School mum has asked me to lend her money for school fees

[LucillesLooseWheel]

DS is in a prep school (just starting Year 6) and about a year ago, a new boy started.

Yesterday, I got an email from his Mum asking if I could lend her nearly £4000 as she can't pay next term's school fees.

I can afford this, and if she was a close friend I would do so without hesitation. However, I hardly know her. We chat at the school gate/matches etc, and we've had a couple of quick coffees at playdates/parties, but that's really all.

She wants to pay me back over the next six months. The problem is, I'm really not convinced she can pay it back - the backstory that has emerged is long-term debt, home repossession, and now a redundancy. Neither parent is in a particularly well-paying type job.

It's not losing the money that's worrying me (although that's not great, obvs) it's the thought of the MASSIVE awkwardness every time in see her for the next three years if she doesn't pay it back.😬

So, my inclination is to say that I can't afford it, but it will be fairly obvious to her that I can (I'm not blingy at all, but we are lucky to have a large house in an expensive area). Also, I feel sorry for the poor boy He's happy in the school and Year 6 is a big deal - they are about to take high-stakes pre-tests for senior schools. If he had to leave, there's a reasonable likelihood that he would end up at the not-so-great comp near where they live. (There are some fab comps in the area, but they would be lucky to hit catchment).

WHAT SHOULD I DO????

Yeah. If I could hand over £4000 for a luxury such as private school fees I'd not bloody do that. I'd feed kids who didn't eat yesterday! I'd put money on the meters of people who are so cold they can't function.

More likely a very bored mumsnetter with too much time on her hands and wanting a bit of attention.

This didn’t happen. No way. Full of holes.

Why on earth would it not be convincing? If you say you can't afford something you can't afford it. It really is as simple as that. Whether your house is big or you drive a flash car is no one's business but your own - both may be gifts from parents for example.

Of course it's a brag 😂

Agree with this, even down to the capitals WHAT SHOULD I DO and all the question marks - screams of a bored mumsnetter who wants to have a little brag about their life.

Loved it that the husband eventually appears and happens to agree it's a stupid idea, yet she didn't think to go and see what he thinks before wailing on here. You'd think she'd have asked him first seeing as her own brain cells don't seem to be functioning...

You see I don’t see it as a brag.

i see it as all nonsense.

and the op is no doubt bored, unemployed and dreaming of the life where her children are at private school and she’s approached to lend £4k because someone knows she’s wealthy.

i suspect the situation the op outlines is the opposite to her situation

Maybe this is actually a bigger scam than suspected ...

I note the boy's not long been at the school so maybe the mum moves her child from private school to private school, staying only long enough to work out which families have spare cash and which parents might be soft touches. Then she starts feeding out a sad backstory. sends out begging emails, nets some cash (I bet there might be some prepared to part with potentially smaller amounts), moves her DC to another school and starts again.

This. I would identify her myself but I would ask the parents I was closest to, whether they had had any 'interesting' requests from other parents.

CF flourish in secrecy, neutralise them with the oxygen of sunlight

It does happen. Happened to someone I know

There was a mum we tangled with who would find an excuse to sue the school in cahoots with her son then quit the school. It happened at ours. It came to light that it was the third public school. Our bursar was steaming asking the other schools why they had given good references. They were scared of her because she had the ear of a chief constable in another part of the country who brought pressure to bear.

To add insult to injury her sap of an ex husband was giving her the school fee money on trust. Imagine his surprise when he turned up at the school to see his son and found that he had left eight months previously and he still owed a years fees

What pathetic schools

to give a false reference because scared. Seriously. Sounds like schools that do warrant investigation. What are they hiding?

what did she sue the school for?

Don't lend it. If you want to sponsor her child via those fees to attend the school then just pay the school directly for that child and be done with it. Otherwise just say no.

If you do decide to sponsor her child set a boundary and tell her that you are only able to sponsor the child for this one time or there could be an expectation of this going forward.

You could also work with her and the child, depending on age, to work out a barter for work in the future to help instill a working mindset for this as well.

Just say that you’re afraid that wouldn’t be possible. No further explanation needed.

she needs to withdraw her child from private school.

So what happens next term?

@LucillesLooseWheel, this is NOT a problem you can solve! If a person cannot afford something, then they can't afford it and it is just that simple. That mother has targeted you! It is not your responsibility to provider her with money for her son's schooling! If she can't afford it, there are lots of options. First, start off by telling her you are not in a position to provide for the tuition of her son. This is true. You aren't in a mental position to give her anything. Then,

1. Tell her the school likely offers financial assistance to parents who cannot afford the tuition and tell her she should start her quest to get the money there. The school also likely offers payment plans that she can avail herself of that will allow her to pay THEM (not you) BACK any money she owes. A talk with the school should help her with this.
2. Tell her she can contact her local church to help with tuition.
3. Tell her she can take out payday loans.
4. Tell her she can talk to family.

People like this are classic. What happens the next time? If she can't afford fees now, how would she afford fees PLUS paying you back later? No! When other people become your backup plan for paying your bills, you need to evaluate your life choices and downsize! She is at that point and it is not your problem UNLESS you make it your problem! Don't make it your problem! If you do, I guarantee you this won't be the last request AND I guarantee you that she will continue to ask you for money not because she needs it, but because she can! People like that always have a sob story and things they "need".

wow the amount of indifference to people's struggle shows that they either put something in the water to make you cold and savages and barbaric or you are all just born this way.

wow just wow, what is this, OMG OMG, are y'all okay, what is wrong with you all WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU...

If I can afford the money to spare, YES I WOULD HELP HER. I have seen many people get that kind of help to attend a better education or better doctor help and usually it gets rewarded the double in the end.

I can't believe this thread AND THIS IS A MOTHERS THREAD PARENTS THAT ARE SUPPOSED TO RAISE THE NEW GENERATION. No wonder the new generation is like this. OMG

You ok hun?

@michelll nah, you’re either at the wind up or the sort of person who would be cheeky enough to ask for that sort of money from a stranger (I’m 99% sure that this whole thread should be added to the list of things that didn’t happen so much they unhappened something that had.

As @RealityTV says, if you felt you wanted to sponsor this child to attend the school then I would pay their school the fees directly.

Lending/giving the mum the money directly is nuts - you barely know her. She might have approached the parents of the whole class for all you know and be making a fortune.

In this situation I would suggest she contact the school and find out about bursaries/fee payment plans.

All totally hypothetical from this end as could never afford private school!

Assuming this happened that is

The lady is asking for school fees for a private school that she can't afford, not a winter coat for her child or help with housing/food. Private school is a luxury. If OP wants to be charitable, there are much better uses for those funds.

If @michelll was privately educated she should ask for her money back. We have perfectly good state schools the CF could send her son to.

Umm, maybe you are not from the UK because we have perfectly good schools all children can go to for FREE!! Incredible isn't it? It's hardly being a barbaric savage to decline to lend someone £4K which only covers 10 / 12 weeks education at a fee paying school they can't afford. There are lots of sensible suggestions on this thread re going to the bursar etc. Get a grip.

I'd tell her to kindly and politely kiss my ass.

What's in the water where you are?

There is currently another trending thread on Mumsnet wherein the OP lent a friend £4k which was never repaid. Be warned!