First time boarding - missing DS so, so much

[muppetsmum]

We dropped our DS off yesterday to start weekly boarding at Y9. He totally wanted to do it, it's a fabulous school about an hour away and I know that it is absolutely the best thing for him as he is bright, sporty, musical and outgoing and will thrive with so many more opportunities than he will get at a day school around here. I have another daughter who is going into Y11at a day school so thankfully, she is still at home. I always knew this would be tough but it's even worse than I thought. It feels so final and like every time he's back, it will be 'on borrowed time'. He's obviously been away before, even for a week, but it feels like his 'life force' has left the house now. I keep looking at the back door and the fourth chair at the table and thinking that he'll never walk home from school through the door again, and of all the meals with only three of us at the table. I realise this is really self-indulgent, so many people in worse situations than me, even my daughter said to me 'He's not dead, Mum'. Every time I see something of his, tears come to my eyes. We have a very close relationship, we're very similar in many ways. Of course I'm so lucky that my daughter is here and she is an amazing girl, but somehow I can't seem to find consolation in that and that makes me feel guilty, like maybe I don't love her as much (obviously not true). Is this at all normal or am I totally over-reacting? I am a very emotional person, often overly so, but generally of sound and sturdy mental health with a good network of friends (who seem to cope much more sensibly than me with their kids boarding). Is this even vaguely normal? I know this is very early days but can anyone tell me how long it takes to start adjusting? How the heck do people manage to do full boarding or go overseas and not see their kids for weeks/months on end???

Your posts started off perfectly reasonable, & then you started saying OP should ask her own friends and not ask here as the subject was too ‘divisive’ and that she was ‘tone deaf’ for even asking. You may be right that OP’s long gone, it’s hardly surprising if she is.

I am very sorry that happened to you
You should really try to avoid threads with talk of Boarding school if possible, it’s understandably pretty triggering for you

@Hoppinggreen i am drawn to them like a moth to flame in 30 year quest for understanding what happened to my family and me! I am fine - pretty robust these days, lots of therapy, lots of life under my belt. Right - kiddos home I am off.

@Burpeea
Best wishes to you x

Honestly the posters on here who think they have some sort of authority to tell people that are anti boarding that they shouldn't share their opinions or experiences are laughable.

Boarding chips away at the family connection with every missed family meal, every skipped school run, and every "good night sweetheart" that goes unsaid. That's fine, I guess, if everything goes well at school but for a huge number of children school is hard. parents of boarders are taking the gamble that their kid will be one of the lucky ones and wont experience sexual abuse, bullying, illness, etc, because if they DO there is no family safety net to help those children. Not having family around on a day to day basis from a young age changes the way you relate to them. It just does. And we acknowledge that when we say "oh but it makes children more independent". So why not acknowledge the flip side of that so-called independence? We don't routinely have husbands & wives living separately from each other unless there's a breakdown in the relationship because we know that's not conducive to a strong family unit. But it's ok to do that to boarding school children because some turn out fine so shhhh to the rest of you who have had traumatic experiences please censor yourselves lest you upset the OP.

That's why this thread riled me. The OP is looking for sympathy for making a decision she made that affects her son far more than it affects her. It's self indulgent nonsense and she is not owed our sympathy nor am I obligated to be silent.

@Burpeea I'm very sorry to hear about your dreadful experience and the way you were then penalised for your suffering. There was both peer-on-peer and teacher-pupil abuse at my school too. All hushed up of course. When the girl's family complained to the school about the teacher grooming and abusing their daughter the Head blamed the girl (he was 60 and she has been telling him to back off!) and threatened to suspend her so they retracted their complaint. I guess they didn't want the stigma and gossip. I hate the thought that she might still be affected by it all as she is 1000x more worthwhile than any of the staff involved in her abuse and cover up. I'm sure the same is true for you.

@SoupDragon You made me laugh there re the navy

DS had a friend who asked for weekly boarding as his after school activities went on so late & after his commute home plus homework , eating etc he was shattered by the time he had to get up to get the bus the next day. Weekly boarding - I have friends who have done this is not sending your children away. ( especially at 13 years old. ) every weekend home. half term , exeats ,holidays - it is not like the children from Narnia leaving home for years whatever people think. & I do think it is unkind of people to say weekly boarding is "getting rid of your child" The child I speak of did not hate his family and knew what he was asking for. ( Actually he was more like 16 than 13 but anyway. )

I'd be in favour of a specific boarding school thread within 'education', as it's a bit tiresome to read endless posts from people saying that anyone who sends their child to a boarding school must be abusive in some way (either at home, or by sending them). @DawnMumsnet

@Lilgamesh2 Honestly the posters on here who think they have some sort of authority to tell people that are anti boarding that they shouldn't share their opinions or experiences are laughable.

It's not having authority, it's just their opinion of boarding isn't the topic of the thread. OP is not questioning her decision, she wasn't canvassing for opinions on the pros and cons of boarding. She felt lonely and wanted a outlet to express it in the hope of reading others experiences and advice.

Others are free to start their own thread on the merits and drawbacks of boarding, and in such a thread these opinions will be a welcome part of the mix. But here they are off topic and obviously unhelpful.

But if you read the OP, this is not a thread asking for opinions on boarding school. If it were then sharing your views is valid.

Instead the thread asks for support for missing her son. There’s no need to respond if you disapprove and your personal view on boarding school are completely irrelevant.

If you want to debate your personal views, then start your own thread.

if you don’t have first hand LIVED experience of your own babies away at boarding school, then wtf are you doing trolling fellow females who are feeling bereft and vulnerable and asking for advice and SUPPORT from fellow boarding mummies ?

What if I was the “baby” away at boarding school who would have been very grateful if my “boarding mummy” had thought twice rather than just receiving SUPPORT for her decision to not have me live at home with her. I’ve had the good dose of boarding school thanks.

@IrisVersicolor @absolutelyanythingwilldo you're missing my point entirely. I wasn't asking for permission to contribute to the conversation and I don't need to be told to start my own thread, I'm quite happy posting in this one thanks. Even if that's offensive.

@leftandaright

"Bereft"?
"Vulnerable"??
"Tortured souls" ???

This is so disingenuous. If you truly felt like that you wouldn't have made that choice, (barring a few exceptional cases which I suppose might apply to you. But the vast majority of parents who choose boarding also have the option for day school).

Thoughts and prayers for the "tortured souls". I can't imagine the torment one must feel when they so desperately want their children to remain living at home, but have no option but to send them away so they can ride all the eventing ponies.

I shall light a candle tonight.

fuck me. You made the decision.

tortured souls indeed.

Boarding mummy lol

Hi @muppetsmum , how are you feeling now? I felt exactly the same as you when my kids went. The only solution is to keep really busy. Try not to ring him or text too often particularly in the early days as it makes it harder for both of you.

When he comes home don't expect a big download of info, boys often share less than girls.

If he has to go back on a Sunday night prepare your self for that and expect to feel very sad. I did. It is a sign of how much you love them. If you really didn't care as people have suggested you wouldn't miss him!

It does get easier ... the first year is tough though. Try to get on a Whatsapp group with other boarding mums at the school.

Maybe send him a funny snapchat every few days it is often the only forum I can get my boy to respond on.

Also @muppetsmum

If it is a private school with 18 weeks holiday across the year
So 34 in school, say 5 nights a week boarding if he has Saturday school (might only be 4 if not) so only 170 nights away from you so from 365 you are looking at hime having 195 nights at home.

If he only boards 4 nights a week 133 nights in school so 239 nights at home.

So actually more than he is away! Try to enjoy the time to yourself and enjoy your daughter (and husband).

Excuse me if my maths is wrong I went to a comp. ;-)

If truth be known, I don't give a monkey's arse whether you, or anyone else in your family, considers whether a child has 'left home' or not when going to boarding school. Like what I wrote earlier, it's what I say that counts here in this household. If you have not 'left home' then you've not gone to boarding school - and so I don't know what funky boarding school you claim you've attended?

"I’m frankly extremely suspicious of anyone making such a ridiculous claim".

By that I guess you meant the claim I made about my son winning a scholarship and foregoing 2 super-selective grammar school places to attend boarding school? Just because these achievements are out of reach for you and yours, it doesn't mean they are out of reach for others too. And I was only being modest in just stating these preliminary awards! Haven't told you yet the super-selective grammars were gained when DS was still under-aged! Bet you don't know Queen Elizabeth's School is the nation's top (as in the apex) state school that can seriously embarrass many a premier public school in academic performance. So, it's not as "ridiculous" as you may think...

My brother boarded

His holidays were obscenely long! All I remember is my heading off to school whilst my brother was fast asleep in bed, and then returning from school and hearing how he and mum had been out for lunch or gone to the cinema or gone shopping for new clothes for him etc! They had more quality time together than we ever did… and I never boarded!

No, I don't think your point was being missed. What's odd is you seem to think you can go off-topic in the thread and expect no-one else to say anything. Not how it works I'm afraid.

Shall we come and join your thread about how your baby won't stop pooing and tell you how terrible you are? Would you be alright with us doing that AND you're not allowed to say anything back?

Nobody said 'at least he isn't dead'.

OP's DD said 'he's not dead mum', as a way of telling her mum to be less upset.

Other posters mentioned it being 'like a bereavement'. Not the same as every bereavement but having similar characteristics to one - that's a perfectly normal thing to say. It's often said when long relationships or friendships end, and it doesn't mean is is equivalent to every or any bereavement just that some of the emotions may be similar.

@muppetsmum

I don't know anything at all about boarding school but I've read the thread in full for the most part & I'm really shocked at the hyperbolic & vitriolic posts from some.

Your feelings are totally valid. Hopefully your DS will be happy in his school & that will alleviate that loneliness you feel.

A PP who said they 'disappear' at this age is right too, my very busy teens are gone from early morning, sports in afternoon & evening & I don't see them that much, in the week, now I think of it 💐

@Lilgamesh2

always intrigued when people have one young baby and very strong views on parenting 10 plus years down the line.

If your child decides to send her child to boarding school - will you be very open and honest in your distress at her decision?