Moving children from private to state education

[GreenL6]

I've made three posts and accidentally deleted them. This is short...
I'm heartbroken but have to seriously consider taking children out of private school to state. They've been there since nursery and now high school age.
Any positives? Good experiences?
I would do anything to keep them there but every option not viable for one reason or another!
Bursary also not helpful, said max help 10% if accepted and terms notice to leave said in a very matter of fact way, no skin off our nose, goodbye when you say.
Cried so much thinking of what I can do but it's just seeming impossible.

I mean this kindly, @GreenL6 - you are catastrophising. You're obviously going through a really challenging time and you're allowing your distress to cloud your judgement. You aren't failing your children by needing to remove them from their school. Instead you are providing them with the opportunity to develop their resilience through coping with change.

Children move schools all the time. I've always worked in London schools and the amount of children moving in and out mid year is relatively high due to job changes, house moves, international relocation, etc. New children usually settle quickly and make new friends. There's always a level of excitement when a new child joins a class and in my experience (I've been a teacher for 10 years) there is an eagerness amongst the existing children to get to know someone new and a bit of competitiveness as to whose friendship group the new child will join. Having a new classmate is a novelty and teenagers are much more accepting and welcoming than you might assume.

Plus I will say this - having taught in both state and independent schools - the quality of teaching in independent schools is really no better and often worse than in state. Many state schools have excellent facilities and a wide range of extracurricular opportunities on offer. Rather than panicking and making assumptions, go and have a look round your local schools and I assure you that you will probably be surprised at the quality education on offer.

Your children will maintain their existing friendships and make new ones. Their worlds will get bigger and more varied. If you frame this as a positive change rather than a disaster, your children will see it as such.

For context, I moved from private to state when I was 8 due to my family circumstances changing. I know my parents felt similarly to you. But I had a great time in my new state school and the first person I met on my first day is still my best friend 30 years on. It didn't do me any harm!

The main thing to remember is that you have raised them well, you are a supportive parent and above all if they have the strength of character and resilience, they will do well anywhere. One of mine went to a selective grammar and flunked, the other went to a secondary with a bit of a reputation and got As and A*s.

Not from private to state, but my children have all changed schools for one reason or another in secondary years and i dont think its that bad. If it didnt work out and they werent happy, then you could try one of the online schools maybe which are much cheaper than a brick private school and then its only few years till college.

I would try not to catastrophise. They can keep in touch with any good friends and theyll make new ones. Most secondary school kids really wont get the private school thing and wont care as long as your kids arent snobby or act like its a downgrade.

Our state and private school very nearby, I worry they won't belong in either camp. Not accepted by state and then washed hands of by private.

Doesn't say much for their “private” chums

My son was in private until year 7 when he moved to the grammar school. In many ways, the grammar was more like a private school than his original school. We found that sport was the way forward with making new friends. They need to join clubs etc for activities that interest them and they will quickly find new friends.

You've done your absolute best for your DC. It's horrible to have to move them out of purely negative motives (lack of money) rather than moving for a positive reason (relocation or grammar school/sixth form college opportunity, say), but that doesn't have to mean that the move itself will necessarily be all negative. Have you visited the local school and spoken to them? You might feel better once it feels more like a real place to you with names and faces rather than just a symbol of failure with the previous school.

Also, big assumption here as you haven't mentioned the extent of the financial difficulties but assuming the fees are very high, might you find that you have a bit of disposable income left once you no longer have the burden of school fees? If so, perhaps start looking into opportunities for DC and the rest of the family - support for their extra curriculars, say, or something else to look forward to for the whole family. Apologies if the change to finances rules this out.

I can completely understand your anguish about having to uproot your children when they are happy in their school and have been there a long time. That must be very hard and I sympathise.

I don't really understand your fear of the state school system, particularly when you say you went to a state school yourself. Of course it depends on the state offering in your area, but there are many state schools that are very good.

For those who are saying that the DC will benefit from being in state schools when they come to apply to university, this is simply not true. Any adjustments that are made (contextualisation) are purely to eliminate the advantage conferred by private education (smaller class sizes, more resources etc.) to some state school pupils. So there is no advantage to be had, just possibly an adjustment if their state school disadvantages them. Their academic results will simply be considered within the context of their cohort, exactly the same as if they had been in their previous school.

Lordy, you make it sound as though you’re sending them to the workhouse. It’s school, you know, where millions of children go. Just tell them they’re moving and do it. It’s you who has the issue, not them.

It’s very stressful having to move your children. We moved our dd from private to state when she was in year 2 (and it was a state school in quite a tough area), then she moved to all girls private at 11, not knowing anyone, then she moved again to state for sixth form. She has soo many friends (now 18)! She kept in touch with her best friend from the first private school, her best friend from the state primary and she has heaps from both her senior schools. So try to sell it to your daughters as a positive thing, which will increase their social circle.

Also, in some ways I wish we’d moved dd at the end of year 9. The private school was great for years 7-9, with lots of variety, days off curriculum etc but once the exam years start, all that goes out the window. It’s just exam cramming, whatever school they’re at. It’s tedious and stressful and not good value for money.

Op with the best will in the world you’re being utterly ridiculous and catastrophising without actually seeing the other schools. Your children are not having their lives turned upside down, they’re going to a different school and with no disrespect so long as they don’t go into the new school being all snooty nobody will care where they have come from,

and yes I do know how it feels; I’ve moved my children between sectors and it’s uttterly a non issue

private schools are a for profit business they’re not sentimental or bothered that you paid fees for years
ok so your children will be ok,they need you to be reliable,centred,and strong. You’ll need to conceal any misgivings.
undoubtedly it’ll be different,adjustment to new school new friendship. They
will be fine.
They’re off to a new school, you’ll need to fake it to make it. I appreciate you’re very disappointed.

Move them at Easter at the latest. Option groups are set the term before and teaching for GCSE may we'll start.

I moved from private to state when I was younger. It’s true I struggled with friendships but then I was a pretty shy child. Private was much more nurturing and the small class sizes suited me better but honestly I think I turned out fine in the end.

with the way things are your children won’t be the only ones making this move and I completely understand your worry but just be a supportive parent and they’ll be fine.

children are more adaptable then you think.

Ex School Bursar here, when I arrived I had to deal with all sorts of arrangements and issues including people who had lost their homes after getting into debt to pay fees. I always believed in a swift exit before things got really bad for parents. I had people crying or shouting or even threatening suicide if the fees were unpaid and they had to leave. I didn’t hear of any children who weren’t ok afterwards (smallish town) and indeed some parents were grateful in the end. Focus your efforts on getting them into the best school you can find, be positive and do what you can to help them settle in, they honestly will be fine. I do recall one parent saying how could anyone have children in state school they would end up in prison. At this point I told her that all my children had been through the state system, got degrees and decent professional jobs and she was incredulous. Anyway finally to say I met a group of friends with half of us choosing state school and half private and…there is no difference whatsoever in their achievements as young adults. Turns out it was the parental care and support that made the difference.

Is there any groups/clubs outside of school that they could join to expand their friendship group in the meantime? For example, the local rugby team or tennis club? I know my DN found the move from private to state a lot easier because she had a few people she knew at the local secondary through her swimming club. The main thing to remember is, children are so much more resilient then we give them credit for.

You need to move the Year 9 one soon so that they can get their gcse choices sorted. Go and be proactive and look at the choices you do have. It may be difficult getting both children in the same school you prefer - that’s what I would be more worried about.

Can you say which schools you are in the catchment for or near? Posters maybe able to give you an idea of their strengths?

I was privately educated and sent my children to state school. The teachers were better at my childrens’ state school. One has just left with 3 Astars (and no tutoring).

Does this mean you're also losing your job, house, car and will be living in B&B accommodation whilst dependent upon Food Banks and undergoing treatment for a life threatening illness? If it does, that's very sad, but you will get through it.

If it doesn't and you still have your home, a job of sorts, car and health, then, realistically, you're looking at an unplanned change of school to one you wouldn't choose if things had remained as comfortable, but will save you so much money that you'll notice a significant improvement to your finances now you aren't tied into handing over thousands every year.

We get kids coming from private (and a small number leaving to go there) throughout the year groups. It's pretty much guaranteed that there will be a batch towards the end of Year 9, a large contingent for Year 12 and then another group coming in the next year to repeat Year 12 with different subject choices. They all settle in fine, and this isn't a fancy state school in the slightest, especially compared to the new all-singing and dancing academies that have opened over the last few years.

It's always hard when things seem to go wrong, but without a stack of things all happening to you at once to the degree that I suggested at the start of this post, the reality is that Everything Will Work Out.

I know what private school you are referring to very well. It’s a great school (s). But there are lots of good state schools in the area , and the surrounding areas. They will be more ok than you think. Hope you are ok

I was literally thinking the same thing!! The ‘sell your house’ comment surely had to be sarcasm?!

Kids are always more resilient than their parents imagine. I am sure you are feeling g all sorts of emotions and probably lots of guilt....not that you should, circumstances change, but I imagine you are projecting quite a lot of your own worst fears. Kids move secondary schools all the time, yes it is upheaval but if they are y 8 and 9 then they still have time to get settled and get on with gcse's. I'd be inclined to move them now, even if it's fees down the drain, still early enough in the school year and they will really benefit from that settling in time.

My father's job meant I went to four primary school and four secondary schools. Year 8 moved from Berkshire, year 9 from Oxfordshire, year 10 from Sussex mid GCSES, moved to Wales, different syllabus, different exam board. I sort of survived.

Move them now is my advice

I have known several families whose kids have moved from private to state in secondary and they’ve all been fine. Most of the parents have commented that the state school was actually a lot better than they expected- because a lot of private school parents justify the fees by sharing (mostly exaggerated) horror stories about state education.

I also know some families who have impoverished themselves to keep their kids in private when they couldn’t afford it. While they will never admit it, it is obvious that it was a mistake. Their kids are no more happy or successful than anyone else, meanwhile the parents are now left scrambling to get back on their feet financially before retirement.

Honestly people at the private school I worked at either sold or lost their houses when legal action was taken.

My children are in state school but I'd hate having to move them due to the disruption to education and friendships so I do understand why you're anxious.

For those saying try to delay until September I wouldn't recommend that personally. You may have to wait on waiting lists for a while for places to come up anyway so I'd apply sooner rather than later. Have you looked into which state schools have places?

Good luck x