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Original poster

School mum has asked me to lend her money for school fees

390 replies

LucillesLooseWheel · 01/09/2022 11:35

DS is in a prep school (just starting Year 6) and about a year ago, a new boy started.

Yesterday, I got an email from his Mum asking if I could lend her nearly £4000 as she can't pay next term's school fees.

I can afford this, and if she was a close friend I would do so without hesitation. However, I hardly know her. We chat at the school gate/matches etc, and we've had a couple of quick coffees at playdates/parties, but that's really all.

She wants to pay me back over the next six months. The problem is, I'm really not convinced she can pay it back - the backstory that has emerged is long-term debt, home repossession, and now a redundancy. Neither parent is in a particularly well-paying type job.

It's not losing the money that's worrying me (although that's not great, obvs) it's the thought of the MASSIVE awkwardness every time in see her for the next three years if she doesn't pay it back.😬

So, my inclination is to say that I can't afford it, but it will be fairly obvious to her that I can (I'm not blingy at all, but we are lucky to have a large house in an expensive area). Also, I feel sorry for the poor boy He's happy in the school and Year 6 is a big deal - they are about to take high-stakes pre-tests for senior schools. If he had to leave, there's a reasonable likelihood that he would end up at the not-so-great comp near where they live. (There are some fab comps in the area, but they would be lucky to hit catchment).

WHAT SHOULD I DO????

OP posts:
Lucyintheskywithrubies · 01/09/2022 20:18

“Someone I barely know wants £4k. Should I lend it?”

I love MN 😂😂😂😂

mummy203 · 01/09/2022 20:19

Speak to school bursar. I’m guessing you know the school well. Explain you could help this term but what next term etc. Maybe there’s other help she can get too chances are she’s late any way so good chance for the bursar can contact her.

OldFan · 01/09/2022 20:38

'No, I can't, sorry.' (You shouldn't even feel you have to apologize really.)

surreygirl1987 · 01/09/2022 20:43

Whoaaa!

Willowthewispy · 01/09/2022 20:47

This sounds like a scam op. Definitely don't give her any money.

MrsLargeEmbodied · 01/09/2022 20:52

i think you could forward her requests on to the school
never mind about being sworn to secrecy

MrsLargeEmbodied · 01/09/2022 20:54

speak to her in person, in case she has been hacked
but please say no, you would be daft to say yes.

Childrenofthestones · 01/09/2022 20:55

OP. Did you inherit your money? Only somebody that has never grafted for what they have could ask such a silly question about this situation.

Dguu6u · 01/09/2022 20:58

Humblebrag...well done! Who would even consider doing this? You're just flaunting your financial situation during a time of crisis for many. Very callous of you.

HappyChloé2 · 01/09/2022 21:01

Lending money is absolutely fraught with problems, both in terms of losing the money and in terms of what it does to any relationship.

The general advice is just to say no, but if you are tempted to say yes then the question becomes why is she short. If they earn massively more than needed but messed up on the timing of another property purchase then that’s very different so someone over-stretched on living expenses but…

We stretched to but before selling on our last house but even so it was inconceivable that we would have needed to borrow from a casual acquaintance.

So, back to my first though, and it’s a hard “no.” If they are solvent but have a minor cash-flow issue then HSBC would be more than happy to help them out.

SirVixofVixHall · 01/09/2022 21:02

AnotherNewt · 01/09/2022 11:43

Decline, and suggest she talks to the bursar as a matter of some urgency to arrange for how she can pay by instalments over the next 6 months. She isn't the first and won't be the last private school parent to have a cash flow hiccup

I agree with this.
lending her the money now might not be helpful in the longer term, as she will still need to find the money next time fees are due, plus the cash to pay you back.
Hopefully the school will have some support in place, but you can’t keep paying his fees , and it sounds as though she really might not be able to afford this school at all.
It is v sad for her sun to leave now though, rather than at the end of year six.

Vapeyvapevape · 01/09/2022 21:07

I'd think twice about lending a friend this amount of money let alone some random mum at the school gates. Lending money is fraught with awkwardness and if she's brazen enough to ask you then she'll be brazen enough to front it out when she doesn't pay it back.

HappyChloé2 · 01/09/2022 21:07

BloodAndFire · 01/09/2022 12:02

I always find social media both reassuring and terrifying in this respect. There is literally no joke obvious or blatant enough that at least one person won't miss it entirely.

Show quote history

That’ll be me then.

WoolyMammoth55 · 01/09/2022 21:18

CloudPop · 01/09/2022 11:44

I heard about someone like this. Asked loads of parents for loans - when it all came out she'd fleeced tens of thousands out of people and had no means or intention of paying any of it back. Not sure what happened in the end.

Yes OP, I immediately thought that by the time she's worked through likely prospects and ended up at you, she has more than likely asked a LOT of people for £4K (that she hardly knows).

Say how sorry you are not to be able to help and check that she knows the Bursar might be able to assist.

FWIW my 2 kids go to a state school and are thriving - so it's not really a life-destroying hardship for them to move their son if they can't afford private prep school.

IncompleteSenten · 01/09/2022 21:22

It'd be a no from me.

If she's got to the point where she's asking someone she barely knows, that says to me she's run out of people to cadge money off.

Beepbeepenergy · 01/09/2022 21:25

NO NO and NO !!!

Amipreg1 · 01/09/2022 21:32

Personally, if I had the money, wouldn't miss it and knew that it was genuinely needed for school fees I would do it for the boy, but then I've been told so many times that I'm too soft.

SallyWD · 01/09/2022 21:51

PainsandAches · 01/09/2022 11:42

I'd tell you're not able to loan her the money but advise her to speak to the school as many have processes in place for this very situation

This.

saleorbouy · 01/09/2022 21:59

If you can't afford private school then there are free ones called state schools.
Surely she can approach the school for a scholarship or payment plan instead.
I would just tell her you feel uncomfortable lending to friends as it has damaged relationships in the past.

nightvision · 01/09/2022 23:05

I just do not understand why anyone would go private school when their home financial situations are so perilous.

LoisLane66 · 02/09/2022 00:00

It might be outwardly noticeable that you can afford it but outward appearances are not the whole story. Some can be asset rich but cash poor. It might irritate you to let her think you can't afford to lend her 4k but I think the mantra is to never borrow and never lend.
I can cause huge rifts in families and friendships never mind someone you barely know. She's cheeky but then there are all sorts of people who do stuff we wouldn't do ourselves and the reverse.
You could say that lending money is something you never do and yes, tell mums you are friendly with so they are armed with answers if approached.

LoisLane66 · 02/09/2022 00:01

*It, not I

Cowhen · 02/09/2022 06:52

I don't think it's a humblebrag at all. The OP is explaining why "Sorry, I can't afford it" is not going to be a convincing response.

OP, as many PP have said, say no, don't give her a reason, and direct her to the burser. Her child will still get an education, just maybe not at that particular school. It's not the end of the world.

CaptainMyCaptain · 02/09/2022 08:26

Amipreg1 · 01/09/2022 21:32

Personally, if I had the money, wouldn't miss it and knew that it was genuinely needed for school fees I would do it for the boy, but then I've been told so many times that I'm too soft.

Your money would be better spent helping people that can't afford to eat or heat their homes. Private school is an unnecessary luxury.

Bretonbear · 02/09/2022 08:35

Amipreg1 · 01/09/2022 21:32

Personally, if I had the money, wouldn't miss it and knew that it was genuinely needed for school fees I would do it for the boy, but then I've been told so many times that I'm too soft.

Wonder if you will suddenly get a lot of messages now asking for money 😂