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Original poster

does my 3yo need to go to pre-school or not?

186 replies

daisybo · 28/05/2007 19:31

have also posted this on the childcare boards, just wondered if anyone had kept their lo at home with them full time until they started school?
is there anyone who didn't send their little one to any kind of childcare and then when they started school were they ok? my ds is 3 and due to start at pre-school in september but i don't really want him to go and he doesn't want to go either! should i send him so he gets used to spending time away from mummy in preparation for school next year or would he be ok if he stays at home til he starts school? i don't want him to miss out on mixing with other children and making friends but i don't want to force him to go when neither him nor i really want him to go iyswim!
should prob add he has never been in any kind of childcare, not been left with anyone except mummy, daddy and occasionally grandad!
what do you think i should do? what would be best for him? he is only just 3 btw, so a young one for his year.

OP posts:
pucca · 28/05/2007 22:34

Exactly Zog!

harpsichordcarrier · 28/05/2007 22:35

yes that does sound very tiring and difficult pucca, but you didn't make her like that by being with her all the time.

FrannyandZooey · 28/05/2007 22:37

No, I totally trusted my 2 - 3 year old to let me know when he felt comfortable and happy to leave me and when he felt scared and worried without me there. I don't personally think being frightened to be without your parent is a 'whim', I think it's your child telling you something very important about the stage of development they have reached.

pucca · 28/05/2007 22:38

Yes...but i know it was my fault she was like that, but this is why going to pre school has helped her so much, it isnt to benefit me, it is to benefit her, and helped her to mix with all different people so much more.

harpsichordcarrier · 28/05/2007 22:38

no that's right Zog, but its chicken and egg isn't it

Zog · 28/05/2007 22:39

I think the thing is, the OP has said that her DS liked the nursery and wanted to go - he had a wobble when she pointed out he would have to go on his own. Now she can ride this out and take the advice of the nursery staff as to whether he is settling once she's left or not, or she can listen to the wobble and not send him. Because her own inclination is not to send him, she's more likely to do the latter, but why shouldn't his initial enthusiasm be followed and encouraged first?

cat64 · 28/05/2007 22:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

colditz · 28/05/2007 22:41

Ds1 was 2.8 when he started preschool (2 days), and he ran off gleefully and never looked back. I still have to go and find him to give him a kiss goodbye!

harpsichordcarrier · 28/05/2007 22:42

gosh pucca it really isn't your fault it is entirely normal for some children to be very attached to one adult and she ws a very tiny child. I am sure preschool has helped her enormously to mix but that would have happened at the right stage for her.
I get the feeling that you think you failed her in some way? we have these expectations that tiny, tiny children must be "independent" and that anything else isn't healthy. that's bullshit imo.
(By the way in case you think I am biassed I have two pretty independent minded children! but dd1 was upset to leave me and I considered that to be comnpletely normal and healthy development)

FrannyandZooey · 28/05/2007 22:42

His initial enthusiasm was for the facilities at the nursery, not for being left somewhere he doesn't feel comfortable without a parent.

It's possible to let your child wobble and persevere and settle them in gradually without ever leaving them to cry or to become fearful about nursery. The common wisdom that you have to leave them to cry because all children do it it bollocks.

pucca · 28/05/2007 22:43

The biggest problem with toddlers is gaining control of any given situation, where do you draw the line? i dont see how leaving my dd at pre school a little upset is going to mentally scar her.

Infact settling her into the pre school before easter was the ideal thing to do, as when lots of other children started and were insecure she helped them iykwim, god some days it was like walking into a constant wail! all the mums etc trying to calm down their children, it is normal behaviour for them to get upset.

pucca · 28/05/2007 22:44

Also the nursery staff deal with this all the time, if the child doesnt settle they will phone the parent up, they do not want the child screaming the place down the whole time although they will do their upmost to help in any way.

harpsichordcarrier · 28/05/2007 22:45

well Zog she did say that didn't want to go without his mum and baby sister. she has a choice! just because everyone else is doing it doesn't mean she has to, or even that it is the right thing to do in every circumstance. she needs to use her own judgement. ime there is a lot of peer pressure about what to do with children.

FrannyandZooey · 28/05/2007 22:45

"The biggest problem with toddlers is gaining control of any given situation"

Blimey I don't find that at all. That's a completely different experience to the one that I have had bringing up a toddler.

Yes it is normal behaviour for a child to get upset when left if they are not ready to be left. It doesn't mean it's the best thing that can happen to them.

Zog · 28/05/2007 22:47

Bollocks? That's a bit strong. Quite a lot of children have a problem with transition but are fine literally 2 minutes later and have the most wonderful time. A few never settle and the parent would be advised to take them out and try again another time.

pucca · 28/05/2007 22:48

Franny ime it is all about control, and no not in a horrible way of course!

For example if my dd is having the tantrum from hell in tesco because she was a £30 toy, i wont just give in because it is the easiest option! and because people are staring at me.

Same goes for if she wants to wear a pretty dress in the middle of winter, with toddlers it is a constant battle of wills.

ahundredtimes · 28/05/2007 22:49

Urgent unmysterious newbie question franny, how do you do a link? This nice lady wants a link to a thread and I don't know how to do it.

juuule · 28/05/2007 22:49

F&Z I think you are so right with this. It is normal for a child this age to be upset at being left in this situation if they are not yet ready to be left. What isn't normal to me is that so many people think it's okay for children this age to be like this and even worse that it should be encouraged.

FrannyandZooey · 28/05/2007 22:50

Excuse strong language, I could have been more elegant there

I do think it is nonsense though. It's a very circular argument: you have to let them cry because everyone does it, and everyone does it, because everyone else does it, and they all cry, so it must be normal, so you have to do it....&c

you don't HAVE to leave a child to cry at all and there is no advantage in doing so, indeed, there may be quite a few disadvantages

pucca · 28/05/2007 22:50

Oh FGS, when are they ever ready then? please tell me this? because i have obviously got it sooooo wrong.

FrannyandZooey · 28/05/2007 22:51

where are you 100x? LOL I will come and find you

harpsichordcarrier · 28/05/2007 22:52

yes, you see chicken and egg^ like I said.

pucca · 28/05/2007 22:52

Are your children at nursery? what age? and didnt they get upset at all then?

ahundredtimes · 28/05/2007 22:52

Afficanados of How to Talk or something like that I think.

pucca · 28/05/2007 22:54

Would love to see a child just walk off and not be bothered by being left in their first week at nursery tbh, in my eyes that would be a child who is not entirely bothered by being left with any tom dick, or harry.