First time boarding - missing DS so, so much

[muppetsmum]

We dropped our DS off yesterday to start weekly boarding at Y9. He totally wanted to do it, it's a fabulous school about an hour away and I know that it is absolutely the best thing for him as he is bright, sporty, musical and outgoing and will thrive with so many more opportunities than he will get at a day school around here. I have another daughter who is going into Y11at a day school so thankfully, she is still at home. I always knew this would be tough but it's even worse than I thought. It feels so final and like every time he's back, it will be 'on borrowed time'. He's obviously been away before, even for a week, but it feels like his 'life force' has left the house now. I keep looking at the back door and the fourth chair at the table and thinking that he'll never walk home from school through the door again, and of all the meals with only three of us at the table. I realise this is really self-indulgent, so many people in worse situations than me, even my daughter said to me 'He's not dead, Mum'. Every time I see something of his, tears come to my eyes. We have a very close relationship, we're very similar in many ways. Of course I'm so lucky that my daughter is here and she is an amazing girl, but somehow I can't seem to find consolation in that and that makes me feel guilty, like maybe I don't love her as much (obviously not true). Is this at all normal or am I totally over-reacting? I am a very emotional person, often overly so, but generally of sound and sturdy mental health with a good network of friends (who seem to cope much more sensibly than me with their kids boarding). Is this even vaguely normal? I know this is very early days but can anyone tell me how long it takes to start adjusting? How the heck do people manage to do full boarding or go overseas and not see their kids for weeks/months on end???

It’s all moot though isn’t it

all the opportunities in the world. Enhanced career prospects. Connections. Sports etc. I don’t care a bit about any of it. I still wouldn’t send them. Some things are more important.

@beachcitygirl
i am so sorry, I have just seen your post.

That is awful, I am so very sorry for your loss xxx

I totally agree with this

boarders spend more time in the same setting with the same people than they would if they were day pupils. So their worlds are smaller than if they were day pupils.

No. You are wrong. I mean, that may be your experience / understanding of boarding but it wasn’t / isn’t mine. And the members of my family who have boarded most recently were sent to their schools precisely because they would be enabled to have a much bigger world day to day than would have been possible as day pupils.

Newsflash - not every teen has unlimited parental time, money and transport available at home to make hot and cold running extra curricular activities, wide socialising and long daily conversations over the dinner table possible during the school week. For many children - particularly those in receipt of substantial bursaries - boarding offers the best opportunity to enjoy all the good things parents of children at ‘leafy comps’ can afford time or money for. I’m amazed this isn’t perfectly obvious.

The first days are really tough. It’s the moment when you rip the plaster off and you’ve gone from insanely brilliant summer hols (and this summer particularly so with the sunshine!) and then suddenly back to the September drudgery of darkening evenings, school life and routine.
i feel like the start of term when my dc go back to (boarding) school as If someone’s dimmed the lights in my life and turned the volume down. The first few days you feel it so acutely. Everything’s quiet and boring and you are left at home with literal gaping holes in the family home.
BUT
your child will not be experiencing this. Of course they don’t have the luxury of being in the cosy family home but they are busy making new (or rekindling last term’s friendships) and it’s just non stop getting into the new timetable, sports training, signing up for new hobbies and so on).
so whilst you are sad and feeling bereft at home, take heart that your son is bubbling away probably getting totally exhausted but finding his feet in this new world.

the first week they go away I keep really busy in the day and try and take my mind off their absence in the evening by having some good tv to bInge watch. I don’t let myself get too tired (and emotional) and go to bed early.
somehow the first few days tick by and then you are counting down the hours till you see them again. Top tip: do very little the first weekend home. Your son will be frazzled the first weekend having taken on so much that first week. Stay in. Do little. Eat nice food. Sleep. Don’t be tempted to illicit a blow by blow account of the week. He just needs to chill the first few weekends as he adjusts to the pace of life. Curl up on the sofa together and watch easy films.

week 2 is a bit of a repeat of the above but you probably now have a match you can go and watch in the week and soon it’s time to come home again.

then at some point you will both hit your stride and get used to a new routine. His weeks will zoom by as he will be so busy. You will adapt your life and find a way to cope with the emptiness. It doesn’t go away but you learn to manage it.

you’ll then look forward to the mammoth long holidays and everything will be just as it was beforehand. My dc are home for 22 weeks and boarding for 30 weeks. Life is great and my dc are thriving both at school and home. I hope your son has a wonderful time and you continue to all live your best lives. Sounds like you have a great family and your children are flourishing independent driven people. How lucky we are to give our children the choice to follow the education of their dreams.

Newsflash - not every teen has unlimited parental time, money and transport available at home to make hot and cold running extra curricular activities, wide socialising and long daily conversations over the dinner table possible during the school week.

Agreed - it does take resources and a lot of resolve and determination on the part of the parents to do this stuff instead of leaving it to school. But some parents really value their family's daily conversations over the dinner table, and think they benefit the DC too.

For many children - particularly those in receipt of substantial bursaries - boarding offers the best opportunity to enjoy all the good things parents of children at ‘leafy comps’ can afford time or money for. I’m amazed this isn’t perfectly obvious.

I'm making more of a boarding / day comparison than private / state but of course those few in receipt of substantial bursaries have a great opportunity to experience things they might otherwise miss out on. They are still unable to mix with as diverse a group of people as they could if they were living at home though, especially if they lack the extra funds for some of the activities on offer eg travelling with ponies etc.

So you would deny Nicola Benedetti (Menuhin), Jennifer Pike (Chets) their choice of school? (They started there when they were 8,9,10 and I think they’d left by the time they were 15/16 or so.)

One of my parents is a pro musician and teacher and I started when I was 3. Many of the musicians I know loved their time at specialist music schools. It’s not for everyone like any school. It wasn’t for me because a. I wanted to go somewhere very academic and b. To be a virtuoso you have to give your life to it and if not - orchestral playing is dull and badly paid. But even at 12 I could make that decision for myself.

If some people didn’t tell their parents they didn’t like it, that’s not a reason not to send a child who really wants to go.

Would you have told Darcey Bussell - no you can’t go to the Royal Ballet School at 13 because some people I didnt like it? You want to be a ballerina? - tough.

The point is that many children aged 13 make serious choices about pursuing a career in an art or performing art or a sport.. That may not involve boarding but may well involve a serious commitment to a significant amount of practice/training/performance/travelling in order to do so.

I find the idea that a 13 year old can’t make such a decision, not even a decision about where they’d like to go to school bizarre and infantilising.

They are still unable to mix with as diverse a group of people as they could if they were living at home though, especially if they lack the extra funds

🙇🏽‍♀️

@IrisVersicolor i know both the people you have mentioned - one personally and have mutual friends with the other- and there were certainly aspects of their time at those schools that they didn’t enjoy. Not going to give further details here for obvious reasons but my previous post explained why in general terms. And you get problems with bullying as in all schools except you also have to live with the bullies.

You don’t need to go to those schools to have fantastic careers in the industries you mention. For every child who becomes a massive star there are hundreds who don’t. While some children love it many do not and it’s not a risk I’d ever take with my own child.

It's far from perfectly obvious. Very few children in private education receive a full bursary, about 1%. Lower income families whose children don't attend leafy comps are the least likely to even be aware of bursaries. It's not their world. Let's not pretend that private schools are these incredibly inclusive institutions that provide wonderful opportunities for all, it's such rubbish.

And I know one of them. There are always aspects of school one doesn’t enjoy, that’s true of anywhere.

You don’t have to go to any of those schools but some children choose to go because it’s where they want to be, regardless of whether they become a “fantastic star” or not.

@muppetsmum I was hoping for constructive input from others who have been through this, rather than subjective opinions from those who perhaps haven't.

Wise words! 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻 Words which should be said on many a thread on MN!

@Catherston79 @leftandaright @CatsAreCrackers @snowballer @HillyBillyBumkin @expat101 and others who have taken the trouble to read and consider my posts and respond in a positive spirit, I thank you. I am beyond stunned at the irrelevant and unfounded abuse and character assassination hurled at a Mum who is asking for support from other Mums with relevant experiences. I cannot count the number of presumptions that have been made by fellow Mums about me, my child(ren), my personal circumstances, my income, my ability to parent, my motivation for choosing this type of education, my ability to put the welfare of my children before my own, my personality, my own educational experiences, my attitudes to other peoples' losses of various types... (For the record, I made absolutely no comparisons here, merely reported a comment made by my daughter - as I've already attempted to clarify to anybody who bothered to read my OP carefully and again in a later post - in no way at all was I comparing my situation to the horrific losses experienced by some.)

I am a real human being with a heart and feelings, at a difficult time, asking for help. No, I don't think I'm the unluckiest or most miserable person in the world, how ridiculous, but do only the most miserable or unluckiest of Mums qualify for support on Mumsnet? If you don't care about how I feel or agree with my choice, that is ABSOLUTELY FINE, there's no reason why you should, but it's not necessary to stick the knife in. Just click on to a thread which resonates more with you. Thankfully I'm resilient, have a great family, and all are very comfortable with our shared educational decision. DS is super-outgoing, energetic, hard-working, talented at a niche sport and highly musical. He wants to spend his time getting the best teaching and coaching possible and having seen how happy these activities make him, we know that this can't be achieved from where we live (and where our DD is very happy and settled). Hence our shared decision. He's not being 'sent away', he doesn't 'hate being at home', we could not love him more or be more proud of him, and putting his interests before our desire to spend as much time with him as possible (yes, even the crappy bits) has been a very hard one.

For info, there is discussion in Site Stuff about the possibility of a separate board about Boarding (both state and independent) which may be of interest to some.

I totally understand your feelings, OP. My son left home aged 10 to attend a full-time boarding prep school after winning a scholarship which also included a guaranteed full-time senior school place thereafter. He had other choices too as he also gained two super-selective grammar school places at the same time. I was in a dilemma as to which direction to follow as I knew I had the final say.

In my mind I was thinking if he'd left home aged 10, and by the time he finally "returned home" he would be an adult aged 21 or 22 or maybe older, i.e. 3 yrs prep school, 5 yrs senior school and 3 or 4 yrs at university. In the event, it was actually 6 yrs at uni (medical school) plus 2 more yrs post medical school (foundation yr 1 and yr 2). All told, he was 26+ yrs old when he could finally "return home" but in fact, he never did "return home" as by then he was a fully-fledged very independent adult living his own life outside.

So, I was fully aware of this situation even before he left home for boarding school but then I decided I must not keep him at home for my own selfish reasons and the direction he was to follow was for his own good. Today, DS is a very successful and happy doctor and I happen also to have my own mantra, "A boy's got to do what a boy's got to do..."

Eastbourne college by any chance OP?

flexi boarding so he could be back every Friday night if you/him like (but I reckon he’ll want to stay for lots of the weekends as they’re generally very fun)

@muppetsmum I too have been astounded by the aggressively unkind behaviour by so many on this thread, and I would be interested to understand their motivation for trolling you in this way. Was there a full moon yesterday?
You haven’t done anything wrong, simply made a hard decision in your child’s best interests and asked other mums for a bit of support in handling the emotional impact on yourself. FWIW, you will find a whole community of parents at your DS’s new school who will empathise without the need to judge or bully you. I did think you might find the same on here, but it seems MN was having a bad day. You are welcome to PM me if you want to ask any questions without attracting the proverbial ton of bricks.

I think you need to look up the definition of trolling.
There was some disagreement with OPs choice and lack of sympathy from parents who can’t imagine sending their child to live a large part of their time elsewhere at a young age and it was a bit cruel in some cases but a lot of people who were critical (myself included) have past and/or current experience of Boarding and have seen how damaging in can be in a lot of cases.
I am genuinely sorry OP is sad and missing her son but it was her choice to do so, even if she does believe it was in his best interests.

My son left home aged 10 to attend a full-time boarding prep school after winning a scholarship

I’m sorry but no one in my family who has either boarded or been the parent of a boarder has ever for one second considered the child to have ‘left home’. That would have been an absurd way to describe things in late-20th and 21st c England.

I’m frankly extremely suspicious of anyone making such a ridiculous claim.

Hopping do you also go onto Relationships threads and say "I'm sorry you regret marrying him but it was your choice" or onto Parenting threads "I'm sorry your childcare is so expensive but it was your choice to work full-time" or Pregnancy "I'm sorry you have SPD but was your choice to have sex without a condom"?

Saying "you made your bed, you lie in it" is not really in the spirit of a supportive site - ok maybe it's not trolling but it's certainly derailing, and unkind to put the boot in.

I don’t but I am not anti marriage or children in general.
I am anti boarding school (for 99% of children) and feel very passionately about that. Unless there is something very unusual in the child’s circumstances or home situation no child should be sent away to school, it just shouldn’t enter people heads to do it.
I don’t think OP is a bad parent or that her child hates her or any of the other dramatic nonsense some other people came out with though.

Tbf people do go on those boards and say the equivalent of 'you picked him' (relationships) and 'you chose to work/have DC' (childcare) and it's all part of the mix of perspectives on here, not trolling. The SPD example is just batshit though, course no one would say that and it's not remotely analogous to anything here.

An old friend is really struggling with this at the moment, she has two at boarding school and hates what it does to the family so much that she says she won’t send her third. She boarded so knew what it was like from that end and had some reservations but it has been a real shock to feel it from a parents’ point of view and see what it does to family life and relationships.
OP I expect you will get used to the feelings and your DC will too. It is just bringing the ‘leaving for university’ feeling forward by 5 years, all parents get it eventually. I take my hat off to you, I couldn’t do it however well educated I thought my DC would be at the end. I adore our home being a busy, noisy, family hub and want that to last as long as it can as we all thrive in it.

Yes, I was trying to be over-dramatic with the SPD example. But you're right that people do say those things, and it's just as unhelpful in those contexts too.

Over on Site Stuff I've suggested a Boarding schools board so that there is a space for posters to discuss these things without having to run the gauntlet of judgement about boarding school in general, so they can get advice on their particular situations. Might help all round, I think.

I also agree with you Hopping that boarding is not right for the vast majority of kids. But for some - even if that's only 1% - it is right, and that's still tens of thousands of kids and parents who might be looking for help and support without judgement.

@Xiaoxiong well surely if it doesn’t suit most kids then these sort or threads are good for parents who might not have experienced boarding like we have to see the reality behind the glossy marketing and age old assumptions about the boarding experience. J K Rowling and Enid Blyton have a lot to answer for and neither of them even boarded!