First time boarding - missing DS so, so much

[muppetsmum]

We dropped our DS off yesterday to start weekly boarding at Y9. He totally wanted to do it, it's a fabulous school about an hour away and I know that it is absolutely the best thing for him as he is bright, sporty, musical and outgoing and will thrive with so many more opportunities than he will get at a day school around here. I have another daughter who is going into Y11at a day school so thankfully, she is still at home. I always knew this would be tough but it's even worse than I thought. It feels so final and like every time he's back, it will be 'on borrowed time'. He's obviously been away before, even for a week, but it feels like his 'life force' has left the house now. I keep looking at the back door and the fourth chair at the table and thinking that he'll never walk home from school through the door again, and of all the meals with only three of us at the table. I realise this is really self-indulgent, so many people in worse situations than me, even my daughter said to me 'He's not dead, Mum'. Every time I see something of his, tears come to my eyes. We have a very close relationship, we're very similar in many ways. Of course I'm so lucky that my daughter is here and she is an amazing girl, but somehow I can't seem to find consolation in that and that makes me feel guilty, like maybe I don't love her as much (obviously not true). Is this at all normal or am I totally over-reacting? I am a very emotional person, often overly so, but generally of sound and sturdy mental health with a good network of friends (who seem to cope much more sensibly than me with their kids boarding). Is this even vaguely normal? I know this is very early days but can anyone tell me how long it takes to start adjusting? How the heck do people manage to do full boarding or go overseas and not see their kids for weeks/months on end???

@Workinghardeveryday

I like your post & common sense but equally we all bring ourselves to our posts.

I miss my son every single day.
I didn't send him away.

He died.

I find the Op difficult to empathise with & ill-thought out & frankly deeply unkind bereavement statements from she & others is horrific.

Sending your child away to live elsewhere is a
Choice. Nope. I don't have sympathy for her choices.

If a child receives more individual attention at a boarding school than they would at home then maybe it is the better choice.

However I can guarantee that DD receives more individual attention from me and DH than any school could ever possibly offer.

As for extra curricular activities, I'd be genuinely interested in knowing what activities are available at boarding schools that aren't elsewhere. Sport? Music? Overseas trips? All available at state schools believe it or not.

That really isn’t fair.

I have never been anything other than really kind in all my posts over the years, check if you don’t believe me.

I did not post for sport or to upset the op, I genuinely wanted to understand why the op would send her child away, it was her own choice.

given what @snowballer said about liking it to an abortion, I do sympathise a bit more with the op, but I really do just keep thinking that it was her decision, the thought of sending my kids away wouldn’t be entertained in my mind, why have kids and send them away?

How can I feel sorry for someone who is upset over a decision they have made that I personally find awful (sorry op) and they did have a choice not too.

when my kids were little and at nursery, if I missed a milestone event say first steps, that was upsetting etc - but I HAD to work to pay the bills.

I want to be here the day when my dd11 starts her periods and she can tell me about it face to face and I can give her a cuddle. If she was boarding it would be over the phone, do you see what I mean? Why would I choose actively to do that? You only have one childhood, I believe you should grow with family and people who love you, not at school.

op had a choice, she didn’t have to send her child away

@Workinghardeveryday
op had a choice, she didn’t have to send her child away

You really should at least have the courtesy to read all the OP's posts, even if you don't want to read everyone else's opinions.

Then maybe you would understand she didn't "send her child away". Her child requested to go. And so, despite knowing how much she would miss him, she let him go because it was the right, selfless, thing to do. Now he has gone, she is understandably sad and was hoping for some compassion and help to get through it. If you had read her posts you'd "genuinely understand" and know that actually it WASN'T her choice! And you certainly would know not to say "but I really do just keep thinking that it was her decision, the thought of sending my kids away wouldn’t be entertained in my mind, why have kids and send them away? How can I feel sorry for someone who is upset over a decision they have made that I personally find awful (sorry op) and they did have a choice not too.".

She DIDN'T have a choice, because she was being a selfless mother who was thinking of her child's wishes and not her own.

How can I feel sorry for someone who is upset over a decision they have made that I personally find awful (sorry op) and they did have a choice not too.

No one is asking you to feel sorry for her. Not her, and not anyone else. This isn't about you! You don't have to respond to posts.

It's gone like this:

OP: I'm really sad because DS has gone to boarding school. Anyone have tips on how to make a bit easier?

Loads of MNers: I would never do that. No sympathy. Your DS must hate living with you. Why should I feel sympathy for you because of this horrible choice you've made.

Etc etc.

Can you not see how none of this responds to her actual request?

You all seem to think you a) have a duty to respond (you don't) and b) a duty to tell her the full extent of your loathing for the idea of kids being at boarding school (you don't).

Top tip: if your response to a distress post is most likely to make the OP feel worse, just don't post it! It's so simple I can't believe people can't grasp this.

@Workinghardeveryday

I'm actually very surprised that you seem so sincere that your intention was kind?

I have never sent any of my children to boarding school, but that doesn't mean I cannot imagine how it would feel .

The OP was not asking for judgement on her decision, she was asking for a space to talk about missing her son. And she never got this because other posters felt their feelings on the matter were more important.

It is not kind to not let people feel what they feel, or let them make decisions about their own life and family without stepping in to pull them up on their wrongdoings (as you see them). The OP already explained her decision in the first post, she wasn't asking for help in making the decision. It had already been made.

Imagine missing your child, for any reason, and being told that was your fault for the decisions you made. In fact, just come onto mumsnet when your DD starts Uni and see how many kind posters there are to put you straight. Because there won't be many.

These must be some proper Veruca Salt type kids who can get their parents to spend tens of thousands of pounds each year because it's "their wish".

Of course they're not though. No parent would let their child make big life decisions especially ones that cost huge amounts of money, unless they were 100% happy with the decision themselves. I doubt these same children are able to dictate it's time for the family to upgrade their car or buy a bigger house.

Now why would any parent want to frame boarding school as being the child's wish that they have selflessly had to grant

In answer to the OP's question, it's only until the weekend and it will get easier.

And as someone who boarded and could afford to send my DC to boarding school but didn't, consider what's more important, lovely grounds (or insert random positive) or a child growing up surrounded by people who love them and prioritise their well-being. Children need their families, teenagers especially so. More than anything they need love, day in and day out, and they don't get it at boarding school. Imo they also need variety and diversity of experience in their lives, not to spend all day and all night, all lessons and all extra curricular activities in the same setting with the same people.

I also find the idea that boarding school is advantageous because as a parent you don't have to bother with the boring bits / nagging / homework pretty horrific tbh.

Jesus. Why didn't you just end your post after the first paragraph?

What possible benefit do you think it is to OP to say the rest of it?

This thread is insane. People literally cannot help themselves.

Like it or not the thread has shifted to include a wider discussion. I think if someone posts on a parenting forum that boarding is great because you don't have to bother with the boring bits of parenting, it's fair enough for someone to respond.

Of course she had a choice. Being a good parent doesn’t mean doing what your child wants. It means doing the right thing for your child. That might mean NOT letting them do something that they desperately want to do, especially when they are 13 years old, likely totally overrun with hormones, susceptible to all the school’s propaganda, subject to peer pressure and with no prior experience of what living away from their family is actually like.

Now why would any parent want to frame boarding school as being the child's wish that they have selflessly had to grant
Because it sometimes is.
My perspective is skewed to a degree I expect, as due to my own children's interests a lot of the boarding pupils and parents I know have gone to specialist boarding schools - music, dance, performing arts etc.
If you have a child who is talented and driven and you are being continually told that they have potential that can only be realised by going to a specialised school at a young age then saying no is not easy. Of course you still can say no but there is a lot of pressure, particularly if you struggle to access high quality training locally. It is an avenue that our family decided not to pursue - a decision which I remain completely comfortable with - and I think it's a very valid debate as to whether it is wise or worthwhile for many children who do go to such schools. I do believe that some decisions are misguided, and some parents are definitely misled, but selfish or overly indulgent? No, not in my experience. The vast majority are loving and dedicated parents who sincerely want the best for their children even if they need to make major sacrifices themselves. Just like the rest of us who make different choices.

And sometimes, being a good parent is recognising that although it breaks your heart, your child knows what they want and you support them to give it a go. And being that same good parent means your child truly knows that if they realise they have made a mistake they can say so and you'll be there to catch them... Not every child is mature enough to make the decision, but some are. A good parent listens to their child, explores every angle, points out all the possible pro's and cons and then makes the decision with the child that is the best for the child, without regard for their own feelings. Yes, it may go wrong and if the child feels pressurised into staying or feels they can't speak up then something has gone wrong with the parenting but if the child is confident to give it a go but also confident that their parent will support them if they are not happy, then where is problem in allowing a child to try something?

What if the child wanted to go to specialist music school or a ballet school or performing arts school or a school with a particular sport they were serious about? Would you just say no because they’re overrun with hormones and susceptible to propaganda?

Imo they also need variety and diversity of experience in their lives, not to spend all day and all night, all lessons and all extra curricular activities in the same setting with the same people.

Where on earth did you get the idea that this is the case? This is completely untrue. When I was at boarding school, I had my eventing ponies with me and travelled all over the country competing. There were also pupils who represented their country in various sports and many opportunities for pupils to pursue other interests outside of the school setting. We were also actively encouraged to play a role within the community.

not to spend all day and all night, all lessons and all extra curricular activities in the same setting with the same people.

Goodness … 😂

What a load of bollocks.

Even 45 years ago boarding at the most boring girls’ school in the country I probably saw a greater variety of people in any week than I would have done going from school to home every day in term time - with maybe one extracurricular thing, one shopping trip and one weekend activity. Boarding involved compulsory church on Sundays, compulsory community volunteering, compulsory attendance at all sorts of social and extracurricular things that I’d happily have swerved if I’d been at home.

And I can quite definitively confirm that the current boarding generation chez moi interact with countless people in a dazzling variety of environments and venues every day at school. That’s rather the point of their being there …

@MuddlerInLaw Some of the perceptions on here are laughable. Astounding ignorance.

@PolarPolly27
Those travelling around with eventing ponies or representing their country at sports would still be doing that if they didn't board.
But they would also be freer to do other activities out of school, all with different groups of people. This is not as easy if you are not at home evenings / weekends with a parent to take you places. It's also not as easy when boarding to hang out with other groups of friends at weekends / evenings. Boarders by definition spend more of their time at school then day pupils. Their world is smaller.

*than, not then

I am sorry to read this and sorry that you had to read some of opinions on this thread.
My friend lost a daughter recently and I can only imagine how she would be feeling reading the bereavement comparisons.

@Bovrilly Some of that may be true for some children but surely that depends on their family circumstances. However, the point you made was that pupils in boarding schools spend all day and all night, all lessons and all extra curricular activities in the same setting with the same people. That's completely wrong.

@muppetsmum I’m sorry you are getting such an unkind troll-fest for asking a question that might have elicited something more sympathetic. I’ll have a go at answering from the perspective of having two adored DC full boarding from a much younger age than yours. Your description that it feels like your DS’s life force is missing from your home resonates. The first few days of term seem preternaturally quiet, getting lines of communication open will help. Making sure his time at home is full of fun and family togetherness helps. I throw myself into work even more than usual while they are away so I can take more time with them outside term. You will hear from other boarding parents that they and their DC have more quality time together because they prioritise this during weekends out and holidays. Your DS will appreciate Home more and notice his home comforts. We have rituals during Home times that DC and parents look forward to through term time. I try to write two letters a week each- I don’t have enough news to make these very interesting but they are appreciated all the same. DH and I have a close, loving and happy relationship with our DC. We miss them but I’m sure your DS-sickness will reduce as you get used to his absence, as you would have had to grow accustomed to his increasing independence while he goes through adolescence. Sending you 💐sympathetic thoughts- be kind to yourself.

However, the point you made was that pupils in boarding schools spend all day and all night, all lessons and all extra curricular activities in the same setting with the same people. That's completely wrong.

Sorry, you're right - I was making a comparison so should have said that boarders spend more time in the same setting with the same people than they would if they were day pupils. So their worlds are smaller than if they were day pupils.

I think this is a significant disadvantage of boarding, although I guess everyone will give that a different weight when assessing pros and cons.

@Bovrilly That's an interesting point. The school I went to was very international and I believe this provided some opportunities in terms of travel and experiences that I wouldn't have had at a day school but obviously, I don't have a comparison.

@IrisVersicolor the fact that they are say musically talented wouldn’t negate the fact that at 13 they’re not capable of making those kinds of decisions.

As it happens I am a former professional classical musician and I know loads of people who went to specialist schools with extremely mixed experiences. None of the ones who were miserable told their parents and asked to move. I’d actually argue that those environments are particularly inappropriate for children with special talents because there is huge pressure to succeed, and changing direction (or leaving the school) very much seen as failure in a way that I imagine it wouldn’t be at a standard boarding school. They encourage and reward perfectionism in children who are already very talented and likely perfectionist, in a high pressure and competitive environment that the kids can never escape from. It’s a recipe for disaster for some sensitive children and the reason I’d never let my kids board.

As an aside, the fact I didn’t go to one of those schools didn’t hold me back in the profession in any way, so it’s also completely unnecessary.