School mum has asked me to lend her money for school fees

[LucillesLooseWheel]

DS is in a prep school (just starting Year 6) and about a year ago, a new boy started.

Yesterday, I got an email from his Mum asking if I could lend her nearly £4000 as she can't pay next term's school fees.

I can afford this, and if she was a close friend I would do so without hesitation. However, I hardly know her. We chat at the school gate/matches etc, and we've had a couple of quick coffees at playdates/parties, but that's really all.

She wants to pay me back over the next six months. The problem is, I'm really not convinced she can pay it back - the backstory that has emerged is long-term debt, home repossession, and now a redundancy. Neither parent is in a particularly well-paying type job.

It's not losing the money that's worrying me (although that's not great, obvs) it's the thought of the MASSIVE awkwardness every time in see her for the next three years if she doesn't pay it back.😬

So, my inclination is to say that I can't afford it, but it will be fairly obvious to her that I can (I'm not blingy at all, but we are lucky to have a large house in an expensive area). Also, I feel sorry for the poor boy He's happy in the school and Year 6 is a big deal - they are about to take high-stakes pre-tests for senior schools. If he had to leave, there's a reasonable likelihood that he would end up at the not-so-great comp near where they live. (There are some fab comps in the area, but they would be lucky to hit catchment).

WHAT SHOULD I DO????

Big house doesn’t always = lots of spare cash floating around. V often, big house = huge mortgage = tight purse strings 🤷🏻‍♀️

Sounds like her time is up with private school. She can’t afford it and she needs to accept that.
For her child’s sake, she needs to start being realistic and start looking at state schools.

She won’t pay you back because she doesn’t have the money. She simply can’t afford that aspect of her lifestyle anymore and you lending her the money will just be papering over the cracks.

Send the money to me. You don’t know me either, and you won’t have the problem of seeing me at the school gates.

£4k is a big ask and unless prepared for lose it and not feel awkward around her the answer is no

a good friend maybe and a payment plan

this lady no.

Just no.
Message back
We are not in position to provide any sort of loan. Susan.

No apology nothing. No kisses nothing.
Can't afford -take your kid out.

I would also inform the bursar by forwarding the email on -this would come under safeguarding potentially.

If she has a house repossession and redundancy, then cutting out school fees is a really obvious step.

And if can’t afford this term, but wants to borrow and repay over six months then she will be in even deeper by the time the next term’s fees are due in January. It’s totally unsustainable.

Quite apart from the fact you don’t know her.

Sad and worrying but not your problem, OP.

Say your money is tied up in assets and don’t have the cash to hand. Maybe take her out for a coffee to explain and listen to what’s going on for her?

Let's say it again - CFs ask only because lovely, nice people like you are too afraid to upset people.

Do you have a school whatsapp group? I'd be messaging it saying - watch out! scam warning! I've received this mail from Jane Smith asking for money. I've reported it to the bursar as well just in case. Jane - please check your email - it looks like you've been hacked!

The OP doesn't have to explain her financial situation to anyone. She just needs to say no.

Can she not pay in installments via School Fee plan if the school is a participating member? Otherwise she needs to put her child in to a state school, it's really not your problem.

No you’re right she doesn’t. It was an excuse my MIL used to a friend in a similar situation to make it an easier blow (in case she’s not feeling brave enough to say it out right).

Most fee paying schools have schemes to assist for this kind of scenario. If she’s good for a loan she would be able to get it from the usual sources. A bank or financial assistance via the school.

On what planet?!

I would say you empathise but your funds are tied up in investments or something like that or you are already helping a family member, then suggest talking to the school directly.

She won’t know you ‘can afford it’ even if you have the. I’ve house etc. She probably had similar before whatever has happened, happened. Many people seem wealthy but dont have much & vice versa! Politely decline say you sorry, can’t afford it. You’ve got zero obligation here and tbh the school could & should help unless they’re total arses!! X

Don’t do it. A friend did exactly this a few years ago and has never fully been repaid. It all ended in recriminations and awkward encounters at the school gate. The school burser will be better-placed to help.

I disagree. Don't make excuses up regarding your finances because it implies that you would help if you could. No need to justify to her why you won't lend her a huge sum of money.

Absolutely not. As you say, she is not even a close friend and personally I would find it incredibly cheeky to have even asked in the first place. If she is that desperate than she needs to see if she can set up some sort of payment plan with the school. If not, state schools will be able to accommodate.

Like the rest of us, she needs to cut her coat according to her cloth!

If you have trouble with your boundaries and difficulty saying No to people. Why not just ignore the email. Chances are she sent it to others too.

Sorry haven't read the whole thread, but just one more saying NO NO NO!

If he's only been in the school a year, they may not actually have paid any fees at all yet - you have no way of knowing. Schools can get taken for a ride for a term or two, three at most, but any money you give her would likely be going towards arrears anyway, not this term's fees. Do not feel bad. There are plenty of good state schools around, so you are not depriving a child of their education by saying no.

I actually know someone who did this. One mum gave another £5k. I say gave because it was a loan that was never paid back (this was 10 years ago).

This mum will have asked loads of people including you. She isn’t a close friend, it’s an outrageous request. Chances of it being paid back are about 5%. Tell her to contact the school as they will have arrangements for people in difficult situations.

If you are too afraid to say no, tell her your husband won’t allow it.

What “safeguarding” ???