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Original poster

First time boarding - missing DS so, so much

459 replies

muppetsmum · 05/09/2022 14:47

We dropped our DS off yesterday to start weekly boarding at Y9. He totally wanted to do it, it's a fabulous school about an hour away and I know that it is absolutely the best thing for him as he is bright, sporty, musical and outgoing and will thrive with so many more opportunities than he will get at a day school around here. I have another daughter who is going into Y11at a day school so thankfully, she is still at home. I always knew this would be tough but it's even worse than I thought. It feels so final and like every time he's back, it will be 'on borrowed time'. He's obviously been away before, even for a week, but it feels like his 'life force' has left the house now. I keep looking at the back door and the fourth chair at the table and thinking that he'll never walk home from school through the door again, and of all the meals with only three of us at the table. I realise this is really self-indulgent, so many people in worse situations than me, even my daughter said to me 'He's not dead, Mum'. Every time I see something of his, tears come to my eyes. We have a very close relationship, we're very similar in many ways. Of course I'm so lucky that my daughter is here and she is an amazing girl, but somehow I can't seem to find consolation in that and that makes me feel guilty, like maybe I don't love her as much (obviously not true). Is this at all normal or am I totally over-reacting? I am a very emotional person, often overly so, but generally of sound and sturdy mental health with a good network of friends (who seem to cope much more sensibly than me with their kids boarding). Is this even vaguely normal? I know this is very early days but can anyone tell me how long it takes to start adjusting? How the heck do people manage to do full boarding or go overseas and not see their kids for weeks/months on end???

OP posts:
TeenDivided · 07/09/2022 14:58

Burpeea · 07/09/2022 14:52

@Xiaoxiong well surely if it doesn’t suit most kids then these sort or threads are good for parents who might not have experienced boarding like we have to see the reality behind the glossy marketing and age old assumptions about the boarding experience. J K Rowling and Enid Blyton have a lot to answer for and neither of them even boarded!

I'm not sure 'these sorts of threads' are helpful to anyone, least of all the poor OP.

What could be useful would be a thread titled 'What's weekly boarding like these days, only experience since pandemic wanted' for example, or 'Considering boarding, from people who seriously considered it from 2018 onwards what swung it for you either way?'

Hoppinggreen · 07/09/2022 15:02

Xiaoxiong · 07/09/2022 14:42

I also agree with you Hopping that boarding is not right for the vast majority of kids. But for some - even if that's only 1% - it is right, and that's still tens of thousands of kids and parents who might be looking for help and support without judgement.

In which case I think that a specific topic is a good idea. I hope you get it
For the sake of my blood pressure and the sensibilities of parents on there I will avoid it
There is a lot of misconceptions on both sides - most Boarding school parents are trying to do the right thing (even if I don’t agree it is) but accusing Anti boarders of being jealous and clueless is unfair too

Burpeea · 07/09/2022 15:08

@TeenDivided I think if OP wants a hand hold then her close friends or a therapist are better suited to helping than a mumsnet thread which is bound to bring out people with strong opinions about a very, very decisive topic.

Burpeea · 07/09/2022 15:09

Divisive obvs!

PileofLogs · 07/09/2022 15:13

Burpeea · 07/09/2022 15:08

@TeenDivided I think if OP wants a hand hold then her close friends or a therapist are better suited to helping than a mumsnet thread which is bound to bring out people with strong opinions about a very, very decisive topic.

Oh nonsense. People ask on MN for a handhold about all sorts of things. It was a completely inappropriate pile-on. If people want to discuss the pros and cons of boarding, it's easy enough to start a thread.

Burpeea · 07/09/2022 15:21

@PileofLogs talking about berevement was inexcusable.

PileofLogs · 07/09/2022 15:21

Burpeea · 07/09/2022 15:21

@PileofLogs talking about berevement was inexcusable.

Yes I agree but that wasn't OP.

Burpeea · 07/09/2022 15:25

@PileofLogs but the OP’s thread bought boarding school parents who have said things that incite decision so IMO it would be better to see a therapist or go for a drink with friends.
0.7% of uk children board. 30% live in poverty. It was entirely tone deaf to start a poor me thread at a time when some families won’t be able to eat properly or heat their homes this winter.

absolutelyanythingwilldo · 07/09/2022 15:32

@Burpeea now you're just talking nonsense. Of course anyone can start a thread about anything. Your last few posts are just slinging mud and hoping something sticks.

PileofLogs · 07/09/2022 15:33

I completely disagree with you. OP's not responsible for things other parents say on a thread she starts.

Re your second point- MN is absolutely full of threads about all sorts of things- go and look on Style & Beauty- there are people discussing buying expensive clothes. There are numerous boards devoted to holidays. There's a whole board for talking about buying Christmas presents! All of this happening during a cost of living crisis. Of course people are allowed to ask for support about missing a child at boarding school, here on the Education board. You're really grasping at straws.

People posted some really vicious things on here. Completely inappropriate.

Burpeea · 07/09/2022 15:37

@PileofLogs I am not agreeing with what people have said, I am saying the post title could stoke divisive opinions from people - which was evidenced in how strongly worded their replies were. Also some of the posters who were trying to defend boarding school put people’s backs up. I boarded, I know how divisive it is, I have learnt not to mention it especially since Boris et al gave it such an entitled air (which in many cases it isn’t! Plenty of unentitled kids at boarding school, plenty of entitled kids at state)

PileofLogs · 07/09/2022 15:47

Nope, there's no excuse for it. We're all aware that people have different opinions about boarding school, as they do about lots of issues in education- that doesn't mean someone deserves a pile-on. There are plenty of divisive topics on MN. It was the pack mentality in action and I feel extremely sorry for OP.

I'm leaving this now as we're getting nowhere. Hope OP is OK and that boarding school parents can be allowed to post on here without getting abuse.

Xiaoxiong · 07/09/2022 15:48

All of which bolsters my case for a dedicated Boarding school board - both so people can get support, but also so other people can hide it! @DawnMumsnet was kind enough on the Site Stuff thread to say that she would be following this debate closely to see if there's enough demand.

Hoppinggreen · 07/09/2022 15:49

Burpeea · 07/09/2022 15:25

@PileofLogs but the OP’s thread bought boarding school parents who have said things that incite decision so IMO it would be better to see a therapist or go for a drink with friends.
0.7% of uk children board. 30% live in poverty. It was entirely tone deaf to start a poor me thread at a time when some families won’t be able to eat properly or heat their homes this winter.

I’m Anti Boarding but I’m also Anti not being able to post about anything other than being skint too.

Leafy3 · 07/09/2022 15:55

@Hoppinggreen well said.

IrisVersicolor · 07/09/2022 16:01

Burpeea · 07/09/2022 15:25

@PileofLogs but the OP’s thread bought boarding school parents who have said things that incite decision so IMO it would be better to see a therapist or go for a drink with friends.
0.7% of uk children board. 30% live in poverty. It was entirely tone deaf to start a poor me thread at a time when some families won’t be able to eat properly or heat their homes this winter.

Seriously? I have a low income due to chronic illness. But the idea that only MNers on the breadline can posts is ridiculous. This is a parents’ forum not a poverty forum, thus all parenting issues are relevant.

I enjoy threads about first world problems as they take my mind off my own.

IrisVersicolor · 07/09/2022 16:01

Hoppinggreen · 07/09/2022 15:49

I’m Anti Boarding but I’m also Anti not being able to post about anything other than being skint too.

Show quote history

Missed this, well quite. It would be dull if that’s all we could talk about.

Burpeea · 07/09/2022 16:06

@Hoppinggreen I am not saying she shouldn’t post - just saying it was fairly tone deaf at the present moment and was bound to bring out some pretty strong opinions.
The opening post just made me think about people who couldn’t feed the four occupants of their chairs let alone gaze miserably at the empty one (empty by choice). The ‘at least he isn’t dead’ was, frankly, disgusting. At one moment I wondered if it was a troll thread.

Hoppinggreen · 07/09/2022 16:13

Burpeea · 07/09/2022 16:06

@Hoppinggreen I am not saying she shouldn’t post - just saying it was fairly tone deaf at the present moment and was bound to bring out some pretty strong opinions.
The opening post just made me think about people who couldn’t feed the four occupants of their chairs let alone gaze miserably at the empty one (empty by choice). The ‘at least he isn’t dead’ was, frankly, disgusting. At one moment I wondered if it was a troll thread.

Yes but to suggest all the anti boarding posts were due to the cost of living crisis simply isn’t true and feeds into the ridiculous idea that people are only anti boarding because we can’t afford it.
The vast majority of people who expressed anti boarding opinions (me included) did not mention costs

IrisVersicolor · 07/09/2022 16:16

Burpeea · 07/09/2022 16:06

@Hoppinggreen I am not saying she shouldn’t post - just saying it was fairly tone deaf at the present moment and was bound to bring out some pretty strong opinions.
The opening post just made me think about people who couldn’t feed the four occupants of their chairs let alone gaze miserably at the empty one (empty by choice). The ‘at least he isn’t dead’ was, frankly, disgusting. At one moment I wondered if it was a troll thread.

Anything that is not related to money/food/energy worries could be labelled ‘tone deaf.’

Burpeea · 07/09/2022 16:21

@Hoppinggreen I was talking about her post made me feel at this current time and that I wasn't surprised that it made other people feel the same.

I am anti boarding. I can afford it for my children. I went to boarding school and I was sexually abused by a peer in the dark on campus and suffered abuse from a teacher that left me with mental health issues that have lasted a life time. I became anorexic and was thrown out of my boarding house as I was a 'bad influence' on other children. Therapy saved me.
So I admit to feeling a bit anti boarding, but this thread triggered me in a number of ways not all relating to my own horrible experience but more to how desperately worried I feel for people who are facing some real deprivation this winter. And I won't apologise for that.

User2145738790 · 07/09/2022 16:31

Burpeea · 07/09/2022 16:21

@Hoppinggreen I was talking about her post made me feel at this current time and that I wasn't surprised that it made other people feel the same.

I am anti boarding. I can afford it for my children. I went to boarding school and I was sexually abused by a peer in the dark on campus and suffered abuse from a teacher that left me with mental health issues that have lasted a life time. I became anorexic and was thrown out of my boarding house as I was a 'bad influence' on other children. Therapy saved me.
So I admit to feeling a bit anti boarding, but this thread triggered me in a number of ways not all relating to my own horrible experience but more to how desperately worried I feel for people who are facing some real deprivation this winter. And I won't apologise for that.

Yet you clicked on a thread with "boarding" in the title.

Burpeea · 07/09/2022 16:37

@User2145738790 yup I did.I often wonder how my mum could have sent me away age 7 and I was wanting to read it from a parents point of view. I sobbed when each of my children reached 7 to try and imagine how she managed to convince herself it was right.
But then I found myself offended by the tone.

IrisVersicolor · 07/09/2022 16:38

Burpeea · 07/09/2022 16:21

@Hoppinggreen I was talking about her post made me feel at this current time and that I wasn't surprised that it made other people feel the same.

I am anti boarding. I can afford it for my children. I went to boarding school and I was sexually abused by a peer in the dark on campus and suffered abuse from a teacher that left me with mental health issues that have lasted a life time. I became anorexic and was thrown out of my boarding house as I was a 'bad influence' on other children. Therapy saved me.
So I admit to feeling a bit anti boarding, but this thread triggered me in a number of ways not all relating to my own horrible experience but more to how desperately worried I feel for people who are facing some real deprivation this winter. And I won't apologise for that.

I’m very sorry for your experiences.💐 But sexual abuse happens at day schools too unfortunately, it happened at mine. If that put one off day schools where would one be?

If you’re triggered by a thread, any thread, then the best thing is to stay off it. Not to bludgeon the OP with your personal emotions about school, which awful as the experiences were, really have nothing to do with OP or her son.

Burpeea · 07/09/2022 16:43

@IrisVersicolor i haven’t done that to her at all… I was responding to later posts about how awful people were to have an opinion on boarding. I suspect she is long gone!