a change in your financial circumstances? What would you say when they asked why they had to move house, or if they suggested boarding as a way around the longer journey to school?

Nothing to do with lying 🙄: you can be truthful and realistic and still spare their feelings. As a parent you're supposed to protect your children, you know.
So, you only tell them when your head is no longer swimming, you have 2/3 clear choices to discuss with them. It's good if they have an element of control in what is happening to them.
You can discuss and give examples of successful people you've had the same experience in childhood and talk about the people they admire who do amazing things, without ever having set foot in a private school.

And yes, a move could maybe manage both feelings and finances, but I think OP said upthread it's not an option for her.

I agree with @backinthebox .

OP, you need to get a grip, your children need you more than they need their private school. Lots of children move schools for whatever reasons, moving countries even. There are challenges and of course as a parent it is worrying, but it is what it is. Don't try to stretch yourself, it will be too stressful. You can't afford it then you can't afford it, most people can't afford it. I would move them as soon as possible, so they can get a term in before summer, settle in a bit, go on some school trips, sports day etc. By the time they go back in Sept, they are not so new anymore.

The fear of the unknown and feeling of helplessness can make things worse than they really are. Start looking at your state options and go from there. I understand you like their current school and believe in a private education, which is why you have chosen to pay all these years, and it seems like you are depriving them of what they are accustomed to. But private schools are a bubble, in reality most people go to state schools. Doing your best doesn't mean the best in absolute terms, it means what you can reasonably do under circumstances.

I would tell the children what is happening, it is a big change so they need to know the truth and they are old enough to handle it. There is no need to spin anything, just tell them the facts. Friends drifting away are going to happen, regardless of private to state or the other way round. Friendships tend to change in Yr 9 anyway.

Some posts here might sound a bit mean because your posts sound like having to go to a state school is a failure, which rile people up. I think all/most people empathize with being forced to move schools and having your life turned upside down. I hope you have people you can talk to in real life.

@Problemoumo
Not sure why you're rolling your eyes - my questions were for a PP who would move 20 miles and then pretend to the teenagers that the new school was necessitated by the move, instead of telling them the truth. Bizarre, firstly for trying to obscure what's really happening, but also for forcing them to go through the extra upheaval of leaving their home, familiar environment and local friends at an already stressful time. Not to mention the cost. All to avoid admitting the true situation.