School mum has asked me to lend her money for school fees

[LucillesLooseWheel]

DS is in a prep school (just starting Year 6) and about a year ago, a new boy started.

Yesterday, I got an email from his Mum asking if I could lend her nearly £4000 as she can't pay next term's school fees.

I can afford this, and if she was a close friend I would do so without hesitation. However, I hardly know her. We chat at the school gate/matches etc, and we've had a couple of quick coffees at playdates/parties, but that's really all.

She wants to pay me back over the next six months. The problem is, I'm really not convinced she can pay it back - the backstory that has emerged is long-term debt, home repossession, and now a redundancy. Neither parent is in a particularly well-paying type job.

It's not losing the money that's worrying me (although that's not great, obvs) it's the thought of the MASSIVE awkwardness every time in see her for the next three years if she doesn't pay it back.😬

So, my inclination is to say that I can't afford it, but it will be fairly obvious to her that I can (I'm not blingy at all, but we are lucky to have a large house in an expensive area). Also, I feel sorry for the poor boy He's happy in the school and Year 6 is a big deal - they are about to take high-stakes pre-tests for senior schools. If he had to leave, there's a reasonable likelihood that he would end up at the not-so-great comp near where they live. (There are some fab comps in the area, but they would be lucky to hit catchment).

WHAT SHOULD I DO????

I think you should invite her to coffee and ask if she's approached the school.

It amazes me how many parents are terrified of asking for help with the school, but pride comes before a fall.

While only a few preps offer bursaries at Y3+, many will help unofficially, I've known a parent who managed to get help unofficially with the school. It's worth a shot with the alternative being withdrawal , even in this case, I've known a prep school to drop the demand for fees due because a terms notice was not given.

In both cases the parents suffered a huge loss of income and had lost their properties.

Lastly advise your friend theirs the option of moving to be near ( or at least within an hours commute) to a good state school if their local state school is so bad. I know one family that missed out on all their senior private schools and their DS ended up at what they viewed as an 'awful comp' but with the 20K a year they saved, they are able to employ a permanent tutor and afford clubs and trips for the boy, he's thriving. He even had an opportunity to join a great private senior at 13+ but didn't bother.

Don't be too hard on her, there's a lot of prep mums heading that way with the perfect storm heading to the UK. It's only those with real wealth - and I mean wealthy parents, six figure equity in their homes, that are really safe from all this- even those on high income can lose it in an afternoon email.

if you're happy to never see it again lend it her - but if you're expecting it / needing it back don't

"Sorry, I'm not in a position to help" is satisfyingly vague while implying that you can't afford it.

IME schools are as helpful and understanding as they can be and may well be able to assist. Definitely the right advice to speak to th ebursar.

Unless your initials are HSBC, I wouldn't touch this with a barge pole. She sounds crazy - who in their right mind asks an acquaintance for a massive loan?

She'll just have to do what everyone else who can't afford school fees does - send her child to a state school. He'll be fine.

Not your monkeys not your circus.

Of course the school should be told.
It's a private business, they have two issues 1, a client is trying to borrow from another client to pay the bills.
This could be off putting to other clients.
And means the client may not be able to pay them.

2, They are also a school with a duty to care for the child. There is a child who is in a house with financial difficulties. The same as any other child in that situation. They could essentially be living in poverty because all the money is going on essential bills, is the child coming to school hungry, not getting lunches, inadequately clothed, and fed. Do they have the school supplies they need?

Nope, no matter how you try to dress it up OP doesn't need to involve the school in this.

I would forward to the school in case it is a scam. It may not be the real parent asking this

No way!!!

Why should you.

If she can't afford I'm the fees then he should go to state school.

Say no! If you say yes once, she will keep asking! It isn't your job to pay her childs school fees because she is having difficulties.

The fact she’s even asked will tell you a lot about her. If you like her stick to quick coffees.

I wouldnt op have seen fallouts over money. Just say you few bits to do in the house so the money is needed not that u should have to explain.

No way would I lend the money. You are unlikely to get it back, she needs to put her DC in a school she can afford to send them to. Otherwise what happens next year - you pay again?

If I had that money to spare I'd be helping parents who can't afford heating and food for kids, not to pay for private school!

What @wellobviouslyyoucan said.

Apologise and say you are not in a position to help. If you feel bad then make a donation to the local foodbank.

If you say yes then what do you suppose will happen next term?

I'm not sure I'd even say yes in that situation if the other mum was my own sister.

She can't afford to repay you and she'll be asking again next term. What about all the extras on top of fees?

It's not like it's gcse year and the child's life will be ruined to move school 🤷🏻‍♀️ what's their plan for the next two key stages?

She has no way of knowing whether you can afford it unless you carry a money clip with wad of 50s around??? Having a nice house and kids in private school doesn't mean liquid assets! Your kids place could be funded by a trust/relative/bursary for all she knows!!

I also can't decide if it's brass neck or desperation but either way I'm embarrassed for her.

I've said it elsewhere and I'll say it again. Ask yourself, why doesn't this mum get a bank loan, or use her overdraft? Because she is not deemed by the bank to be creditworthy / solvent enough to repay the loan / overdraft. And if she can't repay a bank what makes you think she will repay you? (I know you don't think that really!)

A big, fat NO from me. I wouldn't feel bad about it. Anyway, my sister and her DH live in a big house in a nice area and they are always skint - they are high earners but also high spenders!

Someone who can't afford school fees should take their kids out of private school and put them in a state school.

Don't give it to her. You would be giving and not lending. She wouldn't pay it back and what's her plan for the following term's fees and the one after and the one after ...?

You won’t truly be helping them by lending the money. They need to come up with a sustainable way to maintain a private education for the next 7 years, or they need to find a good comprehensive. Your £4k is a drop in the ocean for what they really need.

I'd ask a couple of parents you are friends with if they've had a strange begging email from another school parent. You didn't agree to any 'in confidence', she asked for it and has no right.

Obviously, absolutely no reason to feel guilty for not giving away your money to another family to spend on the luxury of private education. There are food banks you could support if you want to help local families in need.

If she can't afford it then it's time to find a non fee paying school.Sounds like she's living a champagne lifestyle on a Tesco Prosecco budget.

There’s a thread on here about a woman who lend a good friend money and it’s gone tits up!

how will she afford to pay you back AND pay the next set of school fees?????? I wouldn’t

I don't believe this is real. Who asks a total stranger to lend them £4k?

Absolutely no. You don’t owe her an explanation either. Just, I’m sorry but I can’t will suffice!

I know that she swore you to silence and you feel obliged to honour that, but I would still ask your friends at the school if they have had any unusual requests from another school parent recently. If they don't know what you're talking about then you haven't broken any confidences but if they do then it might be that she's trying to scam multiple families.

Tell her no. Balls on her, Christ. I bet she's asked loads of people. She's put her kid in a school she can't afford. That's not your problem and she should be ashamed of herself, begging like that.