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Original poster

does my 3yo need to go to pre-school or not?

186 replies

daisybo · 28/05/2007 19:31

have also posted this on the childcare boards, just wondered if anyone had kept their lo at home with them full time until they started school?
is there anyone who didn't send their little one to any kind of childcare and then when they started school were they ok? my ds is 3 and due to start at pre-school in september but i don't really want him to go and he doesn't want to go either! should i send him so he gets used to spending time away from mummy in preparation for school next year or would he be ok if he stays at home til he starts school? i don't want him to miss out on mixing with other children and making friends but i don't want to force him to go when neither him nor i really want him to go iyswim!
should prob add he has never been in any kind of childcare, not been left with anyone except mummy, daddy and occasionally grandad!
what do you think i should do? what would be best for him? he is only just 3 btw, so a young one for his year.

OP posts:
tiredteddy · 28/05/2007 22:08

i am a Foundation stage teacher and I have always really noticed the difference between those children that attended pre-school and those that did not. Children that had no pre-school find it harder to mix, make friends and have greater difficulty being left. from the school side of the fence it is a beneficial bridge between the experience of home and school. this is what i have found so far, but I don't know everything each family is different. try not to worry you will work out something to suit you.

harpsichordcarrier · 28/05/2007 22:09

your son, your choice. like Xenia, I was at home with my mum until I was five and went to school, no playgroup, preschool, nothing. I loved school from the beginng and I was very happy there and had absolutely no problems academically. it isn't essential, it's a choice. you don't teach independence by leaving your child somewhere he doesn't want to go. independence is taught by providing a loving and kind environment geared towards the child's own needs, imo.
best of luck

pucca · 28/05/2007 22:12

Forgot to add...if you do decide to take him to pre school, most nurseries are really nice about it all and will let you stay with him for a few sessions while he bonds with others, and i know at my dd's pre school they allowed her to take a special toy or something personal with her.

The hardest part is when they do (and they all do it) realise this is a permanent thing and the novelty wears off, you have to be strong enough to let the teacher take control in a way and be able to turn your back and walk out, even when they are shouting you and sobbing, and believe me i found it hard like all mums do, but you have to do it, once you conquer that hurdle its fine, and this is literally one or two times, after that my dd kissed me goodbye infact...she now just runs off and doesnt even say goodbye (the cheek eh? lol)

I know my mum waited until full time school with my brother and found it an absolute nightmare, but with me, i went to a play school and was fine settling into "big" school.

Judy1234 · 28/05/2007 22:13

..although on the other hand we hardly ever saw any other children and had never been left and even when we started until I was 10 we came home for lunch every day which no one else in the school did. It was not the most sociable of pre and post school childhoods and I was very shy too at that age, probably linked to that. However we all started school able to read etc. I'm sure we learned a lot more at home

harpsichordcarrier · 28/05/2007 22:14

yes, and Xenia and I have not exactly suffered long term from the terrible deprivation of not going to preschool .
I could read fluently by the time I went to school...

FrannyandZooey · 28/05/2007 22:15

I don't agree pucca, I don't think that you have to do that at all. It's fine not to leave your child when they are crying - you can stay and reassure them, until they feel happy for you to leave, or you can take them home and try again another day. Being left crying is not an essential part of the nursery experience.

harpsichordcarrier · 28/05/2007 22:16

I never left dd1 crying at preschool. if she was upset, I stayed with her or took her home. preschool is for her benefit, and she isn't benefitting if she is screaming imo.

JoolsToo · 28/05/2007 22:17

yep! none of my 3 went to nursery or pre-school, just started at the allotted time. They were perfectly fine and are now well adjusted 34, 33 and 31 year olds!

JoolsToo · 28/05/2007 22:18

sorry 34, 32 and 30 !

Judy1234 · 28/05/2007 22:19

One reason I sent the children at the term they turned 3 (they weren't realy potty trained much younger than that) for 5 mornings a week nursery school was also because they had 2 other little ones at home and that's 3 children to one parent or 1 nanny all wanting attention. Also in our case at 4 she was going to be doing entrance tests to Haberdashers -the school she went to and although the school doesn't need them to know anything at all I thought as she'd be left for the assessment it might be worth having been at a nursery school first too.

harpsichordcarrier · 28/05/2007 22:19

god it's easy to forget isn't it JT?
I said to my sister today - she's the same as you! 44!
erm, actually I'm 46
der.

pucca · 28/05/2007 22:22

Franny...not ime, my dd has always been very clingy because i have always been with her and i mean all the time, the first time i tried her in nursery when she was 2.6 yrs i bottled it so to speak, i couldnt stand to think of it as being a negative experience plus i was heavily pg at the time.

This time around, again she did get upset, but i rode the storm so to speak, if i had give up on it again she never would have gone and in that effect would have missed out on the whole experience , from what i have seen and heard most children do this, and once they do realise it is a fun thing for them they are ok and thoroughly enjoy it.
She doesnt hate me for doing this, will probably get shot down for this...but it was for her own good, not mine, it would be fine for me for her to stay at home with me forever.

If i had stayed with her (i did for a few sessions) i never would have managed to get out the door, that to me is just prolonging it.

pucca · 28/05/2007 22:23

Of course it does depend on the child, the personality etc.

Malaleche · 28/05/2007 22:24

havent read whole thread but if you dont want him to go he will pick up on that and become reluctant too. If you dont want to send him then dont, if you do i would spend the summer getting him some practise by going to playgroups, drop-in clubs or whatever is on offer in your area, or arrange some play-dates with friends and leave him for 1/2 an hour so he realises its not the end of the world and you will be back.
DD1 started nursery at just 2, i would have preferred to wait another 6 months but there's only one intake a year. She loved it for the first 3 days then was upset for about 10 days tho the teachers said she wasnt upset for long and was then fine til i appeared to pick her up. She loves it now.

FrannyandZooey · 28/05/2007 22:25

I still remember being left crying at playgroup by my own mother. It was not an experience that left me feeling more confident and secure.

Yes I think most children are left to cry, but I don't think that means it is the best thing or even the right thing to do. If you wait until a child is ready to go to nursery, they won't cry, for a start.

colditz · 28/05/2007 22:26

I also didn't go to p[layschool, because I refused point blank after I got beaten up by a boy called Aaron (who in my mind was a towering 6 foot bully with a broken nose and a switch knife, but in reality must have been a perfectly normal 4 year old little boy)

I could also read when I started school, but wasn't great at making friends - or more than onefriend at a time. I am perfectly gregarious now though! And never have been shy.

harpsichordcarrier · 28/05/2007 22:28

I'm not shy either and was never "clingy" whatever that means in this context, it is normal and healthy for children of this age to want to be with the person with whom they have a strong attachment.
the whole preschool thing is a very recent development of course... generations of children have managed pretty well without it.

pucca · 28/05/2007 22:29

I dont know, my brother was 5 yo when he started "big" school (he never went to any pre school) and was hysterical for a long time every time my mum took him, in that case should she have waited until he was 10 yo to start school? when would he have been ready?

As i said alot depends on the child.

Malaleche · 28/05/2007 22:29

Well, i remember my first day at school age 5, having been in nursery in the same building for 2(?) years, lots of other kids wailing and me thinking 'What's the matter with them?' !!!!

FrannyandZooey · 28/05/2007 22:30

I don't know when he would have been ready pucca. In many parts of Europe children don't go to school until they are 7. I think they look on us as quite barbaric for sending very small children away from their parents.

harpsichordcarrier · 28/05/2007 22:31

well he would have had more resources to deal with it at 5 or 6 than at 2 or 3, and that's for sure.

pucca · 28/05/2007 22:31

My dd was "clingy" in the way that it is me who had to do everything for her, putting her in the car, putting her to bed, everything, wouldnt even let dh do anything for her never mind anyone else.

pucca · 28/05/2007 22:33

My mum used to come away from the school sobbing...it was that bad! and it went on for at least a couple of weeks, a much worse reaction compared to my dd at 3yo going to pre school thats for sure!

Malaleche · 28/05/2007 22:34

They dont start school till 6 here in Spain but many are in fulltime daycare from 4 mo, that's barbaric......

Zog · 28/05/2007 22:34

Yes, they have managed without it HC, but they would usually have had a strong attachment to other adults such as Grandparents, Aunts etc who lived locally.

I'm slightly surprised by the thinking that 2-3 year olds should be totally trusted to know their own minds on this issue - do your toddlers never wail over shoe choices for example? If I'd always followed my toddlers' whims, I'd never have made it out of the house