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Original poster

Music Scholarship disappointment - how to handle?

165 replies

Polishedshoes · 01/02/2019 20:54

I have namechanged for this as I don't want to out myself....

My DS12 has just been rejected to a music scholarship....my worry is how this will affect his involvement with music at the same school, going forward. As the school dished out 25 scholarship and decided he wasn't good enough, will this mean he will be excluded from all the opportunities and that I should look for another school?

He lives and breathes music and is always found at the piano or composing or at some type of music activity. I am dreading telling him and how to handle this and would welcome any positive stories.....he isn't just someone who enjoys playing for fun, music is literally his life...I would appreciate some advice - please be gentle!!

OP posts:
PetraDelphiki · 02/02/2019 15:44

And I’ve been told categorically no further scholarships will be offered until they reach 6th form...at which point they will presumably all go to the existing scholars who have been getting all the extra chamber tuition / performance experience.

Original poster
Polishedshoes · 02/02/2019 15:50

Petra that's exactly what I am dreading.. With 25 music scholars per year times 5, I am not sure why they would focus on anyone else.

My problem is that we won't find out until he starts, by which time it will be too late to switch Hmm

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DinkyDaisy · 02/02/2019 15:51

Gosh- this all sounds too pressurised to me...
Is your ds ok? Would he want the competitive type pressure that would go with this type of school?
Maybe some children thrive on competition- my children don't.
However, they are not as accomplished as your ds so not been put in his sort of position...

Original poster
Polishedshoes · 02/02/2019 15:59

Dinky, you make a good point. I am not so sure DS will like it either now. He is a bright boy but not sure he likes pressure. This is definitely part of my worry!!!! DS still at football so not been back yet... I am sure he will be OK once we put the super positive spin on it all... 😆

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Original poster
Polishedshoes · 02/02/2019 16:18

I have just told him, so he immediately says
'and? I am not bothered'
Are you OK with it?
' yes, wait, can I still learn the organ?'
'yes, of course!'
Good well I am not bothered then
Moves on…
Not what I was expecting at all!

OP posts:
DinkyDaisy · 02/02/2019 16:22

Show him this brilliant young man....

WombatChocolate · 02/02/2019 16:25

Great response from your son.
Just shows children often cope better than we do.

Original poster
Polishedshoes · 02/02/2019 16:28

You are right wombat, I feel huge relief.. I was honestly expecting a meltdown, but he is clearly more mature than I thought - definitely more than me anyway Grin

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Popskipiekin · 02/02/2019 16:31

I had a 50% music scholarship at 6th form. I was basically the music department bitch and had to be involved in every single musical endeavour, whether I wanted to or not, and felt constantly at risk of losing the scholarship if I didn’t. I eventually developed mental health issues and my parents got me out of some of the most consuming aspects of what I’d been dragged into. I also ended up giving up my main instrument as I hated being forced to do it and not doing it out of the love of it....
All I would say is, it’s not always all it’s cracked up to be and your son may benefit more from not getting a scholarship. But I do appreciate the crushing disappointment and send you and DS Flowers

Popskipiekin · 02/02/2019 16:33

Took me so long to write that I didn’t see your son’s reaction: no disappointment at all! Good lad you’ve got there.

skinnyamericano · 02/02/2019 16:40

Great! Kids are so resilient and get less hung up on things than adults.

As long as you’re happy with the school for other reasons, I’m sure it’ll work out well.

Abra1de · 02/02/2019 16:53

People do lose music scholarships and they are given to other people. My daughter’s boyfriend lost his in sixth form.

PetraDelphiki · 02/02/2019 18:49

Your son sounds like a star! FWIW a friends daughter lost her scholarship for various reasons like wanting to concentrate on academic work/representing school in high level sport and said that we have had a lucky escape!

MagicEye · 02/02/2019 19:16

Are you sure there really was 25?

frogsoup · 02/02/2019 19:21

They claim to have more than 25 12yos getting scholarships who are grade 7-8 on two instruments and voice on top of that, and this isnt a specialist music school?! I call bullshit on that as feedback, that has to be nonsense surely!

Womble18 · 02/02/2019 19:31

It could be a blessing. Dependant on your school scholars can almost be held to ransom - they are expected to earn their award almost. Your son is likely to be free to join in where he chooses rather than where he is told which will free him up to compose / learn the organ. I know of some scholars came to resent having to perform which is such a shame.

I suspect they weren't looking for violins and have potentially offered to instruments where they have gaps.

Will he have music lessons in school? This can give him a way in to join ensembles etc as they will be aware of just how talented he is.

JenFromTheGlen · 02/02/2019 19:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FanDabbyFloozy · 02/02/2019 19:50

I know another child who is a music scholar and has to attend every single music event - evenings, weekends etc. The parents need to take her and it's ruining their family time. They now wish they hadn't taken it and could just do music on their terms! It might be a blessing in disguise.

Original poster
Polishedshoes · 02/02/2019 20:23

Thanks all, yes my Ds1 has taken it really well, I do still worry about the knock on effect on his confidence. Silly but I also feel really guilty as he only recently had proper tuition in the piano as I taught him on and off and similat with the violin... No tuition on composition, he is totally self taught,

I feel that his raw talent has taken him so far only and that I should have recognises this sooner and given him more opportunity. There clearly are a lot more clued up parents out there and I feel like a it of a crap one.

Hopefully he still has time if he wants to but its hard to catch up and I feel like a pushy parent when I try and explain how much he loves music and how little support he got!!!

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Michaelahpurple · 02/02/2019 20:37

It is really hard. The standard is so very high. 25 awards does seem like an awful lot - are you sure that is right? DS2 has just done this for his school, which is also very competitive but only awards up to 8 music scholarships and up to 3 exhibitions for a year of about 155 boys. 25 seems hard to picture.

There are all sorts of factors. If he was up against loads of french horns and bassoons, that can be an issue. My son has grade 6 for violin and played a grade 7 piece but at his shop that is barely enough for it to count as second study - those offering violin as a first study generally have grade 8 and are in junior departments.

Having said which he sounds like a strong contender. It is like Oxbridge, and other such - the problem isn't just what you can do but what others can do and exactly what they need that year, and gave last year - which deparment felt shortchanged last year and is owed more slots this year, etc

If he still shows up with enthusiasm and commitment, I am sure that he will be able to secure places to perform and join.

But I really empathise - it is really hard having these conversations with children, and helping them to understand that not achieving their aim doesn't mean that they were wrong to try or should shy away from the next challenge. But we all find that hard, at any age.

Michaelahpurple · 02/02/2019 20:39

So glad he is so relaxed about it - you must be soooo relieved!

Original poster
Polishedshoes · 02/02/2019 20:56

I am massively relieved, still feel really guilty for lots of reasons ht he is relaxed and hasnt mentioned it since so I am slowly chilling myself. Dh so relaxed through all this, keeps rolling his eyes at me so I am now feeling unhinged also Grin

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Pandasarecute · 02/02/2019 21:03

Great response from your son! He’s clearly very resilient Smile

frogsoup · 02/02/2019 21:10

Blimey, at 12 years old, grade 8 (or near enough) on three instruments - really?! What non-specialist schools are we talking about that would have 25 kids in one year at that kind of level at age 12? One of our local public schools is one of the most highly ranked academically in the country, and the suggested standard for its rising 11 music scholarships is grade 5. I also went to one of the most musical Oxbridge colleges back in the day and can't recall anyone who had grade 8 in three instruments. Most didn't have grade 8 on even one instrument by age 12 and I can think of at least 15 members of the NYO among them, and several are now household names in the music world! I really struggle to believe that the OPs son was just unexceptional in the field of applicants, there must be other reasons.

Great to know he is relaxed about it all, that attitude will stand him in great stead.

TheBluesAreStillBlue · 02/02/2019 21:14

Op you have not left it too late and it sounds like you have recognised his raw talent and are supporting him brilliantly! My DH is a professional musician at a high level and he didn’t even begin playing his principal instrument until the age of 11.
Keep an eye on what he will need to get into the conservatoires and bear that in mind through this school career. The impression that I get is that this is where musical careers are made and broken, and specialist schools / scholarships matter a lot less than talent and enthusiasm.