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Original poster

does my 3yo need to go to pre-school or not?

186 replies

daisybo · 28/05/2007 19:31

have also posted this on the childcare boards, just wondered if anyone had kept their lo at home with them full time until they started school?
is there anyone who didn't send their little one to any kind of childcare and then when they started school were they ok? my ds is 3 and due to start at pre-school in september but i don't really want him to go and he doesn't want to go either! should i send him so he gets used to spending time away from mummy in preparation for school next year or would he be ok if he stays at home til he starts school? i don't want him to miss out on mixing with other children and making friends but i don't want to force him to go when neither him nor i really want him to go iyswim!
should prob add he has never been in any kind of childcare, not been left with anyone except mummy, daddy and occasionally grandad!
what do you think i should do? what would be best for him? he is only just 3 btw, so a young one for his year.

OP posts:
Idreamofdaleks · 28/05/2007 19:42

Wait 6 months then see how you feel. My dd only did 2 morning sessions a week, presumably you could sign up for 2 mornings rather than all five?

Original poster
daisybo · 28/05/2007 19:48

he is only signed up for 2 mornings atm, i thought 5 was too much straight away. it's just he seems too young to be going at all, even tho they take children from 2.5. he keeps telling me he wants to stay at home with mummy, i just need to know if there really is a good arguement for sending them - for making friends, independence etc. also i don't feel right forcing him to go iyswim!

OP posts:
Marne · 28/05/2007 19:55

Dd1 (3.4) is still at home full time, we tried her at our local nursery, had a few problems so we took her out. We are going to try her at play-group in september and see how she gets on.

Zog · 28/05/2007 19:58

Well, I guess the reasons for going would be to cultivate a little independence from you, ability to play and share with other children, experience activities that you haven't managed to do with him, realise that there are other adults who can care for him too etc. I wonder whether it would be a shock going from nothing to 5 full days in school but I have no experience of this. Do you think he is picking up your reluctance or are you being positive about nursery when you speak to him?

Original poster
daisybo · 28/05/2007 20:02

i took him to see the nursery and he liked it and afterwards said he wanted to go back. but when i explained to him that he had to go by himself and that mummy and baby sister couldn't come too, he has started saying he doesn't want to go.
i also just feel he is too young to be with anyone but mummy! daft aren't i?!

OP posts:
twentypence · 28/05/2007 20:05

You are not daft - he is your son and you can do what you like.

If you are happy to spend 24 hours a day with him - then enjoy it - he will be at school soon enough.

gothicmama · 28/05/2007 20:06

try to be positive with him he may be picking up some of your anxiety. make it in to something fun for him (it will make going to school easier for him )which has got to be a positive. it is harder for you as a mum than it will be for him but start small adn be positive with him about it

NKF · 28/05/2007 20:07

I can think of a few arguments in favour of going. They make friends often with children they then go onto school with. They can do all sorts of different things every day. Pre-schoolers like darting between activities. A bit of sticking, a bit of painting, now for the sandpit etc. That sort of set up is pretty hard to replicate at home. They learn to share and wait their turn amongst their peers. Loads of stuff really. It can be a very positive experience.

Zog · 28/05/2007 20:07

If it's any help, I think quite a few first born children are reluctant to go (second and subsequents quite often dash in without a backward glance ) but from my experience and those of my friends, this soon passes in the vast majority of cases. However, I think your ds may well sense that you're not committed to him going and it will end up being a bit of a self-fulfilling prophecy tbh.

hotcrossbunny · 28/05/2007 20:08

I think playgroup is vital really. Not a formal 'teaching' environment but free play type of place. Your ds gets the chance to meet other chn without you needing to be there, and he also gets the chance to build up trusting relationships with other adults and not just family members.
My dd is a young one. She goes to school in Sept. only just 4. She now goes to play group 3 mornings and wants to know why she doesn't go every day now. She has demanded she stays for lunch too (2 days). I think that school would be terrifying if she hadn't had the chance to spread her wings a little first.
HTH

sparkymummy · 28/05/2007 20:12

I don't think you are daft! I think I'll be the same and my DS is only 1 at the moment and has never been left with anyone except me and his dad! My thoughts on this are that children will grow away from you in their own time, and that by making him go when he doesn't want to will only knock his confidence for a while. I would keep an open mind, keep suggesting it, and explaining what fun things he'll do there, and perhaps how boring it'll be at home, saying that you'll be doing stuff he doesn't enjoy so much etc. Do they do a taster type session where you can stay with him? Perhaps you could do that a few times and then see what he thinks? If you are worried about him missing out by not meeting other children how about doing things with him and other children, eg mums and toddlers? I'm sure I read somewhere that educationally preschool was only beneficial for childrens learning for those children who weren't getting lots of opportunities for play and interaction at home, so I wouldn't worry on that count as it sounds like you do lots of things with him.

bobsyouruncle · 28/05/2007 20:14

I felt like this too when i was time for my dd to go to pre-school & did defer her place for a few months until she was 3.5. I stayed with her to start with and then left her for increasing periods of time. She loves it and its been a very positive thing for both of us.

rabbitrabbit · 28/05/2007 20:14

daisybo-left this same reply on your other thread:
also remember that you don't have to just leave him there. You can also stay with him as long as it takes to get him settled. I stayed until my son settled into his nursery as I didn't feel it was right for him to be immediately happy to stay there with people he didn't know very well; our situation was very similar to yours-childcare only by me, dh and grandparent (though he was always happy to go off with friends to the park etc.)
In the end you're the person who know your ds so do what feels right. Good luck

EllieK · 28/05/2007 20:17

from my experience as a nursery worker I would say he should go before he starts school, even if it's just one session a week.

we had a 3yr old who, as with your ds, had only ever been left with very close family, and when he started nursery really struggled. If he'd been left until starting school he would have found it far more difficult IMO, a crying 3yr old is understandable and we had the staff to spend extra time with him, a teacher trying to cope with a class of children will find it a bit more difficult to help him with his worries

Original poster
daisybo · 28/05/2007 20:18

sparkysmummy - you hit the nail on the head - it's not that i don't want him to go at all, i just don't want to force him to go. i know i could never turn around and walk out and leave him if he was crying and didn't want to be there.

OP posts:
NKF · 28/05/2007 20:19

I think that it's important to separate children's needs from one's own. Who really has the separation anxiety etc? It sounds like he liked the look of the nursery and you could build on that. Stay with him until he feels ready to be left. Start with one or two mornings and build it up. Play it by ear. Personally, I wouldn't take the view that it would be okay to go straight into school without some form of pre-school. I think it's a big jump from at home with family to class of 30. Mum and toddler groups don't offer the same experience of being part of a group.

FioFio · 28/05/2007 20:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

NKF · 28/05/2007 20:20

He hasn't started yet and already you're worrying about him crying. He's not due to start until September. I honestly think these fears are yours not his and many mothers will share them but there's no need to act out of them. Good luck anyway.

Judy1234 · 28/05/2007 20:33

We didn't. My mother kept us at home until we were going to start the first year - the one where you turn 5. She had been an infant school teacher for 13 years before I was born and thought she could do better than any play group but probably then it was less common to send children anyway.

It's entirely up to you. In fact so is school. There is a right to educate at home. He need never go to school if you and his father don't wish it.

lizziemun · 28/05/2007 21:43

daisybo

It's up to you, my dd (3.4yrs) has been at pre school since she was 2 1/2.

The pre-school she is at they start at 2 1/2
one afternoon a week with you present. When they are 3yrs they go 2 afternoons a week without you. The term after they are 3 yrs 9mths when they are partfunded they go three afternoons a week.

I have to say that my DD loves school, I have tears when i pick her up not when i drop her off.

MrsWeasley · 28/05/2007 21:50

my DS only went to pre-school in the half term before he went to school (he was 4) and he hated it and never did any more than 3 sessions a week at the very most) he settled into school really well .

I do know of a family who didnt send her 2 DS's to any form of pre-schooling and they were fine going to school.

pucca · 28/05/2007 21:58

My dd was 3 in Jan, once she was 3 i paid for her to go 2 afternoons a week to settle her into the routine. I am a SAHM and have always been with her all the time so it was hard for me and her in the beginning, i did try her when she was 2.6yo but she wasnt ready.

After easter she started 5 days (5 afternoons) and i do have to say it has done her the world of good, she is quite a shy child and it has really brought her out of her shell and made her much more confident, plus it does our relationship good too as just that little break definately helps for me and for her too.

I have been waiting for a day when she says she doesnt want to go but it hasnt happened yet, she loves it and has bonded with 1 little girl and boy very well, plus it is lovely for her to do things without me which she can tell me about everyday when i pick her up.

At first she was fine, then after a week or so i did have the tears a little when i dropped her off (when she first started the 2 afternoons) but all LO's do this, it is a little frightening for them at first for mummy to not be there but it does pass.

It is hard as a parent to let someone else take responsiblity, but it has helped me too, and it is lovely for her to have a bit of independance.

hth

Zog · 28/05/2007 22:00

pucca, that's a great post

pucca · 28/05/2007 22:04

Oooh zog...no one has ever said that to me before lol

FrannyandZooey · 28/05/2007 22:06

Haven't read whole thread but there is no reason why you shouldn't wait until you and your ds feel ready for him to go. I do think it is a shock for children to go straight into full time education if they have never been away from their parents, but you have plenty of time to make arrangements that you are both happy with and to get him used to occasionally spending time away from you.

My ds didn't go regularly without me until he was about 3.6 - we started settling him in at a nursery when he was about 3 and a quarter, and over the next few months he really did mature a lot and become able to happily spend a couple of hours away from me. But if your son isn't ready until he is 4, that's fine as well - I think long term children are more confident and secure if they have been allowed to cope with these milestones at their own pace instead of being pushed into it before they are ready.

In the meantime is there a friend with a child his age who might occasionally have him for the odd hour, if he would be happy to do that? Being away from you for short periods of time, with someone he knows well, may boost his confidence a little bit and prepare him for leaving you for longer periods. I wouldn't push it, though. There is plenty of time yet and they really are still very little.