Moving children from private to state education

[GreenL6]

I've made three posts and accidentally deleted them. This is short...
I'm heartbroken but have to seriously consider taking children out of private school to state. They've been there since nursery and now high school age.
Any positives? Good experiences?
I would do anything to keep them there but every option not viable for one reason or another!
Bursary also not helpful, said max help 10% if accepted and terms notice to leave said in a very matter of fact way, no skin off our nose, goodbye when you say.
Cried so much thinking of what I can do but it's just seeming impossible.

Also, when I started the new school, no one cared where I'd come from... Was asked once, I said the name of the school, and was met with 'well this place must seem a right shit hole then'. No one cared

There are really not that many people around who can fund two children at private school for a few years. It's not small change.

Moving schools often feels a bigger deal to the parents than the kids themselves.

There's plenty of positives - I moved my kids to a different prep school (so admittedly still within the private system), had a lot of prevaricating about friendship groups and my decision but honestly it was the best thing I did. My eldest benefited from a clean sheet of paper, rather than being that slightly dreamy 4 year old (he moved in year 5, his brother a bit earlier).

Over the years, I'd say that 30% of his year have moved from private to state and they were absolutely fine. Friendship groups change a lot, particularly for boys, and during the secondary transfer in any case.

I know you're feeling bad but your kids will be fine. And there's times when some of the sharp-elbowed private school parents don't always create the most positive atmosphere for the other pupils. I'm sure you get those in state schools too, but they seemed to dominate at our prep school.

@GreenL6 You won't be the only person in this position this year. It's stressful moving schools, especially when it's forced on you.

Y8 and Y9 are not bad times to move in terms of GCSEs etc, I think it's better to go now than try to cling on for another year and have to move part way through GCSE courses (I know you said that's not an option, but even so).

I used to teach at a school where we would have children join having been to a local private school- not often but 4 or 5 in the time I taught there. They usually fitted in pretty well- most of them joined clubs etc and made friends that way- but honestly one advantage of a larger school is that you're more likely to meet likeminded people. Do they not know anyone who goes to the local school currently?

If previous friends drop them, then those friends weren't worth knowing. But I think you know that deep down.

It is harder for some students getting used to larger class sizes etc, but will you eventually have some spare money to pay for tutors etc if needed? You may also want to pay for more activities outside of school too.

The idea of selling your house to pay fees is mad. Rent will likely be more than your mortgage anyway, so will just make you worse off.

Lots of children do move in state schools in year- the school will support them in terms of finding their feet and making friends!

OP, I'm really sorry that you're having to do this. Not because it's a private = better/state = worse issue per se, but because nobody wants to uproot their children from a school where they are happy and have friends, especially not in Years 8 and 9, which are pretty awful anyway.

As PP have suggested, is there any way you could keep them there until the end of the academic year? IME there is always a bit of movement over the summer; I have had DC in independent schools for nearly 20 years, so I have seen a fair bit of this. I know several families who moved their DC to state schools at this sort of age, and they were mostly fine. For some, it was a positive choice to move their children at 11/13; for others, it wasn't something they would have chosen.

If you really want to stick with the independent sector, you can remortgage, or take out a loan, or sell your house, or pay at least some of the fees on credit cards. I know people who have done all of these (I did two of these myself so as not to upset the apple-cart when the DC were already upset enough by divorce).

If your DC do have to move schools, PP are right that you need to be positive about it all. But I think it's also okay to tell them that you would have liked to have kept them at the schools they are at, but it's just not possible and that you will do your best to find alternative schools which will suit them.

Whatever you do, you are absolutely not a failure. Sometimes circumstances mean you aren't able to do what you wanted to do. That's no reflection on you, though.

This!

Please don’t worry OP - your kids will be fine. It’s actually a good time to move before Y10 when GCSEs start in earnest.
Yes there will be a wider social mix at state compared to private school but I’m sure you already know that doesn’t mean those kids are any less ambitious academically. You may have to look outside school for support in certain extra-curricular activities but I always think that’s a good thing as it broadens your friendship base.
If it’s any consolation, many of my friends here in London are moving their DC to state for sixth form because they’re so worried about the (perceived!) anti private school bias in university admissions. So you could just consider yourself to be getting the move to state done a bit earlier!

DS did Latin at a state secondary.

the best year of our daughter’s life was Year 7 at a selective mixed grammar school. We left the country for France after this year and it just about ruined her life. She went to a private bilingual school there that taught through child abuse and humiliation. Oh and the kids were nasty, snobbish and thought cheating was normal. DD became very depressed and has never fully recovered. Tried to return to state system 3 years later in UK but no school would have her- since she’d missed first year of GCSE…and they refused to let her join for the second year. They said come back for 6th form! So we were forced to go private to a non-British curriculum school.
Bonkers.

OP you need to move your Y9 child sooner rather than later. It’s much much harder to
move in year 10 as option blocks get chosen and fill up in Y9, if three year KS3.

I don't get the relevance of this, what are you saying, that moving out of year 7 was the worst thing that could happen...this is what the op is saying.

Loads of people will be in your position.

My son is at a state grammar and people from private schools join in year 8 and year 9 actually whenever they can get in.

It used to be that some moved the other way but not now.

It may seem hard and unfair but to be honest I think it is completely unfair the way so many private schools are supposedly run as charities.

My son got courted by a private school after 11 plus and I remember them saying that people do sell their house for a place at the school etc et. When I looked at the total cost they soon dropped interest in us and I remember a comment from the bursar along the lines of well if you do not have 200K then obviously it won't work out and that was it. All marketing and lovely communication stopped. It was a good lesson for us and we are so grateful we didn't fall for their marketing.

The other thing re private schools is they can get rid of your child quite easily for many reasons, so people think they pay and get a service but not always.

Also how can it be fair that a private school student receives so much more investment than state school equivalent pupils?

if you local private friends don't stay friends or acknowledge you then that in itself speaks volumes and I would run for the hills sooner rather than later.

OP, I think you’ll feel a lot better once you go and see some schools.

It’s really sad that there’s such immature reverse snobbery on here. People find it hard to muster any sympathy for anyone who has any sort of privilege. Of course it’s worrying. Changing school is always worrying, state or private. They will be fine.

Be honest with them, and don’t be over dramatic. They will be fine.

What’s actually happened OP to your finances?

This!

I totally get feeling sad / worried about the kids having to move school as that's unsettling for them (and would be the case with any school move) but the fact it's a move from private to state...oh how terrible! How do people think the majority of the population have survived!

To sell your house to cover school fees??? Unbelievable!

I meant...

If local friends don't stay friends they were not friends and better finding out now.

And everything countrypunk said.

Also as stressful as it may seem have faith in your children and don't pass your anxiety onto them.

Also private schools will sell you the dream but remember at the end of the day they want your cash. Best calling it quits now.

Private school is for the super rich.

I feel your anxiety OP, and all I will say is that it can go just fine. My DD2's ex GF came from a private school into the state sector in Yr10 due to divorce. Our local comprehensive is good, but not outstanding, and the catchment is mixed. GF did keep in touch with the true friends she had made at her previous school and at her new school she fell in with the academically ambitious studious group that my DD2 was also part of. They all got fabulous GCSEs, were all prefects in Yr 11 and all achieved highly at A levels despite COVID. You sound incredibly supportive, so your DC will have the best help at home too.

OP we’ve chosen to do this despite no financial reason to- and mid term too despite an outstanding prep we couldn’t love more. But having looked at several schools and not got a place in one further away we felt it was definitely our best option for secondary so applied for a late entry place when noticed (unusually as it’s heavily oversubscribed ) they hadn’t been filled.
So far DS has coped really well and found it very interesting academically . He’s found all the boys and teachers lovely . He misses his friends and it must be a big change to go suddenly from a small school to one over 1000 but he seems extremely cheerful and unfazed.

I feel for you that it’s out of your hands but I just hoped that would encourage you . our DS is the first to love his friends and extra curriculars etc but is finding so many opportunities at his new school too and even a sailing club. You may feel much more positive when you find out about the state schools near you as a friend has moved her son to a different state school to us too and says her son (who loved his prep too) already prefers it . It’s earlier days for us but I think it will be good for DS and full of opportunities

@GreenL6 you haven't failed. You've worked hard and made sacrifices to give your children what you considered to be the best start. They've had several years of (hopefully good quality) private education. You're now about to teach them other valuable lessons - living within their means, and resilience in the face of change.

State education can still be excellent education, and able children can still excel. Have a look at what's available, read inspection reports, and visit the local schools. Depending on your children's interests and preferred subjects, you might also want to look at whether there are additional ways they can continue them. For example, if they enjoy a subject that's not available at their new school, could you afford for them to do it as an extra activity? I did this at GCSE when one of my favourite subjects clashed with one I needed to do for the A-levels I wanted to do - the cost would be for tuition maybe once a week, any additional learning materials, and entry fees for the exams.

Your children will pick up cues from you on how to feel about this. If you present it as a terrible thing, they'll perceive it that way. So you need to get confident that you're doing the right thing. You've got this.

State school all the way!
I went to a very large state school that wasn’t academically selective and would want the same for my children.

• Your friend base is as varied as society as a whole.
• Schools do a lot to cater for different interests and career paths (looking back we have almost every profession imaginable).
• A good range of teachers to mentor you that ‘fit’ your style (huge benefit of a large school).

I ended up studying at one of the best universities in the world and getting a very good job. The sky is the limit and over time the further you get in your career, the more value you can add if you can empathise with different perspectives.

OP I think people are being unnecessarily harsh. Moving schools especially when it's a big change of environment is tough.

Sorry if I've missed it but what is the reason for the change in financial circumstances? I.e is it a job loss which could change or illness/divorce which won't?
I would cover all bases. Look at the state schools, be positive but at the same time cover yourself as best you can with the private options.
Presumably even if you give notice it is highly unlikely they'd fill their spaces for one term? So it's probably best to give it and then try and re enrol should one of the options like a school job come up in the meantime.

You do have some time to explore the other options like house sale, mortgage extension etc before Easter

The school should be doing more to support - have you had a face to face meeting with the Bursar? If they haven’t offered useful advice/support I would raise with the governors because most would be upset at pupils having to leave a school they’ve attended for such a long period of time … the school certainly doesn’t come out of this well & I’m sure would like to avoid the negative chatter which I’m sure will ensue.

@GreenL6 Have you tried contacting the Educational Trust Forum - they have a search function on their website that allows you to search for grants to cover the cost of private school fees. Depending on your occupation/familiy members' occupation you can be eligible for different grants - they were able to help me fund the full fees for my son for about 3 years.
educational-grants.org/find-charity/?page=4

Also, for what it's worth, I made the move from private to state as a child. It was hard, but I got through it. It was just as hard moving from one state school to another state school in all honesty. Kids are very resilient and they will surprise you by how well they can adapt. Aso, its worth remembering, that in terms of secondary education, kids who go to a good state school will be at an advantage when it comes to university admissions due to widening participation/access initiatives.