How can I change my daughters mind? - I do nor want her to go to single sex school

[acca2017]

My daughter is 10 years old and we are planning to move her private secondary in year 7. She currently in state primary and doing really well. We visited schools near us this year to have an idea. We were always thinking a coed secondary for her but after visiting single sex schools (girls only) she would like to go there but that wasnt my plan. We visited St Dunstands, Colfes and Blackheath High School so far, unfortunately we couldn't attend Bromley High's open day. I only wanted to view the girls only schools in case if she can not have a offer from any coed schools we can have more options/chances. We didnt want to put all our eggs in to one egg but now my daughter says she really liked the girls only school environment etc... I am trying to change her mind since December last year but she is so straight forward. When we visited girls only school... a year 10 girl showed us around which was really kind, smart and intelligent. She talked a lot about girls only school advantages etc...- maybe thats the reason she would like to go there. I told her that I want her to be in one of coed schools and now she says she will do bad in the coed school exams so that she will need to go to girls only school. She is really bright, hard worker, smart child which is way above avarege. Me and her teachers belives that she will good in 11+ but now I am not sure how she will do in exams. I am not from UK so I do no have any experience in single sex school environment and none of my relatives attended so far, so, I am not sure what is the advantages and disadvantages. There are articles online which shows taht girls do better in all female environment but I think coed is really life, its sounds more normal to me. Am I wrong?

P.S: changed subject and copy and pasted here as nobody responded x

And I find your last comment quite offensive and anti women/girls, boys most definitely bully girls as well and each other, and their bullying can be sexual in nature.

If she is “shy and hesitant” in her primary school where she has presumably known the teachers and classmates for some time , how do you think she will cope in a mixed secondary class when studies indicate that teacher time is often taken up by boys v girls in the approximate ration of 8:1. She won’t stand a chance of having her voice heard.

Your dd has better instincts than you. It can be very difficult and uncomfortable to be with boys, who can be horrible in class. They can also be perfectly nice and it's good socially, but if you have a quiet studious child, the mixed classes can be unpleasant.

Take a look at this report and see if you feel differently:

www.theguardian.com/society/2021/mar/27/sexual-abuse-rife-in-state-schools-say-police

And this

www.economist.com/britain/2021/04/03/britains-private-schools-are-caught-in-a-sexual-abuse-scandal

I went to a single sex girls school. I personally believe that going to a girls school makes girls more confident and willing to do what they want without external pressure.

My sister was at the same school as I had been when it went co Ed. She said it was really obvious which girls had been co Ed previously as they generally deferred to the boys and wouldn't do subjects such as maths and physics because they were 'boys' subjects.

Maybe I wouldn’t have been ill because I would have had a reprieve in school. Maybe I would have told a teacher about my home life and I would have been moved into f/t care and not ended up being put into the boarding section the school offered every few months when my mother would go off the rails and end up in the psychiatric hospital.

I wouldn’t have had the same academic pressure. Private single sex school had a need to prove their education standards in purely academic subjects.

I am dyslexic and have ADHD. I work as a delivery driver/builder. I wanted to be a long distance lorry driver/plumber. I had no interest in purely academic subjects.
I am pretty sure my dyslexia would have been flagged and even my ADHD could have been diagnosed which in itself would have changed my life and because it was Co Ed I could have done plumbing and carpentry. They even had a welding room.

Why do you think if you go to a Co Ed school as a girl you will automatically get sexually assaulted by a boy and you are safe in an all girls school.
I left school with every bit of confidence knocked out of me and I was and am a confident person.

My primary school friends seemed to go through the Co Ed system without ever being sexually assaulted

You think boys being mean to her= ‘that’s life’? Maybe go on a parenting course. Ffs. Educate yourself and raise a child who has higher expectations and boundaries for herself in life than simply tolerating shit male behaviour.

Why won’t you say why you want to force her to be around males?

My DD went from a mixed state primary school to an all girls private school at 11 years.

she wanted to go because she was sick of the boys behaviour at primary school. I didn’t mind as I’d gone to all girl state high school.

I felt it was brilliant for her and it encouraged her in sports, maths, physics etc. The school also have links with boys schools for sporting events and socials. She and I were glad she didn’t have to go through the bullying and pressure some boys exhibit. She got very good GCSE results.

However she did go to a mixed state sixth form college where she then had “real life” as you put it. I think she was better able to handle boys at 17/18 and had more “nous”than at 12/13. Her results weren’t great, but she still managed to get to her preferred university. (But she went down the arts route).

Her friends who stayed on at her school generally did much better at the exams, but I think that may have been more due to it being private than no boys.

It is essentially horses for courses, some girls are more suited for one than the other. I might add if you insist and send her to a mixed school and she hates it, it will be your fault in her head.

if you are going to do that, which I strongly disagree with anyway, then why "pretend" to give a choice in the first place? "you get to choose but only if you choose what I want" is plain nasty.

My DD is just about to start at an all girls school. I was initially more in favour of mixed schools, having been to one myself. She said she would prefer the single sex school and one of the things that tipped it for me is that she is quite shy and I think being in an all girls environment will build her confidence. She's already fed up of the boys disrupting her learning and she's only in year 6. Plus the school is one of the better ones in the area and had a good feel to it

So you seem to accept that your school actually offered a place for you to sleep otherwise I guess you would have been farmed out to foster families? Have you considered how much harder and less safe you would have been in the care system? Given the number of children that suffer abuse of all kinds.

Your problems as a child sound very hard, but surely mostly down to your mothers ill health and a lack of family support rather than the single sex element of your school? Co Ed’s are also competitive and aspirational. Almost certainly you would have been under the same pressure as a dyslexic child with ADHD - I can’t think the magical presence of boys would have made any difference at all?!! 🤷🏼‍♀️

I think you are blaming the wrong thing for your experiences and troubled personally and your school sounds very caring ensuring you avoided being vulnerable in a toxic care system, I hope our school would do that for dd if the need ever arose.

How go you know your daughters would have fared worse in coed..?

Both mine went to single sex schools. Absolutely the right thing for them especially my daughter. She thrived and was able to do all the science subjects without the usual "male subjects" pressure.

My school was mixed and I was the only girl doing physics and applied mathematics. I had a fairly miserable 2 years in those classes.

I started secondary school at a girls school, but a house move 30 miles away meant a change of school to a co-ed. It was honestly awful. Sexist remarks, occasional grabbing of breasts and even being pinned over a desk being dry humped. I would never want that for my daughter - both her choice and ours was single sex. If you don't have any idea how awful teenage boys are, at least listen to your daughters wishes and not what you want for her.

Do you know what co-ed looks like right now in this country?

Girls are sexually harassed by boys, regardless of whether they tell their parents or not and it makes zero difference how smart, sensible etc she is.

Send her to single sex school! She wants that fo her own reasons so please respect her wishes.

It’s much worse now I believe because boys are watching hardcore porn and are learning to objectify women and girls m a way that didn’t happen in the past.

Filming and posting sexual humiliation has become the norm. There is much less trust in this generation, and many girls are abused/raped and even when it’s reported it is swept under the carpet, this is a big problem in co ed public schools. Girls are being passed around.

Listening to my friends I find it heartbreaking listening to what their dds have been through. If never now let my dd go to a co Ed school

If we had a viable single sex school option, I would enroll my daughter immediately. That girls do better academically in single sex environments is well established.

Also seeing what she has to put up with from some of the boys at her school, I would absolutely love if she didn’t have to try to learn with them around.

As an American with our unique violence issues, I would also feel safer if she was in an all girls schools. Sadly, almost all of the single-sex schools here are religiously affiliated which is not an option for us.

I would go with what she wants. Girls do well at single sex, particularly if she really wants to be in that environment. IME Co-eds are tailored to favour boys anyway.

Just to add a different view, I tried both and much preferred co-ed. I always had friends who were male and female and no bra-pinging. Some of my female friends who went to the girls only school then joined our local mixed college at 16 found it hard to make friendships with boys, it was like they were all potential boyfriends. They behaved strangely around them and were not being their normal selves. Nothing the boys were doing caused this, they were decent lads. Settled down eventually but something to be aware if your DD doesn't have many young male relatives or friends.

I am a teacher now and have taught in lots of co-ed schools. Please don't tar them all with the same brush. I've worked in state comprehensives where poorly behaved boys (and girls - they are not all hard-working and well behaved), caused disruption on a daily basis. I wouldn't recommend the ones round here, but in other parts of the country I'm sure there are some better ones. I now work in an independent co-ed and it couldn't be more different. Boys and girls working together, much more respectful and all wanting to do well. Boys do not take over my classroom, as some other posters have suggested happens. Plenty of female success in STEM, very high take up of maths, loads doing Chemistry, a decent amount doing Physics and winning prizes/competitions in it as well as gaining top grades. Absolutely not overshadowed by the boys, great leadership opportunities and learning to work with everyone regardless of sex. If I had a DD and could afford it, I'd choose a school like that, especially as the amount of eating disorders and friendship issues my friends with DD's in the local girls only independent school report is off-putting.

The fact that there are different kinds of schools around shows that different ones suit different children and you have go with what you think with suit your DC.

will suit your DC.

My DH works (and has always worked) in co-ed state schools - some good, some failing and some in between. He is absolutely adamant based on his experience that he wants DD to go to a single sex school when she reaches secondary school age.

@BobbinHood I wouldn't send mine to any of the state comps near us either. Independent co-ed is a delight though! Hence, I wouldn't dismiss co-ed entirely if fees were an option.

This.