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Original poster

School mum has asked me to lend her money for school fees

390 replies

LucillesLooseWheel · 01/09/2022 11:35

DS is in a prep school (just starting Year 6) and about a year ago, a new boy started.

Yesterday, I got an email from his Mum asking if I could lend her nearly £4000 as she can't pay next term's school fees.

I can afford this, and if she was a close friend I would do so without hesitation. However, I hardly know her. We chat at the school gate/matches etc, and we've had a couple of quick coffees at playdates/parties, but that's really all.

She wants to pay me back over the next six months. The problem is, I'm really not convinced she can pay it back - the backstory that has emerged is long-term debt, home repossession, and now a redundancy. Neither parent is in a particularly well-paying type job.

It's not losing the money that's worrying me (although that's not great, obvs) it's the thought of the MASSIVE awkwardness every time in see her for the next three years if she doesn't pay it back.😬

So, my inclination is to say that I can't afford it, but it will be fairly obvious to her that I can (I'm not blingy at all, but we are lucky to have a large house in an expensive area). Also, I feel sorry for the poor boy He's happy in the school and Year 6 is a big deal - they are about to take high-stakes pre-tests for senior schools. If he had to leave, there's a reasonable likelihood that he would end up at the not-so-great comp near where they live. (There are some fab comps in the area, but they would be lucky to hit catchment).

WHAT SHOULD I DO????

OP posts:

FrancescaContini · 01/09/2022 11:46

Tell her to get lost!

User478 · 01/09/2022 11:47

What if she's messaged every parent she sort of knows asking for £4k?!

Original poster

LucillesLooseWheel · 01/09/2022 11:47

THANK YOU, THANK YOU Everyone.

I'm sitting here feeling like a complete cow for not wanting to help when I easily could.

You have really helped.

OP posts:

Zott · 01/09/2022 11:49

Absolutely not! Refer her to the Bursar and forget about it.

Threelittlelambs · 01/09/2022 11:50

There are other ways of helping less fortunate people than one child in a school.

If you feel the need ‘make up’ for it and give a donation to a food bank or homeless charity.

YouSoundLovely · 01/09/2022 11:51

Could you 'easily', though? Just because the money is in your bank and you wouldn't be thrown into penury to lose it, doesn't make it 'easy'. There's the potential for awkwardness you mention; the potential for effectively prolonging their struggles by postponing the moment at which they have to see it doesn't work and change tack; and there's the fact that nobody really knows what's round the corner. I think all of those are pretty high costs of you helping her, tbh. And yes, what if she's messaged just about everyone she's ever spoken to?

LadyLapsang · 01/09/2022 11:51

Just say you are sorry but it has to be a no - don’t say you can’t afford it etc. or get into further discussions. Advise her to speak to the Bursar / Head and if it is likely to be a long term issue perhaps apply for an in-year Year 6 place in a state primary and definitely get in a Yr. 7 application by the deadline as a back up.

Creativecrafts · 01/09/2022 11:53

I wouldn't do it. School fees go up all the time and if she can't afford this term's fees, she probably won't be able to afford next term's either.
Just tell her you're sorry, but you don't have enough spare money.
Her son won't be denied an education, he can go to a state school.

EverythingHeadinSouth · 01/09/2022 11:53

Even if you can afford to lose it should it come to that (and it will) there must be plenty of other people or good causes that you'd rather give money to. She's effectively a stranger. I wouldn't even bother replying personally.

Draughtycatflapreturns · 01/09/2022 11:53

Just thinking out of the box here. Could you and the other mums form one of those groups that writes and sings a charity single about the horror of going to state school and give her the proceeds?

FreudayNight · 01/09/2022 11:53

SpikeyHatePotato · 01/09/2022 11:42

Don’t lend it, but you could suggest she speaks to the school bursar, there may be support available that is she not aware of

i would modify this by replying a polite no and to contact the bursar. Most importantly cc the bursar in your reply.

NoInvitesEver · 01/09/2022 11:54

Definitely a big No. Undoubtably she's exhausted commercial borrowing options - you can be sure she'll pay back the commercial borrowing before you, but she may be on verge of bankruptcy or IVAs. You'd never see the money.
I can't believe she asked you. She must have a lot of front to do that as anyone in her position really ought to be moving her son.
You shouldn't have to give a reason to refuse but if you have to you could say there's no way your partner would agree (if applicable) or that you and partner discussed but it's a No, or that you don't lend money to anyone.
It's a huge imposition by her.

Irridescantshimmmer · 01/09/2022 11:55

Say NO,........there is little probability of you getting the money back.

Billybagpuss · 01/09/2022 11:55

What a bizarre request! How does she plan on paying January and April bill? And just because you have a nice house doesn’t mean you can afford it, unless she works for the bank and has seen your balance you could be existing on value beans to maintain your mortgage and school fees for all she knows.

ChairOfInvisibleStudies · 01/09/2022 11:55

If you have £4k spare there are much more worthy causes...

TrashyPanda · 01/09/2022 11:56

Definitely say no.

YouSoundLovely · 01/09/2022 11:56

Draughtycatflapreturns · 01/09/2022 11:53

Just thinking out of the box here. Could you and the other mums form one of those groups that writes and sings a charity single about the horror of going to state school and give her the proceeds?

Kiplingsroad · 01/09/2022 11:56

How does anyone get through life when this is even something they have to ask? I mean, really, you seriously considered saying yes? 4000 quid? She actually asked? More money than sense all round.

kimchifox · 01/09/2022 11:57

NO! Just say no! There was a couple like this at DCs old prep school and managed to con some kind hearted souls out of a few grand to pay the fees. If you can't afford to pay there are plenty of great state schools to send your DC to. Do not touch this with a barge pole. Kind hearted people in my story have never seen a penny repaid as perps claimed it was a gift. Ffs.

GoAround · 01/09/2022 11:57

You say you’re not able to help, suggest she talks to the burser and wish her luck. Do not apologise, do not lie and say you can’t afford it. If she can genuinely pay it back in instalments then she shouldn’t have an issue agreeing a payment plan with the burser now will she?! I would also suspect she’s probably trying to fleece other parents too and I highly doubt you’re the only one she’s contacted. If you’re even remotely considering this, and you really shouldn’t be, then just make sure you pay the school direct and don’t give her a penny. But seriously don’t do it. If the family can’t afford private they would be best sorting it now and moving him sooner rather than later, state is not the end of the world!

goldfinchonthelawn · 01/09/2022 11:57

Tell her you can't lend her the money and recommend that she contacts the school bursar to ask if they can offer a full bursary.

Nat6999 · 01/09/2022 11:58

Cloudpop I was friends with someone like that, gave everyone a sob story that she had left an abusive relationship & he had got her account frozen, she borrowed off half the mums in the playground at school & gave us all cheques that bounced quicker than a superball, she even had her ex arrested & put on remand for rape which he was found not guilty for. Years later her picture was in the paper after she was jailed for stealing her son's trust fund from his dead dad's estate. I would never lend money again. Op don't lend her anything because if she doesn't pay you back you are stuffed legally to get it back.

Creativecrafts · 01/09/2022 11:58

Draughtycatflapreturns · 01/09/2022 11:53

Just thinking out of the box here. Could you and the other mums form one of those groups that writes and sings a charity single about the horror of going to state school and give her the proceeds?

I don't think that is a good idea, on many levels. It could be embarrassing for the mother who can't afford the fees. (On the other hand, if she is cheeky enough to ask for money from a virtual stranger, she might not be embarrassed.
It wouldn't go down well to sing about the horrors of state schools either. Some are excellent and compare very well with private schools.

BloodAndFire · 01/09/2022 12:00

Draughtycatflapreturns · 01/09/2022 11:53

Just thinking out of the box here. Could you and the other mums form one of those groups that writes and sings a charity single about the horror of going to state school and give her the proceeds?

I love this! ❤️

"Do They Know It's Pre-Test Time At All?" 🎶

Guaranteed Xmas number one.

PurBal · 01/09/2022 12:00

Say no. But the school will arrange a payment plan so her child doesn’t need to leave middle of his education. She needs to speak to the bursar.

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