Moving children from private to state education

[GreenL6]

I've made three posts and accidentally deleted them. This is short...
I'm heartbroken but have to seriously consider taking children out of private school to state. They've been there since nursery and now high school age.
Any positives? Good experiences?
I would do anything to keep them there but every option not viable for one reason or another!
Bursary also not helpful, said max help 10% if accepted and terms notice to leave said in a very matter of fact way, no skin off our nose, goodbye when you say.
Cried so much thinking of what I can do but it's just seeming impossible.

I'm not in a strong position and they were very verbally cold to me. I don't want to go back to them

Ok fine but your situation therefore sounds unusual.

Happened to Michael McIntyre. He hasn't done too badly.

Yes but not many grammar schools out there now.

They are old enough to understand everything. Tell them all the details of your finances so they understand the reason behind the move.

State school applicants are favoured by Universities these days anyway.

I totally understand your fears , but honestly I have seen children leave in all years from my childrens private school to the local secondary and in nearly all cases it was successful . The couple I know about where it didn’t work out - the children involved were already having trouble at the private school . We live in a smallish town so all the local children private and secondary also did all the same clubs together , swimming, rugby , boys brigade. If you can get them integrated into some
clubs so they have some friendships before they start the new school, it will help the transition. Change is always hard , but the odds are in their favor, and the plus side, it’ll be easier to get into a good university from a state school …
Good luck and try not to worry . Also be upfront and matter of fact so they know the change is happening, years 8&9 will be capable of understanding the reasons .

You are both missing the point. How would you feel if you had to uproot your DC in Year 8/9 from the school they and you love, where they are settled and presumably have good friends, and send them to somewhere with much bigger class sizes and worse facilities? The fact that it’s a move from private to state is irrelevant here, the point is the OPs DC are being uprooted from somewhere they are settled and thriving at difficult ages.

OP, I really sympathise with you. Ultimately DC are remarkably resilient and will cope but it’s horrible for you all. Would renting your house out and renting somewhere cheaper be an option/ buy you some time? Might the school relent a bit if you actually give notice? Obviously depends on circumstances but do they have a long waiting list of children to fill your places in the current climate?

This is really interesting. Please Can I be a massive nerd and PM you?

OP you have my sympathies. It is a worry.

we moved ours in year 8, It was fine. Someone else joined comp from independent at same time due to divorce. They both did well and were happy.

pluses of state:
Bigger school which was more vibrant, buzzy and fun with more stuff going on socially and actually some choices in options and extra curricular that weren’t available in independent.
Some fantastic teachers, in fact the best teacher DC ever had was at the comp, life changing.
The aspirations and achievements in the higher sets at the comp were grammar standard so they didn’t miss out on ambitious, committed, successful peers

minuses - food pretty awful at comp and had been excellent in independent.
choral singing just not available at comp in anything like same quality (although music better at local state music service)
more sport/PE at Indy so DC was fitter there and we had to work harder to keep DC active
There was some drama (not for DC) and some low level disruption but that is real life.

it will feel better once it’s done and you can embrace it. You will all be fine. Hopefully you will have some spare cash for holidays, activities and maths tutors if you need it. Our comp were warm and welcoming and use to kids joining them. The staff were supportive with helping the kids with their strengths and seemed glad to have them and saw them as a valued part of the school community.

good luck. Just do it. They will be firm about the notice. These are tough times for private schools.

Or the state school kids by that reasoning.

It’s OP’s irrational fears. Not fact

It sounds like a very worrying time for you, it’s potentially a lot of upheaval for your DC when it’s not long before GCSE years. But if it’s financially unavoidable, then I’d suggest it’s better to move them as soon as possible to give them more time to settle into the new school before they need to settle on GCSE options and so on.

They are old enough to understand the reasons as well so that should help. Have you started researching your local state secondaries, finding out which ones have places etc?

I think the problem is that if the school has more children wanting to attend than they can accomodate, they wont offer you any help because they can fill your places with full fee paying students.

Its not a nice result for you but ultimately they are a business and can pick and choose.

Would you withdrawing them free up money that you can afford to do more fun things with? Also I agree that they are old enough to be told the full facts, it might help soften the blow when they realise the financial reality and it isnt just "Mum being mean".

Don't think it's the state school that Op is worried about. Not fair to imply or say she's being a snob. It's the change...the disruption.... her kids are being uprooted.

Kids are resilient Op. They will be ok.

It happened to me and I loved it. The private school was full of bullies and there was nowhere to hide. It gave me a warped sense of how important money is in your worth. Went to a comp aged 11 and never looked back! Yes there was still some bullying at the comp but there were so many more great people as it was much bigger so it wasn’t half as bad.

a good friend also had to move her kids as one was expelled and they were also so much happier in state education. In fact the younger kid asked if they could join the older sibling in leaving as they seemed so much happier.

you seem to be worrying unnecessarily about what may well not be an issue at all xx

It will be fine

We had to do this when our kids were 11 snd 12. They weren't just fine, they thrived

Oldest at Uni now, youngest doing a levels at the local 6th form

With hindsight, it was for the best. I did have to invest time and energy in finding sports clubs and ferrying them around myself...

They lost most old friends but made loads of new friends

Almost ALL kids reinvent themselves and find new friendship groups around year 9 anyway. It's when totally different kids suddenly become cool.

Honestly, with hindsight we wish we had never bought into the private school thing

Good luck

Btw I did love my old school despite the bullies and the snobbery but it was much more fun to go to a large school and meet such a wide variety of normal people. So it can still be very positive even if your kids love it where they are at the moment.

This will sound drastic but I'd relocate if you can and use that as the "reason" for them moving schools. Even moving 20 miles away would mean that you won't bump into people from their old school and will make it easier for the kids to come to terms with having to leave.

I'm sure others will scoff at this idea as if it's ridiculous to care about unsettling your kids but I totally get it OP. I will say that as someone who moved schools a lot as a child because of my dad's job, IME kids are more resilient and adaptable than you might expect.

This was always my worst nightmare and I sorry it’s happening to you. Thankfully we always dredged it up from somewhere and got through it, but it was a massive struggle the older they got. Just a suggestion, have you looked into any equity release scheme on your house ? Or even a mortgage extension if possible, for the last few years ?

This was always my worst nightmare and I sorry it’s happening to you.
Seriously? Your worst nightmare was having to take your children out of private school?

We did this after the GCSE'S and looking back I wish that we had done it sooner..Our DS was in one of the well known boys boarding schools and the fees were killing us. We struggled on until we couldn't take it any longer. They were very cold once they knew that we would not be returning, in hindsight I can't can't believe we ever left our DS in their care.

His 6th form years were so happy and his outcome could not have been better.It will absolutely fine , the best teachers really are in state schools. I would like to go back and talk some sense into the person that I was ( I thought it was end of the world). The school's reaction cured me and we have never looked back.

Your children will be fine , please don't struggle any longer. It is absolutely not worth it in any way whatsoever.

No I would imagine that her worst nightmare was having to take her children out of their school, knowing the upheaval it would cause them. The kids would feel the same at having to move schools whether it was fee paying or state, the effect on them would be the same either way.

Parents being all over the place about having to move kids from the school and the friends they love and are settled in for financial reasons is perfectly normal.
A parent who loves her kids doesnt want to take them from their school.....what a snobby cow!

The OP could afford it when she made the decision to PE, things have changed and now she cant. It sounds like she committed to their full schooling being private so things have obviously changed hugely for this to no longer be possible. How is that different to "We could afford to live in London when the kids where first in school and now in Y8 we have to move otherwise the house will be repossessed. How will the kids cope in a new school, I am so upset that we couldnt stick it out a few years longer."?

Did everyone get an empathy bypass today?!

I took it as she’s worried about the disruption and need for new friendships etc. rather than snobbery about government schools.

Ps we moved recently OP and moved our kids, government to government as it happens. I cried as I left them there (not in front of them) as I was so worried for them. They were reasonably settled within a week and now have lovely friends and are getting good grades.

@GreenL6 I have been there, I am so sorry. I completely understand what you are going through and how you feel about upsetting their world. (I was so alone and turned to MN too, which was entirely vile) Listen, it will be fine, somehow. It's always better to finish the year, if you possibly could, and I know you feel in no position to argue with the school but,...fuck them? They have a moral duty of care, which they won't admit to, but be aware that some parents go on for a long time being late with fees, they just don't put their cards on the table as honestly as you have. You need to visit the school your children will go to because I promise you, it's a lot better than what you probably think it is. It will really help to meet the head, the teachers and see for yourself that good people are everywhere. No it's not the same for your children but they'll learn different skills. They do have the foundations, they have that for ever. One of my DS was bookish, a dreamer, averse to any changes (still is), I thought he was going to be eaten alive for breakfast, he wasn't. Old friends fell by the wayside, as you expect. These days, they'll probably meet again with some of them, when they too end up going to the same school - times are hard. Anyway, they make new friends. I know it's a long way off, but the silver lining is that Universities and employers will absolutely favour children from state schools.
Listen OP if you're anything like me you're completely devastated and you also know that it's not the end of the world. It's a hard thing to go through, not least because you feel you're failing them, but this is not how they see it. I am here to tell you that your children will surprise you; together you will get through this and come out stronger and thriving. Really. All the best OP.

I would move your child in year 9 at Christmas, giving notice on Monday. At the same time, give notice for end of summer term for child in year 8, requesting that the in lieu fee for year 9 child be applied to year 8 child if possible. It’s quite reasonable considering how long you paid full tuition for two. It’s easier to move schools at the beginning of the year.