Moving children from private to state education

[GreenL6]

I've made three posts and accidentally deleted them. This is short...
I'm heartbroken but have to seriously consider taking children out of private school to state. They've been there since nursery and now high school age.
Any positives? Good experiences?
I would do anything to keep them there but every option not viable for one reason or another!
Bursary also not helpful, said max help 10% if accepted and terms notice to leave said in a very matter of fact way, no skin off our nose, goodbye when you say.
Cried so much thinking of what I can do but it's just seeming impossible.

You must think teenagers are really really stupid.

As a minimum wage Till Monkey, thank you Covid, I probably earn a tenth of what the OP pays in schools fees. Doesnt mean that I dont get how worried she and others would be in that situation.

I really think that you do not see that just because you would like to swap problems with the OP (so would I!) it doesnt mean that she should just shrug it off and say "Ah well, could be worse".

No, I just think your comment is really stupid.

No one is recommending to pretend, not tell the truth, obscure what's really happening or not admitting the true situation. That's why I'm rolling my eyes 🙄

The narrative here is about upheaval AND snobbery about state school. OP needs to change the title of her thread if otherwise.

No one is recommending to pretend, not tell the truth, obscure what's really happening or not admitting the true situation.

Is this a name change bake?

If not - yes, one poster did suggest that the OP should move house and then use that as the reason for having to change schools instead of telling the truth. PP said it was because they wouldn't want to tell the DC about being in a precarious financial position. The message was supposed to be "we're moving here, exciting new house but the journey will be too far for you". 🤷‍♀️

If their old friends not "accept" them then they are not real friends.

Your children will find their own tribe at the new state school.

We moved my DD from private to state comprehensive. It was fine. She blossomed. She found some things harder at first- bigger classes, disruption etc. Where she had been in the lower sets in some subjects at private school, she was middle to above in the comprehensive, and that helped her confidence no end. She made some lovely friends, got good A levels and went to a top RG university.

Your children have had a solid foundation and they have made life long friends. They have learnt how to be a good friend by now too. Do no fear. They will do very well. Research the best state school for them. Be positive and encourage the kids to still do their best and treat their school work seriously and their new teachers with respect. You need to be positive and show confidence in your children's abilities to adjust, adapt and bounce onwards and upwards. The kids will make new friends or reunite with old ones once they leave for uni anyway. Be happy to save the money - rejoice in all that is good. You are not a failure; the kids will not fail if you all remember not to be snobby and never denigrate their new arrangements.

Quote: Worried about them and also going to local high from local private. Seeing old private school friends in the town, not being accepted by them and also not being accepted by the local high school pupils. Feeling like not belonging in either place. I know how that feels due to moving schools and it's just awful!

Hi OP,
I just wanted to say I think you have a big part to play in both sides of this. Whether that is inviting old friends from school for tea or to join you doing something nice or new friends from the new school. Having friends welcome in your home for tea/getting a pizza/cinema trip - being willing to taxi friends will go a long way towards giving your kids a leg up in their friendships.

My son went to a different secondary from most of his friends and while it has taken a little while to start building solid friendships at the new school we have taken a group of fledgling friends for a pizza (dad took them and sat separately!) and welcomed anyone coming by the house. My son is into music and a member of several (informal) bands now at school. He stays to practice after school or goes to someone's house to practice which has been good for friendships so I would say encourage your kids to persue their interests/after school clubs etc. My son likes chess and goes to a local club and I have asked him if he would like me to contact the teachers to see of he can help run a lunchtime or after school chess club as their doesn't seem to be one at the minute. It would be another chance to form links with kids with similar interests.

His old friends live quite close and I reassured him he can arrange to see them anytime. He plays xbox online with them all the time- lots of bridging between old and new friends now due to online games. With their phones now kids can keep in touch and make arrangements easily and if you help taxi them to see old friends at first and if it is a bit far their need for this will probably settle down as they make new friends.

Children are remarkably adaptive. Whatever happens, divorce, death, school move, they adapt. They may have problems at some point, or miss something e.g. resources, but ultimately it will become the new normal. It will shape their drive in life as it will create a narrative for them around whether this impacted them and therefore is something important for them to pursue for their own kids later in their own lives.

Bottom line though is, while I get you’re feeling very stressed, this isn’t some kind of Dickensian ruination of your child going from a stately home to the workhouse, Forever deprived of opportunity. If they are capable and exercise initiative your children could be brilliant in life and Harvard or Oxford scholars of the future.

What I don’t understand is people who are so obsessed with private school that they impact their standard of living so horribly to put children through those schools.

Given you have been putting two children through private you have some ability to afford extras once fees are gone. Why don’t you use that money instead to fund: some ongoing tutoring; holiday learning camps; access to books etc

My husband wonders why on Earth his parents paid multiple sets of schools fees beyond when they could afford to for him and his siblings. 20 years on he thinks it's madness so please don't sell your home. He would prefer his parents to be living comfortably, not having to work and the inheritance in all honesty which by todays standard would have been almost a million pounds per child. Instead his parents have very little to their name! He met me at our Russell Group uni at 18 by the way.

I would look at the positives. What extra curriculars/experiences are you able to provide your children when you aren't paying for fees.

I would be concerned about the people they are meeting at their current school if they will just discard then when they leave.

I think that for most people emotionally you have to do a lot of mental gymnastics/deal with a lot of cognise dissonance to justify the enormous cost.

So you tell yourself independent school is right for your child because of
small classes
sport
facilities
aspiring, focussed, well supported peers
Latin
music
choral singing
art/dance/drama studio
triple science
rowing/lacrosse/top rugby

You say it to yourself over and over and parents say it to each other and the school says it to you. And you believe it. Most people have to to pay the fees.

So then when you can’t carry on. It makes you panic because you believed your own story. You had to.

I know because I did this. I remember getting the invoice for first term”s fees, plus lunches. Plus £10 for homework diary. WTAF. Of course. It is a business with margins even if it’s hundreds of years old with beautiful grounds.

OP I moved my child for a different reason but it was painful. At a meeting with he deputy head and form tutor, I cried all the way through it. I had been so convinced this was the right path and it was very difficult to turn that thought juggernaut around.

Hehehe 😂 from a single parent in a terraced house with children at the local state school.

Something similar happened to me when I took my DD and some friends out for DD’s birthday. We were passing some smaller houses at the end of one of the girl’s streets and the girl said that she was glad she lived in a big house and not one of the tatty terraced houses. And I thought ‘well, you know where we live!’ And there I was spending my hard-earned money on this judgemental teenager. She turned out to be a bit of a bully and my DD made other friends but that comment stuck with me, because I thought, well, it’s not coming from the child, she’s not been brought up to be accepting of different people’s means.

The thing I always think about my house is that there are plenty people in the world who would be more than happy to have it.

Similar story, I was on a train journey with my DB and he was telling me about my DN who wasn’t putting much effort into her homework. Apparently he and his DW had both threatened her with the local comp if she didn’t pull her socks up. I found this tactless as my 3 DC all went to the local comp (and did very well and are not happy in their careers).

I wholeheartedly agree with this post. We did private and then had a forced move when our business went down the pan due to covid. You spend so long telling yourself exactly what the PP listed in this post that you almost have to deprogramme yourself. I know it’s ridiculous but it’s an endless circle of justifying the money. I won’t pretend the move was seamless. My eldest has struggled to give her people (y8) and struggles with the endless disruption in the class (it is a school acknowledged bad year for behaviour) but she is ok. My younger two are happy and settled and my Y8 will get there.

I empathise hugely though with you OP - it’s horrible moving your children from where they are settled and happy to the unknown but they will be fine and you will be fine in the end.

@Winter2020 I found your post really helpful. We're likely to be moving our DD from private prep to state comprehensive at 11, partly due to cost but mostly for better SEN support (I am not impressed with SEN support at the local schools and she's not suitable for grammar - weird area with too much - mostly illusory - choice of schools).

The comp I teach in has decent facilities although the food is pretty awful as a PP said - but that's hardly the most important part. We offer Latin and Mandarin!

The private I used to teach in was only ever 15 sets of lost fees away from disaster, so I guess schools are having to be hard nosed. That's potentially 9 x years of financial assistance needed with DC in year 8 and 9. They will have been burned before.

Good luck OP. On the whole I find the DC are nicer and more accepting at my comp than they were at the private (a little less entitled perhaps?) Behaviour management is much stronger.

You're not a failure. I think you will feel better when you visit schools.

This is a really wise post. We planned to educate both of our kids privately. For various reasons, their needs suited both state and private school and I’m so glad we mixed it up. My son’s common or garden state primary has bern the making of him. He’s gained qualities and skills far more important than a smattering of Latin. And my daughter is really looking forward to joining that state sixth form college (where she plans to dye her hair green and play bass in a band). I know so many people who have been sold a great marketing job by private schools and who are, completely needlessly, scared of the excellent alternatives out there.

@HannahDefoesTrenchcoat

93% of children go to state school. Many go to top universities, can become vets, lawyers, doctors.
If you name your state options you might find it more helpful. Have you even visited them? You see woefully uninformed about state education. State schools are as varied as private schools. Our local private school is dire and I would feel I was letting my children down if they don’t get in to the local academy sixth form and have to go to the private instead.

Great post @HannahDefoesTrenchcoat

i went to a private school for secondary and while I happily sent my kids to state primary but was quite worried about the move to secondary. I thought maybe I should be giving them what I’d had - even though I didn’t massively enjoy my secondary I thought I’d probably done better in terms of grades and uni than I would have. (I would have gone to a former secondary modern with a bad reputation in its first year of being a comprehensive).

But my oldest has done so well at his state school that now I just feel smug about tens of thousands of pounds not spent on private school. I think state schools today are so much better than they were when I would’ve gone. Properly comprehensive now and with lots of opportunities.

We moved our DC from private to state between years 9 and 10 so she could do the options she wanted for GCSE. It was fine, both schools were excellent for her at the stages she was there.

Pick your school wisely. 😊

Let’s be optimistic. What if they are accepted by both sets of children- well then they expand their friendship groups. Why would their old friends not accept them anymore? It would be very shallow if it was because of the different type of school they go to, in which case they are not the right friends to have anyway. Why else would they suddenly dump your DC if they have had friends since nursery - I expect they will want to keep in touch and will enjoy their out of school friendship. You are assuming the worst.
My DC are at state schools but they have friends at private schools that they were at primary with. Their cousins go to private schools but they are no different to them when they hang out. children from different schools hook up on social media and they go to the same parties, wear the same clothes get the same ridiculous 1980’s haircuts.

I think like a previous poster had said this is about you. You feel you are letting them down (you really are not) and you are worried about them not being accepted by their richer peers. I suspect your DC will just crack on, have a few bumps along the way like starting any new school or workplace, and go on to be great adults.

Tough to have to move kids when they're in the middle of senior school. But it's not the end of the world? Kids are more resilient than we think?

Have you looked around some of the state options? Discussed GCSE choices for the Y9 one? Think you have to start being practical here.

FWIW dd has a friend who has just moved independent to state and she's doing fine. She still hangs out with her old friends while making new ones at the new school. The two 'camps' are not mutually exclusive.

I think your kids sound caring and grounded so will completely understand the situation and would probably hate for you to feel that you have “failed” them. I absolutely get that it’s not the ideal time to uproot but needs must and later in life I think they will look back on the experience and probably realise it will have actually enriched their lives especially as they’ve been there since nursery! Academically they will be fine as states school cater for all levels so if high achieving that will be fostered. (Although can only speak for the ones round here …plenty of my dd1’s friends at Russell group) . Dd2 at different state and has been doing after school revision classes since summer of year 10 for the keen ones.
is there a local sports club they could join to get mixing . My dd’s netball club has lovely group of girls, you wouldn’t be able to tell which are from private or state.