How can I change my daughters mind? - I do nor want her to go to single sex school

[acca2017]

My daughter is 10 years old and we are planning to move her private secondary in year 7. She currently in state primary and doing really well. We visited schools near us this year to have an idea. We were always thinking a coed secondary for her but after visiting single sex schools (girls only) she would like to go there but that wasnt my plan. We visited St Dunstands, Colfes and Blackheath High School so far, unfortunately we couldn't attend Bromley High's open day. I only wanted to view the girls only schools in case if she can not have a offer from any coed schools we can have more options/chances. We didnt want to put all our eggs in to one egg but now my daughter says she really liked the girls only school environment etc... I am trying to change her mind since December last year but she is so straight forward. When we visited girls only school... a year 10 girl showed us around which was really kind, smart and intelligent. She talked a lot about girls only school advantages etc...- maybe thats the reason she would like to go there. I told her that I want her to be in one of coed schools and now she says she will do bad in the coed school exams so that she will need to go to girls only school. She is really bright, hard worker, smart child which is way above avarege. Me and her teachers belives that she will good in 11+ but now I am not sure how she will do in exams. I am not from UK so I do no have any experience in single sex school environment and none of my relatives attended so far, so, I am not sure what is the advantages and disadvantages. There are articles online which shows taht girls do better in all female environment but I think coed is really life, its sounds more normal to me. Am I wrong?

P.S: changed subject and copy and pasted here as nobody responded x

Single sex is fantastic for girls as it gives them space to blossom without being constricted by boys. She will still come into contact with boys. Most single sex schools have a partnership with another of the opposite sex. And you could sign her up for out of school activities which are coed.

I'd go for it. It's an amazing opportunity.

I didn’t want my dds to go to a girls school either ( I had a horrible experience) but they really wanted to go - and it’s their decision after all.

Our experience over six years in a private girls school - with two girls has been pretty amazing. No bullying or nastiness. The school fosters support for one another and it mostly works, although it is competitive at times. The girls are focused on studying mainly, sports and friendships and not on boys and parties. It seems to have had the effect of holding off growing up too soon, giving them time and space to develop, to discover what they are actually good at and be themselves. Eldest dd has just got her A level results and smashed them. Academically they are both flying.

We have friends at mixed co ed schools and they wake up an hour early to do their hair and make up etc, there is a lot of sexual tension, parties, arguments over boys, upskirting, under age sex, drinking and vaping have all been issues. We have had none of that.

I would a million per cent choose an all girls school again - and now realise it’s not the 80s anymore and I should not have judged my dds choices on my own dodgy out of date views!

Let your dd go and be happy - academically and on a personal level she will flourish if it’s a good school and make life long friends

Two of my three DDs went to a girls'grammar school. It tas great for them.

Your last post seems to suggest that you think your DD should learn to put up with sexual pestering and harassment from boys because that is life! No!! It isn't life, or it certainly shouldn't be. It is behaviour which should never be tolerated. Your DD has the option now to try and get away from it. She wants to use that, which is totally fair. Let her.

I would also say the endless push for blow jobs and anal sex (to avoid pregnancy apparently) is absolutely rife in mixed schools and should not be swept under the carpet or ignored.

As a result many of the girls we know have actually lost a lot of confidence, and were exposed to sex pressure far far too early and had awful experiences in some cases. The idea of ‘training’ your dd to put up with what sometimes amounts to sexual assault and rape at such a young age is appalling.

I absolutely loved my girls school.
I still had male friends from hobbies outside of school.
None of my friends had trouble relating to boys after school.
We all got good exam grades.

I'd let her go to her preferred school.

Well, if you mean you want her used to dealing with sexual assault and harassment on a daily basis because she's had it every day since year 7, then sent her to a mixed school.

If you mean you want her confident to express her opinions and to enjoy sports and not see any subject as off-limits because the boys do it or she doesn't fancy being in a class as the only girl, listen to her.

I don't live far from the OP. My experience is the state system though. DD wanted to go to a very good co-ed nearby. All our options were for co-eds...but we didn't get any of them, all oversubscribed. We were offered a failing girl's school in Peckham (if you live in the area you kniw where that is) so we said, no, we'll go on waiting lists thank you.

DD and I toured girl's schools (which we hadn't previously considered) and put her name down for one within the borough and one just outside (but we live on the border do it's not far from our house). Both came up fairly quickly but we chose the one out of borough becsuse it felt safe, the older girls were lovely and the headteacher impressed us. The gcse attainment was better too.

Now DD is finishing Y10. Her school has links with a boys school nearby, and the schools share a sixth form. But I now appreciate she has been able to focus on lessons much better without boys wanting all the attention. The school has a lot of focus on female pressures like equal pay, sex and relationships, politics and social attitudes. It's very feminist. The girls are told that they can do anything, and focuses on STEM. Some parents prefer a girl's school because of religious reasons. I didn't find it bitchy at all.

Outside of school there's plenty of opportunities to mix with boys. My daughter goes to clubs, and some of her friends bring boys along to social occasions. She also sees the lads from the nearby boys school. She says she hasn't yet met a boy she's been impressed with or could be friends with but that may still change. She plans to stay and do A levels so she'll mix with boys there.

I'm glad she's gone to a girl's school now. She's a shy girl but it's improved her confidence.

@acca2017 www.gov.uk/government/publications/review-of-sexual-abuse-in-schools-and-colleges/review-of-sexual-abuse-in-schools-and-colleges

Girls do better in single sex schools. Boys not so much.

Both my DDs went to single sex schools (actually all girls until sixth year then mixed with the boys from their linked boys’ school). I teach engineering at an RG university. A disproportionate number of our female students went to girls’ schools. One of the reasons I wanted a girls school for my DDs was that generally the female students from girls’ schools stand out as more confident in our male dominated environment. They haven’t learned to defer to male opinion.

whilst boys do better in co-Ed, all the studies and research suggest that girls do much better socially and academically in a single sex environment.

One old friend of mine now a headteacher said coeds are coed for the benefit of boys only - and he is right.
Boys will work harder in order to beat the girls and try harder to do so, the female presence dissipates the male hormones and there are less fights and eruptions in class - and they learn to assert their misogyny early on. It’s a win win for boys and a lose lose for girls. It’s very well known

I understand your worry OP.
I went to a girls school, and whilst it no doubt gave me a much better education than I'd have got at the local mixed comprehensive, I feel it didn't prepare me for life with boys in a "day to day" environment. We had plenty of contact with boys, but it was mostly in a boyfriend capacity, so having platonic male friends was something I wasn't used to. I feel sure this contributed to my struggles with boyfriends in my 20s - boys were a mystery, and I often got things wrong in relationships. (I had an older brother, but that's not the same as having boys as mates).

It's only now I've got 2 teenage sons that I'm learning how boys minds work, what makes them tick etc. And I see the easy friendships they have with girls, where there's no sexual agenda, just good mates - and I realise that I didn't have that until I went to university, and it took me a while to learn how to do it.

I'm sure others will say this is rubbish, and they had plenty of male friends despite being at a girls school, but that was certainly my experience.

That said, starting secondary school is a big jump for kids, and you need her to be happy with where she's going. She'll probably blame you in 2-3 years when she suddenly realises she wants boys around, but that's just tough! And you can remind her of her choices!!

This. The take up of STEM
a levels by girls in coed schools is pretty abysmal generally.

In girls schools it is generally much better. That is not because girls in coed schools are worse at the sciences .

I went to a girls school.

All my children attended mixed schools. The stories they told me were horrifying - boys become pushy loud and like PP said pushing for nudes, etc, and expecting the girls to put up with it. There was a huge shift in years 10/11 as the girls fought back and the police were called on several occasions, resulting in a slap on the wrist as they don’t like to criminalize boys at an early age. Girls seem to be easy targets.

I wasn’t impressed.

My dd has just finished sixth form at a girls' grammar, and she has thrived on being in a single-sex environment. The girls are close and supportive, the behaviour is good, there is very little bullying. Before she applied, she wanted to get away from some of the boys at school as they were just twats.

Girls can achieve better at single-sex schools, especially in STEM subjects. I wouldn't dissuade your dd if that's what she wants.

Girls do better in single sex education so why are you so against it OP?

I went to a girls school as did my DD for Y7-11. I wouldn't have it any othe.r way. They are so empowering for girls. There are no male subjects or female subjects - everything is available to them. They have strong female role models - especially in the independent schools where old girls are valued and welcomed back to share their stories with current pupils. They are taught to be strong - girl power is a thing!

My DD gained so much confidence - so much so that when for various reasons she wanted a change for 6th form, she chose to go to the 6th form at a boys school which took some girls. She ended up one of 40ish girls in a year group of 180. She had the confidence to hold her own in that environment and has flown.

Mixed schools are not best for girls. Send her to the school she wants :)

Honestly I don’t think it makes much difference either way in terms of people enjoying school (any differences get exaggerated).

There are good arguments that girls do better at single sex schools, and build more confidence having female role models, not feeling they have to follow specific behaviour patterns, and not having boys dominate the classroom.

She can always do mixed sex activities outside school, and they may have a brother school they do joint activities with. She can also move in 6th form if she wants (although many don’t).

So, as long as you are happy with your shortlist, I’d let her have the final pick.

Academically girls perform better in single sex schools.

I went to s single sex school and performed quite well at uni. I'm now in my 30s with a good job amd am in a stable committed relationship.
I work at a uni and I sometimes hear the drama of teenager and to be honest I don't think it makes any difference if your from a single sex or mixed sex school there's always the same teen drama.

Quote posting this because it's worth repeating...

I do get what some posters are saying about competitiveness - but no school is perfect. I'd rather any girl of mine learned to deal with over-competitiveness than anal sex.

And the point about learning to be friends with men is also a good one, but I'd rather a girl struggle with that after they've gained a sense of themself. For me in a bog standard co-ed, being 'friends' with boys meant adjusting myself around the tiny amount of space they left. I couldn't do it and I didn't have any boy friends either. At that point, no huge loss.

Girls do better in single sex education, boys in mixed sex. Therefore the only people benefitting by you sending your daughter to a co-ed school is other peoples children.

As for a 10 year old having to learn that sexual harassment is 'life' that's pretty chilling. I literally cannot understand the mentality of a parent who actively wants their 10 year old to be put into an environment where they can learn to put up with sexual harassment, specifically to learn to put up with it.

You know what will make her confident, going to a school where she doesn't get talked over, talked down to and harassed. Where she gets to feel confident and comfortable in her own skin.

Going against the grain. I went to a single sex school and there was still bra pinging and if there had been phones I am sure I would have still been pestered for nudes. Bullied on SM etc I can’t see how it could have been worse.

Despite being in the top set for everything at 16 years old I left with 1 O level scraped through with a C and an illness that was usually only found in middle aged stressed out business men and people fleeing war zones which very nearly killed me.
Because of my home life I was on constant guard at home and then that feeling of being under threat continued at school.

My friends from primary school loved their Co Ed comprehensive. I would meet them from time to time and they loved their school. They didn’t have any of the problems with bullying I had as the boys would step in to defend their friends if anyone started any nastiness.

My one non negotiable when choosing a secondary was it had to be Co Ed. I never gave dc the chance of considering a single sex school. The only incidences of bullying were from other girls.
I think Dd who is an adult now is in touch with more boys from her class than girls. They go to the same parties, cross paths in work etc

Genuine question how do you know you would have fared better in a co Ed? Surely you have had the same home life, same illness, same academic pressure just with the added bonus of boys harassing you no? 🤷🏼‍♀️